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About MrBlue

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  • Birthday 10/25/1996

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  1. On December 30th I had my first official psychedelic trip. About a week ago I tried smoking DMT mixed with sativa which was an amateur mistake.. I prepared my body and mind days before. I started my trip around 8pm. Before then, I made a google doc of questions and topics I wanted to contemplate on while tripping. Questions like who am I? what is my purpose in life? Why do I have issues with being emotional? Why do I have anxiety and depression? Why do I suck at relationships? etc. I cut the tab in half. I took the first half at 8pm and the second one an hour later. While I waited for the effects I was reading Presence by Rupert Spira and highlighting passages that interested me. A paragraph that really resonated with me was "experiential understanding is explored and its implications allowed to permeate our lives, it will turn out to be the greatest discovery.." It is "the key to resolving the dilemma that exists at the core of almost everybody's life: the almost constant search for peace, happiness, and love." I read up to page 80 of this book while tripping. I had seen rainbows that wrapped around people and objects. I would come in and out of consciousness or "reality." I had worn my mala beads around my wrist in case I needed to ground myself. I only used in when I had to go take a piss lol. I settled myself on a couch with a blanket and a water bottle. I was listening to Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake and reading. I saw these images of myself dancing freely on my pole back home. I remember that morning writing in my journal how I wanted to be free and authentic. I really hate to say but I watched I love lucy while tripping. I wasn't afraid of the quiet or being alone. I guess its because the day before my sister had tripped on LSD. To pass the time she watched a show too. I hope I can explain properly. When I watched the actors act they looked so real. Like they were committed to the role. When I tried to watch Seinfeld I hated it! It seemed like an ugly, bleak reality and I didn't like the color. It was incredible how I would close my eyes and see amazing patterns and images. I could still taste the patterns if that makes sense? The hallucinations were much stronger when the lights were off. I remember seeing the dark shadows and creatures in the dark room. It looked like a francisco Goya painting. I was not terrified because I see dark shit like that on a daily basis in broad daylight hah. When I tried to close my eyes to sleep I heard these loud noises it sounded like I was in hell. I seen these creatures and faces that wanted to bring evil and pain. I imagined myself wrapping myself in yellow light that protected me. I yelled at them in my head and they went away. When I finally did sort of rest, I completely lost the self. I lost myself and became anything I brought to mind. I even became one of those black and white sharp patterns. I realized that some of these experiences I had during my trip I've encountered sober. Few hours later I wrote my answers out to those questions. I came to a simple conclusion. I need to let go and just be! I must keep being an authentic person. When I am not authentic I start to feel anxiety and sadness. I must practice self love consistently. I apply labels to myself in order to comfort others. If I don't use labels people will not understand me. But I must remember always that "I" cannot be labeled, identified, "I" is not constant. The "I" is ever changing. To be free I must practice self-love and authenticity. If I were to have another psychedelic trip I would change my setting. I would take it in a secluded and well known place like my apartment. I would also not watch shows on my laptop. I would get a gallon water next to me. I'd have some paints incase I got in the mood to create something. I'd also try the blindfold and earplugs method.
  2. I've also have been thinking about the definition of happiness. A therapist once told me that life is like a rollercoaster. But, buddhism taught me that our true state is content and peace. Excitement, joy, euphoria are all passing states of emotions. This dichotomy of emotions is I think the result of a society that is always seeking pleasure, multitasking, and searching for the next best thing. I guess happiness is loving the plateau or the stillness in life.
  3. @Ulax That is interesting. It sounds like you are still working on yourself but on a specific issue. Maybe once I start therapy I can pinpoint the major problem I need to work on. @Nahm You're right the use of therapy and self development skills can improve the quality of life. Thanks for the advice!
  4. Hey! Let me know how it went! I was looking into IPEC too but I havent scheduled an interview yet because I'm not sure if you can pay the course through monthly installments..
  5. I started university the beginning of this year. I've been contemplating on whether I should go to therapy at school. My first semester was really hard I had suicidal thoughts and skipped classes a lot. I start to feel confused about my mental health and personal development work. Sometimes I think these problems of depression are problems of the ego. That I need to do more inner work. But I've realized that my sadness is not a phase. I've had it since I was 12 years old. Does anyone also see a confusion between mental disorders and personal development? Do you pass your disorder as an issue of the ego in order to avoid professional help?