Kelley White

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About Kelley White

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  • Birthday June 5

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  1. Hi @Elton. Thank you for sharing. Nicotine addiction is one of the most challenging addictions to overcome. You might find this video of Leo's helpful. This might be something of interest related to this thought...
  2. Hahahaha Which I failed to follow by be careful what you ask for? Hahahahaha @Electron
  3. A profound thank you. @Piotr, thank you.
  4. That is a powerful statement right there.
  5. I watched this video this morning and then did the work from the perspective of I gave up on him, my fear. I then benefited from doing the work from both perspectives.
  6. It might hurt, but will take temporary pains from revelation for long term healing over long term suffering of my own creation.
  7. If you suspect you might suffer from lunacy you might be desperate to find wellness.
  8. Hi @Canadian, it's nice to meet you. I have never found I could will myself to "not" think about something. Like @MartineF and @charlie2dogs have offered, there are lots of options to either redirect your focus in the moment. Something I am finding more helpful is pausing in that moment and doing self inquiry to find the root cause of the thought loop I am in at the moment. I will detach from judging it, I just allow it, feel it, and begin to ask if it is true. For me "the Work" of Byron Katie has helped me do self inquiry in a way that I can get to the heart of those root causes. I hope you are doing better today and wish you the best of luck working through this.
  9. Hi @ExitDone. Personally I am a girl that likes results and I like 'em quick. I am a fan of Byron Katie because I find she gets results very quickly. I shared your fear so I have done self inquiry related to bullies and people of that flavor. I am hearing You are afraid of bullies. You are afraid your girl friend will think you are a pussy. You are afraid others will see you as a pussy. I would invite you to listen to Byron Katie and try the work on this. I wish you the best working on this.
  10. @99th_monkey, thank you for taking the time to read and the encouragement.
  11. Its not a linear process; eye observes this is what is but "I" forget. So I tried, in hindsight, to run from pain. I wanted to believe and thus saw only what I wanted to see. I tried to be brave and confront childhood sexual abuse while still having a victim mentality and became a victim. I almost lost everything I owned, I lost my vehicle, was homeless briefly. I put myself in harms way by being naive and confusing morality with common sense. I thought I wanted to be a life coach and help people; then I began moderating in the forum and realized all the skills I lacked despite the best of intentions. I learned I am a people pleaser which makes me inauthentic. My yes does not always mean yes and my no does not always mean no. I learned I have a victim mentality which opens me to abuse and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I learned the difference between judgement and common sense. I learned I have an over abundance of judgement and a lack of common sense. Martin Lucas defined common sense for me as, "you don't have to stick your head in the oven to know its hot." Wholly different from ovens are bad. I tend to say are you a good oven or a bad oven? Let me stick my head in, hang out for awhile and find out. Good or bad an oven is still an oven. Then I wonder why my head is on fire? I know, thank you Captain Obvious, but some what "is's" allude us. I began doing the work in earnest and observed the majority of my suffering came from beliefs which are in conflict with what is. I learned I am angry, resentful, fearful because I don't like what is very much. I like the way I want to believe it is in my mind's eye until reality hits me over the head with a brick. Then I believe all of life is just being hit with bricks reinforcing the erroneous belief and those bricks are yellow, not made of gold, and only lead us down of path of suffering on a guided tour by fear. For a week I have just questioned and observed my emotions, allowed them and the thoughts and not judged them, but questioned them. I turned 54 the 5th of June. So many of my birthdays have been ruined by others in my mind. This year I did the work. It looked like this. "I wish my husband was the man I wished he was. I wish he was here to love me on my birthday." "I wish my kids were here and loved me on my birthday." Is this true? Yes. Can I know this is true? No. What is? My husband is the man he is. Would I want that man here with me on my birthday? No. What is? My children have full happy lives and are good people. Do I need them with me on my birthday to be happy and feel loved? No. The Turnaround: I want me to love me and be there to love me on my birthday. I want me to give me a special day. Interestingly enough? I had a great birthday. My youngest son texted me first thing int he morning, "Happy Birthday Mommy." Its the first time in years I can remember him calling me "mommy" versus mom and a msg on a special day awaiting int he morning versus coming at the end of the day. It made my day. I had well wishes, surprises, and guests. Had my husband been with me I would NEVER have had guests. Today? The Work continues. I received a call from a dear friend who knows both my husband and I. My husband let it be known he was melancholy because it was my birthday. Hearing this I want to believe he really cares; that he is the person I want to believe he is. Confusion sets in. Emotions flood in, the suffering and the moral judgments begin. My mind wants to push this pain away; find anyone to make it better, to tell me I am right so I can just put the pain and the guilt and the shame back in a box and ignore them to move on with my day. I know this won't "work." I turned to @Leo Gura's new video about morality...again. I stop about ten minutes in and start wracking my brain. What is the hold here? What is the core belief driving this confusion? There has to be a moral judgement hiding somewhere getting in the way. I thought back to the day I was convincing him to go to detox. He looked at me and said, "You want what you are unwilling to give. You are abandoning me." It hit me, he struck at my core FEAR. Abandonment. I have felt abandoned all my life. The Work "When you love someone you shouldn't abandon them." What is? People do abandon people they love. The Turn Around "When you love someone you should abandon them." "I want me to love and not abandon me." This may seem very simple and obvious to someone else...but me for? This right here is a lifetime of suffering and huge. He is not the source of my suffering. He is no longer in my physical reality. He is in the matrix and the matrix is my thinking. My daughters are not the source of my suffering for abandoning me. I am the source of my suffering for abandoning me. I am the source of my suffering for ignoring me. I am the source of my suffering by saying, "yes" when I mean "no", and "no" when I mean "yes." The people in my life are treating me the way I have taught them to treat me. I cannot say this revelation is not painful, it is. I have been unfaithful. I have been unfaithful to me. That is my work for the day.
  12. @Ryan_047, my honest answer back? I am probably the last person to ask? There is nothing normal about me. Most of the time all I feel is pain, like I am tolerated versus liked, that I am broken beyond repair, and I am terrified everyday of my life. I don't like myself, I don't understand what others see in me when they say they do like me. I feel like I make a mess or have failed at mostly everything I do. I can't speak to what normal people feel on the average day. I've never felt "normal." Most of my life I just wish I di not exist so I saved other people the burden of dealing with me. As to the reason to keep or not keep living, there are days I quite literally default to, taking permanent action based upon the horrible emotions I live with most of the time would be so grossly damaging and traumatizing to others and would be so selfish it is not an option. I had a friend when I was in my twenties, who used to say, "You're doomed to live." Someday I am aware I am just doomed to live, so I isolate myself from others so I won't drag them down with the negativity that I can't shake. When you've seen the worst life has to offer? It can be challenging to return to what I view as denial and just like the planet is all flowers and unicorns. When you have been abused and harmed emotionally and physically I just think it is challenging to ever see the world as safe or feel safe again. If I knew how to get unstuck from that place and stay there? I might be capable of having a life. I know I certainly work at it all the time, but this past week is leaving me feeling like perhaps I am deluding myself thinking I will ever recover or be of value to anyone. I apologize, I wish I could have a positive answer and make it all better somehow for you; unfortunately I can't even do that for myself with any amount of consistency. This morning? I find myself right about where you are @Ryan-47.
  13. Hi @Huz88. I am glad that you found them useful. Moderators are volunteers who give of their time to help others and enforce the guidelines of the forum. Thank you for your question.
  14. @Huz88, I am so glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist and tackling this issue. Thank you so much for sharing. You mentioned wondering if there were any forums, I found several using google here is a link to one...