mandyjw

Nisargadatta Maharaj, I love you. I passionately, deeply, deeply love you. I didn't expect it, and I know that's taboo and wildly inappropriate, but I won't tell anyone if you won't. It'll be our little secret, since neither of us really exist, I don't see a problem. You're name rang through my head like a bell until I started to read I Am That. You didn't even mean for it to be read like that. We weren't supposed to find each other like this, it's not even destiny, it's way more wild than even that. I wonder if I should be concerned at how easy it is for me to love dead men over the living ones. Nisargadatta is definitely not my first. There was Jesus, and C.S.Lewis, Dr.P. I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with my extra expectations of how living men should act and behave. I am the most deeply, romantic person I know in my imagination, but in real life I am a cold-hearted, purely practical bitch. I don't believe in romance at all. It's hard to go on with life when you know what you know and green beans just... don't. I'm so glad I'm beyond projecting feelings on people and things. I have a feeling that I've revealed too much here. WHO gives a damn? No one. Is that a projection? Yes. I can't watch movies. They are too well made, they make me passionately feel and want things. It's just awful. I can't play board games. I get so wrapped up them, it's just awful. I start to hate the people I'm playing with, might throw the cards across the room, who knows. Whoever thought I was compatible for life on earth made a mistake. It's not even a mistake. It's way more wild than even that.

@DrewNows Thanks, that's a good one. I'm not sure why sunlight literally shining on things and really looking at them makes it obvious that I'm imagining my own drama. It's a ridiculous story that "I'm" eating green beans out of a bowl. What's happening is much more infinitely complicated simplicity than that, that it's not happening. Whatever green beans. You win. I'll play along with your evil games. I'll keep the charade going, just for you. I know how much it matters to them, I wouldn't want to freak them out or anything. M: Desire for the false and fear of the true. You, as the person, imagine that the Guru is interested in you as a person. Not at all. To him you are a nuisance and a hindrance to be done away with. He actually aims at your elimination as a factor in consciousness. Q: If I am eliminated, what will remain? M: Nothing will remain, all will remain. The sense of identity will remain, but no longer identification with a particular body. Being — awareness — love will shine in full splendour. Liberation is never of the person, it is always from the person.

M: Nothing compels me. I do what needs doing. But you do so many unnecessary things. It is your refusal to examine that creates karma. It is the indifference to your own suffering that perpetuates it. Q: Yes, it is true. What can put an end to this indifference? M: The urge must come from within as a wave of detachment, or compassion. I suffer because I want to. Sort of. There's no reason, it's what is meant by the term "unconsciousness". There's an impersonal contraction in the body, out of which arises the need to know, the feeling as if it knows. Then I keep telling myself the story in thought rather than going into the feeling directly. I feel as if I'm responsible for it. So, I *should* go into the feeling. No. No one cares. No one is responsible for it. I am neither detached if I go into the feeling, nor compassionate (loving) of it.

It was starting to hit me how empathetic the nature of my loneliness is. Abraham Hicks mentions that empathy above. Lazily misquoted but, "We've never seen anyone drag someone else from the dark into the light, because when you go over there your light goes out too." Sometimes I feel like I want to help people to avoid my own loneliness. If loneliness can't be owned, because it's a shared feeling, OR projected on another because it's a shared feeling, then how can a shared feeling that no one has be felt as loneliness?

"But you cannot run away from yourself. However far you go, you come back to yourself and to the need of understanding this point, which is as nothing and yet the source of everything." -Nisargadatta Maharaj Lately I've been dealing with being lonely off and on. It's interesting that there's a lot of self judgement and embarrassment around this. I feel like I should have been able to have a busier more lively life, or live somewhere different or have a different partner, be more successful, have more friends, etc. A lot of the plans I make to distract myself aren't available because of the pandemic. I can go into all kinds or reasons and stories about this. Here's one, in the past, summer was an incredible but beautifully lonely time. My parents lived very secluded lives far away from civilization or the school I attended. Summer vacation was a time completely to myself. Trees, flowers, birds and my own fantasies were my only company. I've never really felt that again so strongly until now, because as an adult I have always been able to make plans to see people and do things. Particularity I'm really interested in why I feel shame about being lonely. A lot of the things I'm driven to do and want are simply out of this alone feeling. I think a lot of conflict between people just comes out of loneliness. I feel like we're so harsh on ourselves for being lonely, it's our fault or failure. So it feels just slightly better to blame other people for doing things that don't allow us to be with them or love them how we envision things should be. What does nonduality say about being lonely? There aren't two. There's no you to be lonely, no you to want someone else. But it's happening out of wholeness. So should I be even more ashamed? Or maybe the loneliness is love itself? Love I didn't want to feel because I was too busy upholding my sense of separation? Confession, I'm lonely. My loneliness is killing me (and I) I must confess I still believe (still believe)

I've been listening to Jim Newman a lot and he says "Here" and "There" is a tension. The only way it can be resolved as if it never was. We as One are able to feel lonely, and separate so we can love more wholly I suppose. Time is a tension too, also an illusion and all those questions depend on the tension of time to have any foundation from which they are asked. The tensions are like the way Leo speaks of limitations, limitations are creation and character. That's why self love is so fundamental. All our characters have what we call flaws and faults, (we get lonely, have moles, etc) because that's all out of how we are unique and distinct. But all this arises out of wholeness and perfection. It can't be either intended or random. There's no "one" who could have intended or forced it's will on another. It's whole, so it's both random and intended or neither. The creator is creation.

@Raptorsin7 Good luck. I had a rough time off and on following awakening, I know the feeling of wanting so bad to get "back" there.

Synchronicity be cray cray but I'm still bored. I just remembered that Laura is the name of the female character in my book. My mom said she thought of calling me Laura, but decided to call me Amanda and I remembered that because I always wished she'd called me Laura instead. https://lauradoyle.org/blog/laws-of-attraction-in-relationships/ I AM a bitch! "2. Flip your complaint upside down. Under every complaint is a hidden desire. What’s yours?" I don't know how to answer that, LAURA.

We love, love, LOVE freedom, but we don't really know what it is. That's why the arrogance, MERICA, fighting for freedom BS. Freedom is Love though, so we aren't too far off. Just need some Russian dude to explain it to us.

"You see if God forced you to relinquish all your dreams and fantasies and hallucinations, that wouldn't be very loving. You have to come to God, God won't come to you. " Well then. There's so much synchronicity and hilarity it almost seems like parroting or repetition, a joke I've heard too many times. I'm almost bored.

@VeganAwake FOSHO See, I'm either saying "F Osho" or "for sure", it's up to you! See! Meaningless! All possibilities at once and none of them.

There's no sex in the absolute. Sex is the merging of duality, desire for sex is desire for duality to merge and the tension of duality to dissipate and resolve. The absolute is the resolution itself, there are no implications or possibilities left in absolute resolution, it's absolute.

Being in neutral is not a gear but it's still a position, if you're in neutral you can't be in 5th or any other gear. For example, I thought that chakras were bullshit until I had a strange experience, then I believed in them, and later that belief caused suffering. I could say that I did not believe in chakras again to prevent the suffering of overthinking but that would have been done out of self preservation. The only position left was no position. The tricky thing with calling everything meaningless is that meaningless is it's own meaning. It can be a great pointer though.

Looking for seashells on the beach is fun. Looking for lost keys when you're late for an appointment, not fun. The spiritual search feels like both of those things at times for most of us. The person who recognizes no meaning then often sneakily gives a meaning to there being "no meaning." Meaning is only possible because everything has no meaning. Calling something meaningless gives it meaning. If things are given the meaning of being meaningless, they are locked into that, excluding meaning. The possibility of meaning cannot be excluded for things to truly be meaningless.

How DARE YOU suggest that I'm still functioning as a self?! I've transcended that bullshit ages ago!!! Relationship, connection, here and there, together. to get her. All duality, tension. "The false claim is that what's happening is not what's looked for." Jim Newman "Begins with the misunderstanding that there is a real here, and that here can be known."

@Leo Gura And yet here you are? That's pretty amazing.

People translate thoughts differently, so for some intuition and insight comes as a voice in the head. Other get images, sensations, etc. The feeling that goes with it is the more important part. You can have lots of random thoughts that you've never had before that feel amazing and give you new ideas. Or you could have a lot of thoughts that doubt yourself. It's not how many thoughts there are or whether they even stay on the same subject or not that's important, it's how they feel. Rather than resting attention on thoughts and making being "thoughtless" an ideal, it's much easier and helpful to pay attention to how you feel. We cannot know how someone else experiences thoughts and more importantly how they feel, all comparison is usually a thought that implies superior or inferior. In the realm of feeling we are completely alone. Or all one rather.

I like it.

Friends have a huge role in opening your mind and heart in my experience.

The experience of here and there is a tension??? Ohh... suddenly something makes sense. "Blinding Lights" continues the story from the visual for "Heartless," which involved The Weeknd being on a psychedelic prowl after licking a frog. In that video, he lost touch with the world and found himself in increasingly strange events. By the time that "Blinding Lights" has rolled around, The Weeknd's trip has gone farther into unexplored territory." http://www.mtv.com/news/3153297/the-weeknd-blinding-lights-video/

The self seeks pleasure and fears pain, psychologically. The body does this naturally and in a healthy manner on its own. Suicide is when things get SO painful psychologically, that suicide is the only way the self can think of to seek escape from pain. It has nothing to do with enlightenment and is a tragic misunderstanding.

Esther Perel has some amazing insights about this. What we seek when we feel like we want to cheat is of course, to feel alive (God or enlightenment, really) but we seek in the wrong place because we have misunderstandings about our self and seeking what we want from others. The feeling of falling in love newly with someone is extremely close to the feeling of spiritual awakening. That deep desire if thwarted and misunderstood can kill a relationship and the desire if acted on with misunderstanding can also kill the relationship. Sometimes if both people were feeling that the relationship was dying but neither knew why or how to fix it, a mistake with forgiveness and understanding following can clear the way. Of course better to understand before living through such a misunderstanding, but we all will learn, one way or another. We use other people or all kinds of other things just to allow ourselves to fully love ourselves.

Tolle's realization came after the thought "I cannot live with myself anymore". Then a voice came in that asked "Are there two of me that I cannot live with myself?" The illusory drama of self and duality seen through.