Adilbek

Yes, there are no drugs. You are drugs

This happened more than a year ago on September 26, 2022. It was the most difficult experience in my life by far. I had several 2g grips, a few 1g trips, a one 3g trip before. On the previous 3g trip I drank the tea slowly. This time I drank it all within a short period of time, which was a mistake. The acceleration started shortly after. It didn't stop at a point where I felt would have been comfortable. It would just keep on going and going. I started to panic and rushed to the washroom to throw up. By the time I got there, the washroom was already resembling more of a spacious temple, the toilet a column in the middle. It was at the same time familiar but completely strange. I realized it was not my washroom at all, at least what I thought was my washroom was never it. Around this time the dose was too high for the ego to be credibly denying the fact that it did not in fact exist. The ego was still holding on to the idea of "I will just throw up and the bad trip will soon be over. I was so stupid to do a huge dose, I will never do mushrooms agian". My girlfriend who was at home with me started to worry as well, I tried to act as if all is fine, that it's just a bad trip and I need to throw up and lie down. But in fact it was the worst possible thing that could be happening, and it was just getting started. It's hard to explain this to someone who didn't experience something similar before. It was harder and harder to stay in the ego. I saw the ego suffering and struggling to stay "alive", but at the same time there was something that saw through it already. It was the denial stage, followed by anger. I tried to lay down and put on the eye mask to keep the resemblance of normality. Because if I did that, it would mean that I'm still having a bad trip and it'd soon be over. But it was not working, nothing was working. Nothing could save me. Meanwhile it was accelerating. I lay down and started to fake acceptance. Ok, I thought, if I can't fight it, let me accept it. I hoped that maybe if I do that, it would ease off. But it was still bargaining, not real acceptance. Meanwhile, it's getting more and more intense. I am still fighting for my life. But it gets so strong that hope is vanishing little by little. I am already thin, very very thin.....It's just me. It's always been just me. I am God. I am all there is, everything and everyone. I created everything. Those thoughts came later, but at that moment, it was just the obvious and banal feeling that it's just me. I keep "coming back to this" without ever leaving it. All else is a daydream. As I felt the approach of death, a realization came that death would be an experience inside me, and it would still lead me to that place where I always am. At that point the fear of death disappeared. Maybe it's the psilocybin that started to taper off or the fact that I realized that death doesn't exist, but I sat in my bed and thought that it doesn't matter how strong the mushrooms are, it can't change the fact that I'm God, so no psychelic can do anything with that simple fact. I remember when faced with death, choosing to keep my ego - I guess it was the ego deciding, but that's beyond the point . I thought, I am still giving myself a chance to play as an ego for a little more time, because THAT place will never go away anywhere. I opened my eyes and looked at the hands. It felt like I was looking through a screen. I was fully sure that I could do telekinesis. I tried to move something in the room, and was surprised that I couldn't. I checked my phone, there were some news about some fight that happened in my country. It was very hilarious to me at that point - that we choose to do this stupid shit with our time here, it's literally the stupidest and funniest shit we can do. And that I am the one doing it. I am literally responsible for everything. There is no bigger authority in this world that me. I am the ONLY authority, for better of for worse. Then I immediately texted Leo on Facebook, fully sure that he'd respond to me because at that moment I felt like only Leo can understand what I'm saying. I realized that all enlightened people are not real, they are just meat dolls that I put out there for my own entertainment, like NPCs in a game giving out quests. That NO ONE can be enlightened, because only "I" can be enlightened, whatever that means - I don't completely understand why I am feeling this way. I understood the meaning of the koan "if you meet a Buddha on the way, kill him" - because he's not Buddha, he's just a doll, because nothing can kill Buddha, only God is Buddha, and I am that. I also saw that the real truth is pure insanity. It is absolutely insane. That a crazy guy in the comment section is the actual enlightened being - because it's fucking YOU, just trolling yourself for believing all this bullshit. LOL -- edit the above was written just now. The below was the original post. Some key realizations: * I am God. I created everything. * I am alone. Utterly alone. Speaking to myself. This is excruciating and terrible. There's no one to consult with, no one to ask, no authority except myself. * There are no enlightened masters. Reality is insanity. The only enlightened masters are insane people. Enlightened masters are puppets I put for myself to entertain myself and leave breadcrumbs. * I am playing cat and mouse with myself. Forgetting and remembering. But it's all for fun, there's nothing at stake. * My ego is enormous. It is selfish and greedy. The fact that I needed a mushroom trip to see this means I wanted to feel special, regular ways of "getting to Truth" are not cool or special enough for me. All is an attempt to fill the hole inside. It's selfish and disregarding to my loved ones. It's all an attempt to add something to my collection of things that make me special, it's just greed and selfishness. It's disgusting. I remember that I said to myself "Why did you come to me again, go live your life. He won't stop until he kills himself". The ego is selfish it won't stop searching and digging until it destroys itself. But it won't find anything that isn't there already. It will just come to the same old place where I've always been. And alone, again. * I cannot die, death is inside me, I created death * As an ego I have too much to lose. I want to get back to ignorance and live my life. That's why I didn't want to --- Hey, thank you so much for reading this! As an ego I'd like to say that I still have so much to learn. As God, I just want to say hahahahahaha On a more serious note, I am still integrating this experience and I get almost like panic attacks when I recall the experience. I stopped watching satsangs, stopped meditation because all that would raise energy in my body to the point of ringing in ears and throw me back into the realization. I've been slowly integrating the experience but it has not been an easy journey. I definitely got more than I bargained for

Beautiful, thank you for sharing

I had the same feeling when on mushrooms that I can move things if I want to. Tried to move a bottle but couldn’t. But I was sure that it’s possible since I am God

Leo, why am I afraid of knowing that I am God and actively trying to avoid remembering that? My guess is that knowing that I am God means I can’t bullshit myself anymore and I enjoy being ignorant. Also knowledge is lonely, knowing that I made all this up is just so lonely and sad

But it feels so bad

@RendHeaven Thank for your reply. This is a beautiful statement you have there

It is my fourth overall trip. The first was 0.8g, two others were 2g, and this one a 3g. I was afraid of doing it. Finally I convinced myself to do it. I brewed the tea but was reluctant to start. Then I took two sips, and about 20-30 minutes after, sipped another 1g worth volume-wise. Started my Johns Hopkins playlist. And then I was there, almost accepted the fact that I will not finish the whole 3 grams. After all, 3 grams is something serious, different altogether, it means I take this thing seriously and want to go deep. And then a thought came: "Are you going to do things halfway all your life?". And then my hand lifted the cup and emptied it. A sense of triumph - I drank the cup to the end, and I don't give a fuck what happens now. I did the whole 3 grams, I am not fucking around anymore. I paid the price, and now let God take care of me". Meanwhile a realization came, with a sense of sexual arousal, that I want to become a Man, fully, sexually. That a man fucks, that's a definition of a man. So fuck I must. Then I tried to answer questions I jotted down before the trip. "What holds me back?". The answer came - whatever I think holds me back will hold me back. At this point the meanings that were forming the backbone of my understanding of the world became as important and as non-important as any other meaning out there. I think now that that's what solidifies the ego/psyche - a set of meanings that are somehow more important than other meanings, while mushrooms temporarily erases that difference. It's like a nomad's house - it's made of sticks that hold the structure together. But what makes these sticks so important and different from any other stick is that it serves the purpose, otherwise it's just as good a stick as any other, nothing special about it. And so is with meanings - I collect some and hold on to them, so I think these meanings are special, but they are only so because I made them that way. The questions I wrote down and answers: - How to return my feelings in my relationships? - I need to have sex more often, that's the whole idea of relationships - sex, otherwise it has no meaning". Sex is what holds it together. - What to do with my relationships? - *There is no right answer to that question.* That's the scariest part of all, that I am the Creator. Not God or anything, just the creator of meaning. I decide what meaning something has or doesn't have. Out of the multitude, I pick one and assign it. Nothing is written in stone. And if it is, it will still be according to someone. Another realization came. I noticed that everything is true, and everything is happening at once. That all interpretations of realities exist together and it's impossible to say "how something is". It will be an interpretation. Because it is "many ways at the same time". On the one hand I drugged myself laying on the bed, and just having a trip. And after the trip I will tell "the story of how the trip was". But on the other hand, it's just one set of meanings out of many that could be picked and prioritized, but there's no any specific reason why I'd pick that set of interpretations and not another. There is space for everything all at once, and there's no contradiction whatsoever. Because I was at the same time absolutely sober and could live my life normally even at that state if I wanted to, but at the same time I was tripping and intoxicated. But the sober reality is somehow embedded absolutely seamlessly into the "trip" reality. It's like embedding a youtube video inside a web page or app. Just because the video is embedded, it has no bearing on the content of the video - the characters in the video don't care or know that they are somehow embedded in something, the video doesn't care, it's still the same regardless. But now the context of the video is different, but it can only be seen from the perspective of the looker of the webpage. I looked at my hands, twisting my wrist looked like it was a grapevine or some kind of tree. It was bizarre. I then looked at my arms, these sticks attached to me. The feet and the nails on the ends of them, like an animal's. I felt like my body is an animal's body, with animal instincts and all. Like a cat that is just being a cat, with paws and needs of its own, just trying to satisfy its desires in the world. I looked through the eyes as if I'm in a cockpit of an underwater explorer like James Cameron. I was jotting things down on the paper and a moment came when I - or rather the body-mind - started crying and weeping in absolute love and pity of myself. It was seen why they say - life is suffering. I was suffering. This shit, doing this shit, whatever I was doing all this time - is a fucking grind, it is suffering. If you think about it, why would it be suffering? Why is life suffering - it's such a random thing to say. Life can be joy, sadness and everything in between, sure suffering is part of it, but "life is suffering" always sounded a bit over dramatic to me. But in that moment I saw that I was hurting, unhappy, and suffering. That I despise myself from the bottom of my heart, that I don't want myself to be happy or fulfilled, that I am scared of happiness. That I live life in a half-ass way, not for real, but at the same time, all this time, life was living me for real. That I live a lie, not in truth. Then a thought emerged. I will die. I will really really die. I'm not a bad guy, there's a lot of goodness in me, but I will still die. It just became clear for a moment. I noticed a feeling that I am not worth to be happy. And that's the first lense through which all else is seen. Not worth to be the leader, the first in line. Maybe fourth or at least second, but first - no. There is a kind of dismissal of myself happening. Then at the corner of my soul, curled up was this feeling that "it's not it", not what I'm looking for, I need something else. Weeping still, a howling cry came out of my chest. It's the weary traveler, a little child tired of all this burden, finally allowed to drop the heavy backpack. I went to the washroom, and stopped at the mirror, staring myself in the eye. I was not scared. I closed the door and said - hey whatever demons or whoever else is there, come out here, I'm not scared, let's hang out, why do I need to be scared of you? I want to meet you. And I gave myself high-fives, and started wiping the mirror with a cleanex. And I did whatever else, just having fun. And I remember just asking - who is this creature or thing and why am I it? I stood up and walked many times, weeping. But those were good tears, I felt it, as if something pouring out of me. As my playlist was ending, there are some songs with vocals at the end. And I decided that I want to die with a song in my throat, singing Life when it comes the time for me to leave the stage. Check out Mercedes Sosa - Gracias A La Vida. A song will be my prayer and gift Leaving this unedited as not to tarnish this tale with the rational of what it "should" be.

Thanks, great advice

I watched an NDE account where the person who had an out-of-body experience saw what he described as creatures or parasites on people's bodies. His observation was that the sick people had larger parasites. They would latch on spots where defence was weak and drain energy. Is this a known phenomenon? How to check whether one has it?

I have it too...

Which one is true? Leo says "I am God", but nonduality teachers like Tony Parsons say there isn't anyone at all, there's only THIS, which is not observed by anyone.

You're right...

Hi! I am an international student doing an MSc in resource economics in Canada. Because I depend on the department for funding, I need to work as a research assistant. The project I was assigned to is about improving the beef industry using genomic information. I don't like the thesis because the rationale of the project is how to make the beef industry more efficient. I hate it because I know about the harms of the beef industry, and I am turning towards a plant-based diet myself. It's hard to motivate myself to work on this topic, so I have issues with procrastination. I have this moral dilemma. Should I drop the project and ask the department for something else? If I do, I won't necessarily find a new project because other profs may not like what I did. Also, some new incoming students will compete for those projects as well. Another option is to leave the department and apply for something else, but I don't know who will take me with this background. The ultimate downside is that I will have to leave Canada. This program is a good foothold in North America for me. Resource economics wasn't ever my heart's desire, it was a way to escape from my country. They pay for the program and I have some money left for living. The good news is I am debt-free. I am still looking for my Life Purpose. I study Data Science stuff on the side and also am checking out the local business incubator. What would be the right thing to do in your opinion?