puporing

You're going through a painful moment in your life, it may not seem like it, but you can work your way out of this, maybe it'll take some time to, but accept that you're in pain and be kinder to yourself. Let that voice inside you come out and be heard, whatever it wants to say and hasn't been able to. You're not wrong for feeling pain/sufferring. You're not wrong for being in this state whatever/however things came to this point. It sounds like you have empathy, and that's why you feel so much guilt. You deserve more love not less. I hope you can find some of that here, and maybe a professional who can understand your story better.

Always enjoy reading your responses on this topic. Glad there're others out there that get it. (though I don't mind if one thinks it's "caused by" trauma, maybe "trauma" can contribute to someone playing with their gender identity by being a catalyst to lifting out of one's attachment to bio gender and whatever else 'normative' behavior/way of being, among other things like god realization, it's just a poor/incomplete and possibly not correct assumption depending on the individual).

All those are great. For me the missing link (on top of those mentioned) was unconditional love. I was doing a ton of self-therapy which moved through a lot of things, but in the end, the missing link lifted a massive burden for me in a short-ish period of time. Find a healer/good therapist if that's the last missing piece. Ego-transcendence, working on life purpose and practical aspects all helped a great deal.. however, if your trauma is deep it can be quite gripping and troublesome to let go 100% on your own.

@MarkusR Very relatable... actually studying music has been a pretty lonely journey for me for awhile (not in school just private teachers because I started super late compared to most), at least in the classical world. I was also going through some self-therapy during that time and overall I've come out feeling more whole than ever before. I've recently branched out to rock and people seem way more friendly/approachable in that world. I don't connect very easily with most people in my area, maybe for a short while but there's so little common interests. The city I'm at is predominately very conservative, mixed with somewhat an abundance of artists. I don't watch TV for example and that's a conversation nonstarter . I went to some psychedelic group meet, haven't had luck yet there so far nobody's into spirituality but was interesting to hear their experience. Hopefully with music I can find more self-actualizer types in my area. Happy to see a lot of musicians on here, I would say the forum gives me a pretty good dose of connectedness.

@NoN-RaTiOnAL Very relatable. I'm glad others have raised the possibility of an open relationship set up. You could try that but keep in mind she may not want the same so that would be the end of your current one (stating the obvious), but maybe she'd be okay with it too and explore as well if she wanted to. And yeah even if not that prob best to talk about it with her so even if the relationship ends she knows it's not something she did..

I'm sorry to hear that. Leo went through something similar. Maybe you could try making a post here and people will respond see if that gives you some ideas about the gut issue. There're many varieties but I generally like to link it back to your emotional health (they're tied closely), on top of things like diet. Almost all my health problems were also contributed by stress and chronic depression/anxiety, though I don't know about yours. Yes that makes it extra challenging, it's like another unexplainable health condition. That can be so many things and tied to low moods as well. With unexplainable health conditions, you could try a process of elimination, by first correcting what you can/in your power to. Eg, I found supplementing helped, tracking my food/nutrient intake with an app and seeing what you are missing (Cronometer), if you feel unmotivated smoothies are easy to make semi consistently while getting some vital nutrients in. More recently I started heavy metal detox. This took many tries.. mainly just reading someone's profile and getting a sense first. But even the ones who weren't a good fit helped a little along the way. The right therapist for me was someone who was completely on my side when it came to my upbringing (or about 90% of the time). Overall though much of the work was done on my own. I followed people like Daniel Mackler who had very similar upbringing as me. Finding people who advocate on your behalf (whether it's virtual or a therapist) will help you heal. Being brutally honest about what went wrong in my environment.. and slowly taking my power back over the situation I was in. That makes sense, sounds like that's also contributing. I'm sorry this all puts you into such a rut and hard to get out of. It sounds like the next logical step is to remove yourself from such a negative environment over time. Maybe this could give you something to look forward to as well.

Chronic health conditions will contribute to depression. I would look into finding solutions for this first, it also puts you in the driver's seat. Is it something doctors can't help you with right away so it feels kind of hopeless to you? I def had a very low point of my life while having chronic health problems with seemingly no solutions to. I sought out alternative medicine, whatever online info I could find. (side note if you're interested I recommend Gabor Mate's book on "When the body says no"). I understand, I think it's usually worse when you're also going through depression (at least in my experience), coz you're just wanting relief from the low moods like a drug. Um, I know I hated this advice when the docs gave them to me, but exercising did help a bit, so did working on something bit by bit (for me was playing an instrument). And then it was finding the right therapist because I had long-standing unresolved pain (had depression on and off for about 10 years), then I would say socializing more helped a bit too (does have ups and downs). Slowly if you try to do small steps it'll restore a sense of hopefulness again.

You may be trying to cope with an unresolved pain that you've dissociated from, apart from just biological urges that are not fulfilled. Sounds like you could use more socialization as well as figuring out the source(s) of your depression. Was there a point in time you could recall that you would say first triggered your depression? I would look into that if it's not already clear to you what's causing it. It's also possible you're going through a nihilistic phase, hard to tell without knowing much about you. Don't shame yourself for having those urges, accept it for now, and just see if you could find other ways to meet them that are a little bit more balanced than it currently is.

Yes I think really have to search in your heart what you want, what's important to you. It was really obvious to me during my university years that I have to rush through my degree (no exploration which would've otherwise liked to) in order to get out of my parents place asap, with little to no savings. Got by.. wasn't easy, but the alternative was being stuck/unable to 1) know who I am on even an ego level 2) continue to grow on my terms and not continually be dragged into crap I cannot solve. You have to be able to see that it's not just physical attacks, there's a strong psychological effect it has on you.

No I just started at 50mg DMSA, think I was reading it in the book that it was okay to start there, but I guess if I were to recommend it to someone 25mg is what I'd go with.. and everyone's different with sensitivity.

@Matt23 I was/am currently on 50mg of DMSA and 25mg of ALA. The effect was tolerable for me but I was feeling pretty tired/brain foggy the day after stopping, not so much memory wise. Might help if you time it so that your first round ends on an off day where you don't need to do anything intense/cognitively taxing I would suggest. I think maybe I started a bit high on DMSA but so far okay.

@catcat69123 yes great point, I guess almost like taking psychedelics one can integrate the experience with a therapist to outside therapy. Glad to hear that it works for you and for sharing that. I've moved on from therapy right now as it has reached its limits of exploration (it's a good thing). I think my most recent therapist was what you would call a 'healer', and a lot of the 'being stuck spinning wheels' to find a source of unconditional love that I have not gotten as a child has been healed... then of course I got overly attached and realized this 'relationship' could not expand more it was time to go and explore on my own again. It has allowed me to be a lot more independent if that makes sense.

Yeah so true, quality relationships can be really scarce for some of us... And we have to resort to paying a large sum of money to get a little bit of it from a therapist sometimes (if they're good too..).

@Dabidoe Yeah that totally makes sense detangling yourself from statistics. I think yeah some do use the diagnosis to not try to get out of it or really examine their life and what's contributing to it still, but I guess I have empathy for that it can be really hard to get out of a rut on your own if you have little to no support and guidance... To me there's an individual component for change but also a societal/environmental component and I feel like both contribute to a chronic mental illness. Just hypothetically speaking someone in a rut and for whatever reason find themself completely isolated will find it hard to get out of it, like you say the stigma as well makes it hard for you to find and keep a job, is tied to very practical matters. So I strongly believe both individual desire for change and there being some support to go through a rough patch are essential.

ah you're bursting people's bubbles!

Theory should be developed to help you express yourself. That's my take, it should not take precedence over what you want to express (unless you are wanting to be a theory expert first and foremost of course..). And you can learn so much from other people's work, backed up by an understanding of theory/patterns. You don't need to be an expert on it to play and/or write songs. Just look at Green Day some of their songs have such a simple riff.

I get the sense there're more spiritual folks too.. here in Canada when you mention the word spirituality people think you're crazy coz they immediately think Christianity/Catholicism, so few people are exposed to spirituality the way we converse about it here.

@kray lol I started not long ago too. I am on electric though like others have said it's easier to get into mechanically, also I just love the distorted overdriven sound ?. I have a private teacher though I find that helps me not get overwhelmed/motivated and develop good techniques. Some people might do better on their own depends. Like with piano I stopped with teachers because it's now become stifling and I'm able to navigate on my own. So all in all see what helps motivate you. Great learning tool I found was Songsterr (I was so shocked when I discovered they even have JRock).

You got to find what speaks to you, I've moved on from what I thought was my "LP" after exhausting it even though others thought it was 'cool' lol, and that's aok too if that feels right to you.

It's a pretty common thread with musicians. If that's where your passion lies, even if it doesn't make money right now or only a little bit here and there, I would continue to work on it somehow, maybe with more of a clear vision of how I may turn this into my primary gig down the road, outside of your jobs and whatnot. All depends on how much you want to pursue this.. if staying with mom for longer to make this happen in the next year/two, or that's too much uncertainty and you really want to be more independent then I would move out regardless of if music is making you money. Another option is to do something that earns more money for your time for the next few years so you can then free up room/have the financial means to work on music. Hope that helps.

This work takes time, I think Leo mentioned it too in some of his videos, it could take you years to awaken fully, and then another some years to integrate that stuff into your life. And the catch is there likely won't be anyone out there to validate your growth. Accept where you are right now, there's no need to 'rush'. The confusion, overwhelm, meaninglessness is a normal part of the process. How did I deal with it? Trusting that this is part of growth. It's like metamorphosis and when a caterpillar goes through this process nothing seems to happen to the outside world, but a great struggle is happening inside. The practical stuff is still important to get a handle on, most teachers don't recommend going too fast without handling the practical side of things first. Internal growth does not necessarily make practical stuff 'easier' especially in the beginning, coz you might notice more and more how misaligned you are as you grow. They don't always have to move in synchronicity if that's what you're noticing one is lagging behind the other but more than likely you won't be able to stand not matching them up. That's why Leo stress so strongly having a life purpose/vision as well, so you don't get lost in the inner work and have this massive misalignment when you're spiritually developed but can't function in day-to-day. Much love.

Yeah it depends on how the individual sees it and those around them. I agree for some it can perpetuate this victim mentality, though I would say during an acute stage of manifestation, validation/recognition of the individual as they are and what injustice/neglect they may have gone through is an important part of moving on/forgiveness. Mental health diagnoses when used in a poor sense by professionals put people in this 'helpless patient' box and can make them feel 'lesser' like something is inherently wrong with them. More than likely they're just reacting to what happened to them and unable to get out of that cycle and internalized pattern even after getting out of the situation. Sometimes the 'professionals' can abuse their authority and continue to perpetuate in the individual that 'they are needing to be fixed' to keep them seeing the therapist, and it's hard for the person to tell sometimes. What I think the best approach is empowerment that the individual can move forward and move towards fitness like you say. Like most medical diagnoses, just telling someone what they have (the symptoms) doesn't really solve the root of the issue. Ie, the root of it may be they are still being abused one way or another, and they're not taking action to get out of it; they're not living in alignment with their truths and not moving towards alignment, etc. I personally think the root cause of all these 'mental disorders' can be traced back to a lack of unconditional love. Viewed in that sense we all deserve more unconditional love not less and whatever form that takes is unique to each of us.

Sorry for that, I think they're just trying to be attention-grabbing in this case (I hope so anyway). I don't necessarily agree with everything he says elsewhere but in this particular one I thought was well put together and I resonated with.