AliceK

I would really appreciate if you could share you opinions on my situation. I feel I should break up with my boyfriend. It's really difficult to do. We have been together for 5 years and started living together 1.5 years ago. I'm 26F and he's 28M. If you had asked me one week ago how I feel about my relationship I would say great, but 4 days ago my perspective changed. A few days ago my bf told me ''You don't know how to open the window - look what you've done. Go and do it the right way.'' I didn't notice I had made a mistake, and immediately got up to fix the window. But then I told him: Look I don't appreciate how you talk to me. It's not ok. And then it's how it went downhills - he started being quiet, I asked him what it was and he told me he is unhappy with out relationship and wants to break up. We cried a lot and I convinced him we should go to a couple therapist together before giving up a 5 year old relationship. He said he is unhappy because of little things, like me not washing up the knife after cutting something, putting my legs on a coffee table, bathroom being wet after I shower etc.. and that he can't live like that anymore. I get that I was messy and that I can be messy when I'm having a bad day, but recently I've been really trying and still it's not enough. For example that window, I was not aware I didn't do it right and it was not my intention. I feel I can never change and be who he wants me to be. He told me he sees me as a child and can't imagine me being a mom. On the other hand, I don't like how he talks to me, he can be really rude and then dismissive about it. I actually have PTSD when I'm making lunch or something that he is going to be angry about something I'm not aware of. Actually he is not really aggressive, he just gets really impolite and it hurts me. I talked to my friends about this, and they all told me that they had noticed him being mean to me. They were talking about situations him being mean I was not aware of. Honestly I was really being dismissive about him being mean, saying to myself it's nothing, but I get really sad when I see how other men treat their girlfriends. And I ignored all of this until a few days ago when I really started questioning the relationship after he told me he is unhappy. He told me he is aware about him being mean and that his father does the same thing to him, and he doesn't like that and he will try to be nicer. But on the other hand he doesn't accept my feelings, I told him I was sad about him being unhappy and that it hurt me, he told me I shouldn't be hurt but I should try to be better in a relationship. He also told me I have a high opinion about myself and that no one would like my behavior. I feel like he doesn't like me anymore. I'm not sure when all of this started but it wasn't like this for the first couple of years of our relationship.

To me, this is crazy. That's like treating your wife as if she was your roommate. But again, this is just my opinion. Obviously, you will find a girl that shares your values. Now I know that this topic should be brought up at the beginning of a relationship, maybe even before the relationship.

@Max_V And what if you had a wife, and she was earning 3x less than you. Would you still tell her that you don't want to spend more money on groceries and bills than her and tell her that she should get a better job? I'm actually scared that guys with 50/50 mindset don't change and that my marriage would be like that.

@Gianna Thank you for your insights. I also fear that stinginess is too deep and that a conversation won't really change it.

I'm not here talking that I want a guy paying for everything. I'm just saying that I think he should sometimes pay more, or at least pay for dinner because that's just the norm (he invited me). It won't affect me in a way that I wouldn't want to have a job, but it would just show me that he cares. I want to have life purpose, to be independent and to have a job.

I can communicate with him about everything - but I feel really weird communicating about this. I tried explaining to him that gym is not expensive and that he should pay for it but he says ''I already told you I don't want to it's a lot of money.'' And I don't know how I'm supposed to tell him that he should spend money on me. That's even more weird. Even if I do tell him, he would feel as if I'm making him do it, as if he has to do it. And I would feel stupid because I would think that he doesn't really want to do it but has to.

I get what you mean. It would be foolish if I liked my bf because he has a well-paid job. I think that biologically I have this attraction towards a dominant male that is a protector. And I think money is a part of that protection. But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like my bf if he was a broke student like I am, or if he earned much less than now. It’s just that I’m asking myself why wouldn’t he do that if he can?

@kamill Actually, if my boyfriend was a student, I wouldn't even think about this, since in that situation 50/50 would be normal. But we are not in the same situation right now and that's why it bothers me. I'm so sorry for your gf, yes good communication is important but I feel so weird talking about this, especially because as feel as if I can't change his perspective on this.

Hello everyone, I really need advice. I (22F) think my boyfriend (24M) is being very cheap. He earns a lot of money and still lives with his parents (he plans to move out but not rn), he doesn't spend money on anything, and he is acting as if he is really poor. I am, on the other hand, a student, and my parents give me enough money to survive. We have been together for more than a year. He prefers that we pay 50/50, sometimes we split the bill, and sometimes he pays and I pay the next time. And this is starting to bother me because I wish he would want to pay more because we are in different situations financially. A lot of weird things have happened in our relationship, for example, one time we were on a vacation and he really wanted to go to a fancy restaurant, he chose the restaurant and I paid for the bill. (and he even knew I wanted to grab some cheaper food, and fancy restaurants are not really my thing). Or when he comes to visit me in a city where I study, he pays for some food and I pay for some drinks. Again, it's not that expensive but I just think it would be a nice gest if he paid for both. Or he suggests that we get some food and doesn't bring enough money with him (I don't think he does that on purpose, I think he is just careless), so we split the bill. And he often suggests we split the bill when the bill is like 7$. Or when we go on a trip I give him half of the money for gas. I am not a gold-digger and I don't expect some expensive gifts, sometimes he gets me chocolate or something to show that he cares and I think that's nice. I don't want expensive dinners or anything like that. However, since he is in a situation where he earns about 10x more than I get from my parents, I really expect when he comes to visit me that he pays both for drinks and food. It's not a lot of money and it would be nice of him. He is also being cheap for himself, for example, he doesn't want to pay for the gym because ''that's a lot of money'', and he wants to save the money for the future. Now I feel weird to go anywhere with him because I can't stop imagining how he expects that we split the bill and how everything is ''expensive''. I can't invite him to come to a city where I study, because I know he doesn't want to spend money on airbnb (because he's not allowed in my dormitory), but on the other hand, it would be very unattractive if I pay half of the money for it. The thing is, I can't stop imagining the future with him, I think since he has the attitude of 50/50 it will always be like that even if we were married and he had a much better-paid job than I do, and it would bother me. I actually like the idea of a husband earning some more money than me so that he can afford to take me on a trip or something like that. His attitude really affects how I see him and it turns me off a lot. I don't know what to do, what do you guys think of this? I would like to hear opinions from your perspectives. Am I being too dramatic or is he really being cheap? Am I expecting too much or is his behavior normal?