Preety_India

Everytime I write this journal my heart rate increases why?

There was a time in my life, especially when I had my first boyfriend and my first breakup that I had absolutely begun to despise men and developed a lot of biases around men. I went with this thought that men only hurt and every man would only hurt me. I think a lot of it had to do with my sexual repression due to cultural conditioning. I never really felt the sexual love of a man back then and any reference to sex used to make me not want the man. In the past few months, I underwent sexual healing, specifically opening up sexually and curing some of the sexual repression that went for so long without me realizing it. The cultural conditioning can be so brutal and deep, when I look back it's almost unimaginable. I would patriarchal sexual conditioning of women is probably the worst thing that can happen to a woman. The woman begins to absolutely detest men and anything regarding sex and almost thinks of sex like a liability rather than an enjoyable activity. This way she sees man only as some provider but fails to see a male for being a male, like she cannot relate to his horniness or his sensitivity as a male, his needs are almost forgotten. This culture is extremely detrimental to women because it hampers a man's need to satisfy a woman and it hampers a woman's positivity to a man, it leads to a lot of slut shaming, dare I say it, like shaming the woman for having sexual needs because it makes the patriarchy feel oppressed? So when I healed this side of me, I am not sure what changes are happening in me but now I look at men in a completely different way. I have begun to like men. I have begun to appreciate men.. I even find certain men (obviously the ones that attract me) very alluring and intoxicating. This change is on a ridiculous level.. I feel like I can actually fully love a man. I used to hate the idea of the penis. Now I absolutely love the idea of the penis. One of the reasons why this happened is that I experienced deep sexual love from a man and then everything changed. I think now I understand incels. I understand why they hate women. They never get laid and never get the sexual love of a woman causing them to fear/hate women. It's a form of internal alienation on a psychological level. But once these needs are met by a woman, then they won't hate women as much. For me this change happened. I received a man's love and that dramatically healed my inner Hate for men and all the biases I was holding on to for so long. Now I find men very attractive and intoxicating. Healing the inner incel...

Valley home is my concept on God and healing. Only God can heal me. Comfort, prayer, faith, worship, God and love I need these in my life

Love heals

Yes I predicted my father's death a week before.. It came as premonition

Love is like God. You can't prove it. You only feel it and live it..

In those cute moments I looked at you with puppy dog eyes, I remember. Yea you're a bit autistic socially, but so what, it doesn't matter. There are sane humans that are colder than ice. At least those feelings were genuine. The feelings of an autistic person are more real than the fake pretenses of regular folks.

Your penis is my harmala extract and I will drown myself in your passion forever just like this song..... I will live in love, in desiring and wanting it and then die one day knowing I felt it even it were a few seconds. The best trip. My awakening is experiencing infinite love and I already experienced it through you. It was the most amazing thing that happened to me.. That's the greatest gift a human can give to another, the gift of love. Even romantic love is love, a passion just like spiritual love. In fact I look at romantic love to be just as honorable and spiritual. For me romantic love, deep romantic love is spiritual, because it makes me connect, it makes me forget myself and connect with love. Then how can it not be spiritual. It makes us go crazy. It is the greatest thing that ever lived, a beautiful eternal romance that is. For me eternal romance is spirituality. Maybe not for you or others. My romance with you is eternal. You gave me the greatest gift, the gift of eternal romance that will stay with me till eternity. I have absolutely no regrets and I'm glad you fucked me and gave me your love. I felt it...... Like nothing else.

You didn't cause any pain. By loving me you only gave me new hope. I'll live with this hope. It's ok, I accept that sometimes things don't go the way they should. I don't worry about it. Your words touched my heart. You see. I wasn't wrong to fall in love with you. You see. It was all worth it. At least I fell in love with a genuine man and not some pretender. I look at you everyday. Hehe. I think of you every minute. And I love this beautiful madness, this rapture. I don't have to force myself to love you. It comes naturally from me.. My Sexual feelings weren't fake. They were real. And they were for the right man. Your every word made me feel Sexual and for a good reason I guess. You taught me love. Real love. And your love is already healing me.. I want nothing more from you. I'm happy knowing that your feelings were genuine. That's enough for my parched soul. I'll rise back again and shine again just to keep this love forever in my heart. This is my favorite song that I wanted to be played at my funeral and I dedicate this song to you. And this is the other song I think of when I think of you. You won my heart forever with your sincerity. Both songs I dedicate to you. You are my true lover. At least and at last I found a man who truly cared about me even if it didn't last, well that's OK, at least he loved me even if it were a few minutes of his life. Your love fulfills me and fills my empty cup. I can't and couldn't have been happier. You resolved something important to me. Now even if I die, I'll die peacefully knowing that you truly loved me and without any regret. All the suffering in life is worth one moment of a genuine emotion. I could give it all away just for that one moment. You gave me that one moment of absolute fantasy, absolute passion, ecstasy, madness, absolute intimacy the way I never felt before. Pure pleasure of heavenly proportions. And pure vulnerability to the point that I agreed in my heart that I could even be your slut if nothing else. You made me so mad in a good way. For those beautiful passionate moments that you gave me, I almost drowned in your love and it felt like heaven. Should I commit a crime and say that what you gave me was a thousand times more beautiful than everything you experienced in your psychedelic trips all your harmala and what not, I don't care about it, what you gave me is more beautiful than anything you ever experience, you don't know how my body felt, no psychedelic can give me the feeling you gave me when you told me to look you in the eye. That was pure rapture when I thought I was looking into your eyes. I drowned in those beautiful eyes of yours. You held me close and it was intoxicating, more than any amount of alcohol, or drug or whatever harmala(I don't even know what that thing is but good luck with it) , your eyes got me transfixed and seduced my heart with absolute joy and purest and greatest overwhelming pleasure. You see your own body can produce the best psychedelics when we want to love someone madly for a moment, nothing is better than that madness in that moment, the wanting of each other, the madness of holding each other close and drowning into each other like two inseparable love birds. I felt like an absolute love bird around you. I felt held and loved and cuddled like the cuddle of the universe. What could I want more than your gentle loving arms pinning me down and giving me something that no psychedelic can give, I felt like a slut but in a good way, because I felt like a lover. You cuddled me so good, it felt like heaven. And you gave me so many times that I was dehydrated for all the good reasons. Our truest most beautiful psychedelic experiences are when we are drowned in absolute love mad love, because love is such a drug, it beats all other drugs. It makes people fools. But being foolishly in love is better than being smart with all the material pleasures in the world. I'd rather be a fool in love. Shakespeare once said that love is the wisdom of the fool and folly of the wise. Well, I committed this folly and I wear it with pride. I fell in passionate love with you over and over and over and forever. Your penis is my psychedelic, at least it was in those precious beautiful moments and your semen is my awakening. You are/were my snake charmer. My lover and my seducer. And I allowed myself to feel and consume this passion so beautiful and subtle. Oh, oops I forgot to dedicate these songs to you. I play them when I think of you. They are like a psychedelic trip to me.

I love him deeply. And I'll love him forever. At least he said to me that he loves me. Isn't that enough for my heart? His one word is enough for me to last my whole life. I'll live with it and never complain.. I'll always love him no matter what. I love him truly and deeply. I thought about him all night and all day. I just can't take him off my mind because my heart is deeply in love with him. And he didn't betray me.

I hope that this crisis is dealt with in the coming decades and these poor animals get freedom from torture. We need a stronger ethic as humanity. Hopefully we reach there.

I had created this imaginary character called Rupert. He is a part of valley home.. 3 characters in mind One is Chayne Another is Rupert And the last is Reece Chayne gives me this peaceful church feeling. Rupert is somewhat pragmatic and loves me deeply. Reece is a bit of a cute psycho, innocent, but obsessed and faithful, sincere, honest with his feelings.

segment called "Valley home" That is place where everything is perfect and beautiful. A beautiful place of beautiful people Where I won't feel trapped anymore.

Maybe there's a way out of this pain. I thought about valley home, a concept that I had occurred to me like...

At least God will know that I tried really hard. God won't be mad at me. What's the point of living? Everyday I contemplate and feel that life is worthless. I struggled for years through my childhood only to come to a point where nothing has any meaning. I don't feel any happiness no matter how hard I try I feel like I'm in mental prison.. I constantly feel like I'm not in touch with this world. Everything feels pointless, meaningless I self harm everyday. Literally every day. I mean at this rate I just don't know. No amount of emotional support from anyone makes me feel any better. I come back to the same state of worthlessness and hopelessness.

I feel like I'm punishing myself.. It's a different state of mind..

The past week hasn't been good Something has been happening to me mentally that doesn't feel okay. I don't feel like I'm the same person that I was last year.

Trump would have just caused more drama. Biden is keeping it chill.

Sometimes cgi you know.

Don't ditch social media completely. It helps if you're feeling lonely. I would say invest a bit into hobbies.

@Eternal Unity I think black coffee is really bad if you want good sleep and a balanced schedule. I'd say cut down that coffee.

Yea the improvement has to be gradual.. You'll need to be as patient as possible. It took me 4 years to get one valuable insight.

I don't think that this is something that you can quantify as an experience. You just have to go with what feels right in the moment. There's really no clear boundary between concept and actual realization. Maybe you would discover when you see an actual change, but then often the mind forgets the previous self when it enters a new self and so you will have no exact recollection of how the change took place, it could be very swift and undetected.

I've been experiencing some cognitive decline post covid and I'm looking for ways to improve my cognitive function.