How the highly conscious view friendships

[Devin]

Obviously you love everyone and show everyone love but with friendships what else are you doing with them? Do you see them as life partners, people to help, is it for just mutually pleasurable activities, something else, or do you not take on special relationships like friendships?

I'm trying to figure out the best way to view friendships, I don't think I need any type of friendships, and I've yet to have a real deep soul connected friendship and I'm wondering if I should even look for it, should I just quit looking for that and just have maybe just above average although still shallow in my opinion friendships for just pleasure?

To me if it's not going to be deep I may as well just dive more into my own life and self, I find a ton of peace and joy in that, and just love people but as acquaintances from a social perspective or me helping them and then moving on. I do plan on getting married and will obviously be deep friends with my wife and I have friends I like to do stuff with, but I sort of desire deep meaningful friendships and haven't met really open deep people for that, everyone's stuck in their head to some degree

I'm about to throw in the towel and just put more into my current friendships because I don't think I'll find really deep people. Should I hold out? I don't want to develop these friendships and then later if someone deep comes along I push these to the side, that feels disgusting to me.

Edited August 17, 2022 by Devin

[eos_nyxia]

Extreme TLDR; shared perspective and mutual growth, shared projects. Win-win interactions across the board.

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is it for just mutually pleasurable activities, something else, or do you not take on special relationships like friendships?

what's wrong with one choice or the other?

For the former, if that's all that it is, I think it's worth taking whatever's worth taking from that experience and from those people in the moment, even if that's all it is. Or otherwise... just don't be around people too!

...or have some walls up, if you need them?

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 I don't think I need any type of friendships, and I've yet to have a real deep soul connected friendship and I'm wondering if I should even look for it, should I just quit looking for that and just have maybe just above average although still shallow in my opinion friendships for just pleasure?

Sometimes being too attached to the idea of being non-attached is its own sort of poison.

I guess it depends on how it truly makes you feel across the board (in this case, not having friendships).
From personal experience though, fetishizing the ultra-deep soul connections has brought more grief than it has meaning and fulfillment. Like trying to sustain myself on foam and air. But a great deal of this was the place that I came from emotionally, and how that specific attachment and desire to meet amazing people ultimately was based on compensating for the love and care I never got growing up, and this deep need to be seen/ understood/ heard truly in a way that just felt profoundly good and right. I never lead with this expectation, but this is what I ended up getting.

 

[eos_nyxia]

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To me if it's not going to be deep I may as well just dive more into my own life and self, I find a ton of peace and joy in that, and just love people but as acquaintances from a social perspective or me helping them and then moving on. I do plan on getting married and will obviously be deep friends with my wife and I have friends I like to do stuff with, but I sort of desire deep meaningful friendships and haven't met really open deep people for that, everyone's stuck in their head to some degree

For me as well, there has been a balancing act that I haven't quite figured out, especially in practice. It fluctuates a lot for me. I've been on both sides to the extreme and many places in between.

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I'm about to throw in the towel and just put more into my current friendships because I don't think I'll find really deep people. Should I hold out? I don't want to develop these friendships and then later if someone deep comes along I push these to the side, that feels disgusting to me.

Wait.... you're talking about a sort of "love at first sight" but for friendships, right? Where there is a sort of chemistry or meaning that you feel clearly and possibly right away? Where you feel like you immediately just "click" or "get" each other? You also mean a person who is "highly developed" relative to you (specifically in ways that are meaningful to you)?

I definitely relate to the desire.

Are you open to the idea of growing with someone over time and developing "deep" chemistry and shared purpose and meaning, but over very long periods of time?

If you're open and flexible, and you keep having win-win interactions with people, it may be more in your hands than you realize.

[Devin]

1 hour ago, eos_nyxia said:

that I came from emotionally, and how that specific attachment and desire to meet amazing people ultimately was based on compensating for the love and care I never got growing up, and this deep need to be seen/ understood/ heard truly in a way that just felt profoundly good and right. I never lead with this expectation, but this is what I ended up getting.

 

Ooooh, hadn't thought of that, I've never felt loved in my life, I never got it growing up either.

1 hour ago, eos_nyxia said:

For me as well, there has been a balancing act that I haven't quite figured out, especially in practice. It fluctuates a lot for me. I've been on both sides to the extreme and many places in between.

Wait.... you're talking about a sort of "love at first sight" but for friendships, right? Where there is a sort of chemistry or meaning that you feel clearly and possibly right away? Where you feel like you immediately just "click" or "get" each other? You also mean a person who is "highly developed" relative to you (specifically in ways that are meaningful to you)?

I definitely relate to the desire.

I'm talking about I haven't met anyone that seems deep in real life. I don't like getting into friendships, exploring them and then if I don't think they're good enough we just let the friendship fade, if I start a real friendship with someone that's for life, from my side anyway.

1 hour ago, eos_nyxia said:

 

Are you open to the idea of growing with someone over time and developing "deep" chemistry and shared purpose and meaning, but over very long periods of time?

If you're open and flexible, and you keep having win-win interactions with people, it may be more in your hands than you realize.

That's what I'm going to attempt, I was just holding off to find deeper people but I think I'm just gonna go forward with some of my barely friends, I don't think I'm going to really find deep people in real life in person. I no longer think I need to, I think it was sort of a dependency thing seeking that, probably that lack of love as a child you mentioned, I love myself enough now though.

Edited August 19, 2022 by Devin

[puporing]

@Devin Would you be open to connecting with a therapist who may be developed enough to more fully connect with you? (Even this might take you some searching).

That was one of the only ways I found outside of intimate relationships. 

And honestly I don't feel the need for an alternative (unless it spontaneously happened). Sometimes you just want to cut through the bullshit and talk through some things.

Currently no longer in therapy but I'll still go if I really need to talk to someone face to face about a particular thing. Once you've had that depth connection it can set you free from seeking (as much).

Edited August 19, 2022 by puporing

[Devin]

@puporing I'm actually planning on at least talking to Flowboy when I get a little time. I may go see someone in person as well after that. I feel fine, I've just never been to a therapist and want to see if there's something I could use help with that I'm blind to, seems like something good to do like going to a dental checkup 

Another reason to though, thanks

I don't like the idea of a deep connection and then not maintaining the relationship though.

Edited August 19, 2022 by Devin

[puporing]

@Devin Yeah that's cool do what feels right to you. I know how hard it can be though...  like even therapist I had to search the whole city upside down. And then I landed here.

Edited August 19, 2022 by puporing

[eos_nyxia]

5 hours ago, Devin said:

I'm talking about I haven't met anyone that seems deep in real life. I don't like getting into friendships, exploring them and then if I don't think they're good enough we just let the friendship fade, if I start a real friendship with someone that's for life, from my side anyway.

That's what I'm going to attempt, I was just holding off to find deeper people but I think I'm just gonna go forward with some of my barely friends, I don't think I'm going to really find deep people in real life in person. I no longer think I need to, I think it was sort of a dependency thing seeking that, probably that lack of love as a child you mentioned, I love myself enough now though.

What does "deep" mean for you personally and specifically though, is what I'm trying to make sense of?

[Devin]

3 hours ago, eos_nyxia said:

What does "deep" mean for you personally and specifically though, is what I'm trying to make sense of?

No fear/ego, truly loving, lives in the moment/conscious