New Member : Constantly Needing To Distract Myself

[zazed]

English is not my native language, so forgive any spelling issues.

So, i've been studying enlightment, zen, buddhism, taoism and all sorts of new age stuf since i was 17 or so.
Some years more urgent, more focused, others i forgot about it and let it fade out. The last couple years i totally forgot about most of it, and i've been alot further on the journey than i am today. I was far along the path at the time i met my ex-gf, meeting her i totally went up into the relationship, and lost all awareness. It was abusive and it broke me more than i realized then, over 4 years it hollowed me out spiritually to what i am today.

Now the video's Leo shoots have really been helping me.
They have broken open my mind, and pointed out my many flaws, and my many coping mechanisms for escaping my fears. This in itself has made my existance more uncomfortable, because i am aware but cannot stop it, yet.

I also regularly use marijuana, daily, without exception. Unless i travel for work/vacation. It started after the breakup, to help me cope.
I have a good job, earn good money, i can't complain about that, and am respected as an expert in my field. I'm an INTJ personality.

I am exercising often since two months, as part of my spiritual practise, at least 4 days a week doing heavy cardio.
When i cycle indoor, i often do it without music and try to be mindful while my entire body aches, it is my main meditation currently (because i can't be still).

Some things i have problems with:

• I can't just sit and meditate. Smoking weed is not a requirement if i'm busy, but the moment there is an empty moment, i need to light it up.
• I can meditate when i have smoked weed, but it's not as relaxing then, i may feel guilty about it, the guilt may be worse than the high in preventing meditation.
• When i do just sit, its horrible, i become very uncomfortable all over.
• So, either i smoke weed, or i keep myself busy with menial tasks, such as cleaning the house, mowing the lawn. And i can do this kind of mindfully, but as soon as there really is nothing to do, i'll often be lighting up the MJ before i am even aware of it.
• At work, i take the content very personally. I've noticed this thanks to the video's Leo made. I noticed my being "smart", was such a big part of my imagined self, that i needed to be right at work, and things needed to be done in my vision. I didn't really listen to people, i thought i was smarter/better, which is actually holding me back.
  It has been better lately, but it's still my default mode if i am not aware/carefull.
• I've really enjoyed the video on "how to stop caring what other people think". It made me realize that most of my social anxiety, is because i desperately need people to like me. I had also convinced myself i was "better" than people, or didn't need people, or that i would become an isolate zen monk and would be fine.  
• I live alone, in my own house, and don't have many friends. I never feel lonely, but it's making me more socially weird, like i'm out of practise
  On the plus side, i have few time restrictions on enlightenment practise (which is why its sad i don't do more of it)
• I've been further on the path in my early 20ies, being aware now shows this. I can remember enlightenment like experiences from more then 10 years ago, and it is frustrating me to see how chaotic my mind is today.
• I can talk about enlightenment and know a lot about it, but it's not any help at all.
• Enlightenment itself, or awarenes, tends to become an ego thing for me. If i'm enlightened, my life will be ok.
  I desire that which is a state of no desire, my desire may be to strong, it may actually be deluding me and holding me back.
  I remember letting go in the past, but i can barely remember how that worked

 

Anyway, i'll try to visit the forums from time to time. And i'd welcome any advise, cause i need it. The biggest problem being unable to just sit and meditate in the now. 

Basically, i am trying to become aware, enlightened and more in control of my life again. I've had enough of living on auto-pilot.
 

 

[Prabhaker]

46 minutes ago, zazed said:

I can't just sit and meditate.

When you walk on the road do you simply walk or you think and imagine and plan thousand and one things? More often than not, this is the case. Isn't it?

Walk with full consciousness, it will become a meditation. You should walk with awareness. Moving your hand, you should move with awareness, knowing perfectly that you are moving the hand. You can move it without any consciousness, like a mechanical thing…you are on a morning walk; you can go on walking without being aware of your feet.

Be alert of the movements of your body. While eating, be alert to the movements that are needed for eating. Taking a shower, be alert to the coolness that is coming to you, the water falling on you and the tremendous joy of it ― just be alert. It should not go on happening in an unconscious state.

And the same about your mind. Whatever thought passes on the screen of your mind, just be a watcher. Whatever emotion passes on the screen of your heart, just remain a witness ― don’t get involved, don’t get identified, don’t evaluate what is good, what is bad; that is not part of your meditation.

[zazed]

Prabhaker, thanks for your reply.
I am a thinker usually yes. And it has given me great trouble in the past, being unable to sleep due to non stop thinking. Or forgetting entire tv shows because of thinking during it. 

So it is wise advise indeed, and the funny thing is, I am largely able to practice daily mindfulness now. Not as well as i once could, but its coming back.
When i cook, walk, mow my lawn, drive my car. I try to be mindful, often thoughts will popup, but i let them go. I also find this relaxing and enjoyable. Mentally i believe in the importance of the now, of the perception, and it helps me let things go.

However, when i am perfectly still i am also mindful, mindful of my body becoming highly uncomfortable. And it gives rise to formless thoughts that i try to let go, the voice in strange pictures and forms that are not clear to me. It is like a physical feeling that feels most like an anxiety over my entire body, without any thought about it. Especially my chest area feels highly uncomfortable. I don't even know why i feel this anxiety or fear, it is purely physical without a thought component. I am mindful of this anxiety which makes it even worse, i am basking in it as i meditate. Obviously, it is not at all relaxing and i cannot sustain it for long. So i give up and do something else.

But, when i walk, the feeling of my legs moving, is enough to be "comfortable" and not notice physical discomfort.

So like today, sun was shining, and i walk outside in my garden in mindfulness. Then when i take a cushion and sit down still on the floor i become restless and uncomfortable. It's strange, because I've meditated perfectly still for hours many years ago.

I wonder if it is marijuana addiction? Or maybe i just need to push through it and commit to a couple hours of suffering(=meditation)? Would the sitting become comfortable in time, will anxiety diminish? I also wonder, if by trying to live in the now and perhaps forcing myself ignore my issues, because i believe in the now, i am causing anxiety without the thought (because i ejected the thought forcefully)?

 

[FirstglimpseOMG]

It doesn't take too long with chronic weed use to leave you much more 'less than comfortable' when you aren't buzzed. You could have an ideal life situation, all the riches and success you could ask for, and just suffer like a poor anxious little bitch when your dealer's late, or out of weed and no backup, or you dump your last 2 joint's worth of grinded-up bud on the green shag carpet. Experimenting with substances can be amazing, but relying on them for mood is a fool's game. 

I wouldn't change too much at once. If you smoke daily and want to get back into meditation and having mindfulness really working for you, just smoke like you would, calm the fuck down, and begin to get back into the practice. You know the meditation and mindfulness were solid, effective practices for you before.

Let that be motivation to get past this bumpy part and get it working for you again.

I quit a pack-a-day cigarette habit after discovering non-duality, just because of awareness plus disgust. But I aim to wean myself off the weed as a habit, as I move along here. I'm not sure I want to juggle withdrawal and the initiation into spirituality simultaneously. I'm determined that the mindfulness and desire to transcend needing weed for mood will see me on top of that in the near future.

Mind you, there's something to be said for not dicking around and just quitting weed and taking on the practice of meditation and mindfulness again, but it sounds like you are already dealing with a fair bit of anxiety and that pervasive need for distraction. I suppose you just smoke a doob, notch all the monkey-mind shit down a little, and start getting honest about what you are trying to escape from or distract yourself from, or not face. 

It's all about you and your reactions. What you focus on. The value or importance you attribute to what you focus on, and what you decide to do about it. Probably best to really forgive the ex in your heart, until it's real (lovingkindness meditation and metta for that). Those borderline personality disorder bitches will destroy and leave you a shell for about a year, but they absolutely cannot help it within their world of dysfunction, it's just what they do. Look up the frog and the scorpion tale bud, & forgive both her and yourself. The colour bleeds back into the sunsets after a while though, and if you're off of their radar, you can put the pieces back together. I don't know where you are in all the aftermath of the abuse, but the only way arou d it is through it. I've been there. I cycled grief over and over until about 10 to 12 months after breaking free. It would have killed me, I finally bailed as pure survival. And yeah, I mean the emotio al rollercoaster of confusion and guilt and gaslighting, and pure batshit craziness would have killed me, it wasn't and doesn't need to be physical abuse.

The goofiest thing, and I can promise you this, is that once you are out of it and cycled tnrough the grief cycles (over and over, yes, but diminishing in intensity and frequency as you go), and have built some sanity back into your day-to-day, you would not trade a second of it all for anything. It's a fine balancing act to get over it without bitterness detracting from the re-instatement of beauty and grace in your life.

Anyway, long-winded me says; If you were there in the land of contentment and beauty and spiritual growth before Miss 'me me me' came along, you have not wandered as far from it as you think.

Apologies if I read too much into the abusive relationship thing. They can kill you or leave you with PTSD as effectively as a tour of duty in a full-out war zone.

Edited March 31, 2017 by FirstglimpseOMG
Typos

[zazed]

@FirstglimpseOMG Thank you, i find comfort in your words, you read between the lines perfectly.
I definitively had some sort of PTSD for a while, it's hard to describe. But i've made lots of mistakes myself, everything had to be done my way, most things had only 1 correct solution for me (cooking dinner, planning a vacation), so i'm not a saint here, call it ocpd if you want.
After it, i totally lost any interest in any romantic relationship. When i think now of dating or having a girlfriend, it's like "sigh, just forget it, not worth the effort". But i also realize, that may come back to bite me in the ass later, if i don't become enlightened or something before i really start feeling "lonely". Time is ticking, and the self has needs and will come knocking eventually. I also don't want to begin a new relationship without being perfectly happy with myself, and preferably not before being enlightened.

I wonder tho, i don't really want to quit the weed entirely. Lately i'm trying to delay it as long as possible, so i'm not smoking all day. I have a full time job, doing 50 hours a week, I do hard and mentally challenging work. And at the same time I'm a chronic daily user for like 4 or 5 years now. I've quit it before in my 20ies, difference is this time i really don't seem to want to, and i'm not sure if i need to. Been sober so far today, its 20:30 here now. And i'm not really craving it, i never crave it really. Unless i sit and do nothing.

People are strange habit formers. My week evenings are smoking weed and watching TV shows. So when i go on vacation the first days are very disorienting for me, since i cannot do either. It's like i filled that void after a relationship, with TV and weed. And without it i can get lost.

I also stopped smoking a couple months ago, i smoked 2 packs a week, not a heavy smoker. But i just quit cold turkey without any issues at all.
Difference with smoking, was i knew i needed to, it was a known fact, so i just did it. Weed has me playing mind games with myself, do i need to quit, or do i not?


Addiction could be the cause of the anxiety. I also think it may be some other barrier to enlightenment that needs breaking through.
I do tend to worry naturally about a lot of things, certain social obligations that put me with people i don't know well, used to worry me from months in advance. They no longer worry me much, perhaps brief moments here and there, but i wonder if the anxiety is just a physical remnant of something i mentally no longer worry about?
 

[FirstglimpseOMG]

Some folks can smoke pot and never have it become a big deal. I'm really just suggesting that if you are ready to regain your life, grow, transform, transcend the low stuff or the low consciousness about it, and just discover some peace and happiness to work from, if you struggle, (many are I think, I do) maybe adding anxiety at this time by quitting the weed habit won't help at all. Just as much can be said for eliminating it, dealing with the added bumps and to keep moving along the path to freedom and contentment, sweetness and joy and happiness. It's a very personal preference I'm sure, and you reserve the right to enjoy or change up your habits as you see fit at any time. And it's not a destination I don't think, the whole enlightenment thing. It's a sinking into your heart and a recognizing what mind, body and ego are, and what you aren't, minimizing all this friggin' needless and useless suffering, and allowing your true nature to shine through, and I believe for most people it's slower and incremental. Doesn't mean someone who's trying to lose 100 pounds isn't joyful and inspired after losing the first twenty.

 

[JustinS]

Easily put, your mind is addicted to stimulations and especially marijuana. Weed out all the addictive behaviors of constant cravings and aversion and be still. Slowly and gently cut the weed out and learn to calm the mind naturally. This won't happen overnight but have some faith.