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Everything posted by XYZ

  1. I'm curious to hear what your opinions are on lottery gambling. This is something I do regularly because it's always readily available at the nearest 7-11, requires no effort to skill to try, and has variety of prizes and odds- super unlikely to win the Mega Millions or Powerball, but lots of smaller prizes with better odds, still enough money to be life changing. At present I have little money, and no other ways to go about making more money due to shitty living situation, so this feels like the only option. Like let's say I win $100k on a scratch-off, this would then allow me to get my own apartment and new computer, phone and A/V equipment. Then I would have the ideal infrastructure to pursue conscious ways of making a living, something I don't feel is possible while staying in my parent's living room, trouble sleeping due to noise and no privacy. It seems the more happy and optimistic I feel, the more I gamble, while if there are times I feel depressed or hopeless, I stop because it feel so pointless and wasteful. If I stopped completely though, I feel like that would be giving up on life, and just waiting around to die. Posted another thread here about feeling like I am talented but extremely lazy and disadvantaged, unable to even get a wage-slave job and still can't find any other ways to immediately change my situation and overhaul my life circumstances than desperately try to succeed at lottery gambling. But after looking over my dwindling balance and growing credit card debts yesterday, realize gambling is something I need to stop soon or otherwise be really fucked financially.
  2. Alcohol addiction hasn't been a problem for me unlike other things, because it's very obvious how shitty I feel when I drink too much, or two often. I choose to avoid hard liquor, except for the occasional mini added to another drink, but am fine with having 2-4 beers or white claws one or 2 days a week. Or none at all for a few months at a time. This spring I thought I would not drink because it's just not necessary I don't need it, but a few times when I ordered kombucha from Amazon, they sent an alcoholic variety as an automatic substitute for something out of stock, and wasn't going to waste it. Then realized how ridiculous it is being straight edge, makes as little sense to me as drinking daily. Also fuck everyone who shames people for drinking or says it's un-spiritual. Alcoholic beverages are the most accessible, and for many of us the only readily available tool to temporarily alter our state of consciousness instantly, real benefits to being more open minded and creative. To use it wisely is to let go of self counsciousness, break old routines that don't serve us, develop new habits that we stick with even in a sober state. To use it unwisely would be to use alcohol as a crutch you depend on rather than something you do for fun occasionally.
  3. Yep, I just choose a time when I will first eat, and 8 hours later when I will not eat afterwards, fast the other 16 hours and stick to it every day (allowing for one day a week when I have an online event that runs later and I can't eat during). Seems absurdly simple but powerful, it's a new habit for me, but quality of life noticeably improved already, and the discipline is starting to carry over into other areas of life.
  4. I stopped caring, it's totally natural for a healthy man to get hard talking to women, even if you're not thinking anything sexual. Angle it away though so it looks less threatening, like you're saying don't worry about my excited little friend down there.
  5. You may get a laugh out of this. I was watching the coronavirus task force press conference yesterday, and the way Trump speaks is so childish, that later when he was talking about getting out in the sun as a means to kill the virus, I suddenly had a flashback to this Barney song I completely forgot about for 25 years:
  6. Assuming it is even is possible to make a vaccine that works long term, yes, since I'm sure it will be mandatory for just about everything. Unless I take a test that shows I've been exposed to SARS-2 without noticing and developed lasting immunity. Global pandemics kill the anti-vaxer movement.
  7. It's more about prioritization. Would rather spend my waking hours doing yoga, breathwork, other exercise and walks outside while I still can than laundry often. It's obviously very different if you have a house and it's something you can do any time right there. And compared to using the apartment building laundry room, with all the back and forth trips and extra cleaning of the machines and handwashing it must be a real bitch to have to take your clothes to the laundromat necessarily every time you wash them. One thing I do notice is my hampers are filling up with towels. Lots of washing my hands means towels getting very wet, staying wet longer, and changed often.
  8. Before a month ago, putting something in the laundry hamper was determined by coming into contact with outside surfaces. But now I don't sit anywhere or touch anything except at home. Socks and underwear I change after every 2-3 days of use, but everything else I just keep wearing. From a health and safety standpoint how often should you wash clothes in general? I don't want to do laundry too often because it costs money to use the machines and for the limited supply of disinfecting wipes I use. Figure if I'm not sitting in buses, offices, gym floors and restaurants, and never touch anything or anyone when I go outside for neighborhood walks there's not much point in doing laundry often, and I can save myself the stress of dragging shit in and out of the laundry room regularly, wear clothes until they smell like shit.
  9. Absolutely plenty of then on youtube you can search for. Best investment I made last month was a thick latex yoga mat, too heavy to ever bring to an IRL yoga class, but at home, it's allowed me to do all kinds of dance cardio core workouts with much more intensity than if I was just stomping on the floor. Gained visible abs despite eating too much.
  10. Yeah normally I'd not want to smell, and I don't like when other people smell. But since I'm going to be alone all the time and when outside everyone is supposed to stay 2 metres away anyway, that doesn't matter. And I usually end up washing shirts and pants when they get too sticky feeling before they'd stink more then I'd want to smell them myself.
  11. A. Wall. Of. Text.
  12. And after re-reading my post I cried for some reason, tears of gratitude and relief it seems.
  13. I've never done so much deep breathing before, and I never had the discipline to actually do a full yoga and pranayama class at home. Now that that's the only option, I'm doing it all the time, not at all self-conscious to make loud noise and chant the mantras with all my heart and voice. Less than a year ago I would often go long time without chanting mantra at home, only at a yoga class, and be pretty lazy and self neglecting. Ironically I've never felt healthier in some ways, literally forced to not take things for granted. All those solo projects I've been putting off working on and finishing, everyday health habits to make and stick to, being mindful of how I use every waking moment, it took this shit to get myself in order. If I feared catching the corona or if things would be like this forever I supposed I'd just drink, jack off, play video games and watch TV all the time. Of course there is the occasional moment sulking and even crying once in a while, I can just change my state by going back to deep breathing. There has been fake news going around that filling up lungs and holding your breath is a self test for the virus, but just doing it as an exercise, and to an extreme, like breathing so deep it feels like your lungs will explode, holding breath over a minute, then exhale slowly as you can, it really stretches out the lungs and keeps them healthy. Also lifts my mood back up to 9/10 and full of energy. Now I wonder just why in the heck I didn't do this every day before, as well as all the other pranayama, which purifies my mind, strengthens my body, and is basically like getting high off oxygen and vagus nerve stimulation. Being a yogi and meditator but also suffering from the social isolation and touch deprivation which has merely just begun, and reaching just the tip of awakening a few times before then chickening out, it seems inevitable I will face that fear and wake the fuck up for real this time during the next few months. As it's only been a week or 2 of this madness in the West, I'd expect many on the depressive side of things will go through Eckhart Tolle style intense awakenings as a result of extreme stress and mental breakdown.
  14. This was my mantra for 30 years, I never asked to be born, didn't choose to exist here, all this was forced upon me, it'y my parents fault I am alive. Then I had a mystical experience, and the first thing that happened when consciousness started to leave the body is a direct remembering that it did choose this life, it created the whole thing. Intuitively it felt exactly what it was like before being born, as if no time had passed, as if there were no such thing as birth or death. Before that point spirituality was just something I did to cope with life. And though I haven't yet went deep enough behind the veil to figure out what life is all about, or if I have some purpose of being here in human form, there is a pervading calmness, even in the worst of times I can return to it. Because now I've experiences firsthand that this is all a dream, everything is divinity, everything is okay, there is nothing to be afraid of.
  15. "this is mother nature's revenge"
  16. I'm going to write in Tulsi Gabbard regardless. Not like it matters in blue California.
  17. Synchronicity
  18. I researched that, and it seems that "re-infection" was a result of testing errors, or people who've recovered retaining some inactive fragments of the virus. Also learned about serrapeptase enzymes that can reverse lung fibrosis, such as from asbestos disease or coronavirus. Careful with meme news stories. A month ago I thought that a Welsh man in Wuhan cured himself by drinking spiced hot whiskey.
  19. Though I normally rid my vocabulary of terms like lack and cope, it is exactly what I am dealing with, at least physically, and many of you was well. Here are some ideas I've come up with, to comfort myself the longer I go without hugging, hand holding or any other wanted/needed physical contact. - Literally touching yourself, rub your clean hands all over the rest of your skin, pet yourself, massage yourself - Cuddling with a body pillow, or lying face down on a memory foam mattress. - Wiggling your clean finger between your closed lips to activate nerves as if you were kissing. - Visualization and feeling state creation, try to imagine that you are hugging/cuddling with someone, and experience the emotions as if you actually are - Deep breathing, because it makes you feel really good, very alive, full of love, like you just have a big long warm hug with a woman or man you adore. - Meditation, getting very present, into a state where there is no such think as lack, deprivation or loneliness. -ASMR, get soft tingly feelings that really stimulate the senses. I don't think alcohol, porn or masturbating would help much, probably the opposite. They feel great temporarily, but put me in a low energy state and amplify whatever I am trying to distract myself from, or feelings I am procrastinating on facing directly and working through. Regardless, I have learned to feel my emotions directly, without trying to dismiss, suppress, or even call them anything, just recognizing this is how I feel, and staying with it, breathing through it.
  20. Someone in another coronavirus thread said that people are like a virus on the planet, in terms of pollution and ecosystem collapse. Many species of animals and other life forms have gone extinct at our hands. At a higher perspective, less people, less natural resource depletion and pollution as a result of the virus are a boon for the Earth. Earth has ways of naturally reducing species overpopulation, and since I took an environmental science class in college 8 years ago, have been expecting something like this would happen, to restore the balance. If it were up to me, we would have something that just makes people infertile, because of course from my human mind-body ego perspective people dying is bad, even if a human population culling is just what the rest of the planet needs. At the same time, it's clearly the fault of how wild animals were handled and eaten in China, otherwise it would have stayed in a pangolin, bat, or wherever species it came from. In these live animal markets they were stored in cages right next to or on top of each other, where viruses can spread easily, and eventually into people when they prepare them for food. As well as the CCP forcefully censoring information about it's spread for a month ongoing, and in the USA, the Trump admin. having cut funding to CDC programs designed to detect early and respond to exactly this. We knew COvid-19 was brewing in China since late December, but only as of 2 weeks ago US government started to take the threat seriously.
  21. As you practiced semen retention and sexual transmutation longer, were the changes that occurred for you to reach the point where you no longer had any more interest in sex or masturbating ever again? Do you ever get wet dreams or other nocturnal emissions?
  22. Awakening happens when thinking stops. I haven't had a full awakening yet because my body and ego-mind pulled back from it, I think one advantage of psychedelics is they force you to go through with it, even when it feels like you are literally going to die. But the last time I reached the tip, my mind was still active up until the very end: It was in a sound bath yoga class. The distinctions between form and formless, real and imaginary, concrete and abstract, self and environment collapsed, I felt that I had merged with the sound and space, which was both completely empty and infinitely expansive. Once my body actually felt this directly beyond just as thoughts in my head there was deep inner peace, and I thought to myself then this is the goal of meditation, and it feels so good, I want to bask in this state. But then, after moving from mind to body, the realizations came into consciousness itself. That is the point in which everything started spinning and exploding outward, reality shattered. Went beyond that point once before, but this time, since my mind was still active, it really caught me off guard, and also the sound bath part was ending, right at that moment, teacher was saying deepen breath and bring awareness back into your body, so I did.
  23. It happens when distinction between subjects and objects collapses. Believing this on a mind-level won't do anything, but when you become aware of it, then it's like consciousness is turned in on itself without any sense of there being a you or a not-you, just oneness.
  24. And if you ever want to understand God fully, know this: complete comprehension of God will obliterate your whole mind. You will literally not be able to think your name or your birth any more. All explanations of reality will get expunged in the stark light of pure God-consciousness until only Void remains. You will be left dumb and mute. I sensed exactly this coming on in the brief moments before pulling back each time, and I can't tell how much is fear of losing my mind, or specifically in that setting where I was in the yoga class. I have talked to the teacher since and she understands, and so if that's the place where the full awakening with no brakes happens, I could let it. My ego would still want to shed itself when I am home alone though, but less likely, even with the best music and meditation. Something about feeling the vibration of the instruments up close and personal that you just don't get listening to recordings with headphones.