I am really afraid

[BlueOak]

I'd be looking why you think life sucks, why you feel powerless to change it, and ways to address that, the addiction seems a behavioral consequence of it and used for escapism. If you tackle your weed addiction, then what? You could still be in that loop and just replace it. However tackling the addiction might get you to better see you have more control of your life after all, which could be your first step.

I am an expert on feeling powerless, its one of the more difficult states to be in, that and shame. So if you want to talk, message me, or reply here. There are better people to motivate you and help you build your life, but there aren't many who can relate as well to feelings of hopelessness or powerlessness. So reply with anything you like, even anger toward this, it's all good (anger is a step above powerlessness so don't fear it).

A long time ago now, my brother and I were pretty much destroyed as kids by our parents in many ways, my brother chose drugs and I chose other forms of escapism. Part of the mental conditioning was, all life sucks, and whatever I do fails. The world is against me and I can't be happy etc. That and plenty of anger, (fear of anger), aggression, and frustration at the world, other people, or life. Blame, victim complex, LOADS OF COPING mechanisms, narcissism the whole package.

So as well as anxiety (trapped emotion) I developed a lot of behaviors or patterns associated with being overwhelmed, fight, and flight. Freeze responses also were quite common, where i'd get stuck in an emotional freeze attempting something, I still to this day encounter those from time to time if I don't pay attention. 

I relay this to you, so you start to think where these thoughts and behaviors come from. What drives you into these feelings of hopelessness or powerlessness, and to start looking for ways if you wish to not only integrate the parts of you that are hurting, but eventually bring yourself into different states with time and healing.

For example: Most of the time, you can't know something is going to be great or a disaster, people don't get that level of certainty in everyday life, and if you stick with something usually it's in the middle somewhere, despite all the problems or our best efforts because people and the problems adapt along the way. Disasters are infrequent just like great success, and focusing on disasters can tend to point you at them so you hit them rather than a solution.

*Focusing on Disasters can bring certainty in an uncertain world.

Another example: 'I don't know where to escape?" Can you see your words are in a state of flight? Why is so much of your identity focused on escaping?  Fight/Flight, what is at the core of that behavior, what caused it, and what part of you is feeling that way? All that energy and thought put into running from the problem. The problems will follow you, they'll stick with you like glue, even if you move houses you'll still have your problems showing up as soon as the shine wears off the newness of it all.

Treat yourself well, especially when you are in a state like you feel right now, that's a start. Don't be harsh on your wounds or yourself, be your own friend first and foremost, especially when nobody is in the room. 

Here's another teacher to get you started below. Follow her videos on the internal world they will heal you, the external world meh, but nobody is perfect.
All the best.
 

 

Six human needs reading by two different authors:
For Uncertainty, Certainty, Connection/Love, Growth, Contribution and Significance

https://tealswan.com/resources/articles/relationships-and-the-six-human-needs

https://www.tonyrobbins.com/mind-meaning/do-you-need-to-feel-significant/

Edited March 5 by BlueOak

[LSD-Rumi]

Hey man,

Listen, if you stay on this same path, you'll be stuck forever. Your life should be filled with stuff you enjoy. Start by making some solid friends, this will help a lot.

You must fill your free time with healthy and joyful activities. Hobbies, reading, learning stuff, finding a bigger purpose...etc.

Each day, sit for 10-20 minutes and really think it through. How's the weed holding you back? How much better could things be with some changes? Visualize that good stuff.

But also, picture what happens if you don't change. Think about your folks, and where you're headed. At some point you may face some really difficult circumstances. This lifestyle is unsustainable in the first place.

Just doing that will get the ball rolling, even if it's tough at first. Leo's older videos on personal development might help a lot – check those out.

Edited March 6 by LSD-Rumi

[Dabidoe]

I'd recommend checking out the reddit r/leaves, one of the most supportive communities I've encountered and a lot of people are struggling to improve their lives and give up the crutch of weed.

Your life may not be perfect but it can get better, and what's the alternative? Things suck they can only get better!

[hyruga]

Your number one priority is to find a job/anything that pays you and earns you decent amount of money. Once you have a stable income, you will gain better control of yourself and will quit smoking.

Edited March 7 by hyruga