"intimacy"

[meta_male]

On 27.7.2025 at 7:04 PM, Judy2 said:

...these past few weeks, every now and then i have found myself wondering if you guys think i am being too self-centred, especially in my two new journals. i notice that a lot of my gratitudes are about "myself" - and that's not supposed to seem narcissistic or anything, like i'm using this to now show off an inflated sense of self. [i guess i'm really scared i'll seem narcissistic and arrogant if i stop hating myself and being mean to myself?]

You got every right to be self centered. Tbh, I think you couldn't even fake narcissism if you wanted. Who knows, maybe you could...but it would just look cute instead of vain...

For real though, seems like you go through a big shift in energy and clarity, like you're standing with yourself and not just analyzing yourself. Hats off! 🫡

[Judy2]

@meta_male thank you:)

also, i get way too overexcited when people say i'm cute. stop it:)

[meta_male]

Noted. I might hold back just enough to keep you from melting into a puddle of cuteness and giggles 😉

[Judy2]

@meta_male 🤭

[Judy2]

so today's day of eating was better than yesterday's, at least.

i'm at my parents' house now and had a nice dinner...salad and boiled eggs and fresh bread from the bakery. i felt satiated when i stopped and didn't feel an urge to keep eating.

then a few hours later i still wanted an evening snack and it kind of felt like i wouldn't have to have one, but i still wanted one. and then it got confusing trying to figure out what i want or what would be satisfying, because there are also lots of fear foods in the house and i wasn't sure if i should try and have some or not. anyway, i ate a bit...but not overly much. not full on binge mode. but it's confusing because i'm constantly asking myself if i would really need this and then the answer is, no, i could go without this ..so that can't be the only standard by which i decide because then i'd undereat again and go hungry...so it's really difficult where to draw the line and what a normal amount to eat would be. or what to eat and what would be "worth it".

i also noticed that just the thought of being around a household filled with food is SO triggering to me. it's kind of odd how that works, but it makes sense that my brain still feels that way. i took that opportunity to just flush all the chocolate mum had bought, cause i don't trust myself around that. like, i can control myself around that when i want to, but when i'm not trying to control or restrict myself, that's when it gets confusing because i have absolutely no sense of what moderate, healthy amounts are, or how to know when i've had enough. in other words it's easy when i know i'm demonising that food...but when i'm trying not to restrict, suddenly it's so confusing and i don't know how to eat moderate amounts.

eating moderate amounts paradoxically feels more forbidden than overeating, at times, because then i'm actually eating it with full conviction, you might say....if i'm overeating i don't have to figure out if i actually want or need something, i don't have to go through that whole ordeal of second-guessing everything i put in my mouth, i'm just clear on eating till i'm stuffed. which isn't fun but in a way it's probably safer and it feels as though there's less guilt and responsibility in that (it's "out of my control", after all) than if i were to eat and actually be in tune with what my body needs and craves, and try to eat just the right amount, not too much and not too little...idk if this makes sense...just some thoughts i've been having on the issue. if i'm trying to eat moderate amounts, it feels as though i'm still having to deal with the disordered thoughts and the restrictive mindset and constantly ask myself if something might be too much (or if my environment is calm and perfect enough which, for my personal standards, it never is and in the past that would have meant that i'd have to restrict and starve until i live in a better world)...if i know i overeat it's just clear that whenever i think of food i'll have it and then that's it. in a way it saves a lot of emotional turmoil and negotiation, i suppose. with moderation you can basically fuck up in two directions....with extremes, it's always crystal clear what to do (that's why i like them).

i have also noticed that sometimes the mere thought of just being around food and being completely unbothered by it is really stressful. it kind of makes me aggressive. i'm not even starving anymore and i don't have to be hungry in that moment, but it makes me deeply uncomfortable to just exist around food (maybe also in combination with the sensation of not needing it and not being hungry?) and have a normal, relaxed relationship with it. it's either "God NO i could never have that" or "i've got to binge it all"...the thought of just having a few bites here and there and then going about my day while that open jar or half a bar or three quarters of a bag of dates or whatever are still in the house is just unnerving. i find it funny how that works...most people probably cannot relate, but it makes sense from a certain point of view, that my brain still feels this way. (maybe there's also a bit of sadness that if i'm around food and not hungry, it'll lose its sublime status, and that kind of makes me sad because it was cool to give something so much power over me and my life as to make it appear divine...it's boring and sad if this simply dissolves and goes away...)

i'm not even hungry, i don't even want to binge...but my brain is still stuck in that mode where the sheer existence of certain foods around me makes me deeply uncomfortable. guess it'll go away in a bit. i hope. i hope things will normalise and that my brain can start to relax around food...although i suppose a part of me doesn't want that. it wants food to stay on that pedestal...if it loses its elevation, it means that it'll blend right back into the chaotic canvas of life with all its contrasts and challenges. i'm afraid of that. over- or undereating would keep me from letting that happen, would keep food on a pedestal and delay that moment when it all blends right back into Life.

and we all know i'm scared of Life. scared to live.

 

on my bicycle this afternoon i thought, this counts as healthy emotional regulation. that instead of being stuck inside and eating, i'm moving my body and looking at the fields and the trees and the sky. but i'm still having to deal with food, and body image, and everything else.

it also just seems surreal to get food down to a level where i'll be completely indifferent to it. because food and body image have been so central and important for at least half my life, consciously, and probably long before that. to just think that food could all of a sudden lose all of its emotional charge is a bit utopian...but whatever...we'll see how it goes.

working on it.

working on "moderation", as SCARY as it is.

 

*sorry if this is messy, re-edited a few times because more thoughts kept popping up and that messed with the coherent order of the post here.

**maybe it helps to be aware of these things.

Edited Friday at 09:54 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

13 hours ago, Judy2 said:

maybe there's also a bit of sadness that if i'm around food and not hungry, it'll lose its sublime status, and that kind of makes me sad because it was cool to give something so much power over me and my life as to make it appear divine...it's boring and sad if this simply dissolves and goes away...

i hope things will normalise and that my brain can start to relax around food...although i suppose a part of me doesn't want that. it wants food to stay on thay pedestal...if it loses its elevation, it means that it'll blend right back into the chaotic canvas of life with all its contrasts and challenges. i'm afraid of that. over- or undereating would keep me from letting that happen, would keep food on a pedestal and delay that moment when it all blends right back into Life.

 

and we all know i'm scared of Life. scared to live.

 

it also just seems surreal to get food down to a level where i'll be completely indifferent to it. because food and body image have been so central and important for at least half my life, consciously, and probably long before that. to just think that food could all of a sudden lose all of its emotional charge is a bit utopian...but whatever...we'll see how it goes.

working on it.

working on "moderation", as SCARY as it is.

okay i think this is it.

 

the thing with restriction was that on the one hand, it gave me this physiological state where all my problems could be reduced to malnutrition, so when i did eat, that was a way of telling me "God i needed that, and now i'm safe". it also superseded all emotions in its urgency, so any problem i had could be explained - and therefore also fixed - by food.

then on the other hand food got this divine status, i could write lists of meals that i would like to eat for hours, and fantasise about that perfect world where i could finally eat again.

it's sad when that is gone. when neither the physiological neediness nor the apotheosis of some part of existence, the projection onto a divine future could keep me safe.

i know in my latest restriction phase earlier this year i was suffering immensely, wasn't comfortable, was praying for normalcy and a healthy weight and normal relationship with food to return.

but yes, there's also sadness. because it's kinda cool to have a needy physiology, to always be on edge, to be able to project GOD - some divine resolution - onto food, and to forbid myself from taking it, always knowing that when i choose to, the solution will be right there.

PLUS i felt so much prettier when i was skinny, and food also felt more special and beautiful.

when that is gone...i'm naked. having to deal with Life....messy, messy Life.

 

kind of a triggering explanation. it's so ingenious and smart that it kind of has me wanting me to go back to restriction. the beautiful depth of restriction, and just the visual, sensory beauty of it. ...this happens every time i think too much about anorexia...she really is smart, and she really is profound. i have a great deal of fascination and appreciation for that. ...did have its perks, it really is quite profound the more you think about it.

and i'm scared, i don't like being this naked, this vulnerable...

Edited Friday at 09:59 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

it's like this whole fantasy world collapses. like i had created this great need, and by that greatly idealised something and made it divine...and that's dissolved and now everything is flat, and cold. i'm cold, and naked, having to deal with all of existence on my own again. without any smart, convenient strategies up my sleeves. without any magic tricks.

just cold, humble, flat existence. scary existence, with its ups and downs and challenges, its existential threats.

existence was so much more fun when it was magic, when i had bifurcated it into evil and divine. existence was more fun with magic tricks that kept me safe, when i allowed myself to believe the threat was real, because then the prospect of a heaven i would never reach was also real. God was also real, though i could never truly reach it.

i feel bad for playing all sober now.

moderation.

how boring.

silly stupid me.

Edited Thursday at 08:54 PM by Judy2

[Judy2]

it also SUCKS from a recovering anorexic's perepective

to have a physiology that is getting more regulated around food

when the emotional struggles are still very very real.

 

 

a) because food was such a great distraction from my emotional problems

b) because being underweight was such a great distraction from my emotional problems and had me coping with them differently...

 

it sucks to have a healthy physiology and become normal and balanced around food

when that is only intensifying my emotional vulnerability, my nakedness with all the emotional struggles that are still very, very real.

(cause like the whole point of undereating was that i could dream of a perfect recovery world wher everything's perfect and that's when i may eat again...but it's the other way around..having to eat, and even let that whole divine fantasy go, AND having to face LIFE without that coping mechanim, with all its ups and downs...rough!)

 

in a dream world, the emotional struggles would just go away with weight restoration. i think that's what people naively tend to see when they find that someone who was underweight is finally weight restoring.

truth is, that tends to be where the hard work begins. and it tends to be harder than active restriction, because it's massive emotional confrontation. people don't like to believe it. they think anorexics suddenly feel better and then they gain weight...sadly it's the other way around in most cases. it's a massive, massive struggle.

[Judy2]

so....part of me resists the idea that i want food to become normal or something i have a regulated, balanced relationship with.

cause it's sad to let go of that whole HUGE paradigm, of all the meaning i have projected onto it for so long.

like there's probably real grief involved, because of my beautiful divine fantasy world and the ways in which it emotionally protected me from difficulties in life.

it's hard to let go of that. leaves me really naked.

i also feel really guilty and stupid for attempting recovery. if my illness is so ingenius and recovery leaves me naked and susceptible to all sorts of painful emotions...i shouldn't be doing it.

it's especially evil of me that i am handling all of this on my own again, breaking all these rules on my own, without a therapist.

 

God, i just want to be Safe. and Beautiful. please.

i'm never sure about that.

[Judy2]

whatever this resolution is that i'm looking for, food won't give it to me. undereating won't give it to me. overeating won't give it to me. eating just the right amounts won't give it to me. it's not to be found in the food.

it's probably not to be found anywhere. i don't even know what i'm looking for...i only ever know what i'm running from.

i just want to be safe.

i just want life to be good.

i'm always scared that Life's not good and perfect enough, and that i'm not good and perfect enough. which is usually quite disappointing.

cause if This is REAL, if existence IS - and that's crazy - shouldn't it be beautiful?...

[Judy2]

...i guess on the one hand it's helpful to understand all this, on the other, it's quite a disillusionment, which hurts. 

leaves me naked, leaves me susceptible to all kinds of things that could go "wrong" in life. 

most of all, it makes me feel stupid for leaving fantasy world behind. fantasy world was smart. and beautiful. 

even though Heaven never came, i feel stupid for throwing away any prospects i had of ever reaching it through my constructed, my intricately, intelligently designed methods.  it's sad. leaves me feeling low, leaves me feeling disgusted at the self, the humble, ordinary self i'm having to live with now. in the humble, ordinary, Godless world i'll be left with once all the things i so neatly separated and divided into two lose their power over me, lose their divinity. 

i suppose it sets me free, but right now it's just sad. 

 

not sure if anyone understands. i find this mechanism quite genius...but i'm on the seemingly disadvantageous side of it now...takes some accepting, some learning, some getting used to. 

moderation is boring, dull. i want excess, in whatever direction. i want extremes - otherwise, what is there?

 

i think i wrote about this before, a few weeks ago, mentioning how it all takes on a very "ordinary shininess" - cause stuff loses its glow, the glow it had when i believed in God and the devil. basically. it was a constant struggle, but at least i had the thought of something Divine to hold onto. that's gone now. 

sad. 

Edited Friday at 04:33 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

Life, food, my body - they all felt so much more beautiful when i was restricting.

actually living life feels so stupid, because there's all the "bad stuff" i find myself completely vulnerable to, and having to accept in order to still be able to live instead of wait.

i feel so vulnerable, so ugly so stupid, so uncomfortable, knowing this.

i hate myself for living now.

it's not right.

i was supposed to wait for a perfect world until i'm allowed to live.

if i really live now, that just makes all the "bad stuff" so much more real, and this is it.

and if this is real life and i'll fail at times and not be good enough, that'll be real, too.

ah!

massively uncomfortable. i don't want this. this is not okay! this is too much!

i'm not supposed to live Life, because look!, there's too much ugliness in it and i'm just fully exposed to that now. this just can't be.

Edited Friday at 04:39 AM by Judy2

[Judy2]

also, body image this week is BAD.

i feel extremely uncomfortable in my body.

especially my belly and face are making me worry. 

if truth must be told, i personally feel quitw bad about this and from one perspective this is just HORRIBLE and i'm FREAKING OUT.

i know there's also another perspective from which i could sort of try to see that this body is still cute. more feminine, etc. more mature.

but ouch! 

really hurts to be in this body, i'm really uncomfortable, i feel WAY too big!...

it feels really ugly and bad to me to be in a body of this size and shape. i could totally beat myself up over it...but we're trying not to do that, right? but if that was the sort of thing i was still doing, NOW would be the time to do it. hell, i **** this body.

[Judy2]

weighed myself just to have a reality check and i'm still in a somewhat reasonable range. but GOSH i hate how i look and how i feel at this size!!!

[Judy2]

i'm so much cuter and more beautiful when i'm skinny 

[Judy2]

my legs are okay. they've got substance to them, but at least it's all held together by a good percentage of lean muscle mass. my face, i'm having mixed feelings about...fluctuating perspectives. my belly, we don't even need to get started about.

i also mentioned this before, but i'm feeling a noticeable difference in how my body holds emotions/how it is shaken by them, having the direct comparison of being underweight vs at a healthy weight. haven't decided yet if this is good or bad, and i can't articulate what precisely this difference consists in. guess it has to do with having more substance to hold the emotions that shake my body...which is something i'm not used to, and sometimes it's scary because i can't let the emotion pass right through me in the way i could let it do before. having so little substance that emotions can pass right through me was also what shook me so deep in the past that i could have spiritual experiences and an ego death/nondual experiences....cause my body couldn't hold onto the energetic separation anymore, so my consciousness just exploded and became evident as one when my body was at its lowest. ...guess there are pros and cons to both, and it'll still take me some time to fully get used to and appreciate the perks of living at a stable, healthy weight. takes some time for my mind to accommodate to this...

 

anyway, dad drove me into town this morning and i went for a quick stop at the university library. going to the gym now.

as i was walking through town, it was still incredibly overwhelming for me to be surrounded by so many shops, so much food. whenever i have to make food choices, i'm still quite overwhelmed. so it's a good thing that by now, i've come up with a bit of a meal structure for myself, just to know roughly where i'm at.

i also figured that on mornings when i have to interact a lot with dad, i'll simply opt for a protein shake at breakfast to make things easier for myself. in the past decade, being around family always meant restriction. cause i'm smart and know that family life can be chaotic...but not doing that anymore, because i figured by now that all of life is chaotic, and i need to be fully there to live, and to sort through life's challenges in the first place (be fully there, and give my body consistent energy).

it's a new perspective, but maybe it can also feel cool to be at a healthy weight, be fit, be allowed to eat moderate amounts, and so on. maybe i can still look and feel cute and pretty even at this weight... i'm trying to believe it. trying to believe that i can even still feel "small" and cute, girly, feminine...even at a healthy weight, while in a fit, lean body...

[Judy2]

i'm okay with my legs and my bum. i'm so NOT okay with my belly!!!

[Judy2]

feeling stressed and triggered.

trying to let it pass.

[Schizophonia]

8 hours ago, Judy2 said:

i'm so much cuter and more beautiful when i'm skinny 

I'm sure not.

You can post photos if you like; it might help to latch onto your delirium.
I don't say delirium in a hostile tone.

[Judy2]

@Schizophonia i'll think about it, thank you:)