Getting to know a girl outside of work.

[Chives99]

So I've been flirting back and forth with a girl at work I just suck a bit of knowing how to progress things outside of the workplace with timing and not wanting to come on to strong etc. 

So a good few weeks ago a coworker was chanting to her friend and asked me how old I was and wanting to know if i dated around much felt like 20 questions lol " have you had a girlfriend before", but then i heard her talk about another guy so i just took that as not interested and forgot about her. I then went away for a week and when I came back she must have missed me and wondered where I had gone cause she started flirting and engaging in convo a lot

I walked into the office and she said in front of our coworkers " I'm your favourite aren't I charlie" I responded with "shhh not  supposed to tell people its a secret, don't want people getting jealous now" . Her friend was poking holes in this drinks packaging out of boredom and I was "having fun there" she responded  " yeah you want have a go at fingering a hole" and I heard the other girl mutter " you can finger me" but my boss had me called me then so i didnt have time to react.

Throughout the day I caught her making glances and making an effort at convo with her friend engaging as well.

Her friend later came to me at the coffee machine and was like "Sarah was asking if you had a girlfriend, so i told her that you had one" and I responded with " Well i dont why would u say that, uhh i dont have time for your mind games " in a playful manner. I could then see sarah looking at me later from across the room for my reaction.

She and her friend made later attempts at little bits of convo.

 

I sent her a friend request 2 days later which she accepted pretty much straight away.

 

I just dont really know how to progress from here, cause I'm not going to see her all the time at work only on some days, I was thinking about chatting on facebook to show interest and build rapport as well but not really good with openers and I feel like its the guys job to make the first move, I could ask her how her weekends been and what she got up to as a basic opener but than could be a bit boring not really engaging, but then again if her interest level is high enough as suppose it wouldnt matter, I could also try talking about hobbies etc at work then talking about it more on  line after a break of seeing her.

 

This part here is the only bit im insecure about I'm autistic and struggle to believe a girl would actually like me but im sure thats just my shitty self esteem talking , I dont want to come on to strong but also want to find a nice middle ground to get to know each other outside of work before asking her out, would appreciate other peoples experiences with messaging a girl or a guy for the first time, how it went and how you got convo going cause otherwise she'll just get bored and some other guy with get in there. 

[NoSelfSelf]

Im not sure if you would want to potentially mess up your job situation over a woman ...

[Chives99]

@NoSelfSelf ive got another job that i start in a months time, so it doesnt matter

Edited April 11, 2023 by Chives99

[NoSelfSelf]

@Chives99 Great then,only thing i can tell you is not about her but you,being afraid she will say no is what makes you stuck or what you think what she would like to hear or you do.

In ideal situation you should not care and tell her what you really want and lead her by telling her in detail what you want.

Like: You seem like a fun person to be around and want to get to know you better outside of work setting to find out if you are really what im looking for i have this place where they serve some really good ice cream(or whatever) explain to her why you love that place...then say when you are free and if that would be good time to acompany you on mutual discovery of eachother...

Edited April 11, 2023 by NoSelfSelf

[Chives99]

@NoSelfSelf I guess you could say whats bothering me is not whether I get a reply or not but whether I get the social rule or cue wrong, I feel I need the perfect system, because if my action isnt the appropriate one id feel like a social failureor social idiot, but then my friends say if u do nothing , nothing will ever happen.

[NoSelfSelf]

@Chives99 I look it like this: belief in yourself comes from allowing every experience to happen because you belive you know you can overcome it then nervousness etc. is ironically not there, if you want to control every bit and having a system you will always be afraid because you are trying to control the reality which you cant control you can only control how you going to do things and rest is not up to you.Controling every bit is cause of your stress because its not possible to control everything. Control yourself not enviorment if you can dominate over yourself then outside doesnt matter.Create a system that doesnt involve anybody but you...

Thats why in Fight club movie its a great quote:Self improvement is masturbation(because you are trying to ease the pain) while self destruction(going through the pain that will make you grow)...

Social thing is in your head if you swap it with just what you want and there to do then social stuff doesnt matter.

Supressing who you are(your autism) even if things works will just be a beggining of a relationship based on a lie that will always make you worry...

Thats all i can give as an advice

Edited April 13, 2023 by NoSelfSelf

[Dauntment]

I go along with the conventional advice that dating within the workplace or a coworker is not really a wise decision, but if you ARE going to follow through with it then STEP. STRONG. This is always missed by so many guys: If you WANT the girl, then behave accordingly. Typically, the more time that passes with a woman and you didn't "shoot your shot", the less probable that will be. 

* Every day you spend "not closing the deal" is another day missed with her

* Uncertainty within you, as a man ("The Leader" in relationships, conventionally speaking) will pour over into the relationship; Relationships don't SOLVE this, it must come from YOU. (External does not change Internal)

* Here a brutal truth (I love hitting this point of view): So....if you are "emotionally disrupted" by the pitiful idea of "will you get a reply or not".....what do you think would become of the relationship? (I am being dead f****g serious here, do this thought experiment). Lets assume that "she does reply", this won't solve the root issue but only "kick the can down the road" to re-open the same problem with a different pitiful idea (example: she has some errand/activity that involves another guy/friend).

Good luck my guy

[Chives99]

@NoSelfSelf @NoSelfSelf Thats solid advice thanks , I guess ill just have to do trial and error and get massive experience  intuition will know what to do.

[Chives99]

1 hour ago, Dauntment said:

I go along with the conventional advice that dating within the workplace or a coworker is not really a wise decision, but if you ARE going to follow through with it then STEP. STRONG. This is always missed by so many guys: If you WANT the girl, then behave accordingly. Typically, the more time that passes with a woman and you didn't "shoot your shot", the less probable that will be. 

* Every day you spend "not closing the deal" is another day missed with her

* Uncertainty within you, as a man ("The Leader" in relationships, conventionally speaking) will pour over into the relationship; Relationships don't SOLVE this, it must come from YOU. (External does not change Internal)

* Here a brutal truth (I love hitting this point of view): So....if you are "emotionally disrupted" by the pitiful idea of "will you get a reply or not".....what do you think would become of the relationship? (I am being dead f****g serious here, do this thought experiment). Lets assume that "she does reply", this won't solve the root issue but only "kick the can down the road" to re-open the same problem with a different pitiful idea (example: she has some errand/activity that involves another guy/friend).

Good luck my guy

I'm not actually insecure about loosing her to another guy so thts not one if have to be concerned about, but i see what you mean by its the attitude of not taking action that will sabotage me, some things will work and some things wont but i have to confident to try them out, thanks for your response

[NoSelfSelf]

@Chives99 ?