Fear of Messing up my Biochemistry prevents me from trying Psychedelics

[Mormegil]

Not sure if this thread belongs to the mental health or the psychedelic category.. Basically I have a deep irrational fear whenever I take even harmless substances like weed (and lately even from very normal pharmaceutical products and medications), that something bad might happen to my body and/or mind, something like a seizure (I'm epileptic), allergic reaction or whatever else that crosses my mind in that moment. Basically whenever I take a drug that changes something about my biochemistry I get scared that it will mess something up inside of me. These fears can lead to severe panic attacks, like mentioned from small stuff like a little bit weed or normal medication... I was really hoping to try out some psychedelics at some point, but I just don't see this happening right now, as these fears got worse over the last months due to some health issues.

I feel really stuck in my spiritual practice and am really unsure how to proceed and how to get more progress. I understand that meditation can only get you so far and for deeper understanding, insights or even Awakening psychedelics are a must. But at the moment I'm afraid this is just not possible, because I know 100 % that my fear and panic will just lead me straight to bad trips. I already experienced one trippy-like state from an overdose of weed and also horrible experiences and panic attacks from that, and this whole experience just showed me how fragile our everyday consciousness is and what a massive impact even a small alteration of this state can have on one's wellbeing. Although in a sense I'm also grateful for this experience, cause I already went one time through the experience of some sort of tripping gone bad.

I sometimes manage to watch and observe my fears of course, and it's so crazy and ridiculous how my mind constantly comes up with new things to be afraid of. Even after years or even decades of being afraid of one thing specific situation, my mind sometimes still creates new fears over time, about things that I never worried about before (it's also fascinating if you think about it how the mind works).

The main problem I see is that those fears (or just fear in general) are so deeply programmed into my mind/brain since earliest childhood. Being constantly anxious is sadly basically part of my personality, plus the experience of several early childhood traumas, lead me to believe now that I need a whole lifetime to overcome this shit and that I already have enough to do by working on managing normal everyday life and experiencing the sober state without any fear or panic.. I'm afraid I will never get to the point where I feel mentally strong and stable enough to try psychedelics..

Is anyone struggling with similar problems, like severe fear of psychedelics that prevents him from taking them?

Edited July 14, 2023 by Mormegil

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

I feel you cause I share mostly what u have said. Maybe u are in a survival fight or flight mode, even if you do not feel it directly. So everything that could possibly put u into danger your mind will amplify that 100 times. 
I took 5 meo Dmt in a really anxious baseline state still doing it ,sometimes even weed. 
U can experiment take it easy don’t go fully into big experiences.

maybe give a try to somatic trauma release exercises they can chill you down 

[Mormegil]

22 minutes ago, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

I took 5 meo Dmt in a really anxious baseline state

How did that go for you?

 

23 minutes ago, Giulio Bevilacqua said:

U can experiment take it easy don’t go fully into big experiences.

I'm right now planning to wait until weed gets legalized here soon, then I'll probably start with this in small doses until I manage to take it without any anxiety kicking in... Don't know how long that'll take but I guess it's the best for the start, after maybe MDMA or mushrooms in very small doses.

[Giulio Bevilacqua]

1 hour ago, Mormegil said:

How did that go for you?

 

I'm right now planning to wait until weed gets legalized here soon, then I'll probably start with this in small doses until I manage to take it without any anxiety kicking in... Don't know how long that'll take but I guess it's the best for the start, after maybe MDMA or mushrooms in very small doses.

It went good. Did not try a full breakthrough cause I am in delicate situation right now. But the after effects were pretty positive. I am  Experiencing a hard situation  but at the bottom there was a feeling of ok this is alright even if it lasts forever. The dosage was very low so the effects of healing went away prestty soon would say around 1 day. 
Weed pushes anxiety to the full circle ahaha with me. But one day it did a great job like a reiki session in my bladder, felt this warm water moving.

There will be some anxiety always in my opinion before a trip that’s normal, some agitation or worry is normal and even safe. Obviously don’t get neurotic about that.  Your plan sounds good 

[Yimpa]

I’m no expert, but what about the air that you breathe? The food that you eat? The water you drink? Surely there’s a bunch of suspicious stuff there, yet you don’t stop breathing, eating, or drinking.

[Mormegil]

5 hours ago, Yimpa said:

I’m no expert, but what about the air that you breathe? The food that you eat? The water you drink? Surely there’s a bunch of suspicious stuff there, yet you don’t stop breathing, eating, or drinking.

Of course that's what makes those fears irrational! At some level it gets ridiculous the more you think about it, like I mentioned in the beginning, getting panicked after taking a regular medication from the drug store is nothing logical.. But it's there and I have to deal with it somehow...

Anyway, your comments brings new perspective to this and sometimes re-contextualizations like this help a lot with fear... Especially when it makes the absurdity of the fear so obvious^^ Thank you!