Nahm

@7thLetter It really sounds like you’re really having a rough ride with the psych’s and the two worlds (work) colliding. I can relate. That is not easy. If you can take a month off, take 4 separate weeks off instead, and space them out a couple months apart. Spend a week in nature, alone. Take the first few days just to decompress and unwind, have simple fun, be a kid again, give your brain a couple days to empty of ‘serious town’, do something creative, read a uplifting spirituality book, etc. Shed any troubles or concerns, get your spirits up, get yourself feelin good and light. Then take the trip. Maybe do 0.5g. (Make tea, don’t eat them!) 1.5g outta the gate is the danger zone. It’s enough to shake things up, but not enough to break through. .5g is good for getting a feel, then 1g or 1.5 depending on how the .5g went for you. 3g - 5g is typically the breakthrough / hero zone. Highly subjective, but if you can sit alone in a room doing nothing for an hour or two, you’re probably good to go. Your future trips will be better, no doubt. Honestly, I’m a little jelly of the glorious insights and realizations ahead of you. Lucky fucker. ?

@How to be wise My current progress, is that I am you.

@billiesimon The kind you do. Psychadelics can show you, but they can’t give it to you. The fastest thing you could do, right now - is jump into @Faceless‘s fragmentation thread, and don’t leave it until you see what he is saying.

@billiesimon The issues you’re working on are the product of resistant thinking, thoughts against the self, manifesting as doubt, and fear. You are wise to face them, and you will be glad you did. The meditation should slow those thoughts down, and give you some ‘spaciousness’ to more clearly observe the patterns at play, as well as allow your body some restorative time, and become more aware of awareness in general. That spaciousness, calmness, clarity and openmindedness are the most useful tools for self inquiry. If you are begining self inquiry, consider starting simple. A pen & paper, write down what and or who, you are. I suggest also utilizing google to look into things as you go. Deconstruct what you think you are by being deeply honest, and separating what is a thought or belief, from what is your own direct experience. Do this, just for the doing of this. There’s no incentive, or reward. Also consider, that through this proccess, you will discover things about yourself, and about what you want in this life. Have a dry erase board, or an easel & large pad, or something similar handy to write those things on as they arise. Apps are great, but these things are best written out physically. It will not initially appear so, but you are manifesting, and it is wise to have such things out in the open, where you see them everyday. You might find yourself needing a boost to get going on any particular day, so knowing how to change your state of mind is important too. Happy for you man!

@Mikael89 I like you too.

@Gryner You’re not alone....this will pass!.... Thank you for sharing @Viking ! It was the toughest experience of my life. it was an S.N. Goenka vipassana center. I dont remember most of my time there. day 0 arriving to the meditation center, i felt slightly nervous but very excited and well. day 1 The hardest day for me. Practicing anapana, my mind started to clean up a bit and tons of emotional baggage came out. I cried 2 times that day. once during a meditation, second during the tea break, being outside. day 2 extremely tough day, almost as the first one. I was scared regarding my meditation posture because I thought I might damage my back or knees. I figured out the right meditation posture only on day 4, using a bench and pillows under my knees. day 3 Generally speaking, the only part of the day I liked was the dhamma talk in the evening. I was counting days until I could finish already the course. day 4 that's the day we started learning vipassana. The learning was in the evening, 2 hours. the whole day and previous days ive been waiting to get to start learning vipassana, it was very tough to sit out whole meditations. those 2 hours were absolute torture, I had pains throughout my whole body and my mental state was horrible, I couldnt wait to get out. day 5 I couldnt understand how to properly do the technique. I was very confused and my mind wandered a lot because of it. nevertheless, I think it was the easiest day so far. Every possible occasion on which I could ask the assistant teacher questions until this day I did, always, during the interview times in the noon and during question time in the evening. day 6 Since approximately day 3 i've been feeling LSD-like thoughts. extremely creative, my imagination was extremely detailed, my analytical skills were very sharp and clear. With that, extremely intense fear came up, worse than a bad trip. when you're tripping at least you know you're on a chemical, here (in my mind at the time) it seemed like I was getting psychotic or depersonalized. it was something like that: Most of the day up until the strong determination sitting at 3:30pm the meditation was relatively easy, I started to get in touch with equanimity and could sit without struggle. I was surprised people were saying this day was one of the toughest. Before the strong determination sitting, I asked the assistant teacher during the interview how should I go about asking him questions, up until now my mind was a question generating machine, so I stopped trying to ask questions and just went on with the technique. During the strong determination sitting, I started feeling my body melting, for a moment I stopped existing and I freaked out a ton. on the intellectual level, I understood that my fears were irrational, but since my LSD trip I had a slight fear that there might be something wrong with me and during that time it came up. I started to fear I'd get depersonalized, i'd get back home to my parents and they would see a zombie (they didnt approve of this retreat). after that, I tried to surrender to the fear constantly and told myself i will pass, but much more different fears came up. at the end of the day, when falling asleep, again fear came up and I surrendered to it. What happened next I guess was a kundalini rising experience. I felt extremely intense energy in the abdomen and in the chest and it was going up to my throat. I felt like a huge snake was coming up from the belly to the throat, I actually felt it in the throat very clearly. I fell asleep shortly after, surrendering and knowing it will pass. day 7 Because of last night, I felt a very heavy feeling in the chest, burning sensation with pressure, which lasted until the last day. I started to be extremely emotional. every slight little emotion I felt as something jumping in my chest. cried a few times. day 8 When you do vipassana, you're supposed to sense scan the body, sense sensations and be equanimous with them. most of my practice because of the fear that arised I was busy being equanimous with the sensation of fear, and not with different parts of the body. Nearing the end of the day, I fell into a state of perfect equanimity. intense fear was there, but I didnt care about it. the realization of the fact that i didnt care created more fear, but I didnt care about that fear also. I didnt care about any sensation in my body. this state passed. day 9 couldnt meditate very well because I was waiting for the 10th day to finish the course, a lot of thoughts of possible things i will say to people came up. During the evening I contemplated the reason for all my fears. earlier I prevented myself to think about them and just surrendered to them, I think it was a mistake. I have done shadow work previously but didnt get anywhere. Here, I realize all of my fears point to "Im not good enough". for example, I contemplated why do i fear being depersonalized -> because my parents would suffer -> I would be a bad person. another example, I fear saying the wrong thing to people -> because I would be stupid or they wont want to hang out with me -> im a loser another one, I fear going crazy -> because others will see me as crazy -> im a loser during the retreat I think i overcame these fears to a certain extent and they dont affect me as much anymore day 10 amazing day, talking to people was so refreshing, my fear went away, cried a few times during the loving kindness meditations. only at the end of that day I truly understood how im supposed to be working with the technique properly, ironically, after finishing the course. day 11 came back home, during the whole day I felt very equanimous, my family is very negative and i was very sensitive so i felt some sad emotions sometimes, but i was ok with it. What I got out of it: A way to deal with my laziness. My laziness is extremely severe and it damages a lot of areas of my life. now I know a way in which to overcome it: to feel the sensation of not wanting to do something and to know it will pass, and to do the thing I want. the sensation usually passes very quickly. i will be practicing vipassana daily for some time now. I see it as a technique which will bring balance into my life, which is one of the most important things in life, if not the most important. I understood better the theory I learned in Leo's videos and understood experientially better what spirituality is about. A lot of old unpleasant memories that I didnt think about for a long time came up and I managed them. I feel like I know better what to do with my life now. I feel very equanimous and I have much more willpower. I still have very strong cravings, but I know how to deal with them. I understood better the value of communication with people, barely talking to anyone in 10 days. I realized how much I love my family and how attached I am to them. I understood what people talk about when they say that during practices like self inquiry they have a fear which prevents them from going further. I definitely felt like if I'd surrender something unexplainably bad is going to happen. I understood better how to deal with fear, more experience with it. I actually feel like on the spiritual path now, as when before I felt like an amateur. I opened my heart much more. I realized all my fears originate in "im not good enough" overcame fears overcame the extreme difficulty of meditating the whole day proved to myself i can be really hardworking. I never slept or anything like that when I had meditation time, while i've noticed others do sleep. this experience made me a more strong and mature person. I was the youngest person there, 20 years old. I feel greatful that I started to know what life is about at such an early age. It gives me confidence that ill be able to achieve great results at a young age and serve others more. I stopped craving for spiritual experiences, they pass. I care more about liberating myself now. I understood how to actually work mindfully, a lot of concepts I learned in the past make sense now. I know how to deal with my lack of satisfaction in the present moment. I crave for something that doesnt exist. I understood how much I care about my ego. for a few moments here and there i reconnected with my inner child and have seen the world with wonder as i have seen it then. I decided to quit porn for good I understood how to eat healthier

@Viking You are amazing man. So impressed and happy for you!❤️

@Silvester http://app.thework.com/

@InfinitePotential That’s just awesome. I hear ya now. Thank you. Yes, I’m writing a book, and thank you for the encouragement. ??

@Gryner I’m in the US. I took Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and some others I can’t remember. Everyone’s past is relative and different. We are One, and also we are unique, every one of us a masterpiece - and you are no exception. Because no two people have the same past, and did not internalize everything in the same way - medication benefit some and not others, retreats benefit some and not others, etc. But you, you are ‘doing the work’. You are facing your fears: acknowledging the role fear is playing in your life, talking it through, learning about it, starting to understand it. You deserve to stop, take note of this, and feel good about it. Feel confident. I understand how rough it is. There are good days ahead, and rough days ahead for all of us. The work you’re doing now is worth it. Your life is going to be significantly better than it would have been, if you didn’t go to that retreat. Thank God for that retreat!! You’re waking up! This is the hard part, it WILL PASS! ?? I believe you also are highly sensitive. Where & when I grew up, that was perceived as a ‘negative’ “unmanly” type thing, and I think it had a lot to do with my depression, which led to compensating with food, sex, drugs, weight gain, pills, video games all day, etc, etc. There is a movie I think you would really resonate with and find solace in called “Sensitive - The Untold Story”. I know it’s on Amazon Prime, but I don’t know if you have that in Poland. Highly sensitive people are at first lost in society, but then, at some point, that coin flips, and that “weakness” becomes a strength. An unbelievable, intuitive, strength. Again, - Hang. In. There. Buddy. It will pass and you’ll be the better for it. You mentioned you talk with your therapist about your fears, that’s good. Be patient with that. Expressing is key, it’s critical to have someone listening, just so you can continue to express what you’re feeling, experiencing. Consider this...if you are highly sensitive, like everyone else you want to feel good. Like everyone else, you avoid what doesn’t feel good. Most can live a whole life in avoidance, good days, bad days, no biggie. Being highly sensitive though, you are not about to sleep through this life in an ignorant half hearted stupor. That life is not enough. And so here you are, doing the work, learning and discovering yourself. When the fear is present, when the sensations suck ass - be present. Internally speaking, don’t run, don’t avoid, just experience it. That, is the way to be free of it - and you will be free of it. On a personal note, my last remaining grandparent, my grandma, passed a few days ago. She was an amazing woman, an artist. When I was around 5, she started teaching me how to draw, how to paint, etc. At her funeral, they read something I wrote about her and mailed to her around 20 years ago. I didn’t even remember writing it, but, it was beautiful. There were around 100 people, and every one of us lost our shit. Lol. I realized, I’m already a writer. I always have been. Anyways, she migrated here, from Poland. You may not see things like synchronicity yet, but you will. We are all in this together, you too. You’re not alone.

@Consilience Lovin the “consilience” is motion ?

@YaNanNallari We tend to welcome ‘positive’ sensations with open arms, and we have many sneaky was of avoiding and suppressing the ‘negative’ ones. When you finally decide to exit that duality, and embrace the not so good feeling stuff...then you’re doing the work - seeing what the rest of you really is. Initially, it blows (backlash), ultimately, it’s the most worthwhile endeavor.

@Gryner From what you provided...it seems the retreat was the turning point...have you contacted the manager and talked about this? They might have experience and knowledge that would be beneficial. Psychosis is a symptom, not a root. Have the doctors done scans, ruled anything out, diagnosed anything? Your health & well being have to come first. If you start school a semester later, so that you can fully recover, that is not a big deal at all. I don’t think you need any pressure right now, so you can fully relax and recover. To what extent does this have to do with your life, environment, perspectives, and choices well before the retreat. Have you talked to therapists ? Have you and the therapist considered the possibility of suppressed trauma (s)? My gut feeling is there is trauma, you were used to suppressing it but unaware that you were, and the retreat gave a glimpse of good you could feel, which triggered the repression, and left you in a limbo with it. You will be fine. Be patient. Relax. Recover. You will be feeling centered again, life will be good. I have been through similar things, and the most meaningful thing I can say is, that this too will pass. It will. It may not seem like it, but it will. You’ll be alright.

@Ingit ❤️

@Ingit The only credit due anyone for wisdom is only in having surrendered it. To have simply sat, and breathed, while all things disappear, all sensations disappear, while identity disappears, until there is only the breath - and having continued sitting until even the breath organically minimizes, and ultimately subsides, and within this cessation there is no longer an observer nor the observed, no longer the witness nor a sensation to be witnessed, only the singularity, only the one. You are the one. The wisdom is yours, and one day, it will disappear.

@Ingit It takes as long as you avoid, avert, the fear. This happens in the paradigm of positive & negative: positive..welcomed, “negative”...avoided, averted, “kept in the dark”, no awareness given to it. When you say “ok. Done running. Done. Gonna sit with this and I’m not gonna pick up some distraction. Just going to listen to sensations. I’m done running. I’m ready to listen now, I don’t care about positive or negative. I want the Truth”. Every thought is of this aversion. Every one. Without aversion = without thought. But then, life throws this at you. And you get to go deeper into the fear, deeper into the liberation.

@SOUL That’s really funny. I appreciate it. It doesn’t make a bit of difference if I write it or not. It’s worthless.

@Ingit EXCELLENT realization! Awareness of the loop: fear, aversion, trigger, disconnected/fragmented, regret...will end the loop. Awareness cures.

@Emanyalpsid Being is not dependent. Consciousness does not “depend” on appearance of consciousness. What you have mentioned is appearance of. ”Consciousness needs a reality in order to exist.” These are not separate, though the appearance is admittedly convincing.

@Ingit Go to it, see the trigger & the unfolding, which led to “relapse’. Go to the root. What are you afraid of? Why are you afraid of it? The cure is in the pain. The truth is behind the falsity. The sensation is a message, received by “the 1% of you”, sent from “the 99% of you”. Trust the shit out of the “rest of you”, that “99% rest of you” which beats the heart, breathes The Life - and sends “you” the messages, the sensations. Read the message, don’t ignore it. Get off the rollercoaster by always accepting the sensations / “messages”, until they are only whispers, in 100% harmony. (* the use of percentages here is to draw attention to the actuality of the whole, appearing to be divided through avoiding the sensations / messages)

@Barry J Is there more thinking present when sober, or high?

@Barna Deconstruct the apriori I and there is no fear, because there is no second thing, or “thing” other than being, and therefore no remaining falsity, no “thing” which could be feared. The only service of courage, is to deconstruct what creates the fear, implying any need for courage. There was no fear when you were one. You added it. Look within, look into how this was accomplished. Look into ‘your’ birth.

@Ar_Senses The one to see through is the same one which strives, efforts, try’s, etc. “Strive” is not actuality, it’s a thought impressed upon actuality. Or, there is true inspiration and divinity, the perfect flow of love, divine flow of all appearing relativity in perfect harmony, absolute perfection - and a body / brain, witnessing what’s happening, says “I am this person, striving”. The perfection, the ever lasting synchronicity, is unnaccessable with thought. Thought “finites things” inherently by the nature of thought, but there are no things, finite is appearing, you are infinite, appearing as finite things. Thinking says “I am this one” “this body & brain” “this here finite thing with the brain and senses, aware of all these other finite things”. Without thought, no more finite- pure inspiration, intuition, flow, ‘in the zone’, blissful. Thinking there is one system is still thought dividing, a hint at how divisive thinking is. Nothing is ever added. Deconstruction always leads to Nothing / Emptiness - synchronicstic, infinite, perfection - All Is Well/God/You. All else is thought, believed, as in “I now have increased consciousness” , or “I am now more”, that “ I “ is always only an a priori thought, because you were already infinite. Can’t add to infinite. Can only deconstruct what you already, through out life, added. “Higher Self” is only words, pointing at self realization. Infinite self, realized as what already is, by the absence of all thinking, all thoughts which imposed finite. Words are communications, parts, only pointers to what is inbetween the words and inbetween the thoughts. You don’t reach a higher self, you surrender the falsity of the “lower self” the “apart self”, there are not actually parts, just thoughts of parts, which are typically unnoticed, unaware of. That, is were the pain hides, where the fear hides, where doubt is created. Another indication of how tricky thought is, always fragmenting, always saying “I can be this”, “I can be more”, “ I “ “can add to infinity”, ultimately, this is denial of self. Self is infinity. Always was, is, and will be, as time and space are within it, never creating it.

Go into that. Reality is not cold & deterministic. There’s a denial of reality there, and a freedom revealed for facing it. Thought is sneaky. There are no discrepancies. There is thought being tricky. An a priori “ I “ is required first for there to then be decoherence and confusion. Deconstruct beliefs, they aren’t true, they’re belief. Freedom. Go into it, decipher the messages of sensations. Disregarding is the panic, disregarding fragments. Awareness can not by divided, thinking creates an appearance of this, then there’s more “work to do” in the fragmentation from having disregarded. The root of disregarding any of the logic and emotion, is fear. Any fear present and there is no nonduality. Nonduality is not a state. The importance of that is seeing the tendency of mind to separate and segregate “states”, which is a denial of the totality, the actuality, of nonduality. If “you” are “using the nondual state” then there is a segmented, separated “you” via thought. Then there is the apparent need to “conceptually reinforce reality” which is thinking, deeply tricky thinking. Reality can not be conceptually reinforced, because you can not actually be separated from it to begin with. You are doing some great introspection, some great work man. Thinking is very very tricky. Nonduality is without it. Monkey mind is thought always attempting to justify “I am separate from the toaster”. Awareness of just how deep and long thinking goes, in terms of falsity, this “ I “ is a facinating proccess. I way to put it is, the mind creates a separate “ I “ as the “holder of intelligence”, but you are everything and nothing, not a part which holds anything. You are intelligence itself, not a partitioned piece of it. Same with love, which is typically discovered after all thoughts and roots are inspected and rooted out in the light of awareness.

@SoonHei ? Meditation - let thought go. Contemplation, hold an inquiry in mind. The ‘product’, is your developed ability for distinctions like ego tricks vs insights. Like flexing a muscle and relaxing a muscle are necessary to strengthen. You’ll see a whole, new, ordinary. The differences & connections between surface level thinking, reactions, ego, rationality, logic...and their ‘deeper’ currents of intuition, love, wisdom, sensations, is clearer. “The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master.”