How much time to recover from this ?

[Gabith]

Last night, having taken ketamine and listening to a song from my teenage years about a father molesting his child (The Dreadful Hours of My Dying Bride) I had a sudden emotional shock and knew that my father had raped me as a child. 
I felt immense sadness and distress, then anger, and a few hours later, I was physically ill; I felt hot/cold, weak, I have nausea, I want to vomit something that hurt in my stomach but it is not done yet, it's still inside.

The whole image of my father collapsed, I knew why I'd always felt bad about myself, why I was afraid to open up to people, so many things... My father manipulated me all my life and it's only now that I realize it all.

A few months ago, I had done hypnosis with a psychologist and there were my first impressions that my father had raped me, but I couldn't be sure. Yesterday, it all came out, alone in my home, out of nowhere.

I've never had this before, I don't know what to do and how long it will take before I can feel less bad. 

Please help me

Edited February 10 by Gabith

[CoolDreamThanks]

That's one of the reasons drugs are harmful, they dig into your subconscious earlier than you are ready. 

Also, doing drugs and listening to molestation songs is probably one of the dumbest things ever. Even if you weren't molested, if you do drugs and listen to those songs your mind will imagine that you were. Maybe that's what happened?  

If not, then read the Dissapearance of the Universe trilogy which will teach you to heal your mind on the deepest levels, levels which pshycologists or hypnotists have no idea about. 

[Gabith]

It's more than certain that I didn't make it up.
I'd known the song since I was a teenager, and the impression that my father had raped me had already been surfacing for years, but I'd never dared revisit that appalling memory to confirm that it was he, the person who had raped me as a child.

I hadn't set any intentions when I took the ketamine, I was just sitting in my livingroom, enjoying my music playlist.

My father was raped by a priest and his father was an alcoholic who was always away (traveling journalist) cheating on his mother with other women. And at home, there was a lot of tension and couple fights. 

He was always emotionally distant from me and his mother (my grandmother), who was full of love for her children and grandchildren, but unfortunately received nothing in return.

There are so many things to say, but I never paid any attention to them until my trauma resurfaced.
I saw my father as someone he wasn't and I thought all my life that I was the problem if I didn't know how to open up to others, if I felt constantly unwell etc...

He was an alcoholic too. 
That must have helped what happened, but I'll never understand why he did this to me.

[meta_male]

First off, I'm sorry you had to experience this.

My therapist once told me a story about a woman who during an IFS (inner family system) session realised she was sexually abused as a child. I don't think there's a lot you could have done for it to not be a shocking realisation. What can help you short term is mindfulness and body awareness exercises, like breathing, body scans. IFS-therapy is what I can recommend long term.

[Lila9]

I believe you.

I'm sorry you went through this.

It's common to forget traumatic events from childhood. 

My siblings recently shared some traumatic experiences they remember from childhood, experiences in which I was present, but I don't remember these at all.

I'm not a trauma expert and I wish I had some professional advice to give you.

I can give you an advice as an individual. My advice would be to take care of yourself, physically, mentally and spiritually, take the time to heal, might sound like a cliche but you're not alone, I'm wishing you the best.

Love.

Edited February 12 by Lila9

[Schizophonia]

Virtual Hug* 

[Schizophonia]

Obviously think about going to see a psychiatrist.

No one here will offer you sufficient support.