Asayake

I achieved my position of work through following my passion, but it looked in many different ways as it took different turns, different forms. I had worked 2 jobs before that had nothing to do with what I work with now. These were jobs I did not really like and just had to work as since I didn't really try to make money with my passion before. One new years eve when I was working at my 2nd job which was killing me I had an emotional breakdown at a friends new years eve party. After that I knew I had to get myself out of the position I was in and pursue something worthwhile. Even though I am working with my passion now it's still hard work and I am forced to work a lot which takes a lot of energy and well.. time, And it's pretty lonely at times, which in the beginning made me question my path a lot. Watching my friends go to student parties etc while I'm grinding away and losing fitness. Losing touch with some of my old social circles etc. I even quit my path once for 6 months because I had enough but then I came back and kept on going. I finally learned to cope with the loneliness and stress so now I very rarely find myself questioning my path anymore. Increasingly I am enjoying the journey. And as far as the enjoyment of being self-employed, it really is great for me as I really enjoy alone time and I get a lot of it now with my job. I also get to pursue further mastery of my craft, which has been of great service for me in many ways and freed me from working with a mind-numbing job.

Is that choice not just another illusion? How did you focus on breathing instead of the thoughts by will?

"I thought I'm sad but now I'm glad a thought I thought I had. A thought I had I thought I'm glad and never was I sad." I have been trying to figure out what this means but as I am not a native English speaker I'm struggling to understand.. Does it have to do with enlightenment? Law of attraction? Feels a bit loopy/mindfucky.

Aaah,,, so it's like.. if I think I got it, I didn't necessarily really get it because that's only the thought that 'I got it', not me actually getting it? And if I think I haven't got it just yet, the 'just yet' implies a future where I will get it which is also actually just a thought so if I haven't got it yet I never will and If I have got it I always will? And actually the 'I' that thinks the thought is also just a thought so that means there is no self having the thought but actually that self is just a part of thought as an object? What about being glad, is that possible because it's just being with a feeling labeled as glad? So it's not the thought of being glad but there's a difference? I think I almost got it...

What if you blur the line between meditation and ordinary life. A technique like vipassana is clutch to bring being into everyday life activities. Deepen the practice with meditation sessions occasionally if you want but try cultivating more being into everyday moments by e.g. occasionally becoming aware of a few breaths through your nose during everyday activities instead of focusing on formal meditation sessions. If you practice like that you will get to see things from a different perspective which might dissolve some of the thoughts that are bugging you right now regarding meditation automatically. Instead of questioning to go shopping with your family because you think you should meditate you might just naturally end up doing what your meaning is in that moment, which is to go shopping with your family, because by being present in the moment, the Now, you will gravitationally pull towards going with your family harder, if that's what you should do. Because the striving for a formal meditation session seizes when you're already present where you are. And it will also make you more optimistic about formal meditation. Because now you get a chance to cultivate the presence you had with your family in a meditation session. But the best way to deepen your presence with your family might just be to be more present when you're with your family. By showing them love and acceptance and being in their presence. Instead of focusing all your presence during the formal meditation sessions on yourself, you need to let your presence expand throughout your day and direct more acceptance to everyday things which you are feeling are taking up your meditation time. I don't know if this would apply exactly to your situation. But this is what comes to mind when I read your reply. I've questioned my meditation a few times before and quit it as well. Coming back to it was always a good choice for me. And usually the reason I was quitting/practicing far less regularly had nothing to do with meditating itself but with my idea of what meditation is. Personally formal practice is very useful though, because otherwise I tend to bullshit myself more into thoughts that serve no purpose and only drag me down in the long run. I wish you luck and hope you find what you might!

This is too true!! Made me giggle reading that because it is so true, and by finding that out ironically it makes us the biggest winner?

This thread hit home for me. I've been insecure about my chest and crooked upper back for a long time now.. But just recently realized it is one of my major mental blockages. It seems rough but it is what it is. Could've been worse. Atleast we realized it and can tend to it, some people live with their insecurities their whole life and never move an inch as a result of it :(...

I've thought the same thing but what's the alternative? To become weaker, dumber, fatter, more alone. I wish those things wouldn't bring me suffering but they would...

Thank you for your replies, they were very helpful! Your perspective is very interesting :). The reminder about what courge is truly is useful. Sometimes it's powerful to remind yourself of simple things.. simple but powerful!

I've been meditating on and off for a couple of years(vipassana). And I've also had a few experiences with LSD & shrooms. Last spring I tried taking my meditation to the next level. I dropped a tab and meditated during the entire trip. What I experienced is hard to put into words and I don't understand it fully yet. However, an interesting detail is that the same exact fractal pattern I was seeing a lot at the end of the trip had been appearing in my previous trips as well, usually on the come up/comedown. Both in my LSD as well as my shroom trips. (Something that's maybe also noteworthy is that I was vegan during this time period and prior for four years. And this was messing a bit with my vision because I was slightly deficient in nutrients. I would easily get floaters during the day.) After the trip I would still be seeing the same fractals but in different colours and sizes and different translucency, even when not meditating they would come and go occasionally, usually before bed when I was tired. In the beginning the reoccurance of the same pattern in different contexts freaked me out a bit and scared me off from meditating because they would be the most intense during my meditation sessions. Fast forward to the present. After a break from meditation because I took a break to see if things cooled down a bit. I've now been meditating roughly an hour a day for a month and the patterns still reoccur but now it doesn't scare me anymore and doesn't appear as often. It seems to be happening now mostly when I am very deep into meditation. I just find it very interesting and giggle to myself when they appear because they used to scare me. But I am very curious.. is there any explanation to this? I'm currently just observing them like other objects of meditation so I think that's why they're not occuring as often. But if someone could help me with some insight here maybe I could let them go completely, as I'm obviously not completely over them(I'm making this thread). Has anyone experienced something similar?

Could it not be the case that it is just a rationalization(a good one at that) to skip meditation? Or do you find meditation equal to doing the things you do instead in terms of challenge/pleasure? What I mean is that could this not just be an excuse not to go through the trouble of meditating? There's truth in both perspectives but which perspective do you think would lead to a better life? Who will this human become with meditation and who will the human become without? Yes, on the deepest level it might be the same but unless you're aware of your enlightenment right now.. how you want your life to turn out should be reflected in what you do with your time. Meditation is a good way to embrace life!

Interesting. Thank you for the reply. I want to not fear because it brings suffering but I don't know if I can actually bring myself to not fear. I used to fear that the fractals was a sign that I pushed myself too far and injured myself. Now I know that's likely not the case so I don't fear it anymore but it's difficult not to fear the next worrying appearence whatever that might be. Regarding the past becoming my future and the future my past I'm trying to understand this. Do you mean the reason the fractals kept appearing was that they appeared in the past and by making the past and future the same I got 'stuck in a loop'? Where they would appear in the future because they appeared in the past.