kag101

REFLECTIONS ON MY RELAPSE As I mentioned in the previous post, I had a relapse in my depression. It was fucking scary. I hadn't felt that way since last year. It's hell on Earth. No worldly problem can be compared with it. You just feel... hollow... and hopeless. It's as if I am the worst person in the world. All the vitality and joy were simply gone... Fortunately, I identified the possible cause: lack of good sleep. I had stopped taking quetiapine (sleep-inducing med). But after that episode, I told my psychiatrist that I'll be using this med for longer. I don't fucking care. In a way, this episode put some of my worries into perspective. I could clearly see how fucking stupid my "worldly" problems are. Again, nothing can be compared with mental illness. For example, my cat has died recently. It was really sad, and I'm still processing what happened. Yet, I want to feel the sadness and grief. It's a sign that I am alive. Now with depression... bleh... it's just nothingness. And the weirdest thing is that for a long time in my life I had gotten used to feeling that way, and I believed it was part of my personality or something. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Depression is an illness. And unfortunately, many people still doubt that it is actually a thing. I can speak from personal experience. It is like the difference between having the flu vs. not having the flu. The contrast is crystal-clear. But anyway, that episode lasted for 3 days. I'm glad that I have identified the trigger. (Apart from that, I am reading the book 21 Lesson for the 21st Century. Damn... it's blowing my mind, lol.)

Pick-up only made matters worse for me. This idea of being "alpha" is pretty outdated IMO. Here's my two cents, though: start with girls who are not that attractive.

What did you like about it?

.

You can do both things. Don’t place all your eggs on the same basket. That’s good. Lots of loving people take care of everybody but themselves. That’s cute I see. Just be careful to not fall into the trap of thinking that you don’t need anybody else, like friendships. Watch Leo’s vídeo on self-love. I really like the exercise he gives on that video. HAHA... that was funny. I think she might be a fun person to be around for a while. To live with her is a different story. I have a friend who is similar to her. I love hanging out with this friend... once a week, lol. Seeing her more often than that would drive me nuts. I use it without expectations. As I mentioned before, I’ve met very interesting ppl there. You just have to separate the wheat from the chaff. But anyway, maybe it’s a good idea for you to take a break from relationships/sex/romance for a while. Interesting. Where will it be? What are you going to do there?

? I hate dealing with people like that. I figured it lol I have been using Tinder for about a year now. I've met some very interesting people there. That said, 95% is garbage. So I use my intuition to guess if the person is worth it. It takes some patience. I also made some good friends there. I put on my bio "I'm not looking for anything specific, friendship comes first". I can't stand flirting or being sexual right away. I am interested in building first of all an emotional bond with the person. Then, romantic desire naturally arises. Anyway, it is a tool. In my experience, it has been helping me, and I'm really grateful for it. And it's particularly useful during quarantine. Yeah... that sucks. Stop. You express yourself very well, and I find very interesting to read. Click on your username on the top right (next to the notification and messages buttons) > Account settings > Signature

I think it's important to grieve, but it is just as important to know when to stop. Did you end up seeing him? From your description, it sounds like a bad type of distraction, and something that has no future. I think you would find much more interesting guys if you'd use Tinder. There's a lot of junk there, but if you are patient, there are some "golden nuggets". Just be aware of not trying to fix emotional problems with sex. Maybe your ex was gay. Lol.

Self-love does not mean you have to be 100% self-sufficient -- as if that was possible. Like it or not, we're social creatures. In Buddhism, one of the three jewels of the Buddha is the sangha (community). How long have you been talking with this guy? In your case, I'd say it would be to, for example, meet with a lot of guys just so that you don't have to handle with the grief of a break-up.

Yes, I feel like she's highly delusional, and some of her advice is not only unhelpful but also dangerous.

DEPRESSIVE EPISODE -- VISITING HELL ONCE AGAIN It was scary. I hadn't had a depressive day for over 6 months. I sorta have PTSD from my days with depression. I am aversed to that shit. Depression has taught me a lot, but I want it out of my life. I have learned enough. It's not worth it. That said, one insight that I got from having this episode (it lasted for 3 days) is the following: My "problems" are a joke I am an overthinker. My mind is always searching for something to be worried about. Ok. Going through something like clinical depression puts things into perspective. Depression is a real problem. My worldly problems are peanuts compared to mental illness. I am still processing what happened. I have a hypothesis for what triggered it, but I also think there are psychological aspects to it as well. But I won't go into detail about that right now. I will focus on what I think that was the main trigger. I talked with my psychiatrist earlier today, and he think that it makes sense. Here's the thing: Last week, I went to sleep stimulated. I talked for 3 hours 3 days straight, right before going to bed. And I was excited while I was talking. Result: I slept a few hours and it was not restorative. After a few days of doing that, I woke up with a bad mood. Took a nap in the afternoon, and realized how tired I actually was. After that, the depression came in. BURNOUT My doctor told me that one of the most common triggers for depression is lack of sleep. So... here's my strategy: I will focus on making sure that I do relaxing things during the last 2 hours before bed. To avoid: No stimulating conversations on the phone Limit how much I text, and screen time in general Dim the lights and brightness on my phone To do: Read Yoga Journaling (light topics) Drawing Masturbation Vlog Listen to spiritual teachers that I like (particularly Jack Kornfield and Thich Nhat Hanh) I can't think of other things right now. BONUS: I have decided to take my sleeping medication for the next few days to make sure that I actually fall asleep. I will take 25mg of quetiapine between 9 PM - 10:30 PM After take it, I will be EXTRA careful in not engaging in stimulating activities. The medication takes 40-90 minutes to kick in. So, by MIDNIGHT, I will have tried to fall asleep for at least 15 minutes. If it were in other conditions, I would have tried to not use it. But now it's not the time for that. My main focus right now should be on improving my sleep hygiene. >> Btw: That does NOT mean being neurotic and perfectionist. >> Hopefully, I will sleep 8-10 hours. And I hope to wake up feeling well-rested. I will keep you guys posted. Other stuff: > I will start to write on this journal in a freer way. Without worrying too much how it looks. > I have decided to change my life purpose. My old life purpose was too complicated and metaphorical: to tame my inner gremlin through rationality, compassion, and sense of humor My new life purpose is: to have a good mental health. Simple and powerful.

His principles are very theoretical. "Hear what your higher self is telling you" "Follow the flow" hahaha... I just watched that guy for the first time. I had a good laugh at his cringeness. Lol.

Simplify your practice! Meditation should not be a complicated airy-fairy thing. I'd suggest you practice focusing on your breath.

Thank you! Unfortunately, after more than 6 months, I have been feeling depressed over the last 2 days. I feel like a zombie. It's not extremely intense, but it is present. And I just want to get rid of it as soon as possible. I think I know what might have caused it (lack of sleep). I'll make sure I sleep well the next few days, and hopefully I will feel good again.

• I am interesting in small changes that create big results. That strategic and exact change that will have a domino effect in my life. One of those changes was being on medication. I had so many preconceived notions about psychiatry. I thought it was ineffective. But the thing is, whatever field that uses the scientific method is the one that gives the best concrete results. • I was able to ween off of my sleep pills. Thank god... that was the last "dependence" I had. It wasn't a strong med, but nevertheless it's much better to be able to sleep without it. I think I will only use it as an SOS, in very specific situations. • I started reading Harry Potter The Sorcerer's Stone. Finally, lol. I remember when I was 7, some kids in my class were reading that book. It is very impressive for someone that age to read a book like that. While they were reading that, I was reading Captain Underpants, lol. • I am somewhat confident that I will successfully get back to teaching language classes. This month (May), my goal is to focus on creating interesting activities. I want to remind myself that I should do it imperfectly. I oftentimes start focus on minute details, and that's a waste of time. • I have met a guy on Tinder who is very interesting. He is very similar to someone else I used to have a crush on. It's kinda creepy, tbh. Lol... a lot of similarities. I am trying my best to have realistic expectations this time. I don't want to get all excited, without sufficient evidence that it will be something that will last. I started talking with him 4 days ago. It is very recent, but I feel a very strong connection with him. The last two days, we talked on the phone for more than 3 hours. Lol... I was telling him about my life story. He is a great listener. He is a pretty chilled guy. It's very nice to talk with him. He is not the most "beautiful" guy, but he has a natural beauty, and he has a great personality. • I have come up with a great morning routine. Its main focus is on affirmations. > I have come up with a list of "reminders" that are tailored insights to counterbalance my weaknesses, such as perfectionism. I repeat each affirmation 3x. My life purpose is included. This takes about 10-15 minutes. Then, I do some basic breathing techniques, visualize for 1 min, and stay in silence for another minute. • It's important that I be extra patient with myself. Because I suffered depression for 15 years, there are a lot of areas in my life in which I am underdeveloped. I know that I will catch up with my potential. But it takes time... • I had the difficult talk about money with my dad. I mentioned that some posts ago. I still need to have a third conversation, though, and I hope to have it done by Friday.

That's interesting! Are there any books you recommend about this topic? I've been thinking quite a bit about marketing, especially personal marketing. I'm not very good at selling myself... Cool! I'll check this video out.

A video that preferably: • You think people have forgotten about it, but that has made a big impact on your life. • Doesn't have many views. • Is not that recent.

That's good. How are your relationships? (Not necessarily romantic ones). how long has it been since this family member passed away? do you feel like the emotional pain is proportional to what happened? Or is it too much? Why do you meditate?

That's great! Ok, externally your life is going "really well", but how is it internally?

I wouldn't say "unprepared mind". There are people who should not take it because of, for example, genetics. These substances can trigger the genes that cause schizophrenia or bipolar, for example. I don't care who he is. I simply think that the points that he makes on the video are very valid. I am not focusing on the person, but on his arguments. The only cases of healthy usage that I have seen is on an organization called UDV. Using them by oneself is very dangerous. Without the guidance of someone who is truly experienced with those substances, the odds of going on a wrong track is too high.

I have a very similar experience and opinion as he does. EDIT: My intention is to simply point out that those substances are often promoted in some spiritual circles as the ultimate solution to all life's problems, especially psychological ones. But on many individuals -- myself included -- it has an opposite effect long-term. It took me years to wake up out of my addiction for tripping. I was actually indirectly trying to cure my depression and social anxiety through those substances. And the most dangerous thing is that it is so easy to rationalize excessive usage by saying: "Oh... I am working on my spirituality. I am exploring other realms of consciousness. I am dissolving my ego. I am releasing trauma, etc." I was simply deluding myself.

Let's see how long this "coming out of depression" will last. I am skeptical about the long-term benefits of psychedelics with depression. In my case, it worked like this: I'd trip. Life had color once again. Eventually, I would come back to my "depressed self". Then, I would trip again. And that became a cycle. I can't believe I read this. You know... there are other tools for healing besides psychedelics. ??‍♂️ Whoooooah... I got teared down! Omg... I won't sleep tonight. Lol. And btw, it is not a clickbait. It's the title of the video, and I myself don't plan to use psychedelics again in my life. I should've written more about my own experience, so I edited the original post.

Can you give some examples of things you do in that regards?

I just rewatched this one after a long time, and man... this is gold. This is the most important episode for me personally. Truly inspirational.

Nah... you're probably just making a fool out of yourself...

@Rilles Keep us posted =)