Preety_India

I'm not a musician but I have a keen interest in music, especially romantic emotional or overly expressive music. So far I listened to like 15 rap songs, that were supposedly like the top rap songs of the last 2 decades and I returned empty. I didn't like any of them. I dont find any emotions in these songs. The music wasn't catchy enough for me to like it. The only song that I sort of liked, and its not that much rap is this

Some people called me racist because I didn't want to listen to rap. Hmmm Toss the middle finger.

I want to listen to rap right now. BTW I never listened to rap in my entire life, mostly only low key pop rap like hip hop but no standard rap Sometimes maybe rap is good??? I never look at rap as something good.. I don't know man. Don't ask.

What do we need people to do? People need help to outgrow from their issues. But at the same time people need to stop engaging in unconscious behaviors. Anything that is harmful to the ecosystem is unconscious. . How is unconscious behavior an indicator of responsibility?

Want to write some here.

intp-loner how-a-political-system-should-work sad-life love-and-violence feeling-mentally-disturbed-and-inadequate zodiac-study-journal prepscholar im-single-no-relationships-living-single audiobooks think-before-you-sleep creative-writing changes-in-2021

I always had this lone wolf personality and sometimes I enjoyed it. I have to say INTP can be boring and offensive. I get misunderstood and considered offensive a lot. I let it go.

I'm an odd ball personality and many people call me weird. I know that. My ex called me a weirdo many times. But that was in a bad way. Sometimes if people call me weird, I take it as a compliment But some compliments are backhanded.

Being alone is what I did all my life. There were times when loneliness was enjoyable, liberating and helped me focus. I enjoyed solitude.

A political system should be both encouraging and restricting

I'm just who I am. Yea I sometimes have a sour mood and temper. Live my life and you would know why.

I turned a compliment into an argument? Ok I'm a woman, okay????? Do not trigger me. You don't like parts of my personality?? Who the hell are you anyway? Get lost.

Women can turn a compliment into an argument. Hmmm. Whatever.

I really want to know

I go into psychotic rage. But this is also years of abuse triggered PTSD that shows up in moments of rage. That's when I literally EXPLODE. Nothing funny about it.

The man who can handle me has to be extremely loving and affection. Because I thrive on raw affection from a man. If he can't show me affection, he can't win me. It's impossible. He has to be extremely gentle and patient with me. Because I'm the polar opposite of the word "patient." I have a short fuse and a volcanic temper.

I became used to the suffering. I have become somewhat numb to these experiences. Talking about it in a journal helps. Maybe tomorrow might be my last day, and before I go there will at least be a record of all the things I went through. There is that anxiety that things need to be known before I die

This journal is going to be a record of certain incidents in childhood that included kidnapping. And I am not going to be very open about it. Since it's too deep to talk about publicly. I'm going to be venting excessively. All of this excessive venting is helping me to gain a threshold in my recovery process. I will avoid being direct about because only the memories matter so far

This was also the most horrible time of my life. My cat was also kidnapped and murdered. I talk about it in another journal on Cats. My father went into terrible distress during this time. He was hospitalized for his terminal illness, he lost his job and then died as a result of his complications of his illnesses.

It was a place I never want to revisit or remember in my life. I was kidnapped there, held in seclusion and treated with extreme control. I was allowed to go to school. I made one attempt to escape that place when I was 14. It didn't work because I was roaming the street on bare feet. Somebody discovered me in a maroon skirt and orange polka dot top and then told me to get back into the car. I was taken back to the same place. I didn't want to be there. But once again I had no money. Not a single penny in my pocket. How could I survive at 14 without money? Being in such a secluded place for a really long time meant that my mental age was around 10 when I was actually 14.

It felt like a deep dark cold place. I often describe this place in my other journals. I felt trapped for hours, days, weeks, months, years. I remember I told my sibling that I needed to get out of that place.. As soon as possible because I was going to kill myself It was insane.. I felt deprived and deficient all the time. Not much food. It was tough.. The person who was supposed to protect me had sexually abused me and kept me here as punishment for months and years So there I was lonely and stressed, very little since the age of 10. I was weak and fragile. I did not have an appetite. Constantly stressed out. I had no power. No sense of understanding what was going on. My father had suffered a stroke when I was just 12.

I'll be a bit reserved and broody in this journal. Before I write a journal, I have to prepare what my emotional state is going to be.. Especially with my more intimate personal private journals. Because I don't want to appear like a wreck. So I have to maintain some sobriety before I go down with my venting. Also I normally don't achieve a flow if I'm not super emotional. I can be a bit scattered when it comes to that. My emotions can shift from 0 to 100 within milliseconds and the flow is lost. I don't want to lose my natural flow. I have to be careful not to bungle my efforts for a clean spontaneous entry. Once I achieve spontaneity, then IRS easy for me to look back over it and get some good insights over my situations.

@Origins I think there is more to it than just a false sense of security or rush.. There is the feeling of trapping someone into your games and web of deceit and the feeling of Victory, having this sense of power over someone, duping delight in secret, being able to win someone's trust so easily and then the sense of power when the person is discarded, it reeks of temptation to power, a form of social power in taking pride in their prowess to hunt people recklessly and play with their emotions, because they lack personal power, personal power makes you humble and dignified, social power makes you predatory and greedy for more, that's when manipulation comes into place, there is also this false perception that such power gives them a lot of accolades and perks and a higher status in the sphere of relationships, they are incapable of thinking that others could be simple, beautiful and genuine, because they lack that beauty themselves, so it's harder for them to imagine what this simplistic beauty can look like.

@Origins hah. That kinda went over my head. I understood a bit though. Maybe I will try some self awareness.

@Zigzag Idiot yes you're right. I have always been lackadaisical when it came to people, unable to analyze them, trusting them easily, getting betrayed, duped or used and realizing I was a fool all along. I have reached a point where it's too difficult for me to trust people on an emotional level. Now I constantly try to back check and double check. I observe their actions. I don't want the same toxic experiences again. It's hard to filter and correctly understand people, their intentions. I tend to trust without realizing that trust comes with a huge price. I wish life wasn't this hard and people didn't make it harder. I have been fucked over by nice people. I have been fucked over by bad people. I don't even want to assume if someone is nice or bad. The nature of relationships/friendships is very volatile and it takes a heavy toll on my emotions and psyche. I constantly try to watch out if someone is trustworthy or not. Sometimes I give up altogether. There is no easy way out of this. Someone who is nice today might flip out tomorrow. There is really no rule of thumb, I mean you cannot set one.