Judy2

i use words to express myself. in this journal, in the piles of private journals that i've filled throughout the years and just in general. and yet, what i'm trying to say is always beyond the words that i use. sometimes i wish i could simply copy and paste the energies, vibes and emotions that i feel. ...also to find them again when i lost sight of them. but i'm afraid that's not possible, and maybe it's for the best. to simply be. (whole). i guess my point here is simply... i use a lot of dumb, empty, repetitive words in this journal. they mean virtually nothing. nonetheless, typing them can have a strong energetic impact on me. and perhaps reading them (or anything else) also affects you as a reader, in one way or another, and always as needed. though this is not for me to decide.

i like my hair. when the lighting is right, it can look slightly golden. it goes past my waist and looks cute when i wear it in two plaits. i like my eyes. they are deep and strong and pure. i like the set of earrings i am wearing right now. they are very simplistic but pretty and i inherited them from my grandma. i like that i am softer than i think i am. i love that i can feel this deeply. emotions are so beautiful. i love my friends. i love music. i love it when i see strangers smile at each other, or when people look after each other. it is just so lovely and precious to see how people show love.

now that is a lie. i simply like feeling sexy when i'm "angry". and then i think i must seem so desperate and cheap, like i'm the biggest wannabe ever.

i talked to a friend the other night and he said that it would help me to express anger. then just before i woke up this morning i had a thought, and the thoughts i have on waking up tend to be...idk, useful? accurate? i'm trying to make this sound sexy now, otherwise i'm gonna feel like a bad person. "if ___, i'll slap you in the face. i'm not good at slapping people, so it wouldn't hurt too bad. but you'd understand the gesture."

* i feel exhausted and i'm really not doing well. there can be moments when i feel like i've finally resolved it all and then 20 minutes later i don't even know anymore how to make it through the rest of the day. if i could do something to make it stop, i would. but it seems like there's nothing to be done here. i don't want to go on living like this, not for another day or month, let alone another year. and then i feel guilty for saying it as it is, or for being a burden on my friends. i'm aware that it's not helping anyone when all i do is spread negativity, also in this journal. at least i'm being real about it and i'm not hiding, so maybe that's worth something. but who knows.

for some reason, this doesn't compute so well. that we can suffer this badly, and it's simply no one's fault. it's not my fault or your fault, nor is it anybody else's. we don't want to accept this. maybe because it's easier to have someone to blame. or because it's yet another subtle way to avoid "what is".

https://open.spotify.com/track/1R7F8kYZxOe1VcGCC4eYfE?si=i9cR6PMgRZudh2JqAX6mAg&utm_source=copy-link

i have this thing where i express something positive and then my head starts screaming "you're a liar!" and when i say out loud what i dream of or desire, i feel like things are automatically less likely to go well somehow stupid me. i wish i could make it stop.

i want to be in touch with the love, sweetness and innocence that i can find within myself from time to time i want to feel safe i want to feel this loving connection with other people, whether they are friends or strangers i want to have a baby......within the next decade i guess.

i'm aware that it doesn't look like it, but i'm really trying to find a solution here. and no matter how hard i try, i just can't seem to resolve things. it's not like i lack the cognitive abilities to think other thoughts or whatever....this is a deeply emotional conflict, that's the whole point. i don't know what else i coud possibly do to get better. i'm doing well at uni, i have friends, i have a job. all in all i'm pretty functional. but then, i'm not, and sometimes i just wish i could disappear from this planet.

it feels like everyone around me is prettier and better and happier than me i wish i was perfect, but i'm not and then i fall into this black and white type of thinking where i'm all bad and they're all good and the good things about me are no more than a mismatch, an existential mistake

i feel like i'm so awkward and embarrassing:(

i tend to feel as though i don't have a right to be maybe because i can see how much of a privilege it is but i mean i'm already here

i wish i was gone i wish i could just watch and marvel at Life from a distance i love you all so much, i care so much about every single one of you but i wish i was gone i wish i didn't have to have legs and arms, thoughts and feelings i wish i didn't know what it's like to feel the cool evening breeze on my skin, or the sweetness of words on my mind

"By not making a choice, you've made a choice."

i'm very grateful for my friends.

...there's still sadness every time i realise that no matter what life i'll be living, it will be perfectly ordinary.

i feel a hint of sadness and melancholy. as if anyone or anything in this Life could be "special" or "other". all of this is so unspeakably ordinary and mediocre. and all of the problems i've been so preoccupied with aren't even real. how desperately i wanted them to be real! and now i can't help but cry because everything's the same to me.

the kids i'm tutoring are just way too sweet and well-behaved. after our lessons i'm always so awfully aware that i'm an adult now, and at the moment they're also making me question my career goals. maybe i should become a teacher after all? but i don't even know which country i'll settle in, and i don't want to get bored with my job.

...it's probably not good that i'm so self-centred anyway. not sure how to resolve this.

i am struggling a little when i try to share positive perspectives or experiences in this journal. maybe because my inner conflicts always seem so much more fundamental than the few decontextualised moments of joy and appreciation that almost seem structurally irrelevant. or because i feel like i'm either being silly or arrogant when i write about myself or my life in positive terms. then again, i feel just as guilty for my imbalanced, mostly pessimistic entries in here. it might not be all too apparent from the outside - i guess most of the time it looks like i'm playing word games and jumping back and forth between the same five or six dualities - but expressing some of my emotions through language can trigger emotional releases and does not necessarily keep me stuck. anyway, the point is that i feel like i should try to include some more positivity in here. i'm not quite sure how exactly (make lists?, impressionistic descriptions, note it down when i do feel good about myself in the same way that i'd do it when i feel bad about myself?) but i'll figure it out eventually. i'm just scared that i'm gonna sound selfish when one day i go like "i like my hair and my eyes" or whatever.