"intimacy"

[Judy2]

10 hours ago, Insignious said:

Come don't hate on yourself 

Du Bist Gut Genug

idk if you are German, but we get a youth word of the year every year and there's this lady from the evening news who reads out all the words that we can vote on. just before i came here, i watched a video where she read Du Bist Gut Genug with a really freaky voice lol. personally, i'm not that into the song...but it's a funny coincidence that that's the last bit of the video i watched, and then there's your message:)

 

i don't always hate myself. it's just words i wrote when i was having a bad day. sometimes i also like myself, the world, and the thoughts in my head. 

[Judy2]

i had my last exam of the term today, then spent the evening with three friends from uni, which was quite nice:)

today marks the end of my first four months in this town and the first term of studying psychology. i feel as though so much has happened in such a short amount of time, and figured i'd give a little update, now that i'm done studying for the summer.

all in all, i can say that things have shifted significantly since i've moved here. the first few weeks (in April and May) were rough, especially since i expected myself to adapt immediately, and i also had some trouble envisioning myself with that new identity of being a psychology student/becoming a psychologist.

after the initial shock, i am now quite comfortable with my programme. generally speaking, i work quite well in a system where i'm simply given a couple of hoops that i know i need to jump through. maybe that's a bad trait i have, and maybe this is procrastinating on major life decisions... but maybe it's also good to recognise that, for my mental health, it's not bad at all to be provided with such tight structure. the pressure to get good marks is a bit annoying, though, and in some instances, i would probably feel more positive appreciation of the study contents if i didn't have to learn all this with the goal in mind to tick the right boxes during the exams. 

alongside the more structured lifestyle, the other significant thing that's changed since i came here is my social life. there are people who i meet almost every other day, we study together, support each other, chat, and so on. in all the time i'd spent at school and university prior to this, i've never had such a rich social life. this shift is generally a good thing and quite enriching, but i can also tell that, even if i don't act it, i still feel quite insecure and wonder what the others think of me....if i'm "too much". i feel like i'm most definitely too much, but daren't ask or express this, either.

my relationship with food has generally improved a little bit since i came here. it's been almost completely new for me to eat with or around other people, but i am getting used to it and starting to be able to enjoy it, too. it's also quite helpful to have so many other things to do and focus on throughout the day that i do not have to think about food that much. body image at the moment is quite okay, sometimes even good. on some days, it's still bad. on other days, i'm a little more optimistic.

some ongoing problems are that i still judge myself for being "old", at least comparatively speaking. i still have a hard time finding out what career to pursue, and i judge that, too, because isn't that a bit problematic after taking 11 semesters to get my first undergraduate degree, then investing into a completely new degree from scratch without knowing where i want to go? so these are some things i still need to figure out as i keep going. 

Edited August 1 by Judy2

[Judy2]

not really doing great...i'm just kind of overwhelmed now, which i'd predicted would happen the second exams are over. 

idk what to do with myself, i'm not really happy, i notice a lot of discomfort with things that aren't quite right....

i also don't feel motivated to read the books i've been wanting to read and instead just scroll on YouTube. 

watching a series or something would be fine if i was relaxed and happy doing it, but i'm neither. things aren't urgently horrible, but dissatisfyingly "meh". 

[Judy2]

this morning, a friend and i went for a run by the river and ended up running 11 km. it was really nice and good for my psyche...also not even that exhausting as i entered a gentle, mellow flow-state.

 good start into the day:) 

[Judy2]

just now, i had a conversation with my mum about insurances. she responded in a bit of a snappy tone that i will have to tell any new insurance company that i've had anorexia in the past, and then they won't want to make me an offer. 

what she didn't say, but what i think was nonetheless evident in her tone, was blame, anger, maybe superiority. as if she could somehow reclaim her righteousness by presenting it as though my mental disease was born out of a void, out of mere teenage stupidity. it's easier for her to present it that way, after all this time. easier than to consider that something was "wrong" with our family that made developing anorexia exactly the right course of action for her daughter. perhaps there was some element of choice, yes, but my mother still doesn't see how this choice was born out of dire emotional necessity. 

sometimes i'm still a little sad that she doesn't understand, after all this time. i can accept that she doesn't, and maybe she never will, but i do feel a bearable amount of sadness when i think of this. 

 

[Judy2]

i'm on a yoga retreat this weekend (my first one ever) and so far, it is a surprisingly positive experience.

[Yimpa]

5 hours ago, Judy2 said:

i'm on a yoga retreat this weekend (my first one ever) and so far, it is a surprisingly positive experience.

yaaaay! that sounds like so much fun and super relaxing! 

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, Yimpa said:

yaaaay! that sounds like so much fun and super relaxing! 

i was a bit scared that it might be too difficult, because i've attended yoga classes before where i couldn't keep up.

but the instructor here is really nice and the pace is quite gentle.

[Yimpa]

On 8/29/2026 at 10:23 AM, Judy2 said:

i was a bit scared that it might be too difficult, because i've attended yoga classes before where i couldn't keep up.

but the instructor here is really nice and the pace is quite gentle.

That’s so great to hear! I am proud of you for doing the yoga retreat and getting a new perspective on it  

[Judy2]

last night, i had to sleep at a hostel that was way too loud and busy for my liking, and it didn't feel like a particularly safe place to sleep in. i woke up startled by noises several times, and when i drifted off to sleep again, my dreams reflected the sense of unsafety.

i dreamed of a tortoise whose carapace had cracked, and then it had slipped out completely and was lying there, exposed and naked, maybe dying. it felt like a familiar image that i'd dreamed of before....like a threat that had been lingering at the back of my mind for quite some time. my brother has a pet tortoise, so i have actually pondered this before during my waking hours. i remember feeling pity for my tortoise....a bit of guilt, too. maybe it was my fault that its carapace had cracked. then i wondered if i could get to a vet in time to help it heal again.

after some time, i was blessed to find myself with a baby in my arms that i nursed, which was quite calming to the both of us. maybe at that point, i was able to allow myself to relax into sleep again.

Edited August 31 by Judy2

[Judy2]

today was one of the worst days i have had in a while, and also the worst airport experience ever.

i got up at 1 (could have slept longer but didn't wanna risk it), drove to the airport, and at 4.15am i was told that i wasn't allowed to board my 6.20am plane and should wait until 1pm instead (i should have been home by then). so i hung out at the airport all morning, which was super boring. then two planes, and at 6pm i arrived....but of course i was informed that my luggage is now lost in Amsterdam. i spent around two hours waiting in line, trying to figure out how to fix the situation....and was super overstimulated and overwhelmed at that point. i didn't, but i kind of felt like destroying things, ripping my ticket into pieces and smashing my phone on the ground....because there was little else that i could do to help resolve the situation, and i was so desperate. there was an overwhelming amount of emotional charge that i couldn't really channel elsewhere.

it's 10 pm now and i just came home. praying that i'll get my belongings back.

Edited Saturday at 04:36 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

a few years ago, i had zero access to anger. i mostly just felt sad.

i feel so angry now, and i can barely stand it. so violated. i want to hurt myself, want to do anything to stop feeling this way.

this was such a challenging trip for me, it's something i'd been too scared to do before, and everything went wrong. and then mum thinks she can comfort me by pointing out that i had such a good trip....how would she know? she has no right to judge that. she doesn't even have access to all the information needed to accurately judge that. it's the same old problem, that it's never even acknowledged just how tiny and hurt i can feel. how overwhelmed. this was so stressful, especially the past few days. also a few days in, when my credit card stopped working.

i hate myself for going. i should have just stayed home. i knew exactly that i would hate the hostels, the people, the noise, the chaos...i should have just stayed home. i feel so ugly and guilty.

[Judy2]

i feel a lot better, though, now that i am back in my apartment. having been away gives me a whole new appreciation for having my own place that is comfortable and that largely reflects my own aesthetic preferances.

 

my parents stopped by briefly and we managed to stand each other surprisingly well for those three hours. at my request, they left me a colourful glass sphere that used to belong to my late grandmother. they are selling the house and this is one of the objects i remember being fascinated by as a child, even though they seem to have barely noticed it when it sat on my grandparents' living room table. well, it's on my desk now and i'm quite fond of that inheritance♡

Edited Saturday at 02:52 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

*and now i'm almost happy again, for a few moments, here and there. 

my luggage has also been found and will hopefully be sent to me, which is a huge relief. 

[Judy2]

i had a few good moments over the past few days, but there's also this feeling of disgust and overwhelm sneaking in, getting bigger. there are a lot of things not going as smoothly as they should, and it makes me irritable and uncomfortable in my own skin. 

it's this creepy feeling that makes me want to act a little crazy just to feel better, to feel a little safer again.

Edited 4 hours ago by Judy2

[Schizophonia]

Yo, how are things going with the other guy

If you don't mind me asking

[Judy2]

he hasn't texted back yet.

i think i'm annoying...even though i haven't said that much. but i'm still convinced that i'm annoying or too much or something, and he only messaged me because he felt sorry for me or didn't want me to feel embarrassed for reaching out.

[Schizophonia]

10 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

he hasn't texted back yet.

i think i'm annoying...even though i haven't said that much. but i'm still convinced that i'm annoying or too much or something, and he only messaged me because he felt sorry for me or didn't want me to feel embarrassed for reaching out.

Maybe he's just busy or tired, and/or wondering how to reply so as not to come across in a certain way; just like you do.

If he really wasn't, at least potentially, interested he would not have sent "July!" he would have simply avoided saying anything at all.

No pb

Edited 3 hours ago by Schizophonia

[Judy2]

ok:)

[Judy2]

i've been thinking about renaming this journal. do you have any suggestions?

Edited 3 hours ago by Judy2