meta_male

Bro.

Translation: I hate when people show up louder than me. Not everyone who does youtube is a narcissist, some just aren’t cowards.

Writing my thoughts down helps me seeing the bigger picture later. I'm still run by panic when silence hits, even brief moments. My mind spirals. And yet, I don't panic in situations that should literally wreck me. No idea why, but anyways... Challenge 1: Deal with laying the bike down again after a crash only a few days ago. Instinct: Stand up. Kill switch. Lift 200 kg. Assess damage. Ride on. Mind: Nice sunset. Body: Feels good. Got laid (technically). Challenge 2: Go half a day without female validation. Instinct: Freeze. Victim mode online. Mind: What in the fuck just happened? Abort mission. We're gonna die. Body: Tense. Balls turning blue just by looking at them. Next challenge: Reframe the tension. From What the fuck is wrong with women? to What I want is rare and I won't settle. From She better step up or she's dead to me. to She's not it. Keep going. From Fuck it, I'm done. Probably gotta start fucking prostitutes. to Yeah, I'm horny and tired. But I won't betray my values.

This is where I’ll put my raw thoughts. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve been through a lot and it's shaped me in ways I’m still figuring out. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I've pulled this off and still joke around. This journal is where it has a place, so I don’t keep bringing it up everywhere else. I don’t know what comes next, but I’m starting here.

I'm fucking tired of holding myself back from online dating. What on earth even possessed me to go down that route? Why the fuck does it always have to be the high road for me? To wait for something "real"? To prove to myself I'm "above the game"? I could be dating and sleeping with girls, but instead I force myself to starve... and then complain about it online. Sometimes I think I’m punishing myself on purpose. I don’t even know what for. The idea of some God watching and judging is still imprinted in my brain. They don’t need chains when they’ve carved obedience into your spine.

Look at it this way: the guy acted like a scared douche, and you still showed him kindness... by not tearing him into pieces. That’s power, not weakness. It's just rare cause most people are scared little shits and yep, it's annoying as fuck.

@Applegarden8 Nah, why blame Leo? It's just reframing uncertainty. So really it's "until renewal might or might not take us apart." Not saying that marriages work great either, but this one isn't genius. @Princess Arabia Yeah. I'm starting to think spirituality and philosophy are just distractions from actually doing life. People would rather debate ‘being’ than get their hands dirty building something and making hard decisions. The mind is sneaky like that

@Sugarcoat Thank you, appreciate it!

@Applegarden8 It’s like saying you want to sign a lifelong contract but re-evaluate whether you want the lifelong contract every "x" years. How do you people even come up with such shit? 😂

Cause part of me wants intimacy, and part of me doesn’t even know why I don’t want it. Right now I just feel more drawn to focusing on my own stuff.

@Schizophonia They flirt because they like the attention, not because they actually want anything with me. And even if they do get attracted, it doesn’t feel worth escalating. It doesn’t feel grounded in anything real. But then again, I’m not even sure I want to go after another relationship. Just complaining. 😅

Went out with a group of girls on Friday. Two of them were single. Six of them wanted my attention. The more I meet women, the more I’m disgusted by them, which I find kinda hard to admit. Same empty games. Same hollow flirting. Same need to feel wanted... not that I didn't like it or am above it. I'm not sure if I'm seeing the ugly truth or I'm just having a bad day.

Refreshing to see someone who gets it. @Something Funny If you wanna go the dating app route and don't have any photos or friends who take good photos: Joby GripTight One + phone + some practise is all you need.

Real talk though: the easiest hack is to have something in your life more compelling than trying to get a girlfriend. But yeah, it sucks because you can’t control when it works.

@Something Funny Because someone has to balance out the fairytales.

Absolutely! If you close your eyes real tight and believe, she will eventually knock on the door and jump on your lap.

You want a quick fix but even the quick fix needs effort. No way around it.

@Kalki Avatar No bro, you don't understand. It feels better to blame the universe than to admit you froze or were unprepared. You're romanticizing these encounters because they let you indulge in fantasies of "what ifs" without having to risk anything. How do you know you came across the perfect woman for you just because she walked her dog and said hi? Because you didn't have to do anything. And it sounds like that's the pattern you get lost in.

Two weeks later. I finally trusted the tires enough to hit the trails that made me stall six years ago… crashed and fucked up my shoulder. Same one took another hit this time. Bent the bike in the process. Still, progress is progress. This is called Enduro for a reason. 💀 On to a rave with the girl I blew off last year. Let myself get completely lost in it, brain cooking. Now my head won’t shut up, and everything feels like it needs fixing. Time for repairs.

Now go full circle by getting yourself cleaned, ultimate meta level.

@Never_give_up I don’t have the answer. But you’re not the only one thinking this way. It’s brutal when the stuff you used to care about stops feeling like it matters and you’re just trying to survive instead of thrive. I can only give you this advice: keep moving your body, even if it’s just a walk around the block. It doesn’t make life magically worth living, but it sets you up to have a bit more peace. Be careful with that idea. Even if there is another life after this you’ll most likely end up facing the same challenges again and again until you learn how to move through them. Only chance to do so is in the here and now.

@Kalki Avatar It's not rocket science: - You were at an embassy, no phones allowed, your mom was jealous, couldn't figure out how to approach --> You were just awkward. - You had a love awakening and were "processing the immensity of that dimension" --> You were in your head having a meltdown. - You couldn't think of anything cause it was so unpredictable and your mind was flying --> That's called life. These are just everyday, mundane interactions you're putting a lot of extra meaning into and they leave you wondering what you could have done differently.

Heatwave Sunday. Service held at my own damn church. 🛠️

@eTorro This sounds like the least risky path of life imaginable. What makes you sure this isn’t just avoiding intimacy?

I just go with the flow and build connection when it feels right. But honestly I don't see casual stuff as a big deal if everyone's clear about it.