How to heal with your partner?

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

The current goal of my relationship is to create a safe environment for me and my gf so that we can heal from our past traumas and pain. I'm honestly not sure how to get there. I understand that this isn't something that can be "done". It's like owning a garden. If you take good care of that garden and make sure that all the conditions like water, sun light and fertile soil are met, the garden will grow beautiful flowers, but if you neglect that garden it will basically just turn into wilderness.

So I'm interested in what the conditions are, to grow into a relationship of shared healing.

[universe]

Being present and non-judgemental.

Of course, you also each got your own therapist or better yet, learned how to heal yourself/allow emotions to be there.

[Wisebaxter]

@DefinitelyNotARobot Well I usually just project all of my past pain onto the other person and self sabotage until it's ruined, so you could do the opposite of that, which would look like examining every trigger and realising where the projection comes from. Compassion will be key, as sometimes they'll project onto you and you'll feel pain that might make you want to lash out. When emotions get hot, mistakes happen. Allow each other space to process feelings and don't keep poking the bear. Work through 'Shadow Dance' by David Rico together. 

New events will be perceived through the lens of past pain, fears and assumptions. Unconditional love and authentic communication will be key. Acknowledging judgements, knowing when to acknowledge them out loud and when to just work on yourself. Sometimes we get unconsciously frustrated with someone and passively aggressively give them little bits of advice, masked as loving gestures or 'care.' Really we just want them to change as it suits our survival needs more. 

Pre-empt conflict flashpoints and proactively take action so they don't take you by surprise. The less conflicts that arise through simple day to day issues that may cause tension, the less opportunity there is for our inner child or pain body to get triggered. This could be something like her standards for tidiness vs yours. I swear to God this pretty much killed my last relationship and was a constant source of tension, that she didn't think I pulled my weight with chores. It could also be making sure deep values you both have aren't taken for granted. Like, is she driven by travel and new experiences whereas you like the comfort of familiar surroundings? Is she fundamentally very sociable whereas you're more introverted? Contemplation and what I call 'future mindedness' will help. 

I like your garden analogy. There's a certain pleasure in removing weeds and it can be productive, but you have to know when it's overkill and it's time to stop, like @universe said, be present and have fun together.

 

Edited February 10 by Wisebaxter

[Princess Arabia]

The fact that you're asking this question and making the statements you've made is already showing healing. Half the challenge has already been behind you from you acknowledging that this could potentially be a barrier in moving forward. Trust that you'll be shown the right way if any challenges emerge. You have already set the intention; and from seeing your interactions here on the forum, I have no doubt in my mind that you'll be able to handle them if and when they arise. 

You exude Spiritual maturity and Emotional Intelligence and those alone can just be enough to carry you through as long as your intentions are pure. If and when the feeling of anxiousness arises, allow it to be there without judging it or rationalizing it in any way. Understand that it's only there because of some thought that came through and it will dissolve itself just like how the accompanying thought did. Focus on what you're doing in those moments, not what you're thinking or feeling. Pay them no mind and try to mentally shift your state to one of gratitude, acceptance for what is and allow the body to react to the environment without resistance, meaning if you're feeling any negative emotions concerning the relationship, don't resist the feelings just allow them to flow through.

If you are feeling a bit anxious because you really want it to work out but doubt your capacity to move it forward, just go within with your hand on your heart and say to yourself "I'm a bad-ass, I can do this. The Universe doesn't give me anything i can't handle and I refuse to allow my mind to tell me otherwise".

Whenever you're observing your partner going through any emotional pain, just see it as a passing circumstance and allow her the space she needs for that energy to pass through. Depending on the circumstance, try not to associate it with any memory that you may have about what you've been through because that will just stir up unnecessary emotions within you and now you've moved one step behind. Be patient with yourself and with your partner but try not to dwell in a Reality where you feel you need time to get over what you've been through because you'll never get there. The time is NOW and when those memories appear try not to see them in a negative fashion but what was needed to get you where you are now. As for dealing with circumstances where you both at the same time are experiencing times of regrets and emotional pain, and find yourselves being unloving towards each other, as soon as you become aware of what is happening, allow space between you both, and without blame and judgement sit with it and keep remembering that it is temporary and you have the capacity to turn it around by acknowledging to yourself that this is part of the phase you have to go through and it is needed to let the baggage out in order to move on. Just don't abide there and brush yourself off quickly and go have some ice-cream together.

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

13 hours ago, universe said:

Of course, you also each got your own therapist or better yet, learned how to heal yourself/allow emotions to be there.

I'm currently on a waiting list and she's looking for a therapist as well.  I suppose we're already good on that front.

13 hours ago, Wisebaxter said:

Work through 'Shadow Dance' by David Rico together.

Thanks for the recommendation, I will look into it! 👍

13 hours ago, Wisebaxter said:

Well I usually just project all of my past pain onto the other person and self sabotage until it's ruined, so you could do the opposite of that, which would look like examining every trigger and realising where the projection comes from.

Yeah I've noticed some past trauma rise up during some moments, but I think I did a good job at communicating my feelings to her in a grounded way. However, I still notice a barrier which is keeping me from expressing myself fully authentically. I guess that's something that I will have to shed slowly, step by step, as the relationship deepens.

@Princess Arabia Thank you, your message is very inspiring! What I get from it is that it's really important to get into a place of stillness and groundedness, for you to be able to let these emotions take their natural course. I did notice that simply holding her in my arms and being present with her helps her deal with her emotions immensely. It almost feels like cheating, because I'm not actually doing anything except for giving her my love. I think I should investigate the part of me that wants to jump into action and "do more". 

[Princess Arabia]

2 hours ago, DefinitelyNotARobot said:

I think I should investigate the part of me that wants to jump into action and "do more"

It's a masculine quality. It's inherent. Your feminine and masculine side are colliding and you're not sure which one you should let lead your emotions. Your heart is saying just be present, there's nothing to do in the moment, but your mind is saying something must be physically done or you're not being loving. There's nothing to investigate but to realize that it's a part of your genetic make-up. Go with your heart in the moment and do what feels better. To do or just be. Your intuition will guide you when the time comes to either take aggressive action or passive action. 

P.S. I've seen a lot of good reviews on "BetterHelp". That's their name. They take a Spiritual approach to therapy and are very flexible in working with your particular schedule. You can check them out for other options. I also know of a very qualified Spiritual Advisor who recommends them .

[DefinitelyNotARobot]

36 minutes ago, Princess Arabia said:

Go with your heart in the moment and do what feels better. To do or just be. Your intuition will guide you when the time comes to either take aggressive action or passive action.

Thank you.