Thoughts on actualized after not following teachings for over a year.

[digitalkaine]

I really struggle with coming to terms with what Actualized has done for me personally. I want to be as honest as possible when I say this and try to keep it short.


I discovered Actualized in 2013/14 ish and watched on and off for years until about 2020-2021. I was in a toxic and abusive relationship with an ex girlfriend and watching Actualized actually helped me get out of it just by allowing me to love myself and love my ex while allowing things to just be as they are and develop boundaries and respect for myself. 

I was able to tell when I was being manipulated and was able to set my foot down in many instances and eventually was able to move out and live on my own and have my own life. Looking back on it now it was really minor in comparison to what I'm dealing with now. 

Everything was going decent, not perfect but better then the toxic mess I was in during that time. Then one day in late 2021 I ended up getting sick and developing an autoimmune disease (Unvaccianted) and since then things have kind of steadily spiraled out of control.(Also when i stopped consuming Actualized content regularly)

Firstly, it was really hard for me to understand and talk to other girls after our relationship and getting sick made things 10x worse but I eventually pulled myself out of it and I was even able to date someone briefly for a little while this year. ATP I'm single I would like to be in a relationship ofc and I've come to understand I'm actually deserving of love in any state where as before I kind of didnt feel that way however, I'm in no place to even worry about a relationship right now because of my living situation, health, finacnes. Everything is just completely fucked.

I really dont want to come in here and complain but this is the only place where I feel like people might understand where I'm coming from because I feel like everything Actualized has taught has resonated with me deeply and I dont know anyone else in real life who kind of understands reality on this level. I dont frequent the boards. I dont particpate in conversations to be honest I dont even care to, but this place feels like home when things dont make sense maybe because the content itself has helped me through rough times and understand myself better (I'm hoping at least). I really only come here when I have issues and or questions and sometimes I get decent responses.


I'm really emberassed to say all this but I'm a felon over some really stupid shit in 2016 I was caught with a tablet of Alprozlam after leaving a party, I would have had a misdemenour however I failed the drug program and it landed me with 1 and half years probation and a felony. Since my felony of course its been hard to find good jobs, but in all honesty it doesnt even matter because I'm so irresponsible that even if I do have a good job I ended up calling out alot and fucking it off because I hate working. 

Thats not the worst of my issues, I was so broke last year that I actually had to end up moving back in with my ex after not living with her all year. On top of that my dog and her dog ended up having 7 puppies. We were able to get rid of 3 but I was not able to find homes for the other 4 and now we have 6 dogs in a small 3 bedroom house. I do my absolute best to care for them and make sure they get love and attention while i find them homes but shit just isnt really working. I feel like a piece of shit most of the time because I cant believe that I allowed for something like this to happen. I'm dirt poor and my ex is barley ever here because shes usually with her new boyfriend and the house is so dirty but everyday I bust my ass to clean it and all the money I do make making art goes to the dogs and then me buying fucking coffee and meals for myself.
 

In 2012 before I discovered actaulized I was actually on the road to becoming famous and making alot of money producing music for a hip hop group that was blowing up at that time. Then around 2020 I had another brush with success doing cover art for really big artists but ended up just self sabotoging it all away to shit. Now I'm basically like an internet bum boarderline begging for musicians to pay me next to nothing to make art so I can survive everyday. 

It actually wasn't until today that I realized that the way I see myself is the reason things are the way they are. I'm worth way more then what I charge and I realize that and I actually allowed myself to get to this point. I actually made a promise to myself that I would never sell myself short again when it came to my artwork I dont care how much I struggle. 

I just want to be as honest as possible so hopefully maybe I could get some decent advice if anyones willing to offer, I'm absolutely retarded with money. I literally got 3000 dollars in the begining of this year and I bought a ps5 and some burberry glasses. I love fashion and more often then not since the time I was about 18 I would have no problem going broke so I can buy shit that I could not afford just to look cool. Sometimes I did make enough money to pay for everything but more often then not Id be working check to check and then spend alot of money on clothes just because I liked wearing designer. I was poor my whole childhood but always liked dressing different and then in high school I learned about designer clothes and ofc I became consumed by it. I dont know how to save I dont know how to do shit but spend. 

Its been like this since forever. My dad is also horrible with money hes literally in his 50s and hes so perfect and awesome at everything in his life but I can tell he still struggles financially. He bought me like 30 dollars worth of food and gave me 15 dollars the other day and I broke into tears for the first time in like over a year or two because I could tell he didnt really have it but just wanted to help me out. 

The thing that sucks about this all is I'm so fucking talented that its a shame that I'm where Im at right now. Not to mention I've made so much money over the past decade all on my own. I've for sure made more money than my mom and dad combined just by doing art and making music and I'm so grateful for that shit but I have nothing to fucking show for it and even more then that I feel like I was supposed to help so many people out. I have so many artist friends who make music and are into fashion and I feel like I'm so selfish because theres no reason that I couldnt have built my platform up and then used it to bring them up and now instead Im sitting here watching them do their best and charging them for stuff when I dont even really want to but have to just beacuse I have to eat. 

I know people see me online and think I fell off and tbh that doesnt really matter to me I always have hope regardless and I dont care about being "on" really. I just keep working and working and working. 

I desperately just want to live of my art. and not just live but thrive. I have huge dreams when it comes to it and I know everyone who knows me believes in me but I'm my own enemy they can see that too. I cant lie when I say I want to be rich and actually use my platform to influence ppl and just help others and I absolutely believe its possible and if I'm dellusional I dont really care but I've been pretty open and honest with people about this and no ones ever said yeah dude like its time to do something else. When me and my dad talks he never says you need to man up and get a job I mean he does say that sometimes, but more often then not hes just always trying to tell me ways I can maybe find new people to market my art to.  My mom does try to get me to get into ultrasound because thats what she does and its stable and I actually agree with her and want to look into it. 

The whole reason for this post is because I feel like when I stopped watching actualized after I got sick my whole worldview changed. I remeber I actaully had quite a bit of resentment because I couldnt understand how I was supposed to be all loving and seeing death as some sort of illusion when my body was literally turning on me. I went through so much shit and till this day my body does shit that scares the fuck out of me. My heart is completely fucked. The last time it was good was in Feb last year after fasting for over 14 days and strictly eating nothing but fruits and veggies for 2 months. Now its like everyday its palpataions and pain and odd sensations. I want to fast and change my diet but my money situation is so fucked that I cant eat the food I want to. 

I really got turned off by Actualized and it wasnt because the content was bad but I'm realizing its just so fucking advanced and deep that its hard for me to actually sit there and watch it and think about certain things I dont want to face realities it presents. I'm still into self help content but I can tell nothing really compares to actualized as far as youtube goes. I watch mostly feel good shit/redpill type shit (joe dispenza, Impact theory,hamza, Jullien, owen cook.) and while some of those guys are really good I can just tell that it doesnt really compare to what Leo teaches. 

I also struggle with an internal conflict which makes me not want to go back to watching it because I would like to feel as if, if my life is good then I feel like it would be insincere if I was only able to attribute it to me consuming the content. I would like it to come from inside whether or not the content is there or not but maybe that takes more time and more understanding. I also tune in anytime Leo drops a new video but the last ones dont really have the same affect but it could also be because I'm constantly polluting myself with so much other shit. 

I'm coming to the conclusion that I'm actually going to give it another go. I would like to take it seriously as possible but my discernment also makes me feel very gaurded and kind of less open then I originally was when I was first into it. I'm not a psychonaut at all, I've done alot of psychedellics but its never been because of actualized those things have always been seperate tbh. The only time I ever even mixed the two was a time I took shrooms and caught the solipsism episode. The reason I say this is because me and my friends talked about Actualized alot when I was super heavy into it. I stopped hanging out with my best friend of 15 years for like 8 months and when I came back he told me Actualized was a cult after watching a Turkey Tom video LOL. We joke about it now but hes told me I've been in multiple cults especially after I came back and told him what Joe Dispenza was talking about. He just knows thats how I am.

The funny thing is when I was really into actaulized before i got sick I could tell the stuff I was telling them was actually clicking and making sense and opening him and his girlfriend up to new perspectives. They changed alot and I feel like it was because of me and I also changed to because of them but its mostly because I was able to be so open.  We're all alot less selfish and we actually care for and love each other as friends his gf is feminest communist and im like opposite of whatever that is but we're genuinely best of friends. 

Overall even though my life is relatively shitty and I want to desperately do better I'm able to maintain a state of peace more often then not. I know people have it way worse. I'm just drowning in my financial situation and need to do something fast because I need to take care of these dogs.

These past 4 months I was actually able to quit a 10 year long weed addiction along with quitting vaping and all other drugs which is huge for me because I was a huge drug guy. I spent most of my childhood hating drugs weed especially because everyone around me was always fucking high, my mom, my dad, my aunt, uncles, cousins, grandpa, grandma, friends you name it. I went through most of my teenage years being sober because I thought drugs were lame and I just wanted to be different and then I decided one day that when my best friend got off probabtion I would start smoking weed and I hate to say that I really feel like that fucked off most of the success I was supposed to experience. I used to have so much energy before that I remember I was a different person before weed.

Along with quitting weed I quit a 18 year long porn addiction which was super fucking huge for me. I genuienly feel alot better now because of it and I dont think I'll ever go back to watching it. I dont judge it and maybe my mind has kind of been warped by all the self help content I consume daily but I do feel a lil grossed out by it now. 

I think staying off drugs has helped my art so much I used to take so long to finish clients commissions but now I finish shit so quick and I'm way more focused and driven. 

That along with the fact that I can meditate for hours daily makes me really proud to be honest. 

My only issues is because I have nothing else to distract myself with at times I eat really bad especially because I'm poor and I cant fucking stop drinking coffee. Those two things combined are destroying my heart and body i can tell...

Sorry for long wall of text, I would love to talk to a therapist but its just not in the cards at the moment and idk like I said Actualized just feels like home sometimes. I dont think theres any right or wrong answers to any of this shit at times but I was watching "How to fall in love with life" last night after not seeing anything in a while and I was just like damn Leo is really on point with so much shit in comparison to alot of other youtubers who while they are helping they do seem like they are trying to sell you something. When Leo puts you onto things he's not just saying yeah this is just a fact, hes saying try it for yourself and experience it and decide whether or not its true. 

In a sense I almost kind of feel bad because I believe in the content so much that it kind of sucks that my life is the way that it is. But at the end of the day I can tell its because I just wasnt applying myself the best that I could. I'm going to give it another go around. I think it will help me gain a healthier mindset and self image. I dont hate myself like I used to but I just know I'm meant to be "more" and even if thats like a relative concept I just know if I was hitting on all points I would actually be able to live off and do great things with my art which is most imporatant to me. 

Thank anyone reading this and I love yall, any constructive critism is welcome.

 

sorry for grammar and spelling too. 

(TL;DR I think Actualized content is way more advanced than any teachings you're going to see on youtube. I can't tell if its a good thing or not but I can genuinely say it has helped me more than mostly any other content I might have consumed. I could be wrong all together but this is just genuinely how I feel.)

Edited August 24, 2023 by digitalkaine

[itsadistraction]

Yes we all love this content, that's why we are here. Glad it's helped you too. 

[HMD]

Look, you have to make a commitment to yourself to be the best version of yourself. To fulfill your potential. I mean it looks to me like you are living life at 40%. You do not have the drive to become the best version of yourself at 40%. You have to be all in this shit. Make that commitment, that you will become the best at everything. Make that the north star that guides you through everything. Wake up every day and ask yourself how do I become better. Take full ownership. That's the key. 100% responsibility. Brutal Accountability. 

I mean, you live in one of the most prosperous countries in the world. You have unlimited opportunities around you. You can work two jobs while you get your art thing going. You are an educated person, you can read books related to money management and money psychology. You can start doing visualization exercises along with affirmation. I recommend the affirmation "Every day in every way I am getting better and better". 

But the point is, when you have a high arching goal like becoming the best version of yourself, then you will take full responsibility for your life, and that is the key that unlocks alll other things 

 

[toasty7718]

2 minutes ago, HMD said:

Look, you have to make a commitment to yourself to be the best version of yourself. To fulfill your potential. I mean it looks to me like you are living life at 40%. You do not have the drive to become the best version of yourself at 40%. You have to be all in this shit. Make that commitment, that you will become the best at everything. Make that the north star that guides you through everything. Wake up every day and ask yourself how do I become better. Take full ownership. That's the key. 100% responsibility. Brutal Accountability. 

I mean, you live in one of the most prosperous countries in the world. You have unlimited opportunities around you. You can work two jobs while you get your art thing going. You are an educated person, you can read books related to money management and money psychology. You can start doing visualization exercises along with affirmation. I recommend the affirmation "Every day in every way I am getting better and better". 

But the point is, when you have a high arching goal like becoming the best version of yourself, then you will take full responsibility for your life, and that is the key that unlocks alll other things 

"Just go to the gym bro trust me."

His situation is a lot more complex and nuanced than you may think it is.

[HMD]

23 minutes ago, toasty7718 said:

"Just go to the gym bro trust me."

His situation is a lot more complex and nuanced than you may think it is.

I gave my brother the big picture. He can figure out the nuances for himself if he has the big picture in place. Inspiration works better than direct advice. 

[digitalkaine]

2 hours ago, HMD said:

Look, you have to make a commitment to yourself to be the best version of yourself. To fulfill your potential. I mean it looks to me like you are living life at 40%. You do not have the drive to become the best version of yourself at 40%. You have to be all in this shit. Make that commitment, that you will become the best at everything. Make that the north star that guides you through everything. Wake up every day and ask yourself how do I become better. Take full ownership. That's the key. 100% responsibility. Brutal Accountability. 

I mean, you live in one of the most prosperous countries in the world. You have unlimited opportunities around you. You can work two jobs while you get your art thing going. You are an educated person, you can read books related to money management and money psychology. You can start doing visualization exercises along with affirmation. I recommend the affirmation "Every day in every way I am getting better and better". 

But the point is, when you have a high arching goal like becoming the best version of yourself, then you will take full responsibility for your life, and that is the key that unlocks alll other things 

 

I'll be honest this is the mindset I have most of the time. I hate the idea of being a victim and I feel like everything is in my control all the time.  I appreciate the inspiriation seriously. I just wish I understood my own psychology more enough to understand what makes me not hit on all points in my life. I've been able to make great strides from time to time but in reality the thing that eats me up is the fact that I'm so irresponsible.

I visualize literally everyday and I am big into affirmations. Sometimes they work sometimes they dont and for a while I actually gave up on the whole "we create our reality" Thing but instictually I really feel that way and the only thing that has made me feel otherwise was the fact that I was high and self conscious. 

I appreciate it though I will make an honest effort to actually do what you mentioned. I know even if it doesnt fix my internal issues it will actually make my life easier in certain aspects. 

[digitalkaine]

2 hours ago, toasty7718 said:

"Just go to the gym bro trust me."

His situation is a lot more complex and nuanced than you may think it is.

I see what you're saying as well. I do appreciate that type of advice in all honesty. I know its not the answer to all my questions because you are right my situation and my psychology is nuanced and complex along with the world and society its not as easy as me just staying fully committed to being the best me. I really dont have anyone that gives that type of advice in my life though so it is kind of nice mostly everyone around me kind of enables me to just be the way I am.

Nobody is ever real with me, I'm not looking for like respect or to be coddled I really want an honest opinion or response so I can better understand myself. Sometimes other perspectives really help with that, I feel like everyones too nice and its cool I mean we all need that at times but I'm just interested in seeing things from a different perspective.