XYZ

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  1. Had that happen about a year ago, literally the most pleasurable sensation ever experienced. I had only recently begun watching Leo's videos then and so when this 'cosmic love vibration' started dissolving me, got scared and woke up. Still there was an intense afterglow, where the vibration was still felt in my body, like it had just been massaged by God.
  2. Maybe you can help me make sense of this. Was it my sympathetic nervous system system kicking into overdrive because it was frightened by ego death? Background: Over the past year I've experienced semi-mystical states while asleep sometime, documented here: And I've hoped to recreate this state of "deep love vibration" and go deeper into it during conscious waking meditation activities. I went to a mantra, meditation and sound bath event, with a plethora of unique instruments and musicians leading it. I was already very relaxed before the sound bath part began, and I wanted to just let go, let go of thinking, and let it take me as deep as we could go, that was my intention at the beginning. Soon, it felt like my consciousness was expanding beyond my body, and then oscillating from side to side, and then I was flying sideways in one direction. This self like a similar sensation as I'd experienced in the hyperdreams, and started to feel more and more blissful, what little thinking was still happening was excited to consciously enter the vibration, to let myself dissolve into it. And sure enough, I turned into a whirlpool, at least that's how I'd describe it afterward. It felt really good, getting deeper and deeper. But at the same time, my heart beat shot up, pounding rapidly at a superhuman pace. I don't remember that happening in the trippy dreams I've had, but maybe I was just not aware of it. Even today it took a while for me to notice this, and by the time I did, it felt like I was going to die. To do so would have felt completely euphoric, I am sure, and if I was alone in bed while experiencing this, I may have kept letting go. But it wasn't death itself I was afraid of, but I was afraid of making a scene there, or suddenly waking up in a hospital, or scaring the other participants, musicians and teachers with my lifeless body lying there after the class. I listened to the video where Leo described his experience going through literal death on 2-CB, as well as other accounts of ego death where they say that in the moment is is indistinguishable from what feel like permanent physical death. I thought I could surrender to such experiences, and it was the rapid heartbeat that scared me, the way my heart was beating felt actually lethal, I was sure my body was going to die if I didn't bring my heart rate down fast. An additional factor was that today a wild fire erupted not far from where I live here in California, and while I had to go outside for a few things earlier, and on the way to the event, I was chocking on smoke and ash. Just earlier this month a man died of cardiac arrest from hosing down his house to prevent it from burning down (the irony, the house 'lived' but he didn't), and that also flashed in my mind as I was going down. So I decided to come back... I began to breathe deeply into the diaphragm, still not fully in my body, most of me was in another dimension spinning around wildly, but still felt the heart beating out of control. While now breathing consciously, part of me still wanted to stop fighting it, go fully into the other dimension that was still gripping me, let my body do what it will, or cease completely. But I resisted this again and stayed present. The whirlpooling and heart pounding eventually gave way to a peaceful floating sensation, and then I opened my eyes, grateful to be alive, and enjoyed the rest of the sound bath breathing deeply, and present in my body. There was a pleasant afterglow, but nothing like the deepest dream state I had where I partially dissolved into what I can only describe as a deep love vibration. Those hadn't happened in a while, maybe because I've been sleeping better, they usually occurred while I wake up early, sleep deprived, then take a morning nap. My sensations of altered consciousness during the sound bath were definitely on the same track as during those dreams, so I wonder what went wrong, or different. Maybe I wasn't breathing enough, one difference is that I sleep on my side, which allows deep breathing. So when on my back, maybe I forgot to breathe, or had a hard time breathing in such a stimulated state, plus the effect of the fires too. Maybe I wasn't spiritually developed enough, and have much more ego that I could admit to myself, so when the ego starts to dissolve, and I am wide awake not tired and dreaming, I panic. Do the deepest meditators master their subconscious more before they experience ego death while in meditation posture? Do psychadelics shut off the part of the nervous system that overreacted? Anyways, I feel fine and have yet to see how this will change me, I sort of feel less nervous and afraid in general. I didn't think that I was nervous and fearful before, but this brink of death experience may help me let go more in everyday life, let go of things that now seem so petty, less attached to things, more calm open towards people. I'm about to a gentle breath meditation with the Apana Vayu Mudra just in case. It is said to strengthen the heart, and people have used it while actually having a heart attack, and it stopped, so certainly can't hurt to do now.
  3. Maybe should've made a suppository instead.
  4. The setting was also a factor, just like one would be hesitant to let out a huge fart during shavasana in a yoga class, it didn't feel like the place to head into a full on death with no breaks. Afterwards I told the teacher like holy shit, I meditated so hard I left my body and almost died but, stopped it in just time before having a heart attack. After understanding/contextualizing it more in the following week, told her it was a first tiny glimpse into awakening, I'm not trying to do that again, but if it does happen, and I don't get in the way of myself this time, don't be afraid, everything's okay, just let it happen.
  5. @arlin Easy to find the video. @Leo Gura Part of the problem is the limitations of language itself. Even if English vocabulary evolved to include existentially neutral pronouns, language is all abstraction which can never accurately describe reality. There was a transcendence of self, a glimpse of waking up from the dream, but the dream body was still barely there. Awareness picked up on the sensation of a 400 BPM? heartbeat as it was leaving the dream entirely. It was conscious that it was waking up from the dream, that it was just a dream, that thing called live never really happened, and no time had passed between entering the dream and returning from it. But nevertheless, it decided to return to the dream, to keep playing the human game. Just a few hours ago, another perspective emerged. "I" had expressed before how suicide was no longer a desirable course of action due to sheer selfishness, to selfish to give up life until forced to, while at the same time, keeping the possibility of suicide open as a last resort to escape suffering. Wanting to have a mystical experience was also motivated at least subconsciously by a desire to escape from life, to feel special, to break out of the petty material world of "ordinary existence." But upon the direct experience of both life and death being imaginary, there was nothing more to escape from, nowhere to go but right here and now. It was seen that the life dream is not separate from divinity, nor is there a self separate from reality. Easy to think how those who realized this are just being egomaniacs, but it's the most humbling thing ever. Since there was nothing to run from any more, the dream body started to breathe deep, and relax back into the dream. Reading/listening to stories of other awakenings, and some like Adyashanti report the same experience of a heartbeat like they overdosed on meth, then literally dying all the way, had to let go and accept the end of life they knew as a human, completely dissolving into God. Then they came back into their bodies enlightened. That could have happened then, sure, and sure that from within the multiplayer physical reality simulator, other characters would think one of them had a seizure or heart attack, they would've called an ambulance and made a big hullabaloo of it. There's not even a self to want to become enlightened, or not want it, is there really a choice, can it be avoided, why become enlightened when there is no one to become enlightened, why think there is any control over it, why think...
  6. Have a KitKat bar.
  7. But morality is still relative, not an absolute.
  8. Just remember to breathe deep while you're happy and excited.
  9. I may have forgotten to breathe, and that is what caused the near-death experience, which certainly could have resulted in literal physical death if I did not stop it in time and consciously breathe deeply to bring life back into the body. Since then, while in a sound bath, yoga shavasana or meditating I focus on deep breathing, which itself brings plenty of mindfulness and healing. What has come back to memory since then is that there was a brief moment of "waking up" from the dream of life, and being between states of consciousness, being aware that I'm not the body, while also aware that the body was going into meltdown. Then it was a conscious choice to come back to the body, to resume playing the character of "me" in the dream world. Conceptually, I can no longer claim to be a victim of existence, since I could have used that opportunity to exit the dream, but voluntarily chose to stay longer. Most apparent change noticed in direct experience is that "no self" is more palpable in every waking moment now, like the seer has become the seen. I have no clear mental memory of what happened between the deepest part of the transcendent experience starting and becoming aware of the sensation of my heart beating like a jackhammer, but there is a body memory of that, which could be interpreted as the ego being "disproven." There is deep inner peace, but also lots of thoughts and fantasies, which seems like ego trying to maintain control after being found out as an illusion. I wasn't trying to die, I was hoping to experience love. But it all makes sense now, when no longer attached to ego, there is a power vacuum left for unconditional love to take place. When there is no self to defend anymore, the void left by relinquishing selfishness is filled by love, since it is the default state of pure being. Expect it to be a slow and gradual process, not expecting to become "enlightened" but with a simple goal of allowing myself to become more loving.
  10. Yes, it's the attachment to sexual desire that causes suffering, not that the desire exists. There's no one right way to go about it, to change yourself to get the sex/relationships you want, or to change yourself to be just as happy without that. But in the end you come to realize that desire is empty, it cannot ever be satiated. No matter how much sex you have, intimacy you experience, or how much porn you jerk off to, it will never be enough, you will always want more, there is no end. Forget all the talk about becoming desire-less or enlightened, you can't will yourself to become those things directly. All you need to do is take a step back and observe the body, it's thoughts, feelings, sensations, without identifying with them. But without falling into the trap of denying or repressing, or disowning your animal self, the key is to become acutely aware of that aspect of your being and how it tries to convince itself that it's entirely what you are.
  11. I have yet to watch Yang's Q&A livestream, and once I do will have better understanding of his strategy. But one important difference is that he does not see improving technology or globalization as a problem, realizing that it actually improves quality of life for Americans and the rest of the world. These things are only a problem when individual survival still depends upon maintaining employment or running a profitable business. In this sense it is the opposite of Bernie Sanders' vision of jobs for everyone. Embracing technology, including automation, and passing on the decrease in labor needs to the general population, not just the owners of the technology. This increases freedom both in the form of receiving guaranteed income, and the freedom of time that this would provide. I didn't hear either one mention working hours yet, but an obvious consequence of UBI is that people who still need to work can afford to work less hours, not forced to conform to the 40 hour work week. As it is, Americans work the most of any developed country, and neither wages nor time off has kept up with the average increase in worker productivity. Basically this. Andrew Yang wants to re-define work, as I mentioned above and he repeats in every appearance. This isn't just empty virtue signaling, but would actually be a metric to observe how people actually spend their time. There would be less formal employment after UBI, which there would be anyway due to increased productivity/efficiency, companies needing less and less human labor. But the expectation is that it would empower Americans to "work" more than ever before, and create a net increase in human capital, a more accurate representation of national prosperity than GDP.
  12. Bernie Sanders' position is that a "federal jobs guarantee" is "superior" to UBI because it would put people to work and create a productive society, he believes that the American populace generally does want to work, in the traditional sense, and that University level education should be free and all past student loan debt cancelled. The obvious self-bias being that he himself has worked in government for decades and has been surrounded by employees of the federal government doing their jobs, and so he proposes that anyone in need of work can be put into one of those roles, and expand the government to create enough jobs for anyone who needs/wants them. If the federal minimum wage is raised to $15 as well, as he advocates, even less non-government jobs would exist, and even more people would depend on government work. Another thing left out of this national employment plan would be housing and transportation, as many who lack stable home environments and a means to get places reliably are "too poor to work." Yang argues that not everyone would be willing to just work for the government, nor that the government can simply make enough work. This point is often followed by re-defining "work" to not just mean having a job or running a business, but to also include the other ways in which people spend their time productively, such as caring for family members, serving their communities directly and passion projects that create human value. He also seems to embrace technological advancements that contribute to higher quality of life in the US, but also mean that less people are needed as traditional employees. He does not think that UBI will incentivise laziness and work-avoidance, since Americans want more than just $1000/month income, and working families would keep working while meeting more of their basic needs. What UBI does is allow people to depend less on private employers or the government for their survival, which results in better working conditions and pay, a more progressive economy than capitalism as usual. Both visions would have many advantages and disadvantages, helping to correct present known problems, but producing plenty negative consequences along with it. Either way would be very radical and unpredictable, but I would take such a radical plan to address poverty and homelessness in the US. A hybrid of both strategies along with many other nuances would be better than either extreme, and if neither becomes president, Bernie as chairman of the SEC and Yang as head of the treasury would be ideal. Nevertheless, I forsee that Andrew Yang will only become more popular. Campaigning on a thousand dollars a month for every American sounded like a joke at first, but he has made clear by now that could seriously happen, and argued strongly for it, addressed many of my own initial doubts and criticisms. Because that UBI could be the difference between life and death for some, or between uncomfortably poor and comfortably poor for a great many, anyone concerned primarily with their own survival would go for him regardless. Another strong argument for UBI is that it can be started right away, offering immediate relief. Fixing healthcare, job market, housing market, etc. could take years, or get blocked perpetually by political gridlock.
  13. Speaking of comic book villainy: This is the actual packaging on Uralasbest shipments of asbestos. I'm not a believer in the Trump-Russia collusion narrative, but found Trump's comments on asbestos quite similar to what Putin has said about using Asbestos in Russia, and since it is the top exporter, de-regulating asbestos in the US is big business for Russia.
  14. After my father died I found a report from a child psychology clinic I went to at 10 that recommended an Apergers' diagnosis. But I was never made aware of this before then, and had no idea what autism was until my mid 20s. A few years ago when I last saw a therapist, he had his supervisor sign off on a diagnosis of ASD for a bus pass application, the first official recognition. No record of it though, and I'm trying to get a formal diagnosis now at 30. I would seem perfectly normal in an office setting, hence my fear that I won't get accurately diagnosed- and then able to qualify for resources under the guise of having the "disability." They don't see me trying to walk around in public places like stores and busy sidewalks, and talking to people organically (other than doctors/psychologists), the situations when my autism is most obvious.
  15. I used to be like this and am on the autism spectrum. Lean to explain your point of view without reacting emotionally, or attacking the other person for being they way they are. Let go of the need to be right, and know even if you know you are, it isn't that important that you need to correct people. Because as you can readily observe, people tend to take things personally, and just like you, don't like being told what to do, leave them to their own dogmatism and other unconscious behavior. Even if you can't engage with other peoples' emotions directly, you can use cognitive empathy to imagine how you would feel if someone said to you the same things, and think before you speak.
  16. I speculate that people become complacent and content to live that way their whole lives by using distractions, and having an externalized sense of self-worth tied to doing rather than being. I could never accept this, managed to spend most of my twenties not working, for a variety of reasons, but I don't have any clear alternative plan going forward. Can be happy and enjoy life so long as basic needs are met, like healthy food, place to live, fresh air and sunshine. But being happy doesn't make me at all willing to work, quite the opposite it seems, since emotional resiliency allows me to say I'd just risk facing death if necessary rather than work to live. I'm too selfish to want to kill myself, so if worst comes to worst, I can imagine using the threat of suicide to get my survival needs met. How I actually spend my time (ideally) is going for 3 hours of walking outside every day, at least, sometimes twice as much. When inside I take care of the chores of existence, like laundry, food preparation, cleaning the bathroom regularly, eating, shitting, showering, sleeping. That takes up a lot of time, especially for me since I need lots of wind down time before going to bed, and often wake up after 5 hours and needing a nap in another hour or 2. And there's stretching and self-massage to clear accumulated physical tension in the body, and deep breathing and meditating. Beyond all this, then in short periods I would engage in conscious deliberate activity at the computer, like reading, working on my writing project, watching some useful videos, and occasionally going on the forum. Considering this is how I'd use freedom of time, not to play video games, jerk off, eat chips and smoke weed like the typical NEET does, I do believe there are people of means who would gladly let me live at their house, so long as I keep it clean and don't leech off them, like use benefits or small earnings to buy my own food and stuff. Hence it's useful for me not to hate or envy rich people, since some would be very helpful to me if we meet under favorable circumstances. Place I'm in now is paid rent by my mother and I have no property or major wealth to inherit. Can't relate directly to the OP situation though, since I never had a career to begin with, and managed to survive 9 years since I was fired form my last job at 21. But still, doesn't matter what it is or how much it pays I don't want to work, I can't work. Living life just takes up too much time, especially since sleep is more difficult for me. Unfathomable to spend 8 hours + unpaid lunch and commute at a job any day. My memories of that were feeling like an empty husk with no freedom, only tolerating it due to low self-esteem and fear. Seems like successful people were conditioned by the education system to wake up early sit at a desk 10 hours a day while being productive. That didn't work for me, I was dragged through grade school kicking and screaming, always tired and miserable, fidgeting and twitching and yawning out of my seat. You hear constantly now how sitting is the new smoking, sedentary lifestyles are killing us, and work is the place white collar people sit the most (nor are standing desks any better, still sedentary), yet it's still considered normal, even most desirable to have a career that involves parking your ass all day. So I say fuck it, I wanna exercise, keep body moving, go outside walk around, spend time in the sun every day. I'm too small and otherwise physically challenged to do physical labor jobs, and too autistic to work hands on with people either. The biggest hypocrisy here is that I've done more than 2 lifetimes of sitting it seems, but instead of being industrious, I was melting what was left of my attention span and work ethic with internet addiction, just reading and watching things, fapping and porn also being a big part of it. So to cut that stuff out I limit sedentary time to just specific activities (like reading and posting in the thread). I feel mentally sharp and think clearly when walking and moving about, but when sedentary feel a lot stupider, so when I write most of it is recalling realizations I had at other times and explaining them coherently. Computer brain melt is also probably why I never learned and technical skills my whole life other than google-fu and using system restore.
  17. There is currently much talk in politics about making healthcare a basic human right and giving out basic income, but no one has mentioned addressing the housing crisis, having a place to live be a basic right as well. I have yet to read through Andrew Yang's entire explanations of UBI, but it seems to overlook the issue of "rent-slavery," that housing is unaffordable in many places even with $1000 a month, and I'd expect property owners to raise rents as soon as basic income rolls out. I have thought a lot about this nuanced concept recently and want to get other opinions on it, particularly if you've actually lived in a former communist country where they had such things. Basically: The government constructs residence towers everywhere. On government land, in open space, land grants form cities and philanthropists, seized properties, and purchasing private land. On VA land to house veterans who need housing. In cities the availability of space would be aided by enacting a ban on new residence towers other than the public complexes, forcing owners of land or existing buildings in poor condition to sell it to the government. The ban would be in effect until the native homeless population and others living in the city below the specifically poverty line are provided public housing. -Each unit would have 2 or 3 small rooms, 2 for individuals, 3 for families with children. -Would have sufficient soundproofing, climate control and indoor air quality. Also it's own appliances and toilets. -People would be qualified to live in these if they are below a certain income and wealth threshold, or meet other criteria such as having a disability or working in the public sector. -The system is managed at the county level, and only people born in the same county or having lived in a residence in that county before becoming homeless or incarcerated would be allowed in it's public housing complexes. This encourages local responsibility for taking care of their own population and prevents and open free-for-all, where the needy flood into and overwhelm resources in certain places. Homeless would need to be returned to where they came from to be housed and new immigrants are excluded from this program. -Complexes would be designed and assigned based on needs and preferences. For example, some specifically for elderly, some for homeless taken right off the street, some for those getting out of prison with no home to go to, some for families only, some for individual childless non-smokers with no pets who want it quiet.... If this were to become a reality, I would predict that: -The housing bubble would pop hard. Prices of average homes would fall down to a more accurate reflection of their value as places for people to live, not as investment assets. Private apartment rents would drop, and fewer luxury properties would be built. This would fuck Wall Street in the ass no doubt, but that fucking would have come anyway due to shrinking of the middle class, un-sellable homes and mortgage/loan defaults. -Homelessness could be eliminated, if everyone homeless is either provided housing or institutionalized. -Would have many positive ripple effects for real social justice and human potential if everyone is guaranteed a place to live: People would demand better working conditions and shorter hours, crime would drop way down, freedom to work on creative projects and risk starting a business, pursue things they are passionate about and talented in rather than worrying about making the rent... overall positive effects when people are no longer in desperate survival mode at the mercy of private property owners. Overall, in an ideal setup the government would provide a form of safe and modern housing for those who need it, and complexes would . It would be sufficient for meeting basic survival needs, while still incentivizing people to pursue financial success and move someplace better, and afford more than just rudimentary existence. What do you think? And do you think that Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren would be on board for this if either became president? Since both express strong passion to tax the shit out of millionaires and billionaires to create a more equal society.
  18. I'm starting to think politicians or their advisers have been reading my posts on here. Trump just proposed using vacant federal facilities as temporary containment camps for homeless living on the street in Los Angeles. And today Bernie Sanders announced a plan to make housing a right, including a major expansion of public housing and guaranteed federal assistance, also going after real estate developers who contribute to the housing crisis. https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/461942-sanders-unveils-25-trillion-housing-plan
  19. Super deep belly breathing is best done seated or standing, so you can focus the breathing deep down as much as possible. Or as Elliot Hulse liked to say, imagine like you are trying to breathe into your balls. I still do it lying down sometimes, but gentler and more controlled, mostly to get the diaphragm to rise fully, rather than taking in as much air as I can hold. There is also a kriya where you stand up with feet together, breathe deep into the upper chest, hold the breath and push it downward, making your belly expand. It feels quite unusual if you never done anything like that, like squeezing a balloon pushing air from one end to another. I sometimes go directly into part 2 by breathing down into the belly directly, which can get you really high on oxygen while also stimulating the vagus nerve. Very easy to get lightheaded doing it, sometimes people pass out in my yoga class during the exercise so they say be careful, start with expanding the belly a little first and holding it a few seconds. And you can always go deeper, more breath, push it down deeper, push the belly out more and hold it longer. Sometimes when I push my limits I lose consciousness a brief moment as I collapse forward down to the floor gently on my hands, and more recently when about to lose balance I just exhale and separate feet, and am able to stay conscious through the intense vagus nerve stimulation that used to be overwhelming.
  20. Can't always tell what someone means through text only, whether something is mean to be just hypothetical or sarcastic. I'm thinking in terms of actual policy recommendations I wouldn't mind saying publicly, writing articles or talking to politicians about. And of course I am heavily self-biased since my own survival is obviously a factor in my reasoning.
  21. @Zigzag Idiot Population control is a whole different problem, deserving of it's own thread. Can't just stop people from fucking or forcibly sterilize everyone. Effective anti-natalist policies often would negatively affect children as if punishing them for being born, not just discouraging irresponsible procreation. For now I'd say the best we could do is make easy contraception and access to abortion widely available, and most radically, require anyone receiving benefits to take birth control (with rare exceptions for self-proclaimed celibates). But to tie it back to the original topic, unmarried and childless individuals are often left out of public benefits and low income housing programs, which give preference to families with children. Forthcoming basic income and public programs should acknowledge that childless adults receiving public assistance are actually doing them a favor by not creating more dependents, and be entitled to equal provisions as low income families.
  22. If the Soviets built these things all over their territory to recover from WW2 and rapidly industrialize and urbanize, why can't "first world countries" with massive homeless and renting-poor (low income earners spending most of their paychecks or benefits on rent) populations have publicly owned complexes built similarly. 2 main obstacles would be finding the company to construct it, since there is no state owned construction firm as there are in real socialist countries, and the space- much easier to build massively when everything was farms or buildings destroyed during a war. Nevertheless, it could be possible for the government to contract with or merge multiple engineering/construction operations that can become large enough to build public housing complexes all over the country. And while I would maintain that steps should be taken to build them in urban centers where those who need them are located, most could be built on undeveloped land, like master-planned communities in the deserts of California and Arizona for example. What I do see firsthand here in LA is that "luxury apartments" are being built in formerly commercial and industrial areas, often literally right next to homeless encampments. Certainly local governments could legislate to stop this kind of development through zoning laws and reserve such spaces for public housing. Only letting residents of the county live there, not just any bum on the street who came from elsewhere, would soften resistance to these projects, which would be seen as helping their community not importing more poor and needy.
  23. While it may not be realistically possible for straight males with high sex drives to stop wanting to experience physical intimacy with women we find desirable: It is possible for us to stop caring about wanting intimacy. I think that it is pointless to argue about whether or not sex or other forms of physical intimacy are a genuine human need or just a want, because it varies by individual and one's perspective on it can be changed. You undoubtedly would feel much happier if you see lack of intimacy as no big deal rather than something you desperately need and are starving for. And I would also caution against thinking in extremes, like believing you will never kiss, cuddle, fuck..., or that you absolutely must get to do those things. Admit that you have these unsatisfied desires, but without constructing an identity around that acknowledgement. This would help you stop obsessing over it, and let go of fear, both the fear of experiencing intimacy and not experiencing it. Genuine non-neediness (not suppressing emotions) is a win-win. Because you can be relaxed around women since you're not angling to get something from them, making you automatically more likable, but you are still in a good mood even if interactions don't go well.