Meditation and awareness are scaring me

[Marvelllious]

For the last 3 weeks I've been going to bed early and waking up early. The first 2 weeks i just woke up got something to eat then i would go meditate and continue my day. I've stopped going out, only on weekends and socializing while at school. My pc is old and the only thing i can do on it now is research, youtube and movies. I would stay on it allot in the past playing games talking to friends ect. Now I don't miss it but because of those circumstances...(I've been meditating for 5 years now)

The last 4 days have been really tough. Meditation and those extra hours of just sitting and doing nothing have started to boost my consciousness. I would sit and talk with a person and just look right through him i would look at his eyes and there is nothing there i would sit in a room observing objects and they are subtle but there is nothing there. This has made it hard for me to wake up, the mornings are dreaded because I worry I'm losing my mind. In a year and a half i have to pick a life direction I'm almost done with school and it just gets overwhelming. I've been watching Leo for about a year now and at one point i was just consuming content just for the sake of it not really going through it. And now this is hurting me because the different perspectives I've obtained through watching content are combatting each other. This uncertainty of character is making me feel groundless. When a person asks me a question i just freeze in my answer because i see allot of viable opinions but none of them are really mine. I see how much I've bullshited myself and it's hard to breathe sometimes. 

In the past few days i wake up with stomach pains due to worrying and i wouldn't eat food just because i want to puke all the damn time. I can't ask other people for advice anymore because non of them really know what it is to look someone in the eyes and register that they aren't there at all. I broke up with my girlfriend because i saw how I wasn't able to lead properly like in the past. Perhaps i should stop meditation only focus on contemplation for now because I truly don't know. The things Leo talks about i try to validate from expirience but what expirience does a kid have. (17) 

This nothingness is so nice sometimes but when I'm around people i just want to cry. I look at them and see how they are playing a game that they exist. It hurts so much when looking at my mother.

What should I do? 

 

 

@Leo Gura 

[RMQualtrough]

IME it goes like this:

Life-ruining terror -> altered perspective -> no longer terrifying.

Last night it came up while dreaming, and I screamed and I screamed and I screamed out loud irl.

[Osaid]

2 hours ago, Marvelllious said:

This nothingness is so nice sometimes but when I'm around people i just want to cry. I look at them and see how they are playing a game that they exist. It hurts so much when looking at my mother.

What's so bad about playing games? There's nothing wrong with playing the game of life. Especially when you're conscious that you're playing it.

Your problem is very basic. You're stuck in your head. You're projecting some sort of feeling of "sadness" or "loss" when your ego is trying to grasp certain metaphysical concepts. 

It's not "wrong" to engage in human activities. It's not "wrong" to imagine things. "Nothingness" is not better or worse than "somethingness", it is simply a state of consciousness which makes certain spiritual insights easier to grasp. 

Your ego is playing tricks on you. Whenever you feel unwell emotionally, that's ego. Contemplate, how am I perceiving reality inaccurately? Where is my emotional discord coming from?

I recommend you go for a walk, maybe get food from somewhere, and give yourself permission to enjoy all of it. Don't be afraid to get pulled into that. Stop playing these silly pseudo-spiritual ego games which are making you feel unwell. Realize there's nothing wrong with enjoying human activities and conversing with people. That's true spirituality. This dream and all of its imaginations are here for you to enjoy, not to dismiss and retract into some idea of nothingness.

When you're in a video game, and some magical tree spirit has a quest for you, you don't say "I'm just imagining that you exist, this is all just a video game", you say, "Hell yeah I wanna do some quests." See? You can enjoy the game while being conscious that it's a game at the same time. You do it intuitively with video games all the time.