How To Fix Intimacy Issues

[Afonso]

I'm reading the book Radical Honesty.

While reading the book, I decided to make a list of ALL things I've kept hidden or lied to people who would suffer the most from hearing the truth.

Then, I decided to text my ex-girlfriend to meet up for a coffee today so I could tell her about things I kept hidden and lied about during our relationship. I cheated on her the day before I broke up with her. I never told her this.

Reflecting on my affairs brought me to a realization.

I realize I have difficulty in getting intimate with people. It seems things don't quite click. Or I'm never able to really like that person. Or I'm never able to deeply care about that person. I'm going to be honest to my ex, but it's not really because I care about her. I do this for me. I like to think of myself as a lone-wolf that doesn't really need many friends. Truth is, I don't really connect well with anybody. Most people who know me think of me as a social kind of guy. Nevertheless I don't feel truly connected with anyone. Even when I was in a relationship with my ex. How do you handle this issue?

It's not that this issue has kept me from talking to people, approaching girls and partying. I can do that all well. The hole stays there.

When I wasn't aware of this hole (4 months ago), I went approaching a bunch of girls non-stop... kept flirting with girls while in a relationship and eventually cheated. I think that somehow I was trying to fulfill this hole.

I fear this lack of intimacy. I don't like the barrier that exists between me and others. I don't like to get stuck in my head sometimes. I know this is not immutable. I can change. The question is: How?

Edited February 2, 2017 by Afonso

[Christian]

The real question is why do you need to change? There really is no reason because every place you are at in this life is equal existentially. No experience or place is better than another.

You are like a flower that continuously keeps blossoming and even in its earlier stages, that flower is still good enough, right? There is nothing wrong with the flower per se. It is important to realize that first. Accept yourself first, love yourself and see where that takes you.  

[Life Coach]

Don't become a fucking pussy. There is no need of intimacy, in fact it brings you trouble, makes you vulnurable and people think you are weak. Why do you want to connect with people? Why do you want to be intimate with them? No one can bring you what you are actually looking for.This hole will never be filled by anyone else, trust me. And besides, most people are fucking idiots who will not appreciate it, but they will abuse you. Be a James Bond, cool and detached, always keeping everyone guessing and being a complete mystery to anyone. It's better for you and it's better for all the other fools. Stay strong mate, don't let society brainwash you into being a fucking simp. Cheers.

Also most people can't handle the truth and are better off when not knowing it for their own good

Edited February 2, 2017 by Old Soul

[Loreena]

There is a void within you. It may be due to several factors - lack of trust, childhood issues, betrayal, self esteem issues, lack of self acceptance and many more. Lack of intimacy can hurt others deeply because they feel you are neglecting them on purpose. One way to resolve this communication. Communicate freely and openly. Some of the issues mentioned in your post like being unable to connect to people but still being perceived as social stems from lack of self reflection and a type of 'internal introversion' which is not visible on the outside to other people. So they falsely assume that you are very open..At least inside your mind, you are an introvert. Maybe you never confronted your own self. So if somebody asked you an intimate question(let's say your girlfriend), you would be silent or unable to respond effectively because even you don't know that much about yourself. So you will need to be more open and honest with yourself first. Once you get that internal connection, your answers will flow spontaneously and your communication and behavior will be more open, smooth and authentic. Keep a personal diary to record your most intimate thoughts (thoughts that you would normally be reluctant to share). On a side note, flirting is not a bad thing at all. It only boosts your confidence with girls.

Being free and open with your partner/spouse/friend also frees you from any guilt about hiding stuff.. Being more authentic will need some practice. But gradually you will observe a huge shift in the way you feel. You will be more free and spontaneous. Sometimes you feel insecure and you start to care a lot about what people will think about you and that becomes the cause behind hiding, manipulation and lies. And you don't even realize that you are doing it because it's an unconscious process. Once you are liberated from these insecurities about other's perception of you, you will feel more real and strong about yourself. You will not remain in the  'trying to be this person' phase but you will transition to 'I am this person' phase. In this phase, not only will you be intimate with others but you will also start expecting intimacy out of those you trust.

Don't worry now but you will need to work on this.

 

Source : I have been there and suffered....

Edited February 2, 2017 by Loreena