at_anchor

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Everything posted by at_anchor

  1. I swear to God in the past I was able to do stuff like watching and understanding videos, taking important quotes out, even translating Spiral Dynamics a bit and other stuff. I was able to read and pull all nighters, then sleep over the day! These days I can't sleep over the day. If I wasn't poisoned and if anyone wants to contradict that claim, then I can tell you with certainty that you are wrong. Now it is gonna be said that I was always unstable like I am now, always unwell, always less than people who are now more successful than me because they got helped. As though I was always incompetent, when in fact I was more competent than,yeah. The problem was that I didn't know that I'm gonnabe a victim and target of terrible people and that they would get me this low. The problem was that I judged myself for nothing and I didn't know that I should get out of a place they set up a trap in for me. The problem was my high moral ground, my stupid desire of entitlement and hope that I can achieve something big in this country, that I can rule it, cause I thought if people like them can, I thought I was smarter. Maybe I was, maybe I ain't. What a mistake. I wish I never got where I am now. Never. It's worse than waking up to a city that's about to be bombed.
  2. By the way, is this a boy or a man? Or is he a man with a youthful apperance?
  3. Now this is utter beauty. No, nope, they don't get better than this. Oh my God, he/she is, like, : ), there is no girl on Earth that can compare to this. In terms of looks and all a 10 out of 10. Compared to this, your Egyptian girl is miniscule 0,00000000000000001 out of 10 : ) Is it possible that anyone would be dumbstruck by that Egyptian girl more after checking this baby out? He is shirtless, but a shirt on wouldn't change anything. Like wow. He makes me insecure about my looks as well, but not jealous.
  4. What a mindfuck : ) I don't know how to say it. If I was free, I'd sit in a car, drive to the airport, fly all the way to I don't know, somewhere better than here, get a job somewhere on a construction sight or something come back home to a great spouse and drink some wine of the Gods to die before I die. But I'm not free. Maybe what you are saying now will become apparent when in die in 50 years, but right now it doesn't make sense. I never picked this path, at least not conaciously. It was a mistake, an accident.
  5. I wish I knew what you said there. I get that beliefs, assumptions and especially conditions can turn me into what I'm not originally. It must be amazing. I want to get there.
  6. You have to be experiencing something amazing. I wish I could do it too. It's freedom. I could never grasp how it's all me at the level you have and never will. I stopped meditating and even yoga. Phone all day, phone and food. I wish I could be where you are at in terms of consciousness right now. So you're a fish in the water that wishes it never read some of the things it read and never experienced some of the things you experienced. Vice versa. I can understand that. But here you go saying there is no me again. Decide which is it, is there a you or not? Jeez. It's obvious that you haven't done anything in your life, I can relate to that. It was like a bunch of atoms or you know you were like in a glass snow globe, I mean yes, there is no you, you were just imagined, identified with in this flow of substances and objects, even substance is, well it is made out of nothing, a dream matter. You were never there. If you were born someplace else, you'd be different. I know that. If I was born in Japan, and not in China, I'd be like, lol, speaking Japanese and having an amazing life in Tokyo. If we change your life story even just a little bit, everything else in your future changes. You don't do or decide the same things. Then again, what about the YOU that reincarnates? There is nothing like that, right? Oh common, get me into this clean, pure, relaxed, insane state that you're in. You must be sitting there with eyes wide open, with a big smile and your mouth opened in amazement. I can't believe that I could literally be happy like that sitting in this room, but with a bit of 5-Meo-DMT, maybe I could. I'm arrogant, I know. Sorry. This is why I want to die, you know, because I can't get where you are with consciousness.
  7. I know I have value to a degree. I'm just saying that my face and stuff is not as beautiful, as pleasing as I want it to be anymore. If I compare it to faces of people I had sex with, I'd love myself... I don't know why I want to kiss at all. If could be happy without it, that would be cool. I just want the person to feel as though being with me is better than being anywhere else in the world, the way I'd feel. Okay, I might try that, thank you.
  8. I drink a lot of water. In the past few weeks I ate pretty clean, aside from a piece of meat here and there or some baloney. I'm glad I was able to, because my stomach did get fatter and I really don't want to get any fatter which my family members are not in agreement with. Some want others to see me as sicker as possible. It is something that I just can't take. I always wanted abs or a flat stomach, and a fat stomach makes me scared of the false opinions and judgments of others. "Ah, look at that fat, lazy bum. That fat, jealous, insatiable bad guy. Take that pig where it belongs" or you know, you just get to be seen in the wrong light, portrayed worse and they basically see you in that moment in time where you're at yoir worst as of yet and then yeah. In the past, anything I eat, be it brownies, cakes, meat, anything would just automatically get processed within a day and that's that. It was a really good engine I guess.
  9. @Lila9 I don't know then, you're right. It's crazy complex.
  10. May I suggest a possible solution to this problem and then you correct me for why I'm wrong? The west cost should unify with Jordan, the Gaza strip should unify with Egypt then Israel wouldn't dare take any more land ever again. What are they waiting for? Do they want to win the war or not? If they want to save themselves, they should unite with Egypt and then that would be attack on Egyptian territory which those Semites or whatever would not dare cross onto, hahaha, they would not dare say that they will respond severely and hope to have as little casualties as possible because Egypt would blow that country up in one full strike. While the fact that Israel is a small country hungry for land and survival, the fact that Semites were not treated well in the second world war, I mean, I'm sorrry. If they want more land, they can basically do it peacefully, maybe offer the Palestinians jobs, money, education, I don't know.
  11. That a particular society wants to hold me in itself and keep me down, humiliate me and abuse me, keep me from having a good life and make me have a really bad one. It's also that I can't develop myself as a result and be able to attract a man, build an intimate relationship with him and so forth. It's poverty, having to be with people that wish me all the worst and do things to make my life worse. It's the weakness and pain I feel when my stomach doesn't work or I can't sleep. I don't know. It's that I have so many years left to live and it scares me what is gonna happen. It would be great if i could isolate myself from everyone for the rest of my life, someplace nice and warm where I couldn't be found, where no one can get to.
  12. Today I got a response from Dignitas. I feel like I could get everything good in life, health, financial independence, security, love, and all. But this is better than nothing. Even if there is no reincarnation, which I'm choosing not to believe in for the purpose of making a sound choice, I would still want this now because, hey, it's people. They can be monsters. The biggest monsters on earth live around me here. Because of them my life is as it is now and was as it was. I can't wait for death to help me escape from family, society, poverty, abuse, injustice, disease, and so forth. I can't wait to die with dignity. I might be exempted from paying basically over 12000 franks and maybe I get this. What do you think? I just have to sign some papers when I am able to leave the country. Finally, God and Freedom is coming faster than I thought I would have to wait for them to come:')
  13. I'd have to exclude the possibility of becoming a roofer. These low level careers are not perfect, but they can be enough to afford a decent lifestyle and safety if only I could get out of here. I'm lacking assurance for this.
  14. I might be overly gay again. Sometimes I feel attracted to females, other times not.
  15. I'd say 9 or 10. Really? Utter beauty? You're very straight my man. I see goodness in her, but looking at her isn't that pleasing to me : ) She is a very, she looks like someone you can trust, someone benevolent and good. Maybe I'm wrong. She looks like an angel. It's just that I don't want to have sex with her. Not because she is not attractive to me, but because she is so good. I'd rather be her friend from a slight distance. She makes you wanna be polite and calm in her presence. She has a positive effect on you. But I dare not even think about having sex with her.
  16. @Reignforest I mean, I wouldn't mind being orange or blue if I could. I'd like to think that I'm green in a sense, but I'm also pretty much without friendships and relationships so it ain't that green. But I could be very green, I don't know, I could be red as well lol I am sorry for being so hard to talk to and to get the point across. I guess the best place for me would be in a stage green or yellow community, which is why I said Germany is better than America. It's probably greener. But I highly doubt it's easy to position myself somewhere in there. However, I do like fine cars. Oh boy. But if there were no people on Earth, I'm not sure I'd care what car I drive. But still, if there were no people on Earth I'd probably take a Ferrari, just a much older version, I like oldtimers. I like Volkswagen Golf 2 because it's so nice, maybe better than a Ferrari, ha? In terms of my environment, it is pretty stage RED/blue with orange as well. I can't fit anywhere in there except at the bottom where they placed me. Yeah, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger quote isn't true all the time. I'm happy you're doing better. Just keep going like that. Cheers
  17. I don't know how to deal with it. I'm scared of people. You never know if they are gonna poison you or rob you and get away with it. I'm scared of people, end of story. There is no other animal I'm more afraid of in this world than the talking ape.
  18. @Reignforest Sorry to hear what you've been through but I'm glad you made it through all of that. Hopefully everything is good now. I'm not sure it will ever turn out good in my case. I don't know. I have or I had a lot of green in me. I had a lot of blue morality, I had orange and red. It's hard to pinpont precisely. Working hard to move up is kind of impossible. You can't tell me America has the same problem with people. Americans are a gazillion times better. Even Trump is better than what I'm dealing with. If I was born in America, life would have been fucking awesome. You can't convince me otherwise. But I know strange things happen there as well and people end up in weird fucked up situations over there. Which is why they say Americans are stupid, but I don't know how true that is. I'm not seeing the big picture. American citizenship alone is so fucking insanely valuable you have no clue. There is so much money and opportunities there, it is safer than here, it is America. Germany is even better than America, but yeah. I'm never gonna get a better citizenship.
  19. If there ain't no way to be safe from bullies, to be separated from them and out of their reach, what then is left?
  20. Hey again. I'm living in a bad persons house. Doesn't let me relax till midnight and then I don't get sleep. Dogs bark and make it hard to sleep as well. Aside from that it might also be something in my nervous system. I want to get to safety. What are my options for getting out of poverty that others placed me in? I need to brainstorm possible escape routes.
  21. @Reignforest I'm basically uselessly hoping that one day I'll get to a cpuntry where I'll have a safe financial and health situation, a kind of equal standing with others and that I'll be able to get the relationship I want. You can't get money and relationships you want if people hate you and want to rob you and torture you. If they see that they are justified in attacking you. It's not a war with guns, it's harder.
  22. I know. But I'm not welcome and accepted. Every person sooner or later turns against me because of others. Aside from that, I am dependent on people that don't explicitally attack me, but they make me suffer and unable to sleep. One day I can wake up a bit rested, another totally unrested. People don't like being around you if you're not well and if it's not apparently in their interest.
  23. No. Aside from a dog barking and before that my family member coming at midnight, I have gotten a constant high tone in my left ear. I don't think I'll ever find health and work security in life. Poverty, loneliness and mental illness, that's not why I was born, I'm not passionate about that. I don't want to complain, I'm just obviously despised by authority figures that want all the worst for me and that includes living in pain and misery for the rest of my life. That's 100% true. I wish there was some kind of an veterinarian to put me asleep you know. God will take care of me then.
  24. I'm not able to sleep without xanax. Dignitas will probably never help me be put to sleep. I want to go because everything has been stripped away from me, it just appears as though I'm still fine. In reality I'm never getting nothing. I'm actually in constant pain. My stomach isn't working again. I can't believe what perverse sadistic monsters destroyed my life.