mandyjw

I've been wondering about this too. Maybe it's more about how the visualization feels, and becoming aware of or sensitive to that feeling. Is a visualization a thought or a feeling? Do colors have feelings attached? Yes. Do images? Does art make us feel? If we give it our attention and open to the feeling. What was a work of art before it was manifested? What is it after it's manifested? Has it changed?

God is the one who is troubleshooting and it's not a problem to be fixed but a discovery to be made, an adventure to go on. If you are one and timeless, your "play" will be a journey of becoming. Focus less on the suffering and dream more about what you want to become. Nahm's dreamboard thread is a great place to start for that. Leo talks a lot about having a vision for yourself, this includes a huge overarching inspired vision down to little intentions for the day, month, year and intentions for how you want to feel.

@Meta-Man That's an amazing quote. I'd say Trump is secretly self deprecating in his head. He is attempting to prove himself to the world because it's easier to prove himself the the entire world than it is to his inner voice.

God is the whole spectrum from arrogant to self deprecating, and those who seem arrogant are secretly self deprecating and those who are self deprecating are secretly arrogant.

Last night I dreamed that I was in my friend's house, and it was sort of like we were kids living with our parents. She asked or intuited that I really wanted to see a puppy or a dog (first symbolic clue) in her room (more on rooms in a house theme) and when I saw her room it was enormous and empty. I realized that the dreaming of someone else living in a mansion that was too big to be furnished or useful to them was another dream theme I've been having. I'm not sure if it points to her potential, or my potential or our underutilized potential. I do know that intentions are something I'm not doing. I want to create this spaciousness, but I'm still shy or lazy about making intentions. What's the reason behind this? Lack of self love. Jesus' "Don't call me good." does not just mean morally good. it means any kind of good, successful or otherwise. That's why I find the Tao Te Ching so soothing. But it doesn't mean not to strive. Can I make bold intentions, without identifying with the result, without feeling the self sabotaging responsibility of it. A goal is implies a new standard to hold oneself to. And intention without in-tension. Side note, I have become obsessed with tea lately, mostly herbal teas that aren't caffeinated and yesterday I had an intuition to buy tension tamer tea which has eleuthero, which is like ginseng but not. Interested to see how it affects me. I planted ginseng once but I don't think it ever grew. I was trying to help my parents with their money problems and she had thought about planting ginseng. Then I had this dream when I was going through the woods and came upon this random sunny spot that was a field of something planted. The feeling behind the discovery in the dream really gripped me. I thought I was meant to take action on it so I bought some seeds and we planted them. And I've been remembering it, feeling silly for going through that trouble for something that never grew. I mean, there's a small chance they did, because we planted them all throughout the woods, but it was too late in the year. Yesterday I didn't get to read at all which I was sad about. The grocery shopping for two weeks in a pandemic was a huge opportunity to be harsh on myself. I got home and realized that I didn't have anything for the kids for Easter, nor did I plan for Easter. I expect my planning to be flawless, and there's fear as the motivation. It's not that I'm afraid of being without something so much as the self judgmental thoughts about being without it. I've been doing a lot of yard work recently. A couple years ago I had what I thought was blackberries grow in part of my yard but it wasn't. It turned out to be a type of invasive rose bush but so beautiful. It started spreading everywhere. The birds drop the seeds and spread them. They are a nightmare to get rid of. They grow so fast, and the thorns are awful so you can only carry away a few shoots at a time. Yesterday it struck me that these must be metaphorical... attracted into my experience for a reason. I thought they were beautiful at first, thought they would bear fruit. Then I realized that they were taking over all the other things that had been intentionally planted and cared for. I can't get at the roots of the invasive rose bushes in my yard, that grow back so fast, which requires constant painful labor to manage but can I get at the root of my self judgmental thoughts? At the time I made this video this had come forefront into my awareness in an amazing way. The entire journey can be summed up in living up to the meaning of my name, "worthy of love." When it's seen that the love is only one's own, and owned by no one, that task seems both an impossible challenge and already accomplished. How do you get at the roots? By digging through the dirt.

"I DREAMED my animals had wings!" -My daughter holding her stuffed husky dog first thing after waking up. Biggest disappointment ever just struck me, or rather my sneakery snuck around and got me again, or rather I'm slowly becoming conscious that... enlightenment does not = not being an asshole.

@tsuki Really glad to hear it. The new job sounds like it was a much needed breath of fresh air. We're under lock down orders, I permanently lost my daycare spot (she starts school in the fall anyway though) and am homeschooling my son, but being in a rural area is a big plus. I went two weeks without grocery shopping, which I'm used to because in the winter we often get bad enough weather and it's far enough to travel that I choose to do that anyway. Went this morning and it wasn't bad at all. One store was counting customers and prepared for lines but I made it in without waiting and the other wasn't even doing it. My concern is that the population here is old and the hospitals under served, but hopefully the lock downs came in time.

@tsuki Hope you are well. How are things with the pandemic there? My daughter found her pink stuffed poodle and demanded that I find the leash that came with her. I did, and she demanded that I put the leash on her, which I also did. Now she is playing with her and the leash is not a leash to my daughter but is how her dog manages to have the magical power to fly. The bell is calling. Our feet kiss the Earth. Our eyes embrace the Sky. We walk in mindfulness. Ten thousand lives can be seen in a single instant. This is still Springtime, when everything is manifesting itself so rapidly. The snow is green. And the sunshine is falling like the rain. -Thich Nhat Hanh Saw this poem on facebook this morning and it fits into the metaphor that came to me while running yesterday, then again at night. Yesterday during meditation I had a couple intentions come to me for the day, one was the read a Berenstein Bear book to my kids and the other to go for a run in a specific place. On the run I felt the big realization that the book helped me realize, was that I had been open to and become conscious of an effect of no time, and no death, which is that your ancestor's deepest wisdom and love is in you, in your bones so to speak and stays in their bones. The effect the cemetery had on me, the connection with my Grandmother the night she died and then discovering that my great grandmother was buried feet from Dr.P and the feelings I got from certain parts of town like this kind of energy and love was leftover there, inviting me, counseling me, all came together and made sense. I saw a sign in an old building last year. It's gone now but it said "Peace One With Another". It's a pointer, a step to take, yet simultaneously, a truth that exists no matter what. Edit: I just realized as I looked at my post the start of the poem, that a bell rang at a strange time while I was running yesterday. I asked myself, as I looked at the beautiful things I hadn't been conscious of before last year, the spruce trees, the moon in the daylight, "Have I really ever SEEN before? Did I really ever see? And then the bell rang, and I thought "Have I ever really heard?"

@SoonHei What are you talking about? Nahm is the most terrifying person here.

"In this stage of initiation, a woman is harassed by the petty demands of her psyche which exhort her to comply with the whatever anyone wishes. Compliance causes a shocking realization that must be registered by all women. That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what other's want causes us to be exiled from ourselves. It is a tormenting tension and it must be borne, but the choice is clear. " -Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype

@Zigzag Idiot I think he got triggered by my saying that I was initially triggered by Leo's emphasis on pick up in his first videos. @Raptorsin7 I think that I'm attracting them into my experience to show me something or help me work through something. They make me feel a fear and uncertainty, and become aware of a lack of self love that proceeded the comments themselves. My husband told me in the past that the internet is worse to women youtubers. My husband is a feminist more than I am. Sometimes I think feminism can limit individual women worse than what they speak out against. Last night I dreamed that a man got into an accident on his bike and the frame was destroyed. The man was really angry and upset but unhurt. I was with my father who was helping him. My dad pulled off the tires off the rims, chains and some other parts and I asked him why. He said that they were valuable. Then I was supposed to take them and walk for miles with them, for some reason, in service of who I didn't know but I assumed it was for the man who got in the accident. I recently saw this quote on a box of tea, "Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. -H. G. Wells" I saw a kid go by on a bike yesterday and thought about how I don't see even kids on bikes very often. Yesterday I was trying too hard to figure out if I should be more confident and assertive, missing the point entirely that the flexibility and strength I want in my life is outside of thought or identification or self image. It's a stupid cliche analogy I suppose, that steel must both be strong and also flexible to build a skyscraper, and like a bike or a car it depends on having parts that give and move and are soft, and the strong frame of the vehicle to function. Sitting during meditation, I realized that's how the body is designed, and that's how perfect posture is supposed to be.

“Beware the stories you read or tell; subtly, at night, beneath the waters of consciousness, they are altering your world.” — Ben Okri

How can I love when there's no other, no one to focus it on? How can I love myself when there's no self? Maybe there's no doer, no lover, no loved, maybe its all in the place in between where there is and isn't, the middle of the riddle. (I don't feel sure about this.) My son just insisted I watch him play his video game. The title was Troll Busters: Stranger Things stranger, stranger. Getting to the green door was the objective of each course.

When we bought this house, I found out a lot about the family who lived here. At the end it was an old matriarch, who everyone loved and respected, who planted all the beautiful roses, flowers and red tulips I still enjoy. Her favorite color was red and she LOVED flowers. I heard lots of rumors about her sons. One was notorious. One worse than. One was charged with a heinous crime against an old woman, another suspected of a heinous crime on a young woman, but that mystery was never solved and there were multiple suspects in the local gossip. It was a long standing unsolved mystery, murdered young woman's naked body found in a river after a drunken party on the lake. "The dark man dream tells a woman what predicament she is facing. The dream tells about a cruel attitude toward herself as personified by the thug in the dream. Like Bluebeard's wife, if the woman can consciously gain hold of the "key" question about this matter and answer it honestly, she can be set free. Then the muggers, lurkers, and predators of the psyche will exert much less pressure on her. They will fall away to a distant layer of the unconscious. There she can deal with them conscientiously instead of in crisis."

The author talks about the symbolism of doors, veiling something from us. There's a long running joke between my sister and me. My aunt and uncle owned a greenhouse or plant nursery and I worked there a lot before I was even legally able to. In the spring, we had to move hundreds of boxes of pansies from one greenhouse to another. It was always our job and it was exhausting and repetitive. In order to keep the heat from escaping we had to open and close the doors behind us, with all these fragile plants stacked across our arms carefully balancing the trays. I would nudge the door shut, and push it open with my foot. On one run, our arms loaded with plants, I was in front and the door wouldn't nudge open with my foot. "Just kick it." She said from behind me waiting to go through the door with me. I kicked it really hard and it didn't budge, it just shuddered and we realized it had probably latched. "Oh." I said quietly, knowingly. Something about being exhausted and that exchange made us go into hysterical laughter. We never forgot the incident. She even drew me a cartoon strip of it years later. I don't think I ever understood why exactly it was so funny. Pansies are one of the earliest flowering plants, blooming right alongside the spring bulbs. The name pansy is from the French word pensie, meaning thought or remembrance. The pansy is a delicate looking flower often with a "face". Strangely enough, the last project I have ready to list for my business is a pansy flower one. My best friend's favorite flower.

I have a troll on youtube with the profile picture of a lion. Making comments that awakening is for men not women, that he sees alterior motives in my eyes, that I'm a fraud. He's not wrong. There was another less aggressive one, with the profile picture of the pyramid eye of providence on the dollar bill, but tilted slightly to the side.

In the bluebeard story, the youngest sister marries him and he leaves and gives her the keys to the castle but tells her she can look in all rooms but one. She calls her sister over and they look in all the rooms. This strikes me as the same story as the garden of Eden, you can eat from all the trees, but one. The author basically says that the desire to look is Good. Once my parents took us to the beach. My sister and I were older, her a young teen. We walked and walked and walked. We came to a large wooden box on the beach and written across it were the words, "Do not open". I was more inclined to follow directions but she opened it, and inside we were horrified to find that it was full of blood worms, huge dark crawling red worm/centipede over every inch of the dark wood crate. We didn't know that they even existed until then. They were used for bait by fishermen.

"The cellar, dungeon and cave symbols are all related to one another. They are ancient initiatory environs; places to or through which a woman descends to the murdered one(s), breaks taboos to find the truth, and through wit and/or travail triumphs by banishing, transforming, or exterminating the assassin of the psyche. The bluebeard tale lays out the work for us with clear instructions,; track the bodies, follow instincts, see what you see, call up psychic muscle, dismantle to destructive energy. If a woman does not look into these issues of her own deadness and murder, she remains obedient to the dictates of the predator. Once she opens to room of the psyche that shows how dead, how slaughtered she is, she sees how various parts of her feminine nature and instinctual psyche have been killed off and died a lowly death behind a facade of wealth. Now that she sees this, now that she registered how captured she is and how much psychic life is at stake, now she can assert herself in an even more powerful manner. " - Clarissa Pinkola Estes My house as a metaphor, and the dreams about it, are all coming together as are many other things.

nowhere now here I didn't see this one, my son was watching me type nowhere and laughed and said "Now here!" Last night I dreamed that there was all kinds of work being done in the basement of my house, which in the dream was much larger and more involved than the actual basement. My dad was there, there were plumbers and carpenters and each treated me like I had some important project that I really wanted done and was going to be expensive but I didn't see the purpose of what they were trying to do at all as necessary. Yet I gave them the authority they assumed and didn't question it. At one point I was talking with my father and I yelled "Jesus!" which recently I have been using in place of the F word. And they reacted like I shouldn't have done that. Then the urgency of the project was suddenly dropped and they all played video games and the video games merged with real life in the dream. I woke up and was analyzing this dream, how it's not the fault of men or any man that I give away my authority and depend on them for feeling safe. I went down to meditate sat down and remembered that I forgot the reclined pigeon stretch that I've had really good results doing before I meditate so I can sit without shifting position. And while I was doing it I remembered the other part of the dream which first came back in the memory of an old woman. Yesterday reading Women Who Run With Wolves definitely made the ground fertile for this dream. I was walking with my mother and this familiar old woman passed by. There have been many moments in my life when I've been at an event and (almost always an older woman) came by who knew me and started talking to me but I couldn't place her or remember her name. Because our community is so small and so tightly knit, yet my parents were well known yet retreated from people the community as much as they could, it set me up for this sort of thing all the time. The feeling of panic and feeling like a jerk came up. In the dream the woman who's face I recognized targeted me. And instead of being forgiving and sensitive about it like the women in real life have been, she shamelessly and boldly challenged me to remember her name. "Have you forgotten me?" My mom was curious about it too as if she were looking for me to know, so i figured she must be from in inlaw's family. Eventually whether I got or she told me, I remembered her name was Vesta. Stretching this morning that all came back to me. Vesta? I've never heard that name. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vesta_(mythology)

I've thought about reading Women Who Run with the Wolves for a while now. It came up lately, I bought my daughter sidewalk chalk, and was playing with her and grabbed the gray color and it colored PINK. So I looked at the color name and it said "timberwolf". And it colored pink for a while and then turned gray. And I was and have been contemplating the color pink, and the headless woman that got posted here in the pink bikini and how I still react to the color pink. And then I thought more about the book and the wolf connection and when I looked it up, I saw that the author's middle name is Pinkola. The story about Dr.P and the wolves hit me. There is a stretch of road, lonely and so beautiful that goes through deep forest that has a legend attached to it about a female hitchhiker. I have always deeply loved the area, and been slightly scared of it, we traveled it every so often at least yearly all my life. When I read his book, he talked about being a teenager and ending up walking through this stretch of woods. At the time there were still wolves and he not realizing how long the stretch of deep forest would be, ended up spending the night there terrified encircled by wolves. When he reached a town the next day they told him that the wolves had killed people in wagons in the daytime and they were amazed that they had spared him. When I was 12 I became obsessed with Siberian Huskies and spent a year researching them, I found my first female mentor and she emailed me back and forth. Eventually I convinced my parents to let me get a dog, but I wanted a breed that would be easier to care for and ended up getting a doberman instead. My best friend and I connected over our love of dogs. She was absolutely obsessed with animals, and still is. Lots of synchronicity about wolves and dogs today. I bought the book and started it. I'm resonating with it a lot. My sister's partner posted this on facebook this morning, it's a quarantine child interview with my four year old niece. 1. What’s your name? Wes Equarity the Coyote, because I am a princess coyote 2. How old are you? 4 3. How old is Papa? 64 (He's in his 30's) 4. What’s your favorite color? Pink So far I'm amazed by the book.

Haha, good one! Pre veiler?

Yes, and the only thing that dissolves it is love, because guilt or attempting to get rid of it only assumes ownership of it. Self Love. No others, no self. The mystery of whether animals have egos is a great one because it shows how we can project all kinds of judgments on animals and they don't give a shit. Honey badger don't care. You can project an ego on a person and really buy into it without question, but when you project an ego on an animal often something goes, "hold on a minute, that can't be right..." It isn't. That's why the honeybadger narration video is so hilarious. All the problems we have with anybody we interact with are just as hilarious, we just miss the joke.

Last night I dreamed I was at some event and hadn't gone in the right entrance (cheated in a way) and was trying to make it right. It brought up a memory of being in English class and having a sub one day. She gave us our quiz, and allowed us to use our books, which we weren't supposed to do. The class sat there and happily cheated on their quiz, my best friend wouldn't and did her quiz without the book. I couldn't handle watching this. Instead of doing my own quiz I felt responsible for the entire scenario, and felt awful about it. The next day I told the teacher what had happened. I don't know or remember what she did but some of the other kids weren't happy. I always HATED rules that were unclear. I hated a lot of rules that were clear too, especially if they seemed unnecessary, or to benefit someone else at the expense of creativity and freedom. I felt like they asked for them to be broken and then create guilt itself. I have spent most of my life trying to avoid guilt and feeling unworthy. I got up today groggy and brushed my teeth. I grabbed my toothpaste and something told me to look closer. Maybe I should have picked the other toothpaste. Which toothpaste should I use? The black charcoal one or the white one? Then I saw it was about contrast, and the awakening insight I am the Devil seemed quite clear, and hazy dreams and toothpaste options had served as a refresher course. Lately it amazes me how I sought the truth in thought, thinking there was a right and a wrong, smart and foolish, needing to be on the right side and therefore always doubting and fearful. During meditation the sensation in my stomach kept pulling me to it, and it felt good but not entirely, more like getting an invitation to a party than the party itself. I imagined it to feel good, anticipated it to feel good, as if there was a story behind it. I realized and felt that feeling fully, self love, feeling the energy field of my body, presence where all those things come together was the desire behind all my suffering. THIS, THIS is what I always really wanted. I created others and rules themselves to disallow myself from what was always mine, thinking that other's love was the key to my own love, feeling but not knowing that I'd given the love away in the assumption. I cut myself off from that feeling in my stomach, from that deep knowing, thinking it was in the service of others. I canceled my daughter's checkup, which was unfortunately scheduled for next week. I thought it would be traumatic for her to be locked at home, banned from daycare and seeing grandparents and friends and then having one outing to go get her 4 year old series of shots, let alone the risk of us picking up the virus there. They said they are separating patients but I know that it's bullshit that it isn't risky. I also realize how much scheduling trouble they are going to be having. My kids have gotten sick at least 2 or 3 times just from visiting the office. I canceled and felt awful, and asked my husband why. He had a good explanation, but the main thing I got was that I don't need to explain myself, just ask for what I want. I explain myself because I want forgiveness, I look to other people to say "you're ok". Care killed the cat. I seek connection. I seek forgiveness. I seek connection through words and thought where it can't be found. I seek forgiveness for something I never did. I seek approval and praise for something I never did and never will do.

Animals mirror us, there's not an ego in anything really, but a thought of one.