"intimacy"

[Judy2]

happy new year everyone ♡

 

i didn't do anything spectacular on new year's eve, to be honest, and i feel a bit like a grandma these days with the way i don't party and like my sleeping hours to be consistent. i simply spent the evening alone, relaxed, and went through my values and goals for 2026.

this morning, i went cycling (until it got too cold), tidied up a bit, and then i prepared lunch for my brother and i. he wasn't that hungry (still hungover and full from the party food yesterday) but still said it tasted good and thanked me for cooking - i don't know why, but that's such a compliment coming from him♡ the parents are away and somehow it's easier for me to share a meal with him than with either mum or dad - maybe because we generally have less disagreements, so it feels safer. anyway, i appreciate that he spends time with me and feel a lot of love for him. yesterday, we also watched some tv together before he left to see his friends, and i don't care about the tv but i care so much that he's willing to spend time with me.

 

i also wanted to note briefly that i went to the gym again yesterday morning (after a bit of a break due to the holidays and everything) and really enjoyed myself. my gym routine is definitely something i want to keep up this year, as it helps so much with structure as well as my mental and physical health - it provides equilibrium.

 

 

anyway.....that's it with the update and i wish you all a wonderful new year.

"2026" feels nice. i'll try my best to make it a good one.

[Salvijus]

Happy new year 

[Judy2]

@Salvijus(:

[Judy2]

6 hours ago, Judy2 said:

happy new year everyone ♡

 

i didn't do anything spectacular on new year's eve, to be honest, and i feel a bit like a grandma these days with the way i don't party and like my sleeping hours to be consistent. i simply spent the evening alone, relaxed, and went through my values and goals for 2026.

this morning, i went cycling (until it got too cold), tidied up a bit, and then i prepared lunch for my brother and i. he wasn't that hungry (still hungover and full from the party food yesterday) but still said it tasted good and thanked me for cooking - i don't know why, but that's such a compliment coming from him♡ the parents are away and somehow it's easier for me to share a meal with him than with either mum or dad - maybe because we generally have less disagreements, so it feels safer. anyway, i appreciate that he spends time with me and feel a lot of love for him. yesterday, we also watched some tv together before he left to see his friends, and i don't care about the tv but i care so much that he's willing to spend time with me.

 

i also wanted to note briefly that i went to the gym again yesterday morning (after a bit of a break due to the holidays and everything) and really enjoyed myself. my gym routine is definitely something i want to keep up this year, as it helps so much with structure as well as my mental and physical health - it provides equilibrium.

 

 

anyway.....that's it with the update and i wish you all a wonderful new year.

"2026" feels nice. i'll try my best to make it a good one.

 

*** okay, i also feel scared, insecure, lost....bored today.

i am calm, but something inside me continues to be fearful, worried, hypervigilant.

i don't trust; i sense danger.

 

i feel insecure, don't know what to do, struggle with decisions (what to do throughout the day, and beyond that). i am lost, i don't see the way, there's no clarity. someone please tell me what to do, what's right, where to go, what i need to do to be safe and good enough. i'm scared.

 

i feel judged, and i judge myself for the fact that i've been an adult for 5 years now, pursued a degree and everything, and still don't know what to do with myself, what's next, whether to keep studying or find a job, what job....   people judge me, too, and i come across as stupid and delusional and childish and immature when i humiliate myself stuttering "it's all very vague atm" and "my plans aren't that concrete yet". i feel so stupid. so ugly. So lost. i feel sad and scared.

i was good at school. i should have had this (life) figured out by now. (yet no one takes into account the degrees of mental illness i've been struggling with throughout the years that have been significantly slowing down my progress in life) ...i feel SO stupid.

 

...crying in bed now. i wish i could go downstairs and show all the feels to my brother and have him comfort me. can't remember ever doing this though, that's not what we do in this family - which i regret...but idk if i can show up crying and expect him to deal with that. he's been so nice to me today, that's good enough.

Edited Thursday at 07:19 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel scared, and alone. 

which is so weird because when i'm around family, i count down the days to be alone again, to have my peace...cause i can't even feel myself enough to feel alone around them.

and then when i'm finally on my own, soon enough it's the silence, the emotion that becomes so unbearable. everything's grey - quiet. maybe too quiet. i don't know where to go or what to do with myself.

[Judy2]

...not feeling great 

[UnbornTao]

1 hour ago, Judy2 said:

...not feeling great 

What if you allowed yourself, in your mind, to exaggerate it a little - not to punish yourself but simply to experience it without resistance? Not to suppress it, nor to act it out - just to feel it wholesale. It's a possibility.

[Judy2]

1 hour ago, UnbornTao said:

What if you allowed yourself, in your mind, to exaggerate it a little - not to punish yourself but simply to experience it without resistance? Not to suppress it, nor to act it out - just to feel it wholesale. It's a possibility.

thank u

i get where the advice is coming from and it's generally not a bad idea

i'm  a little scared i'll lose it and never feel better

Edited Sunday at 08:59 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

3 hours ago, Judy2 said:

...not feeling great 

it's so weird but i get this combination of depression and agoraphobia (nothing new really, i've had this for years on and off and feel it again now). not in the clinical sense, but i basically don't want to go outside or go anywhere because i'd feel myself being alive (which i generally want, but sometimes i don't). when i remain stationary, it's easier to pretend i'm not actually here, to dream myself away...

but then i get started thinking too much about all the things that aren't good enough about me, and maybe i never will be good enough, or happy, let alone okay.

i don't feel safe. i don't. feel. safe. i don't feel safe!

i'm ugly. i'm not enough. no one loves me. i'm so alone. and so lost.

[UnbornTao]

8 minutes ago, Judy2 said:

thank u

i get where the advice is coming from and it's generally not a bad idea

As tricky as it is, let's remember that thinking about something is not the same as doing it. I did something similar today with apathy, and it helped me take it less seriously.

Quote

i'm ugly. i'm not enough. no one loves me. i'm so alone. and so lost.

Challenge those notions. They're not true. You just think they are.

Sorry if you weren't asking for help or acknowledgement.

Edited Sunday at 09:02 PM by UnbornTao