mandyjw

Women will always be the weaker sex when value is judged from a survival standpoint. If you focus so much on survival and neglect the emotional and spiritual realm, there is no will to live anymore. You are programmed this way because you not here just to survive. The sacred role of a woman is much more all encompassing than being a mother. There's a reason why women are sexy and less utilitarian than men. The feminine side represents being in touch with joy, desire, beauty, sensuality, caring, feeling and inspire men to share that with them. Unfortunately if survival needs are not met, or if the mind is perpetualy stuck in a survival fear loop in a man or a woman, these traits cannot come out and depression or even violence is the result. Of course these two opposites between practical and impractical fun only exist within us. Men and women are just symbolic or representational of one more than another only because we appear to exist with in a game of survival. If you can be in touch with and integrate both you can play your role as naturally as the unique balance is for you comfortably without needing the opposite sex to act a certain way. There is always going to be a power game and suffering when one identified with rather than appreciative of their own unique balance of being in this world.

@DrewNows love Land Before Time. I had a nightmare last night in which I ended up drawn into a horrible situation and disposing of a body for someone and not knowing what they wanted me to do. When I woke up I realized that the dream meant that I take the very worst parts of other people's problems upon myself. In thought and emotion. I also made a stomach turning connection. My Dad hated his mother and always spoke ill of her. He adored his father who was quiet. His mother always pushed his father around and never respected him. She was controlling, had low self esteem and cared very much what other people thought. Dad's father died young of a sudden heart attack. Dad absorbed her thinking patterns and behavior, and I absorbed his, making my marriage a carbon copy of his own parent's. He continued to insist that he alone was worthy of respect and disparaged my husband constantly. My sister and mom used to compare me to my Grandmother Lily a lot, and I was her FAVORITE out of all the grandchildren. Just like I was Dad's favorite daughter. She loved crafts, art, and birds. Last year before the awakening, I asked my husband to take some portrait pictures of me. My sister said I looked just like my Grandmother Lily in them. The name, symbol Lily keeps come up. There are my favorite flower. I didn't spend much on our wedding. All the flowers were grown, given to me or wildflowers because we were married in August. I grew some lilies that year and they bloomed perfectly, opening just for the morning the day of my wedding and they were the centerpiece of my bouquet.

I ended up unexpectedly going to my Grandmother's house to go through one last time because someone is buying it. It was an odd experience, and felt like a lot of things tying together, with a lot of synchronicity. I realized that every one of us has a different image or story we tell ourselves and others about her. Did she ever really exist? Ever really die? No. I took the old pair of owls from the 70's and a plate I'd never noticed but was always there that says, "For All of Us, There is so much bad in the best of us and so much good in the worst of us, that it hardly behooves any of us to talk about the rest of us" I also took the latch hook rug that I always thought was hideous that says "Love One Another". And a glass hummingbird that was bought for her when she was in the hospital and she asked that her roommate be bought one too because she liked it so much. My Grammie just loved blindly, without a thought for the most part. I never appreciated the power in it until the end. I suppose I did, always, as much as I was able to. But I was always wondered where her ambition was. The latest realization about my marriage and how responsible I am feels like/ IS an awakening. It's a sudden complete paradigm shift. I also realize that in experience, I don't know what will come of it, and for now the change is only in heart. It feels as exciting as anything could be in life. I just sometimes get this thrill of excitement from it like I did in the last awakening realizing I could never die. The reality of it in practice is still painful. You don't wake up from a tantrum in which you trash your house, and immediately awaken to a clean home as if it had never happened. And this time I don't get to force it, control it, make it happen. I am here and I see your pain Through the storms, through the clouds, the rain I'm telling you you cannot escape You can do it, just feel baby

Yesterday I got in a funk and I just went outside and followed my intuition, I ended up going in by the steam that flows behind the cemetery. It ended up being a meditation/adventure/exploration. I ended up following some animal tracks, going into the cemetery and laying down in the snow by Dr. P's grave like the time I went there at night on the full moon. I just looked up to the sky, and the monument behind is so tall that it's always in view. So are the very snake like branches of the black locust trees. It's funny, the phallic monument, the meaning of his name "apple king" and the snake like trees, all very suggestive of the symbolic male/female split of the garden of Eden. With just the infinite sky in the background. A Victorian era clairvoyant doctor, what better to be a repressed housewife's fantasy. Hysterical. The historical society lady I met this summer, I could tell was also having the same fantasy about him. She mentioned in the talk how incredibly LARGE and IMPRESSIVE his monument was. She also said that her husband would be quite happy to have "his wife back" after the presentation because she got so obsessed with it and the new information that suddenly appeared after I started going to them and researching him there. There was this one photo of him that she ranted about how it came into possession of the historical society the wrong way. It was a picture of him in an incredibly ornate chair with his moody looking wife standing next to him. I forgot that he loved horses and had horses here. I tried to write the word "release" on my dream board and apparently can't spell it because I wrote realease. real lease Apparently my concept of real was only ever just a lease.

I did not intent to write a book on "Enlightenment for Desperate Housewives" but that seems to be a major theme. The deeper I go the more feminine themed stuff comes our, likely because that was repressed. Sexual repression, resonating so strongly with the Victorian era and fancy designs in art and craftsmanship all sort of came up as a theme lately. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_hysteria "According to Pierre Roussel and Jean-Jacques Rousseau, femininity was a natural and essential desire for women, "Femininity is for both authors an essential nature, with defined functions, and the disease is explained by the non-fulfillment of natural desire."[9] It was during this era of industrial revolution and the major development of cities and modern life, that this natural tendency was thought to be disrupted, causing lethargy or melancholy leading to hysteria.[9]" "Sigmund Freud claimed that hysteria was not anything physical at all but an emotional, internal affliction that could affect both males and females, which was caused by previous trauma that led to the afflicted being unable to enjoy sex in the normal way.[11][13] This would later lead to Freud's development of the Oedipus Complex, which connotes femininity as a failure, or lack of masculinity.[13] Though these earlier studies had shown that men were also prone to suffer from hysteria, including Freud himself,[5] over time, the condition was related mainly to issues of femininity as the continued study of hysteria took place only in women.[27] Many cases that had previously been labeled hysteria were reclassified by Freud as anxiety neuroses.[26] Sigmund Freud was fascinated by cases of hysteria. He thought that hysteria may have been related to the unconscious mind and separate from the conscious mind or the ego.[28] He was convinced that deep conflicts in the mind, some concerning instinctual drives for sex and aggression, were driving the behavior of those with hysteria. Freud developed psychoanalysis in order to help patients that had been diagnosed with hysteria reduce internal conflicts causing physical and emotional suffering."

That's hysterical.

Sitting at my desk feeling kinda aimless. What do you want? I want a clean house. It's a mess after so much time and focus inwards, here. I start taking care of things and realize I have to move all my books into the bookshelf in the yellow hall because the puppy has done a number on my Narnia series and even got my tarot guidebook. I moved my law of attraction and tarot cards in there, which I haven't touched in a while and then got an impulse to pick a card. I thought about how it would be perfect if I pulled the lion strength card, and guess what? That was the one.

turn around (You fucking cold hearted bitch) bright eyes turn around (God Fucking Damnit, turnaround already) bright eyes!

Girl loves her heart-led, hard working, raised on a farm Daddy with a control problem and drinking problem to match with all her heart, so she goes and finds herself a man who is a nerd with high level intelligence, passive, raised with wealth and class and has never touched a drop of alcohol in his life. But both with Christian cultural damage/repression and the knowledge of the love of God underneath it all. How's that for a brilliant manifestation of God wanting to integrate and resolve itself?

I knew this connection was coming when I saw on this album cover "hey Dad" in graffiti on the yellow door. And when my husband's car broke down a couple weeks ago and I took control and called daddy to come rescue me, to nearly disastrous consequences. You can't spend your entire life doing everything to be daddy's little girl, accepting the control and manipulation and ever love truly another man. The smashed beer bottle in the floor, the alcohol fueled verbal abuse, the extreme hatred and put downs directed to my husband, the attempts to get me to leave him, there was no other man who could save me from daddy. I could only love him as myself. Only love him as myself. Only love him as myself. Only love him as myself. Only love him as myself. Only Love Him as Myself.

Last night was the first night in a long time that I didn't have back or stomach or hip pain. Again, it seems like it should have been SO obvious. But there is not "should" and no hidden or obvious. It feels so good to be on your way. The quote "Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power," is a quote I've always been intrigued by and thought I understood. But I didn't understand power at all. Control was a strong part of my shadow. There aren't really any subjects or topics in personal development to tackle. There's only defining what you want and going with the flow, love and inspiration. It's amazing to me that symbols, colors, and whims can drag up your deepest darkest pathologies to light. And yet they aren't pathologies, just desires you're stuck on not letting yourself have or give into/let go of. It's no one's fault, you didn't know. "Forgive them (and yourself) because you knew not what you did." The love is the whim, the desire to start bellydancing which in itself to the mind seems like a distraction of some sort, but turns out to lead you to all sorts of other things. I remember when we were young and dating and I expressed the desire of someday having a blue eyed boy and brown eyed girl, mirroring our own. Isn't that stupidly specific? Who specifies their kid's eyes colors? But that's exactly what I got. I want to be the girl i was who is full of desire. "I am a goddess of desire," was the impulse I got on a run almost a year ago that felt so good. What IS desire? No one can say. It's a resonance, a spark an excitement a conscious fantasy in this dream of life. Yet here's the secret that i didn't know when I was 19, there's no future in desire, it's inseperable from focus of gratitude right here in this moment. Here's the secret i didn't know when I was 29, that there is no acceptance of the present moment without accepting desire. I transformed my house. At one time I was living in a house that was mostly gutted. I'd just had a baby girl and I wanted so badly to tell her that the year she was born we elected the first woman president. We got rats in the house, in a mostly gutted house, which meant that at night, they had the run of it. I couldn't sleep at night. "I'll be so glad when the Trump rat and the actual rats are gone." Trump won the election and it took a long time to trap the rats out. I realized that my mindset was fucked. I appreciated Trump. I realized that this was serving the awakening of the planet. I started appreciating the house, how cozy it was, how living in a small space meant it was easy to keep, and then my mother in law gave me a couple of Christmas presents I appreciated. They were all things that hung on the walls. I allowed myself to desire a finished wall to hang pictures on. This was the trigger. I found a solution, I gave up on trying to control how the house was renovated out of fear and let my husband take control of hiring out the work. My Dad had controlled the project and me from day one, because I asked him to, out of my own fear. I had to risk the relationship with my dad and let my husband take over. The house turned out better than I dreamed possible. But it wasn't finished. My Dad and I repaired our relationship, he let go of the project and Dad found me the carpenter I needed to finish it. A lot of these patterns of control and fear seemed to come from my father, who has a background of deep repression and fear instilled in him by the Christian church. There was also a lot of love and transcendence that came from it. My father is a paradox, raised to wear suits and ties going door to door preaching the word of God with a leather bound Bible under his arm, then turned into a truck driver and immersed in that culture, with its own pathologies. I absorbed the fear/control vicious cycle as my own. I let go of and the community around me transformed, my house transformed and I completely neglected the man who was closest to me, thinking I had to be true to Daddy. Even when I thought I had let go of this, the practiced patterns still ran through my head and controlled me. It's stomach turning how bad I treated my husband, even just in my own thinking. Even though outwardly I was making his meals, taking care of his children, keeping the house, faithful, always told the truth to him, doing everything I thought I needed to do and more, inwardly, in the way I thought and saw him, I was the cruelest coldest bitch to him. When you aren't conscious of your behavior and want so badly to be conscious and to truly see, your stomach turns for you and you can't know why.

Open-mindedness becomes a bridge to integrate the intense love and devotion you felt for Jesus/elephant man, expand it to nature itself, then to other people, to yourself and then everything else that is. The integration seems to take time as you surrender the ego and identification, as it is seen through bit by bit. The object of devotion serves as an intense point of focus so that this love can be experienced, then with understanding, intention and meditation the love grows to include all of reality. It's almost as if it gives you a glimpse into the infinite in the same way a psychedelic might. If you never knew the intensity of that love, you might not have the vision or spark to let it envelope your entire experience. We all have objects of devotion, and "symbols" in our life such as these, it could be a beloved childhood pet or toy. It's not just a cat.

@DrewNows I'll look into it later, I prefer to only try to understand the why of things in my own experience nowadays. But I do see how sickness I experienced in the past has served me in cases, and how I've made myself ill. Last year before the awakening I lost a DVD my kids rented from the library. It drove me CRAZY. I looked everywhere. Today, I lost my hairbrush. Both of them. And all the combs, except for my daughter's baby comb. It makes no sense. I looked everywhere. I ended up buying a copy on ebay and taking the disk to return so I wouldn't have to fess up. I looked in the couch for a comb just now, and there was the Barney DVD. Titled "Just Imagine"

@DrewNows

So I went full circle back to the Empowered/Surrendered wife book. I shattered my phone screen. My husband bought me a new one that very day without me asking. I wanted my Kindle books on it and wanted him to download and sign in for me so I brought the phone to him. He made a joke right then about rekindling things. That's the book I was intending to read. I've been SO selfish. It's about being Selfish not selfish.

@DrewNows We live in a magical fairytale, no fairytale is any fun without a few spooks.

These are Laura Doyle's 6 intimacy skills for marriage. 1. Replenish your spirit- self care 2. Relinquish inappropriate control, let him handle his own shit 3. Restore respect 4. Receive graciously, take compliments and gifts without complaint 5. Reveal your heart, be vulnerable 6. Refocus your view, "stay on your own page" instead of criticizing, change your focus back to your own goals It's funny that by relinquishing control I will at the same time be taking responsibility for my experience, my point of attraction.

@DrewNows It's the strangest thing that they get them from their mother, even if she is free of worms. I never got a satisfactory answer as to how that works.

@DrewNows Honestly, germ theory is ANOTHER assumption I hadn't even considered until now to really look at and reexamine. It seriously feels like this past year since waking up never happened. I guess it never did.

It all just boils down to wanting be be loved and not letting it in in our belief that love is separate from us, and then separations are born like infinite fractals. It's weird that a day or two ago I became conscious that the band The Kings of Leon exist. I had heard their music but never paid attention to who made it. I seem to have tapped into art therapy which is a subject I've never researched, using colors and symbols and using intuition and synchronicity to see the connections and draw up emotions. Music helps. Music has always had the ability always to make me so fucking high. https://www.loudersound.com/features/def-leppard-hysteria-album-artwork-interview-andie-airfix Feels lonely. I know I'm getting sidetracked and off the trail and need to go deal with that. "Off the trail" is funny, because when I got so depressed, and went out for a ski in the middle of the woods, I had torturous intuitions to keep going and I thought I'd find the trail to loop back and I kept going off on side trails and never getting anywhere. Eventually I had to go all the back the way I came. "You can't get there from here" Working out and paying attention to my diet caught up with me today and the critical voice came back. When you grew up with Christian sexual repression, having a materialistic, image obsessed culture to find your way in on top of that as a female was brutal. As a teenager I decided that, sex was dirty and disgusting, like the human form, like humans in general, unless they were PERFECTLY attractive, in which case they maybe transcended this.

We really torture ourselves over the need to make, depend and focus on all sort of separations and distinctions, don't we? Sometimes at the dairy my parents worked at, we would rollerblade and listen to the soundtrack for the Lion King. There was a refrigeration room that the floor got disgusting and had to be squeegeed. The floor was concrete that was perfectly solid, sealed and non porous, hard as rock and slippery. I decided to take off my socks and shoes and skate around barefoot one day. I guess that back in those days, companies weren't afraid of getting sued, or didn't know we were there, this was so irresponsible on so many levels. But anyway, I immediately fell and hit the back of head, HARD. I wasn't supposed to be there. They never took me to the doctor. I passed out, woke up when we got home just to throw up and went to sleep. I've always wondered if the reason why my brain just spaces out sometimes is because of that. I've never intellectually been as smart as my sister. Once I was in the car with Mom and it was raining. I was kinda zoned out. I made the comment "That's so weird how the rain on the tires makes a sound when the cars go by." "AMANDA, that sounds like something someone HIGH on pot would say!" I became aware that I should be ashamed of this state of no mind and perception. Sex/high/drugs/passion, it's all the realm of the devil. Rock and roll and the runner's high were allowed and definitely in my tool box though.

Being a missionary to Africa was the alternate in my head to my living a normal life. There were major fears in my way of this. Namely my germaphobia and fear of worms and parasites. During that same preteen phase, I washed my hands raw and started obsessive hand washing. It only lasted a winter and never got severe. I never got over my fear of germs, intelligence seemed to say that they were a very real threat. This actually got worse as an adult, the more I read and learned. My first pregnancy made it really severe. I stopped eating fresh fruits and vegetables and obsessed over everything because I was afraid of listeria. The Katz Deli with the deli meat (listeria concern) were the two fears of crowds and germs combined and it became so much thinking and stress that I had an actual panic attack. The more I thought about it, the more is seemed like there was no possible way to protect oneself from germs. Deer mice got in my studio when I was pregnant and it seemed like the online precautions were literally impossible. Who was to say what standards of clean or "safe" were enough? At the end of my pregnancy, I went out with friends. One bought some fresh mango from the store and offered me some. I wouldn't touch anything like that, I was so obsessive so I said no. She got a bout of horrible food poisoning from the mango. How was there any possibility of living in a world in peace when my environment was CONFIRMING my worst fears. How could this be, that other people lived lives without thought of these things and also seemed to get along fine? I caused an ear infection after I got my ears pierced by over sanitizing my ears with alcohol, and unknowingly never letting them heal. I got them pierced when I was 17, and dating Jon, but he didn't want me to do it. When I found out that he was looking at "websites" online, I decided "fuck him", I would get my ears pierced. I passed out in the middle of the store. He bought me a pair of diamond earrings and a diamond engagement ring. I never wanted to wear them after watching the move "Blood Diamond". I started wearing the earrings a lot recently, but just this past week I lost them and can't find them anywhere. My sister went through a dramatic teenie bop phase. I made fun of her for it, but closely watched. She got magazines every week and covered her room with posters of all the boys from Backstreet Boy and N'Sync. Her absolute favorite was Leonardo DiCaprio. This was the one I could agree with her about. We watched every fucking movie he was ever in. The movie Titanic came out and we all went to theater to see it, only because of my sister's obsession. I was probably too young for it. I remember the scene where Jack draws Rose nude and then all of a sudden the screen went blank and it was intermission and there was my mother sitting next to me, and it was like, "what the fuck kind of reality am I in right now?" I remember having a giant teddy bear in my bed, and also thinking about Leonardo DiCaprio in that movie and feeling like I was in a very awkward in between place in life. Later, when I was dating Jon, his mother made him a birthday cake for his 18 or 19th birthday. It was shaped like a teddy bear. I recently saw it scrolling through his old photos on facebook and it brought the memory back. I remember feeling very awkward about this cake, because I could see in her eyes that he was still a little boy, yet in mine, it was a very different story. They always called him Johnny Bear. He even took it and went by "JB" a lot. This past Christmas on a whim, I asked his mom for his old Christmas stocking because I have mine. Mine has a white teddy bear on it. She gave me a white stocking printed with bears all over it.

This is exactly where I found this video paused at last night. 4:44 on the subject of comedy and zen.

So since I was a young child I rejected my humanity, in my love for animals and God. I didn't see how ONE all the separations I was making were. I loved all animals, except for one. Monkeys. They scared me, they disgusted me. Of course. I have a cousin who is very sexually explicit and open. I'd always hated her. She adores monkeys. She stole from my Grandmother and I especially couldn't forgive her after that. At the funeral last winter she cried more than anyone there. She had needed my Grandmother's non judging unconditional open love more than any of us. How fucked up my compassion was for her in my judgement. I recently saw a clip of Robin Williams with Koko the gorilla who just died. It made me consider a lot of subjects at once. Last night I became very aware of how afraid of being vulnerable I am in interactions with my husband. I'm just starting to untangle all the thought patterns around him. I was aware of lowering my voice when saying certain things. As I was aware what kept coming up was humor, my deflecting to humor, lots of self deprecating humor, over and over again. In high school I had one friend who wasn't very intelligent in the traditional sense, but could sometimes make connections none of us saw. She hurt me quite a bit and hurt my reputation and standing with teachers. Once I got a zero on a test because she copied me and the teacher assumed I had let her when really, I was oblivious. Another time she referred to our English teacher as a whale and said "THERE SHE BLOWS" when she walked past. She had no filter, no common sense. But I NEEDED her. She was hilarious, hysterical. She relived the intense tension I felt by attending high school, the hardest time of my life. She went through a really rough time when I started dating my husband the last year of high school. They never liked each other.