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Shiva99

Feeling trapped in life and dead anxiety

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Hi,

I'm feeling very confused and trapped in life.

I've been unemployed for almost a year, and yesterday i was finally able to land myself a new job which starts this monday. I should feel happy about this, but i honestly don't. It's going to pay me more than i ever had, it's giving me more opportunities than i could ever dream of, I'm most likely going to get a company car etc, but i just can't be bothered and feel very meh about it. The idea that i'm going to have to work again for a boss, the lack of freedom etc is killing me inside.
I really feel like i don't want to work for a boss anymore. I wanna do my own thing, but i don't know what. I lack adventure in my life and I feel a big need for freedom and space to do whatever i want, whenever i want, because life is short as fuck. This goes together with a lot of anxiety about dead. A lot of people that i've known well have already passed away. Even some  of the people that i went to school with, or worked with in the past have already passed away. They were the same age as me (29), which makes me rethink my life like crazy. Dead is something that i've been thinking way too much about lately, and i don't know how to stop being so scared about it. At the moment i don't have any friends, and my mom is kinda the only one that i have good conversations with. For some reason i'm also scared that she's going to pass away soon, because she had cancer twice, and doctors are constantly telling her that she has the body of a 80 year old when she's only 55. If she dies, i honestly don't know what i'm going to do. I'm not sure what i want out of this post. I don't really have a question, apart from how to deal with this, or inspect this further. I'm feeling trapped like hell.

Edited by Shiva99

"I should've been a statistic, but decided to go against all odds instead. What if?" - David Goggins.

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try as it is to try to work on your own. if you have been admitted to that job it will be because you are a competent guy, but if you really have those feelings about salaried work, which I share, do what is necessary to avoid it. use your imagination and give your best. it's possible. Regarding the problem of death, awakening is what you need. do your research and do it

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That feels like strong apathy. Realize this. Thinking will never resolve any of your issues. Only feeling and action will. And if you aren't clear on what type of action you need to take, then start here. Just spend one week in nature, don't do anything else, don't bring a computer, phone or any distraction. Just sit with yourself and take a notepad with you. Start to find out what you want out of life. But don't force it. During your time alone, maybe also go to the city a few times and just walk around and practice feeling your heart. Practice feeling joy and relaxation. Look around. Observe people. Notice how they are feeling. Notice how they make you feel. This process will get you out of your head and into your body. There will come up tension and frustration probably and a bunch of other feelings. Can you sit with all of that? Can you release and get to a place of relaxation? Can you allow yourself to enjoy the moment as it is, a little bit more each day? Can you become more fluid in feeling and imagination? 

From reading this post, it feels like you have a strong want and also strong frustration related to the want. You most likely have a bunch of limiting beliefs and stories about yourself. There is the notion of 'I can't' t when talking about how you want freedom. So slowly, without forcing, when you start to relax a bit more after you've been there a few days, you can start to imagine what your ideal life looks like. Because you spent some time away from distraction, automatically you will sink in your body and your body will guide you to insight about what you want. You need to get out of the mind for inspiration to come. Nature is perfect for this. There is something magical about it's effect on your mind and body. 

You'll feel curiosity to different ideas after a while. You can proactively generate different ideals in your mind and practice feeling in response to those ideas. When you find out your ideal life and you have felt the excitement that comes with that imagined ideal, now you can start to do goal-setting in order to get that life. 

But the reason you are in apathy is because you have limiting stories and beliefs about yourself. Now the goal is used to change your self-esteem. Because the core of apathy is self-esteem. Thinking about your ideal life, you probably feel resistance as well. Distance yourself from it and just feel as if you already would have the ideal image.

The key is also that you can never change your life if you can't exactly envision what you want. There needs to be a set object of focus: Your goal, which by using your frontal lobe, selectively focusses your attention of taking action on that goal. Imagine if the world is empty. And you say 'I want to focus on something'. How can you focus on something if the world is empty? 

In the same way, how can you change your life if you don't have clarity in what exactly you want? So the first step is to work on that. 

You could say 'I just want freedom', 'I want to feel joy and excitement'. But what are the experiences that will allow you to feel that? There is not just one? For me, riding a motorcycle at high speeds in beautiful landscapes gives me thrill, joy and freedom. But also meeting strangers, making friends, dating women is exciting.

So what are all those experiences you would have right now if you would be fully free? 

Once you know all of that, you can work on releasing resistance to those goals and taking action. But again, without clarity, you will always be wanting and thinking about having a better life. But nothing will come from it. 

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@Shiva99 the feeling of life confronting you is basically a massive kick up the ass to make you see how much shit you need to work on. it is not to hurt you, it is to wake you up from how trapped you are in the patterns of a conditioned mind out of touch with reality. 

contemplate, rethink, reframe your values and try to create a life that is aligned with what you REALLY value. that's all. it is your own inner development that will free you and no one will ever save you but yourself

find a group of like-minded people and if you can't get yourself to do that begin with a therapist 


just be here, if you can do it this moment you can do it the next moment

this is the now, now is all that is real, the truth is now, not your concept or experience, just this

is there suffering in this ? work to be done young jedi. me

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