TrippyMindSubstance

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  1. I'm more saying that figuring out how to get up again and function will ultimately be a spiritual process, even if it doesn't feel like it at first. And I also think if mostly what spirituality is for you at this moment is an escape, then ironically, you won't make much spiritual progress pursuing spirituality intensely at this stage in your life. Now there is nuance to it, I don't think you should give it up for good necessarily, but I think your primary focus needs to be "getting your shit together" whatever that means for you, rather than taking the approach that it feels like you're taking which seems to be "I don't know how to get my shit together and I don't know if I can, so I will just pursue spirituality and enlightenment so I don't have to deal with all that". There is clearly lots for you to work on in terms of getting back up on your feet and being properly functional again. I don't know what caused the burn out for you, but you need to learn how to fix that. Maybe you just need to learn to rest properly, maybe you got burnt out because you were working so hard towards something you didn't actually care that much about, and you need to spend this time finding a more appropriate life purpose. You said you've been in isolation since the pandemic started, you need to figure out how to fix that. Even if everything is locked down, you need to figure out how to connect with people more online or whatever until you can do so in person. These are things that if you have the money for, it could be very very effective to see a therapist for, at least 3 or 4 times, but probably more if possible. Don't underestimate someone like a therapist to be kind of like a guru for you. Remember, there is no difference really between a "guru", a therapist, or some random person you talk to on the street. Ultimately it's all the same One Being. When the student is ready, the teacher appears, and the "teacher" is always everywhere, trying to communicate to you through your feelings, through other people, through random ideas you get, and through online forum posts like this one. The more honest you are with yourself about your feelings and desires, and the less attached you get to how things are supposed to unfold/how enlightenment is supposed to happen, the faster you will be able to progress. Keep your mind open, and remember, whatever you have to face in this process of getting back up on your feet, is the exactly what you need to face and deal with in order to get closer to enlightenment.
  2. My assessment: The first thing I would tell you is that basically everything you wrote in your post is just your mind going crazy. So many "concepts", and it appears that you're not currently aware that this present moment is "empty" and blissful, until your mind starts adding so much "baggage" to it. What reeeally helped me with this was Leo's episode "What is actuality". If you've seen it, I would recommend re-watching it again and then going back and re-reading your post to see how much "concept and imagination" you are lost in. Secondly, and at this moment probably more importantly, is that it sounds like you are currently suffering from some depression, and are using spirituality to try and escape from it. The paradox here is that the "spirituality" in this approach will only push you further into depression, anhedonia, etc. and the most "spiritual" thing you can do is actually deal with your depression in the "real world". You state that you suffer. You state that "My life is not about beauty or pleasure or curiosity, it's mainly about escape, finding a solution to suffering and freeing myself from the burden of existence/incarnation. It's all about preventing suffering for tomorrow and truth." Without giving a "spiritual" answer, what exactly is causing your suffering? Give me a "real world" answer, for example, "I hate my job", "It's too difficult to work 8 hours a day", "I don't find joy in things even when I'm not working", "I wish I had a beautiful girlfriend", "I wish I had enough money to just meditate and pursue enlightenment freely all day, but I have to work" etc. Once you identify what these problems are, you will notice that there are obstacles to overcoming them. Overcoming those obstacles are your path to enlightenment. Enlightenment requires mastery of the mind in a sense, and it should quickly become clear that your mind is the only thing preventing you from overcoming your problems. Overcoming the next obstacle towards your next goal is your "next step towards enlightenment", not sitting around meditating, looking for an "I", looking for "eternity" etc.. That will all come in due time, but at the moment, I believe you will find the most spiritual gains and understanding about your "self" from being honest with yourself about what you actually want from life, and trying to get it. You might think that changing your external circumstances won't make you happy. But do you actually know that? Have you had everything you've wanted in life and still been in a position where all you cared about was escape and preventing the suffering of tomorrow? Or do you just feel that way because you're genuinely unhappy with where you are in life at the moment and deep down you still wish you had money or relationships or whatever, and because you can't get those, you're seeking out the alternative which is spirituality and "enlightenment". Obviously I could be wrong, but I'm curious about the answer to that.
  3. I have, but there doesn't seem to be much of a correlation between the amount of water I drink and the frequency/intensity of pain. @kag101 Thanks for the advice, I'm guessing I won't be able to get an appointment with a rheumatologist unless I try a bunch of other stuff first, so next on that list is probably physio, maybe a psychologist to help me relax more effectively as well. @BipolarGrowth @Seeker531 I will experiment more with both turning the pain into a meditation object and also doing the exact opposite to see if taking my focus away from it can be effective. Thanks guys.
  4. I have and they did lots of bloodwork, some stuff with my liver was a little messed up so they're keeping an eye on it but they didn't do much to help. I will have to try booking a physio appointment next and see if that can help. I think this is a big part of the problem, there is definitely a correlation between both mental and physical stress and my pain, however there are lots of stressors that I can't really avoid. I think I could improve on planning my day better and managing my energy more effectively though.
  5. Just an update: I usually find ted talks pretty boring, but I just found this one about chronic pain and actually found it very helpful if anyone else suffers from similar things
  6. I've been suffering from chronic headaches and neck pain for a while now. It seems to be stress and fatigue related and it's seriously impacting my quality of life. Any tips for practices I can do while in this state, or productive ways for me to experience/view this pain?
  7. I don't know. I can't point to it. Some ways in which i can try to describe it are: it is "I", it's "behind" everything, it's prior to everything, and it's elusive because if I try to find it, I find myself lost and confused, I simply can't seem to find "it". It is also intelligent because it can do these things. Yeah, in a way it was. Both of our ego minds came together to create this experience, my ego-mind wouldn't have done it without yours. It was in the sense that only my ego-mind actually "did"/experienced it. This is confusing me for me because at this particular moment, I can only see how Consciousness/Awareness can be aware of things, but I don't see how it can "do" things. I guess when I'm aware of reading this text, I become 'reading this text'. I have a bad headache so it's hard for me to really understand this at the moment, but I can see that it is related to my confusion above.
  8. @Nahm For sure. It became very clear to me the other day after watching one of your videos that I was the one creating my own frustration by adding all these self-referential, constricting thoughts to the present moment. After realizing this, I was very quickly able to consciously generate good feelings, and all the frustrations went away as I realized that everything previously was just my mind unconsciously bouncing around out of control. Once I saw this, it sort of naturally stopped and I was at peace and in control. I've put hundreds of hours into "manage your vibration" type stuff a few years ago, with pretty good success. It was a big component to curing the extreme depression I suffered from at the time, but I sort of moved away from it after I got a little lost on the path and also to allow myself to develop a bit more in other ways. At the time I didn't properly understand the significance of the present moment, I had trouble separating circumstances from feelings and I had trouble separating the teachers from the teachings. I guess my focus changed back to traditional meditation and seeking deeper general understanding, but I guess it wouldn't hurt at all to re-explore that side of spirituality now that I've spent the past few years developing my foundation.
  9. This is pretty much what makes it hard for me to balance surrender and action. I've had these awakenings where reality collapses into a singularity, everything disappears, time doesn't exist, preferences are absolutely meaningless etc. and then its like there's nothing left to do but restart the universe and separate back into a separates self. But once I'm back in separation, I have two desires that seem to be in conflict with each other: the desire to know God, Truth etc. and basically re-enter the singularity, and the ego desires like survival, pleasure etc. The pain caused by my ego desires is always what pushes me back to spirituality and re-seeking enlightenment, and then the result of enlightenment always seems to be "congratulations you've awakened, now go back into duality and play the game. Without rules there is no game, so go play within the limited rules of duality!". Maybe this back and forth process is what I need to surrender to. Maybe it's equally as okay to seek enlightenment as it is to seek normal "wordly" desires and that I need to fully give myself to whatever seems to be calling me. I can tell my mind is just getting way too chatty right now so it's definitely time to go meditate and enjoy the present moment and let all these thoughts subside for now.
  10. It's always super cool when it happens. I can also sort of remember what it looks like. I guess it's kind of like looking at your hand - even though you can see five fingers, you can simultaneously also see that it's just one hand.
  11. I don't really get the sarcasm, this response really seems to misunderstand what I was saying in my previous post. I definitely don't think life is meant to be one shit sandwich after another that we all have to just endure. I mentioned that there are certain ways in which me manipulating reality is really me trying to avoid certain fears and that I need to learn to surrender to, and that every time I try to manipulate the external world to "fix it", it just manifests in another way. I'm not saying this always happens, but around certain things it seems to be the case. A perfect example seems to be self esteem based on looks. For a lot of my life I have struggled with self esteem, and the thought was always "if it just wasn't for these one or two things that are wrong with me, I would feel amazing". And then over the years, the "one or two things" that were the problem would often change. I would fix a couple things and expect to be good, but soon enough a new problem would emerge. For example, I gain some muscle after being super skinny my whole life, then I start getting super bad acne. I take dairy out of my diet and the acne goes away, but then I start balding at a very young age. These are only a couple examples, but the pattern has basically gone on for 25 years. In this case, it seems to be clear that manipulating the external world is a dead end and Life is trying to point me is to something deeper, for example, "stop obsessing over your looks, get over the fear of people judging you all the time, start meditating etc." That being said, I'm still interested in utilizing and growing my power to create my reality in other aspects of my life, I'm just having some trouble balancing being content with life as it is and not being so needy, and also living it up and trying to get the most out of life.
  12. @Leo Gura @Nahm @LastThursday Thanks for the help guys. It seems that even though there is a time and place for surrendering and a time and place for imposing your will, it's becoming quite clear that I'm still missing a big chunk of the surrender aspect and I still have so much fear and resistance to work through. I have a deep fear that if I surrender I will get screwed over, because I need to take responsibility for my life in order to not get screwed over. Obviously this is true at some level, you can't just sit around and do nothing, but at the same time I know that this is mostly a bullshit excuse because a lot of the ways in which I refuse to surrender aren't exactly me trying to take responsibility for my life, but are more centred around me trying to avoid facing certain fears, and every time I try to manipulate reality to avoid these fears, they get re-manifested in another way.
  13. @Matthew85 Fair enough, I appreciate the input! @Leo Gura How do you navigate the balance of surrendering to God vs exerting your own (ego's) will upon reality? There were times where I've found myself on both ends of the spectrum, where I either realize that: - my will will always ultimately fail me with no option left besides total surrender to the truth/oneness/death and getting to this point of complete surrender is the purpose of life or - the truth/oneness/death is always "chasing" me, and the very act of resisting surrendering to it is the exact process that creates existence, or in other words, running from death is the driving force/energy of life. So in this scenario, resisting surrender and exerting my own will is the point of life I feel like this is all totally circular though, where even surrendering to God is a sneaky attempt at manipulating reality because if I surrender to God, I'm doing so with the belief that it's going to make me enlightened or whatever and my reality will be better because of it. But at the same time, if I exert my will upon reality, it's not really "my" will, as in I didn't choose to have these desires, I just mysteriously have them (or you could say God put them there) and me acting on them can be seen as me surrendering to the will of God.
  14. So I tried to relax and let all distinctions subside, but it didn't seem entirely possible since reality is distinctions. I know @Nahm has spoken about creating your reality before, so I checked out his youtube video about it and something definitely clicked. My entire initial post was essentially me creating frustration for myself by constantly repeating these thoughts about how I'm frustrated about the fact that I can't create my reality. I was creating that reality for myself. It's true that I'm not completely powerless because I have the power to make myself feel frustrated like that, and I also have the power to make myself feel good by thinking good feeling thoughts, and that is what I should do right now. I've had experiences where I was in lots of physical pain, and I couldn't just feel good by thinking nice thoughts, but again, all that I have right now is this present moment. That memory, as well as the thought of some future experience where I'll be in too much pain to be able to feel good just by thinking nice things is just another thought occurring in this present moment. In fact, it is a counterproductive thought that is pushing me back into that same frustration I was feeling at the beginning of this post. Right now I will focus on some nice thoughts/feelings that I like and let that make my reality more peaceful, satisfying and joyful.