Fear of afterlife

[Bandman]

Guys I can't take it anymore, I honestly don't know what reality is anymore, I don't know what I believe anymore, I don't know whether my awakening experiences were true or not, i've had 2 in my life 4 and 2 years ago respectively, they changed my life and i basically thought it just confirmed leo's teachings, however now I realize that those Christian mystics also had their valid mystical experiences coloured by their belief system, since Leo was what got me into spirituality I suspect I did this as well

I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm having trouble focussing and planning, constant insidious self doubt, chaotic thoughts, developed a speech impediment last year that seems to be psychological and gets worse the more i am in social situations, i'm isolating myself because of this fear of not being able to speak which was validated on multiple occasions

I'm struggling with addiction and suicidal ideation

most of these issues i've had for some years now, that's why last year I got into reading Islamic and Christian texts and whether the religion is right for me and prayer can help with healing my issues and mind, and i thought that if all this consciousness stuff is true and God is real maybe those religions are right, however I found out its all about believing and dogma and both religions say that those who don't believe it's dogma go to hell eternally, this is so disgusting but i am now so afraid of eternal damnation

I used to think that reality would just dream forever , with heaven and hell representing the states of consciousness of total unity and bliss consciousness and total division and suffering consciousness, but with conscioussness never being able to totally lose itself since it is itself, noone and nothing is damned forever even in exponential hell states, God forgives everything

I am so confused about the Quran, I started reading it because of the 99 names of God and the many qualities that are correct about God like forgiveness, the only, that kind of stuff

But in the Quran it says the disbelievers go to hell forever, and according to the Bible Jesus also said this, I mean why the f is Jesus being held in such a high regard even with new age people if he literally said most people go to hell forever?

I just can't take it anymore, my freedom of thought and expansive mind is what always held me, and finding out that reality is consciousness and is completely one, was one of the most beautiful things that happened to me, I mean I know deep inside that i'm right and that all these dogmas must be wrong and that reality could never be in a way that you are damned forever, I mean believe me I have seen the deep beautiful truth of reality and the cosmos, even though they were just glimpses and it was a shocking process, there is nothing more deeper than that in my life

but my ego keeps screaming now that we can't go on with Awakening and building my own vision on life and reality, that i will be a dirty unbeliever and go to hell forever

my ego is legitimately afraid for the consequences of the afterlife

I mean, i don't care about going to hell, this was one of the shocking things to realize about my awakening, that reality is infinite and does include trans-human suffering just like it includes trans-human bliss, i've accepted that 

But the idea that there is unredeemable eternal suffering possible, i know it sounds crazy but i just grips me like a vortex, I am so afraid of being unsavably doomed

I realize this might sound psychotic, and the whole idea doesn't make sense to me, ( why would the Quran, which also talks about sex slaves and law, be right on this topic? same with the Bible) but the fear of damnation and the fact that so many people believe in this shit make me crazy

It's literally making me dumber, i'm now afraid of my own intuition and free thought

thanks for letting me vent







 

[Thought Art]

Relax and realize you are eternally safe. 
 

Religion, and texts are ever evolving things. 
 

Take time to come to grips with the confusing, twisted, and often contradictory ideas you will learn when studying different religions, philosophy and spiritual schools. 
 

Be patient with yourself and find rest, health and relaxation of mind and body in the now. 
 

Rest your mind and body, take time to eat nutritious foods and avoid excess thinking, rumination and worry. Take naps when you have free time, listen to some calming music. Smell a sweet essential oil or incense. Go spend some time in nature and watch a sunset. 
 

Be patient on this journey towards truth.  I have had many ups and downs over the years. But, as I go through them I focus on being more loving and more wise. 
 

What to make of these ancient texts? What to make of these religions? 
 

This is something to explore, patiently over many years. Slow down my friend and find rest.

[Thought Art]

Ever since I heard the howlin' wind
I didn't need to go where a bible went
But then you know your gifts seemed heaven sent
Just lead me to a choler, dad, that's the thing

I don't know how you house the sin
But you're free now
I was never sure how much of you I could let in
And I'm free now
Won't you settle down baby here your love has been
Heavenly father
It's definitely lava
Why you don't carry other names?

Heard about a day where it dropped the know
To go another day as we learn to close
'Cause I'm a known coward in a coward wind
But you're free now
You turn around now and you count to 10
To see you go now
Well I know now honey that I can't pretend
Heavenly father
Is whose brought to his autumn
And love is left in end

I just been up here for god damn years
Can you see now?
Filling up hulls with god damn fears
I am free now
I know about it darlin', I've been standin' here
Heavenly father
Is all that he offers
A safety in the end

[Breakingthewall]

Those religions that you mention are not intended to lead you to the truth but to unite the masses, expand their area of influence and centralize power. eternal hell is the perfect tool for this. do not take them as something real, they are an emergent of the collective ego with a specific purpose