XYZ

Shed all abstractions and experience pure existence without any meaning attached to it. Then purposefully decide what to value and how to see yourself. Shed all attachments to the past and future and experience living only in the present. Then be mindful that this right moment now is all that there is. Be selfish enough to not care what anyone else thinks, but not so selfish you become a narcissist who tramples on others. Let go of the need to keep up any appearances for others, without neglecting your own well being. That about sums up my experience, which is an ongoing process. A seemingly paradoxical balance of being wittingly selfish, and yet also unattached to any sense of self.

Alcohol causes insomnia for me, and also makes herbal supplements I take for sleeping less effective, so I'd feel comfortable just explaining that if I have to decline social drinking. Having an evening drink and then lying awake in bed, then lying awake some more between fragmented sleep is fresh in memory from the average of twice a year it happened recently. I'm not a teetotaler though, I occasionally enjoy a beer with an afternoon meal, but just like with coffee it's one of those things I avoid having after 5PM or so since I know it will prevent me from getting restful sleep and the sleep deprivation would have a ripple effect, all because I didn't want to be the odd one who didn't drink at an event, or felt like having a nice buzz while watching TV alone.

Honesty, or rather authenticity. Because it's possible to be authentically selfish, and/or honest about being selfish. And to ever transcend selfishness, you'd need to first be acutely aware of the extent of your own selfishness, and without any sugar-coating it: I am absolutely positively selfish as fuck, and my whole experience of life is filtered through ego. But I don't think one can be selfishly honest, because the self-centered perspective always distorts the Truth. Selfish honestly is just bullshitting.

Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder is finally being acknowledged by science. https://www.inverse.com/article/53324-night-owls-morning-larks-study Your symptoms are all familiar to me. Times when I managed to go to bed early, I just end up waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall asleep again. I really enjoyed going outside for a walk in the morning, but later on felt generally shitty and just 'not all there' in a bad way. Even when circumstances should have forced me to have a normal sleep schedule, like when I had jury duty 2 years ago, I just ended up sleeping 4 hours a night and became a walking zombie. But when I fall asleep at 2AM or later, I'm able to sleep until morning with little interruption, and usually can fall back asleep after getting up to piss. So when I do manage to get a consistent sleep schedule, it's around 2-10AM. Can never be sure if it's a natural circadian rhythm, or it got fucked up from when I worked closing shifts and stayed up late watching TV or on the computer so many nights. In my direct experience though, it feels intensely unnatural for me to even think about going to bed before midnight ever. My philosophy: go to bed when I feel tired enough to fall asleep right away. Tends to work always, unless I had alcohol.

Yes, someone with low self-esteem can obsess over their own thoughts and project their negative attitudes so much that they treat other humans as NPCs with no feelings of their own, without even realizing they are doing this. It is easy to wake up to this tendency though, unlike the narcissistic delusion of actually thinking you are objectively better than other people. Sometimes I wanted to complain about how much my life sucks in the hopes of gaining sympathy or help with my problems, but then I overhear someone else doing that and it's cringey as fuck, or learn someone who I'd be inclined to envy has their own problems they go through, and in contrast it now feels like there is nothing to complain about. For a specific example, wanting to vent about how I live in a shithole and can't get as much sleep as I want, while forgetting that most 'responsible adults' don't get to live with their parents, and have to wake up to an alarm, work a full time job and pay most of their earnings towards rent or mortgage. Whining about my circumstances makes me sound like a spoilt braggart.

Being stressed because you have unscheduled time truly does seem like the epitome and epidemy of first world problems. I pity the fool who is bored with himself yet has the freedom to do whatever he wants! I can understand though that other people who tend to have a Type A go-go-go personality, who tend to be more successful in business and education, feel like they don't know what to do with themselves when there is downtime. Like you need to feel like you are progressing towards goals. My suggestion would be to fill your days with recreational activities and learning... go on long walks, play sports, take yoga and dance classes, read lots of books, watch lots of youtube videos. Perhaps carefully choose 50 books that interest you, and take the time to thoroughly digest the content, you will miss discretionary reading once the semester starts. This way you are building good habits and discipline, so that when you do resume school, you can easily transition to mastering the material, and also balance studying with taking care of your physical body and staying active.

Pointing out that it is thinking in extremes, obsession with fear and worry about the future, focusing on limitations instead of possibilities. Much in the same way, someone trying to be motivational might ask "what would you be doing right now if you knew you were going to die tomorrow?" I would respond with first asking: What are we actually doing right now, in this present moment? Then: Is this what we really want to be doing? If not then why not? Certainly there is a world of possibilities in the middle between 'why bother, it's all meaningless, we're just going to die anyway,' and chasing unrealistic expectations of superstardom. But these possibilities are often unknown-unknowns, so when someone feels limited by their environment, they make excuses why they can't do things and take up coping behaviours which don't align with what they actually want to be. Feeling bored with life is a result of being too lazy to be mindful, in my experience; wallowing in the comfort zone of passivity & habit even when you know it absolutely isn't what you want to be doing right then and there.

I had a resurgence of tinnitus this week, and am surprised at how it seems like not even a problem anymore. Even when it's quiet and very noticable, I just don't emotionally react to it anymore, like it doesn't even annoy me. While awake I don't obsess over it, stay relaxed enough to fall asleep, and while sleeping I don't notice it. One thing that has helped me gradually heal tinnitus and acoustic sensitivity in the past is putting helicrysum essential oil inside and around the ear. This is supposed to repair nerve damage, and while it didn't cure it completely, helps a lot. So I ordered myself some more cause even though I have no problem living with louder tinnitus again, this can probably take it back down to baseline levels barely noticeable except it pitch quiet.

Better on the carpet or a rug, so the spine can lengthen and decompress against a straight surface. I've never been able to fall asleep on my back, only lying on the side.

My existence is my parents' fault, and I am a victim of circumstance just by being born. This smells like a strong limiting belief and toxic attitude, but I cant seem to overcome it. All metaphysics aside, my being born was a direct consequence of my mother and father reproducing to create me. Regardless of the ultimate cause of their actions, it is of their doing, they are responsible for making me, bringing me into the world. I had no agency in the matter, I did not choose to exist. My birth is something that happened to me, I am an effect of that occurrence, not the cause of my own life. It just reeks of a passive, defeatist, helpless victim mindset though. Is the problem that I'm thinking too rationally about this, when there is really a lot more going on than can be explained by biology and philosophy? I understand the concept of taking 100% responsibility for everything, including my existence itself, that it is one of those counter-intuitive things which creates the success modality, but it's so far form my direct experience it might as well be the story of Santa Claus. Furthermore, would would the implications be if I did find a way to internalize it, not just as a belief. If I am responsible for EVERYTHING, does it mean I do have free will, and that all of my sufferings in life are actually of my own making?

404, what was it?

What I got was: Existence just is, I just am. Even what I believed was the main physical and moral problem, there being a body that needs certain things in life and feels pain when needs aren't met, is only relative to that body, not the I, not existence itself. @Nahm I'm seeing how I'm using a victim mindset and focusing on what seem like external limitations as a denial of personal agency, and excuse for not doing what I actually am able to. Thinking too far ahead instead of focusing on what I am doing presently, distracting myself with hoping, wishing, fantasizing. Maybe I'm doing that again right now even. Denial of denial, or having an understanding of an understanding without actually understanding directly. What I do seem to get now is I have nothing to complain about if I'm not actually doing the small habits which can be done, and instead mope about things I want to do, or wish were different but can't change. Narratives, even my own birth and death, are just mental chatter, concept and imagination. Just after typing that out it occurs to me just how much time and energy had been consumed by wondering why I was born and how I might die, and the values attached to the idea that I was born and that I'm going to die. Letting that all go now.

Not so much peace and honesty for it's own sake, but a desire to stop killing each other, knowing that could be the result of wronging someone. It's like a very rudimentary form of peace, through willingness to use force, and much less stable than stage Blue, where there are externally imposed rules to live by. In stage Orange, lying, cheating, manipulating is much more prevalent, because feeling insulated from the violence of primal human nature, people & groups feel emboldened to take advantage of others for their own gains, doing things that would get them killed in a Red/Blue society.

Words of wisdom. I read that in Plato's voice, as this thread is reminding me of Adventures in the Book of Virtues (or adventures in the book of virtue signaling). The show itself is also very relevant for self-actualization, even for adults, especially for adults, and I'm learning a lot from re-watching it currently.

Virtue signaling about virtue signaling is still virtue signaling.

Exactly. When self-described incels say that they should get to go and have sex with any women they want, I remind them that such a world would also be one where any gay man can have their ass. But as I mentioned in the other thread about stage red, because there is such acute awareness of the violent nature of life, and willingness to fight and defend, peace within a tribe is valued, and there's a beautiful simplicity in just being direct, without any ideology or absolute authority. Well, not everyone can win just using the brain as you say, and many lose by getting stuck in their brain, "living in their heads" getting so absorbed in abstract concepts they are disconnected with the physical world and their own body. Healthy integration of stage Red would balance the primitive human nature with our advanced intellectual capabilities.

To me there feels like a huge disconnect between the 2: Forcing yourself to deal with something, just facing your fears and powering through them, versus using social skills and caring about how other people receive you. Stage Red is egocentric- jumping right in, not giving a fuck, doing what you want, saying it like it is. It doesn't want to play by the rules, if it even understands the rules. A lot of my personality is stuck at stage red, and this makes it very frustrating & tedious to deal with things like social networking and business. It's so ambiguous, so complex and so many ways to screw it up, I just wanna cut to the chase, make new friends and deepen existing friendships, offer value in exchange for money/resources, and be intimate with women I desire. In a primitive environment these things would come naturally as a result of everyone embodying the stage red survival mentality and needing to co-operate with one another. In the current civilized society of the Western world, it's rarely as simple as "I'm human, you're human, let's be friends!,' "I like you, I like you too, let's cuddle!,' 'I'll do X, Y, Z for you and you give me this much money and food.' Back to the main topic: I see Stage Red as valuable for the drive to just do what needs to be done for immediate survival without hesitation, when things don't go as planned, you don't have time for moral considerations, and you're pushed up against the limits of your surroundings. In more stable environments it can also be a beautiful simplicity of being, direct inter-dependence, no bullshit living, an absence of hierarchy and ideology. Cognizant of how violent life can be, ready to fight if necessary, but valuing interim peace among your tribe of fellow humans. If this seems to be my general attitude in life though, how might I grow beyond it? To integrate blue, which appears to be my weakest link in the spiral. Yes, direct approaches and just making a move are often too risky in the adult world, only exception when the woman crosses the line first by saying or doing something risque and then you sense it's okay to be more overtly sexual with her. I was too shy, low self-esteem & self conscious to be direct with girls in school. Then again, today it's probably just as bad. If in 2002 I was talking to a 13 year old girl and she gave me the 'doggy dinner bowl look' I could have kissed her, and if I misread the signal would probably just get slapped. If a teenage boy did that today he might get expelled, arrested and sued.

The reason I fear direct aggressive approach/flirting with women has nothing to do with how they would react, but how other men will react if they even think I am bothering her. Doesn't make any sense to me why some guys are afraid of talking to women, the worst she'd probably do is tell you to go away. But fear of the system is a genuine fear that suppresses my stage red, in this example and many others. If I allowed myself to express my warrior/beast side there would be male friends, white knights, security guards and police who would have a problem with it and physically harm me if they felt I was a threat to women they're protective over. The sexually aggressive direct approaches I've seen are too risky, like imagine if I was talking to a woman and told her "you make my cock hard and my heart melt." Feel free to use that line at your own risk if you have the balls, cause I sure don't. If my body language, facial expression and intonation isn't perfect, she doesn't find me physically attractive, or anyone else nearby thinks it's creepy, I'm a sexual harasser. Yet at the same time, without this fear, I can see how being that direct, raw unabashedly expressing your true nature could be the sexiest thing ever to a woman, though it's a total gamble few would be willing to take in the current year. This stage red masculinity is latent in most men with high testosterone I'd assume, but as with many other aspects of stage red, repressed by society.

Not so much that they're missing, but repressed by society. Think about it, most of our instinctual behaviors for survival and procreation would quickly get one killed or arrested if done in civilized society. But if/when order breaks down, or first world comforts are removed, and you need to focus on your immediate needs by any means necessary, stage red mode will surface full force. Reading @Dan Arnautu thread now and that seems to be the same conclusion. Speaking for myself as someone with a lot of stage red, it feels as though living in ancient times would be easier, even though the standard of living would was terrible and I'd likely have lived a short life and died a bloody death. Because even so, it was a time in which a man could simple take what he needed and wanted from the world, or exchange value for it, through direct persuasion or sheer force, you could get by without playing the petty games of modernity, and mastering the medium of money. Thus I can understand why many people recommend tearing yourself away form comfort to get un-stuck in life, to fully "embrace the suck" so that your inner warrior will come out. But I'm still afraid to thrust myself into instant survival mode, since, as I mentioned, if I go out and try to just take what I need through force, the result would be death or incarceration.

Finally added a porn blocker app. Used to think it was pointless since I can just change the settings, but the psychological implications of seeing the block page could help wake me up out of the addiction instead, we'll see.

I grow by asking questions, that's the point of this thread. The limits of self inquiry and contemplation are getting stuck inside my own echo chamber and not inviting in different perspectives. Changing my perspective, attitude, beliefs, etc. is an immediately accessible possibility I'm open to, and wanting to make. This is a different topic, and this conversation a distraction. But I went and looked back at the last one I posted, and you basically told me things just go to sleep, just get a job, it's easy, just do it, you're just making excuses if you cant.

@purerogue That's your own concept and imagination. Just like the assumption that I could simply do what you suggested and it would solve my problems. What is within my reach is to work from both ends, changing my habits and attitudes, while at the same time, asking others for help and guidance, but more focuses on genuine connecting and relating, trying to create social value rather than be a leech. Basically overcoming the helplessness mentality, actually helping myself instead of wallowing, and more actively seeking help from others while not being needy or imposing. Not just posting, reading, watching videos and begging my mom to try harder to help me get some inroads through nepotism.

The human experience and any sense of a 'you' or 'me' are also stories. But I don't think I can be convinced that this perception of "I" is not a direct result of my parents reproducing.

Metaphysics aside, our existence is merely the result of our parents procreating. We never asked to, or chose to be born. Realizing that you are oneness eases fears and anxieties about death, but doesn't really change the fact that you perceive your own existence as a separate ego connected to a human body as a direct physical consequence of a biological reproductive event that there was no you to play a part in.