"intimacy"

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia

yes, i think i see what you're trying to say:) thank you

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

Can you give examples if you don't mind 

literally anything that's perceived as "negative" or challenging in life or social interaction. it can be really small, random things. 

[Judy2]

51 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

I haven't read much about anorexia but I remember i read that it's essentially a fixation on childish strategies, which is in line with my idea.
Not necessarily prohibiting yourself from playing at "being saved," but adding more "voracious" masks to your persona that will make you tend towards a naturally "bigger" and healthier character; if what I'm saying makes sense.

you are correct. in my mind, at least, there's a strong association with innocence. i felt extremely innocent when i looked like i do in those pictures. 

 

i don't think many people will be interested in this, and it won't say much to you, either, but this is sort of the dynamic i am writing my thesis about, too. i am writing about the female protagonists of two Victorian novels, who are very much infantilised and "innocent". one of them is a complete victim and is exploited for it, the other is more smart about it and uses masquerade to "act cute" and prompt men around her to protect her. there's also a painting of her that portrays her in a different light, revealing the more sexual facets of her personality, which is quite shocking to the men who only know her as the cute, innocent, childish "angel in the house". coincidentally, the novels also both include a discourse on female insanity   ...so in other words, i find these two protagonists quite relatable lol:) 

Edited August 15 by Judy2

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia i still feel triggered. but it's ok:)

[Schizophonia]

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

@Schizophonia

yes, i think i see what you're trying to say:) thank you

literally anything that's perceived as "negative" or challenging in life or social interaction. it can be really small, random things. 

Can you give an exemple if you don't mind

🤔👺

I insist on having specific examples, as much as possible, to target the limiting beliefs that generate wacky behavior.

I don't know if that's it, but for example: OK, when I'm anorexic (I think that) it pushes people to be nice to me, whereas if I'm healthy they'll allow themselves to be harsher "because after all it's okay, she can handle it"; something like that.

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

you are correct. in my mind, at least, there's a strong association with innocence. i felt extremely innocent when i looked like i do in those pictures. 

Something that also comes to mind is the belief that physical maturity is the abandonment of innocence.
A slightly chubby girl who loves to cook and eat cakes 🤗🤗🤗 is also very "innocent" and cute, even if she's overweight and full of estrogen.
Even a guy, even a virile guy! There are even plenty of kind and simple androgenous rugby players.
The "softness" frequency isn't systematically linked to physical appearance.

It is you who are experiencing a frequency of control that is the opposite of innocence.

Maybe, indeed, if that's what happens when you're anorexic, people are a little more lenient with you, and they'd be more harsh with you if you're healthy because "she's healthy now anyway," even if it sounds a bit paranoid, but you'll gain a lot more in the exchange.
Because suddenly, you can socialize more (because you no longer need to police yourself about your diet and your physique); you can easily develop a social circle who like you and then maybe get a boyfriend (more difficult, but honestly, it's the same everywhere, and you're not ugly at all, so with a little effort, it won't be too complicated, eheh).

Quote

i don't think many people will be interested in this, and it won't say much to you, either, but this is sort of the dynamic i am writing my thesis about, too. i am writing about the female protagonists of two Victorian novels, who are very much infantilised and "innocent". one of them is a complete victim and is exploited for it, the other is more smart about it and uses masquerade to "act cute" and prompt men around her to protect her. there's also a painting of her that portrays her in a different light, revealing the more sexual facets of her personality, which is quite shocking to the men who only know her as the cute, innocent, childish "angel in the house". coincidentally, the novels also both include a discourse on female insanity   ...so in other words, i find these two protagonists quite relatable lol:) 

I see.

2 hours ago, Judy2 said:

@Schizophonia i still feel triggered. but it's ok:)

Good 

👺

Edited August 15 by Schizophonia

[Judy2]

36 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Can you give an exemple if you don't mind

for example when i'm on holiday with family, we're sat in the car and my parents have an argument.

or when my dad had his clutter lying around, or when he excessicely scratches his breakfast bowl with the spoon.

or the pressure of getting marks at school

- it all points to emotional vulnerability, in my experience. so these are the situations that being too skinny could shield me from. in my mind it could protect me from anything that's bad in the world, because physiologically, my number one issue was being malnourished...and so the neediness inherent in that automatically made everything else seem less important, at least in theory. plus, i could always tell myself that the world i'll recover in will be much nicer, but i'm not there yet, so i must wait and restrict and keep dreaming...basically:)

essentially, it's just much safer on the sidelines of life, if you can always tell yourself life isn't there yet...and how perfect life could be when it finally starts. so the conscious restriction enabled a lot of fantasising about an ideal parallel universe where i was allowed to fully be there, exist, and feel alive. a universe without conflict, without contrast, and without anything that could hurt me even when i'm "actually there".

by not eating (or undereating), it was as though i wasn't really alive, and that was kind of useful to not be there for all the things that weren't right...but it also meant i couldn't be fully there for the things that were good. which didn't seem to be a problem because fantasising about the perfect life was much better anyway...plus, i engaged in these perfect fantasies from a place of perfect safety, not really living, but still existing in a body that i found overwhelmingly special and it was a huge ego boost that i could be that skinny.

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia when i encounter other people who are underweight, i don't perceive all of them to look "oh so innocent". some of them, yes, but not all. that's interesting for me to register, for sure. 

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

"she's healthy now anyway," even if it sounds a bit paranoid, but you'll gain a lot more in the exchange.

Because suddenly, you can socialize more (because you no longer need to police yourself about your diet and your physique); you can easily develop a social circle who like you and then maybe get a boyfriend (more difficult, but honestly, it's the same everywhere, and you're not ugly at all, so with a little effort, it won't be too complicated, eheh).

this may be odd, but for years there's been quite a bit of sadness concerning the tragedy i perceive in this.

when i was at my lowest (and, in my mind, most beautiful), i rarely had the energy to socialise, and i had to have quite rigid routines to somehow make the energy deficit bearable...and then through recovery, suddenly people start seeing me more, and to me it's totally tragic that no one saw me when i was really skinny, because that's the me i wanted to be seen the most.

 

when i was in high-school and had my phases of trying to recover, one of the worst triggers used to be the "oh you look so much better already!" type of comments (mostly imaginary ones). it felt really painful to me that people wouldn't understand how, oftentimes, regaining the weight is so much more exhausting mentally, than is being underweight. somehow people assume that girls who are anorexic only weightrestore because magically, their mind has been fixed while underweight, and now they don't want it anymore. the reality is that it takes a lot of courage to push through with recovery despite an internal split, and usually the time when the weight has been restored but the mind still needs to catch up is the hardest, and the most vulnerable. because emotionally, many things are still the same but you no longer have a body to show it, and so people assume you're fine when you're still struggling.

this has been a HUGE trigger for me for many years, and i guess it's probably the same for others, and people don't really understand this...so if anything, i wish to raise some awareness around this. anorexics don't just gain weight because suddenly they changed their mind and no longer want to be skinny. it's a really difficult, painful process of leaving this addiction behind, and the mind can't just switch off all the old beliefs associated with the image of being emaciated. even when weight restored, concerns around body image and everything related to it can still be really, really loud. eating disorders are mental disorders, restriction and its physical consequences are a symptom. if an alcoholic decides to quit drinking, doesn't mean his mind is cured. same goes for eating disorders.

Edited August 15 by Judy2

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

Good 

👺

how?

[Insignious]

@Judy2 hey what is this post about?

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Insignious said:

@Judy2 hey what is this post about?

which one?

[Judy2]

i have been thinking that it would be good for me to take some time off from the forum. journalling can sometimes turn into a bit of a compulsion for me, and i tend to feel as though i can outsource some of my problems in life by writing about them. 

...so i'll try my best to be present moving forward, and see again how it feels to confront challenging situations in life without needing to relate them on paper/online.

as much as this journal and this forum can be a bit of a safety net, i think it's also important for me to see that i don't depend on it. luckily, i have multiple counsellors at this point, so with anything that i may need help with, there'll be support available. 

another reason for my planned break is that i feel that i should eliminate any distractions that this place may represent, and instead focus my mental energies on finishing my studies in the months to come.

i'll try my best to be well and take good care of myself while absent from this place, and use it as an opportunity to become even more present with myself, from moment to moment...without the need to write about everything that's going on:) and with full permission to simply be for being's sake, and to feel for feeling's sake.

will probably be back in a few months and i wish you all a good time until then🙏🏻 

[MuadDib]

Inspirational.

...Tolle dropped out

[Judy2]

Just now, MuadDib said:

Inspirational.

...Tolle dropped out

😅

[Insignious]

On 16/08/2025 at 0:41 AM, Judy2 said:

which one?

@Judy2 hey what is this post about?

 

 

All of it?? I am kinda confused 🤔