some suggested partner conversations ...

[gettoefl]

between a 1st date and a 1st sleepover (for a relationship foundation)

0. current relationship status ... how many partners/spouses in past 5 years ... how many children if any and how many children/exes being supported

1. your/their porn appetite ... do you consume porn regularly or rarely and are you comfortable with a partner consuming porn

2. are you/ they decidedly monogamous or open to more than one partner

3. in favor of protected sex or non protected sex? what kind of protection?

4. std status

5. seeking to have children at some point or comitted to a child-free life

6. any significant sexual trauma experienced

 

any others?

[Roy]

I wouldn't talk about ANY of those things except for #2. Those are all things for knowing each other after a few weeks and multiple dates.

[gettoefl]

7 minutes ago, Roy said:

I wouldn't talk about ANY of those things except for #2. Those are all things for knowing each other after a few weeks and multiple dates.

how could you not talk about protection if you were sleeping with them

[Tyler Robinson]

 

• Political takes - liberal or conservative 
• Health issues
• Reasons behind divorce 
• Have you ever cheated? 
• Hobbies and interests 
• Source of income 
• Views on homosexuality and transgenderism 
• What do you look for in a partner 
• Opinion on marriage 
• General views on both men and women 

I wouldn't suggest you ask above questions on first date. It's Intrusive. 

But you could come up with nice word salad to get answers to these same questions by twisting the conversation with tact. 

Be machiavellian. 

[Roy]

0. It's kind of boring and shows a bit of insecurity to talk about past relationships on a first date. Leave out all details and just share a bare minimum like, "I was in a relationship for 2 years, it just didn't work out." Asking about kids is fine and should come out quickly.

1. This is far too personal of a question. It's too judgmental and can put people on the spot.

2. This is fine to bring up, by the end of the first date you should have a good idea of what each of you are after.

3. This should only be happening as you're approaching sex (making out). As a guy bringing up if you're gonna have protected sex or not any sooner before the moment you're both naked is a sure fire way to never have sex with that girl in a million years.

4. Hugely personal question. Should only be brought up in intimate conversation before sex.

5. Not a good 1st date topic. Shows you might be too invested in thinking about a long term relationship too soon while barely even knowing them.

6. Kind of an invasive thing to ask, don't you think?

This is all just my opinion.

[gettoefl]

12 minutes ago, Roy said:

0. It's kind of boring and shows a bit of insecurity to talk about past relationships on a first date. Leave out all details and just share a bare minimum like, "I was in a relationship for 2 years, it just didn't work out." Asking about kids is fine and should come out quickly.

1. This is far too personal of a question. It's too judgmental and can put people on the spot.

2. This is fine to bring up, by the end of the first date you should have a good idea of what each of you are after.

3. This should only be happening as you're approaching sex (making out). As a guy bringing up if you're gonna have protected sex or not any sooner before the moment you're both naked is a sure fire way to never have sex with that girl in a million years.

4. Hugely personal question. Should only be brought up in intimate conversation before sex.

5. Not a good 1st date topic. Shows you might be too invested in thinking about a long term relationship too soon while barely even knowing them.

6. Kind of an invasive thing to ask, don't you think?

This is all just my opinion.

you misread the question for a second time

[Tyler Robinson]

You should never ask about sexual trauma on the first date. No way. 

If you ask such questions then that person will run lol. 

Space out your questions, one for each date. 

First 4 dates without questions would be ideal. 

If they still like you and want to be with you and your connection is growing by the day, then slowly bring up one question per conversation or event. 

Don't be too curious or nosey. 

Relationships are about Vulnerability and trust. Sometimes it's best to let them open up on their own. 

Their willingness to let you know is far better than you probing them in all directions, comes off as invasive. 

Such strategies eventually fail because nobody likes to give out private information right away since the trust levels in the first couple of dates is too low. 

Proceed with caution. Most people lose their partner on the first dates precisely due to this reason. 

 

Also asking too much in too little time smacks of —

• Insecurity
• Impatience
• Lack of respect 
• Invasive
• Shrewdness
• Close-mindedness
• Lack of social tact
• Lack of warmth 
• Serial dating or incel vibe 
• Lack of concern for feelings 
• No concern for privacy 

 

 

Edited August 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[gettoefl]

24 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

 

• Political takes - liberal or conservative 
• Health issues
• Reasons behind divorce 
• Have you ever cheated? 
• Hobbies and interests 
• Source of income 
• Views on homosexuality and transgenderism 
• What do you look for in a partner 
• Opinion on marriage 
• General views on both men and women 

I wouldn't suggest you ask above questions on first date. It's Intrusive. 

But you could come up with nice word salad to get answers to these same questions by twisting the conversation with tact. 

Be machiavellian. 

my question was the MINIMUM needed to sleep with someone and have a firm foundation to build something deeper

these are nice to have not have to have

[gettoefl]

4 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

You should never ask about sexual trauma on the first date. No way. 

If you ask such questions then that person will run lol. 

Space out your questions, one for each date. 

First 4 dates without questions would be ideal. 

If they still like you and want to be with you and your connection is growing by the day, then slowly bring up one question per conversation or event. 

Don't be too curious or nosey. 

Relationships are about Vulnerability and trust. Sometimes it's best to let them open up on their own. 

Their willingness to let you know is far better than you probing them in all directions, comes off as invasive. 

Such strategies eventually fail because nobody likes to give out private information right away since the trust levels in the first couple of dates is too low. 

Proceed with caution. Most people lose their partner on the first dates precisely due to this reason. 

 

BETWEEN 1st date and 1st sleeping together, this could take time

[Tyler Robinson]

@gettoefl yea I mean you need to first develop a rapport with that person, if you're hanging out with them even weekly, you would know answers to a lot of your questions without even having to ask them. 

The biggest fear is losing the person over your insecurities, you don't want that dreaded outcome. They should not have to feel like you're measuring them up and down, it makes people uncomfortable and judged. 

Notice how that person reacts to your questioning. 

Personally I've never liked a guy who is asking me questions. Even 1 question would irritate the hell out of me. I find it Intrusive. 

I never remember asking a guy any questions on any of my dates so far. I just tend to flirt. And allow it to happen spontaneously. 

The only question that would appear pressing to me is about STDs (my biggest fear in a relationship lol), and I definitely make sure to ask that before wanting to sleep with a guy. That's a must. No way in the world am I taking that kind of a risk. 

So that question would be an urgent priority for me if I decided to sleep with the guy past a few dates. 

 

[Roy]

18 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

you misread the question for a second time

No, I didn't.

[gettoefl]

2 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

@gettoefl yea I mean you need to first develop a rapport with that person, if you're hanging out with them even weekly, you would know answers to a lot of your questions without even having to ask them. 

The biggest fear is losing the person over your insecurities, you don't want that dreaded outcome. They should not have to feel like you're measuring them up and down, it makes people uncomfortable and judged. 

Notice how that person reacts to your questioning. 

Personally I've never liked a guy who is asking me questions. Even 1 question would irritate the hell out of me. I find it Intrusive. 

I never remember asking a guy any questions on any of my dates so far. I just tend to flirt. And allow it to happen spontaneously. 

The only question that would appear pressing to me is about STDs (my biggest fear in a relationship lol), and I definitely make sure to ask that before wanting to sleep with a guy. That's a must. No way in the world am I taking that kind of a risk. 

So that question would be an urgent priority for me if I decided to sleep with the guy past a few dates. 

 

it is a serious topic, the rest of your life is in the balance here, we are screening for someone's maturity and readiness to be in relationship

dates are interviews until sex pretty much

[Tyler Robinson]

9 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

BETWEEN 1st date and 1st sleeping together, this could take time

Do you know when I asked my ex for his email ID? You'd surprised to hear this. I asked him after 3 months of dating lol. And I did not just ask. I kinda took his permission, in a way like - "can I have your email address?," and not like "I want your email address." 

I'm extremely polite with this kind of stuff. 

In fact he was pissed off by my politeness, he found it strange that I would ask his permission. 

 

[gettoefl]

2 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

Do you know when I asked my ex for his email ID? You'd surprised to hear this. I asked him after 3 months of dating lol. And I did not just ask. I kinda took his permission, in a way like - "can I have your email address?," and not like "I want your email address." 

I'm extremely polite with this kind of stuff. 

In fact he was pissed off by my politeness, he found it strange that I would ask his permission. 

 

polite has to go out of the window if you want to win the prize, you have to be ruthless since life gives one chance

[gettoefl]

3 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

@gettoefl I'd also make sure to write it all down in a contract, signed in triplicate by both parties and notarized.

Then shake on it. Take photo as proof. Upload to secure cloud drive. Note the time and date. Then have sex.  ? 

perfect - this kind of contract would save lion's share of the questions on this forum - people be trying to have sex with no idea what they should be looking out for

[Tyler Robinson]

10 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

it is a serious topic, the rest of your life is in the balance here, we are screening for someone's maturity and readiness to be in relationship

dates are interviews until sex pretty much

This is solely your perspective. Most people don't think this way. They want to have fun on the first date, like eating out, enjoying a movie, going for a hike trip, hitting the road, meeting in a park ect. Nobody goes to meet their first date with the mindset of an interview. Most dates are informal. The guy tries to woo the girl with some ice cream or coffee. If you turn up on a date with a list of questions in your mind, the woman would instantly get up and walk away. Nobody likes to appear for an interrogation, much less on a first date when it's gotta be fun. If you don't pass this stage, what are the chances your date would wanna sleep with you. Most likely they'll cancel and flake on you for the second or subsequent dates.You can never treat a date like an interview. In fact it's advisable you ask questions after having slept with the person because it gives you a sense of entitlement or authority to do that. 

 

Edited August 13, 2022 by Tyler Robinson

[gettoefl]

2 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

 

You can never treat a date like an interview. 

In fact it's advisable you ask questions after having slept with the person because it gives you a sense of entitlement or authority to do that. 

 

of course dates need to be fun but it needs to be recognised there is a bigger matter to figure out

compatibility

this is not to do with feelings, this is to do with people's lifestyle past present future

to sleep with someone before knowing this is highly reckless and the reason people get hurt

if these issues are covered, chances of being hurt are closer to zero

of course people can lie but if they do then that's a reason to cut them off and ghost them

[gettoefl]

5 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

As far as I can tell people don't generally learn by enumerating the lessons.

that's how a forum can help, this is a 7 question conversation people could avail of

i thought it out long and hard based on experience, it is pretty comprehensive although something may be missing

[Tyler Robinson]

4 minutes ago, gettoefl said:

of course dates need to be fun but it needs to be recognised there is a bigger matter to figure out

compatibility

this is not to do with feelings, this is to do with people's lifestyle past present future

to sleep with someone before knowing this is highly reckless and the reason people get hurt

if these issues are covered, chances of being hurt are closer to zero

of course people can lie but if they do then that's a reason to cut them off and ghost them

If you spend enough time with your date before sleeping with them, you would know whether you're compatible or not. What sort of things are you even going to talk about. Anything you talk about will automatically bring up personal things and you'll the answers. My only gripe is that if you put it like a question or an interview, they might feel intruded on or perceive insecurity. The best Tact is not ask anything at all. You can't be doing compatibility tests on people. You can try this as a social experiment and you'll realize it's a recipe for failure. Most people would be pissed off but they won't show it. Most dates would be canceled. Because compatibility tests are tactless

It's one of those things where having sex is better than talking about sex. 

Some things you just don't do. It needs emotional intelligence. 

 

[gettoefl]

3 minutes ago, Tyler Robinson said:

If you spend enough time with your date before sleeping with them, you would know whether you're compatible or not. What sort of things are you even going to talk about. Anything you talk about will automatically bring up personal things and you'll the answers. My only gripe is that if you put it like a question or an interview, they might feel intruded on or perceive insecurity. The best Tact is not ask anything at all. You can't be doing compatibility tests on people. You can try this as a social experiment and you'll realize it's a recipe for failure. Most people would be pissed off but they won't show it. Most dates would be canceled. Because compatibility tests are tactless

It's one of those things where having sex is better than talking about sex. 

Some things you just don't do. It needs emotional intelligence. 

 

yes the majority of the time together is going with the flow and enjoy their energy charm style ... also recognise there is an agenda at hand and it requires knowing some basic informtaion about the other which each should have no problem sharing and discussing ... it is all about emotional maturity and realizing we have constraints and need to seize the day and not behave like love struck teenagers who want to leave things unspoken and mysterious ... this is a recipie for broken hearts ... it doesn't need to be an interview, you just want to find out the important aspects of their personality