"intimacy"

[Judy2]

i'm feeling confused and emotional, a bit unsteady... maybe that's okay? i'm not sure, i'm scared, it's all a bit much.

[Judy2]

dad made me look at the pictures from yesterday's hike and i'm now having a major body image crisis...

[Judy2]

[feeling confused, scared, overwhelmed. struggling!]

 

...it's probably necessary to radically force myself into deliberate positive focus for a bit: 

• my current bmi is 20, so my weight is not a health concern, my body probably doesn't know or see any reason to be concerned right now
• my head keeps assuming that my dad and brother also thought that i was too big yesterday...but it probably hasn't even crossed their minds - dad looks at the mountains in those photos, i look at the size of my body and think that my body makes the photo ugly. 
• there are things about me that i find cute. every now and then i see something about my body that i like, some aspect that i find good and cute. 
• at least i got bigger breasts again
• i am fit and taking care of myself and prioritising exercise that i find enjoyable. i am starting to enjoy working out and doing my cardio, i am probably fitter than i have ever been in my life, and i am doing this as a form of self-care, an enjoyable activity....rather than compulsion or self-inflicted punishment to "burn calories". 
• i know beautiful women with higher bmis and i would never tell them "you're too much"
• people who look at me might find me beautiful, cute, attractive without actively thinking "she'd be prettier if she was thinner" the way i tend to do 
• i acknowledge that it is pretty unique and extraordinary of me to be handling the whole recovery process, including weight restoration, on my own again, without a therapist and without anyone other than myself actively witnessing this process i am undergoing, the emotions and thoughts i have to tackle every day. i might feel guilty for this...but i may also see that this is incredibly strong and brave of me...because i am showing up for myself every day and i am willing to deal with my emotions and be here. i am not doing this for a therapist or because anyone told me to (chances are, if i'd waited for a therapist to tell me it's okay to recover, i would have outsourced responsibility and resisted it even more). i am doing this with full conviction, for myself, because i believe that i am worthy of it and that i deserve to have a good life. i am doing this because i love myself and want to be good to myself and live a good life, and so i am willing to take on massive emotional labour for the sake of healing myself and gaining self-awareness. this is something that most people are not willing or able to do, and it speaks to unique emotional strength and intelligence that i am doing something as radical and difficult as this....basically reprogramming my whole psyche, on my own, by and for myself. this is brave and i see that it takes massive strength and i respect that and appreciate it, and see the value in how hard i am trying. i see that there is a lot of power in my soul, and that i can use this to make good, beautiful things happen. people may not see the fight i am fighting, or may look at me and think i am too big and there is no way that this is me fighting an eating disorder and fighting the urge to restrict, and they may think that i should lose weight again to look more like the beauty standard and that would be so good of me and how come i actively put a lot of emotional labour into resisting ed-urges to restrict when restriction would be good and healthy for me because i'd look so much more perfect ...but i see the struggle, and i respect it and see the infinite courage and effort it takes. ...i see it. i validate it. i respect it. i see my struggle to achieve balance, and no one else sees it, and so no one else can really judge me for it. 
• the bloating issue will be taken care of! it will be resolved eventually, i will resolve it. as my relationship with my body, my emotions, and food improves and becomes more intuitive, my looks may still change. i will end up looking good! i will end up beautiful and with the kind of lifestyle, the kind of lived emotional experience that makes me feel good - not just about body image, not just for those 5 seconds i see myself in the mirror - but holistically. i fully, whole-heartedly believe that this is possible for me. it must be possible. 
• "Home" is everywhere. i cannot run from the conflicts, cannot exorcise them from my home the way i would wish to, i can never find a better home than here...so i might feel desperate the way i always do, and say "i don't have a home, i'm never at home, always lost" - because conflicts are everywhere. OR i may invite them in, hold space for the good and the bad...and realise that i am already at home, no matter where i go. and i may deal with the good and the bad safely, from a relaxed place, as part of the life that i choose to participate in with my full loving attention. 
• i am always already safe, and i am safe to be with and feel my emotions. 
• i am beautiful and i am worthy, and WHAT IF i NEVER had to question that again? WHAT IF i can just decide on that now, decide that i am beautiful and worthy - and that's the end of it? if that is already decided, the emotions may keep coming up - but i'll embrace them lovingly. and i am always already safe. and there's no need at all to worry or be scared...because i've already decided that i am worthy and beautiful...and the rest will fall into place accordingly. 
• i can detach food from this idea of needing to happen in a safe haven, and only there, because the reality is that food happens right in the middle of this messy, chaotic, scary, vast, black-and-white-and grey- and colourful life. i cannot separate food from life, and i cannot separate life from conflict. so if i want to live, i have to tolerate that food will coexist in environments where conflicts exist - all separation that i try to create in this regard keeps failing, and it keeps me feeling stressed out. instead of fighting it, i may accept that...accepting that will probably be the only thing that can ever help me normalise my relationship with food.  - food happens right in the middle of this chaotic, scary life - and what does that mean, if i choose not to restrict (restricting = waiting until life is all pure and white and i may eat again, because i may only eat if all conflict is gone...but that has never really worked out the way i wanted it to)? it means that i can learn to regulate my emotions and my sense of self-worth completely independent of food choice - and that i don't need to over- or undereat in response to emotions. it takes a lot of getting used to, but ultimately, this is the only way. 

 

*sorry if this is not all too coherent...i don't have the time to go over and edit it all. sorry if there's arrogance in that, i don't mean it to sound that way. it's probably expressed in too absolute terms...i don't know if this is feasible in practice. whatever...i am trying. [i feel ugly, i feel as though i am not good enough, i feel as though all of the above sounds stupid and delusional and wrong. i feel vulnerable sharing all of the above, i feel as though it renders me vulnerable to be attacked, i feel as though it renders me vulnerable to being criticised for the way i look now?? which is an odd thing to say, i guess. maybe i feel safer saying "hey look i have this body, but i hate it"...cause then people will agree and i am safe. it's an odd thing to say that i have this body and i hate it but that's just an emotion and i am currently working really hard on this emotion because restriction isn't healthy for me...i feel as though people don't believe that or value that or respect that, or think i'm being stupid and will just tell me "hey look, really, you should just go and lose weight again to have a bmi of 18 and then everything will be okay!"....i feel scared. sorry for this mess...]

Edited August 10 by Judy2

[Judy2]

and....as to not gaslight myself:

i think i looked better when i was slimmer. (not some imaginary other people). 

i just think it's no good getting back there through compulsion, restriction, and self-punishment. 

so i put a lot of faith forward (do i???) into healing myself instead, and harmonising my emotions and my body and my lifestyle and my relationship with food. 

whatever happens to my body when i am happy will be right for me. 

right? 

i don't know. 

maybe that is naive. 

and i don't believe in that. but it's kind of my only choice, because i don't believe in restriction and illness helping me be happy in the long term, either. 

 

...and i can see that it is taking me a lot of energy to be thinking about this every day, and that this makes it harder to work on my thesis.

...so yes, it's still not a bad idea to get more support (therapy) soon. fighting for myself, trying really hard, and getting help aren't mutually exclusive.

 

 

*** sorry if all of this is too much. i feel as though it is. sorry. 

 

i feel stupid for "handling recovery all on my own" when i am obviously doing a miserable job at it - cause look! look how i am obsessing over it and feeling insecure and questioning everything and on and on. it's taking way too much mental energy right now...it probably would be better and healthier if it didn't take so much....and i'm not sure if this is "necessary work" i put into it, or if it's a sign that i am doing it all wrong because i am too doubtful or whatever. 

this is rough. 

[Judy2]

i'm stupid...because i pretend as though i believe in recovery, when i actually don't. 

i just don't believe in being sick anymore, that it would bring me the kind of happiness and sense of completion that i had always hoped it would, so i kind of have to pretend like i am all pro-self-love...when i'm really not and i'm still very sceptical of that. very phoney of me. 

i just pretend like i'm all pro-recovery now because i'm not pro-being sick anymore, and what's the alternative?...but in truth, i'm still very conflicted. ouch.

 

i am sorry for being this way! i feel as though everything about me is wrong and ugly. 

[Judy2]

sorry to anyone reading my endless rambling:) i feel a bit embarrassed for sharing all of this with no filters on.

i think i understand what my problem is though.

i feel as though i don't deserve empathy for current body image struggles because they could easily be fixed by a bit of restriction and weight loss, and if i'm resisting that it's my own fault...so then i feel twice as bad.

it would be up to me to fix all of this and lose weight again, and i'm choosing not to cause that's not wise two months into recovery, when i was underweight and had no period 2 months ago, and my brain and body are still distrustful AND i know that forcing myself into restriction briefly fixes body image concerns but doesn't help me achieve the kind of healthy, effortless balance i would love to achieve in the long term. still, i feel very guilty for resisting the "quick fix" cause now every time i complain about my size it's all my fault and my responsibility that i look this way.

Edited August 10 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i'd know how to make myself lose weight...but i don't know how to achieve equilibrium; mental, physical, and emotional health; an effortless relationship with food, body, mind, and soul - which is what i actually seek in the long term, and what will actually make me happy.

[Judy2]

i feel despair...i don't feel able to concentrate on my thesis, and i don't know what else to do with myself instead. it's all too much. 

i just wanna pull a blanket over my head, curl up in bed and wait, pretend like i'm not here. it's all too much and i don't know what to do if i can't focus on my work. 

Edited August 10 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i feel very frustrated. i am trying so hard to get a hold of everything, i am trying so hard to deal with my emotions...and still i can't seem to shake them right now, they're overpowering, they're too much, i can't feel good.

i feel sad that this is the case, i feel sad that this is such a struggle.

i feel worried because the thesis seems like an insurmountable challenge again, given my general mental state.

Edited August 10 by Judy2

[Judy2]

i don't know what it is that today is such a struggle

trying to deal with it, somehow

and give myself a break...just trying to relax and be nice to myself. i'm trying! it's difficult

[Judy2]

this one's a bit odd, but i have noticed that every time i have a writing consultation (whether that be online or in person), i get these ASMR-like effects (tingling sensations in my brain and so forth).

i've had these consultations at irregular intervals throughout the past few years and it's happened very consistently in this context, but not in other similar contexts (meeting friends, or speaking with therapists 1:1 and sitting opposite them the way i would in front of my writing consultant). this also happens independent of who my consultant is and independent of their gender. 

...i find this a bit odd and don't know how to explain it to myself. maybe it's about receiving this kind of close personal attention, not sure. 

[Judy2]

feeling unusually neutral today.

i was very tired in the morning, got to the gym nonetheless, somehow pushed through my workout, felt extremely exhausted afterwards. then i dragged myself down a few blocks to have the second session with the new therapist. so far, he doesn't really make me feel anything, he bores me a little and it mostly feels like pointless intellectual discussions with him...we'll see...i'll keep having test sessions with him but there's also another therapist whom i'll meet next week, and he might be a really good fit cause he seems to know a lot about attachment trauma and so forth (he's a systemic therapist).

body image is pretty good today, my belly's doing great, and my appetite is pretty well-regulated. good:)

[Judy2]

acknowledging a painful emotion:

dad said something that invalidated my perception that the noises he makes in this household are uncomfortable. it felt like a sting for a second and triggered an urge to self-harm because he wouldn't believe me that this really is uncomfortable and painful to me. i find it unfair of him that he talks as though this is nothing, as though he knows that i am the one who is being delusional here, as though i am the problem and i'm delusional for being sensitive to sounds. this is painful, it really hurts me that he doesn't want to understand this. 

i am not going to cut myself, but this is the type of situation that really makes me want to do it. 

his resistance to acknowledging my sensitivity also makes me want to make it a matter of principle, and his unwillingness to be careful to my sensitivity makes me feel extra-triggered and hurt, independent of the actual noise level. 

 

- 

wrote him an email to say that my emotions are real for me, and that i feel hurt when he tells me otherwise. 

i have a feeling that gaslighting has led me to develop quite dysfunctional patterns, so maybe it's important to point it out and correct it every time it happens. and to say "no matter what you tell me, i know that my emotions are real. and i can stand by this without needing to hurt myself to show it." 

(i think? i don't know)

 

i feel stressed. 

how am i supposed to focus on my thesis when i have such big emotional issues to handle all day??

*stressed out. 

Edited August 13 by Judy2

[Judy2]

feeling a bit of tension, self-hatred, insecurity....pressure

[Judy2]

[Trigger Warning: graphic content related to eating disorder]

 

i've tried this before and deleted it again, but a conversation with a user here has made me think that maybe i would like to try and share this again. 

 

this is not to promote what is in the pictures. this comes from a place of no longer wanting to let the part that expresses in the pictures take hold of my entire life. this comes from a deep understanding that this didn't lead where i wanted it to lead...

and yet, it comes from a place of sometimes mourning the vulnerability and fragility i was able to show and express with my body. 

 

i don't know if this is right, but maybe i just need to (or want to) lovingly let this part express and be there, even though i don't want it to mistreat my body anymore.

 

i never wanted to be so lonely with this; i always just wanted it to be seen. 

 i wanted to be held, and saved, and comforted. i guess i still want that today, sometimes. and that's okay. 

 

(note: these pictures are from June/July 2020; they are not from my relapse earlier this year.)

 

 

 

just to be clear, i do not intend on making this a thing now and sharing countless pictures of this. 

it just felt as though this is important for me to share, at least once. 

i can't say if this is a wrong impulse, if this is right, or irresponsible. - if this is against guidelines, please do let me know kindly. 

 

it's just been an ongoing desire to express and share this, i believe. 

 i do not expect any reaction. i just wished to share. that's it. 

 

 

maybe i'll also come around and share some more recent pictures - but for now, i believe these should stand for themselves. 

 

i hope no one feels offended by this. 

as i said, there is no ulterior motive in this, no asking for pity or anything. 

i simply felt it necessary to express this, at least once.

my apologies if this is wrong. 

 

Edited August 14 by Judy2

[Schizophonia]

On 08/08/2025 at 8:17 PM, Judy2 said:

year 2080

Someone who plans ahead

[Judy2]

@Schizophoniaalways:)

[Schizophonia]

@Judy2 You're so cute and you wake up my savior syndrome when i see the photos.

You deserve to feel good and be pampered by a good social group and/or man, according to your wishs.

Stop wasting your time on food; I assure you, it's a complete waste of time, and you gain absolutely nothing from it (unless you believe you need to be like that to be entitled to a similar level of attention or something like that).

The photos are old but you said you "relapsed" so I imagine you're skinny again

Eating more should also greatly reduce your stress by dampening stress hormones (QED) and boosting the hormonal cascade.

 

Edited August 14 by Schizophonia

[Judy2]

"Imagine that you are a soul without a physical body. So you don't have any access to a body to determine whether you are safe, good enough, or a goddess. Begin to imagine how you would connect with a sense of safety, being good enough, and your inner goddess, without having a physical body as a reference point. (Dont try and figure this out with the mind, just allow yourself to be playful and feel into it."

(credit and a big thank you to @Wilhelm44 :)) 

 

first of all, i feel a bit stupid for never having asked this question before. i'll take some time to feel into this and observe what comes up:)

 

also...i've been wanting to mention here that this past week, i've heard of at least two women on YouTube who want to "get in shape" for their wedding. now, this is not uncommon; it's very much socially accepted...but it also felt a bit odd to me, hearing it like that. i understand the intention of wanting to look your best for your wedding, i'll probably start thinking in similar lines before my own wedding...but there's also something odd about it, although i currently can't find the right words to describe it. 

[Judy2]

4 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

@Judy2 You're so cute and you wake up my savior syndrome when i see the photos.

 

when i'm underweight or healthy? 

this is the part that tends to confuse (and trigger) me.