Curing bpd(figuring it out)

[Preety_India]

 

I put all my pain in this song. 

 

[BuddhistLover]

@Preety_India you made that song?

[Preety_India]

@BuddhistLover no. That's a song that expresses my pain. 

 

[Preety_India]

Don't think too much 

 

[Preety_India]

pull yourself up by your bootstraps girl. 

I put some much caffeine in to my body in the last one hour. 

 

I might pass out. 

 

[Preety_India]

Is there a way to deactivate certain lists 

[Preety_India]

There are still things to work on when it comes to my autism. 

I'll strictly be in the emotional section. The only respite. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm still thinking about Reece. 

I'm imagining that Reece wrote a letter to me like he always does. 

He is sweet. 

Although Reece was a bit stalkerish sometimes 

 

 

Edited May 5, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Oki I woke up from a very very bad dream. 

Pathetic dream. 

Either I was being raped in the dream or I was being raped and tortured or someone else was being raped. 

Ugh. 

This was probably the worst dream ever. 

No way. 

I felt putrid. 

Rape feels putrid 

 

Like a decaying smell

I mean that's how rape feels emotionally. 

It feels like I was decaying 

 

The dream had a lot of things in it. 

I was falling from a building. 

The building was on fire. 

There were so many themes. 

I fell but survived. 

Then a group of men grabbed me out of nowhere and began raping me. 

I can't tell. 

If it's me or another woman similarly.... 

And I was screaming for help 

 

So they 

There's this evil woman. 

Who was enabling the rape. 

I could see something like a ball. 

Like a ball.. I don't remember now. 

Like a bunch of balls. 

She would say that if these balls didn't have a white layer on them then they are safe. But if they do. Then it means doom 

 

I think she was chasing another guy  like literally running after him and pleading him to not use those balls 

She wanted to sell them 

 

Weird dream. 

 

[Preety_India]

The Satan is a brain reader, that's how. I feel. 

 

[Preety_India]

I just want someone to hug me because what I'm going through is cruel. 

I just wish to be held caressed and told everything will be alright. 

I want someone to touch me. 

I feel like I'm falling apart 

 

[Preety_India]

The Satan comforts me. 

Yea because they understand you. 

Satan understands me. 

I'm coming to something. 

It's the amalgamation of good and evil 

God understands 

I will look like a loser selfish hippie. 

God knows my heart. 

Why God? 

Satan is not what I thought Satan is. 

 

[Preety_India]

Satan is a rose. A beautiful rose. 

What does this mean? 

God means empathy. God means kindness. 

God means charity. 

Why I feel like I encountered Satan last night? 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Mental illness has a cure. Selfishness has no cure. 

Satan holds my head and lays it down and then slowly enters me and tells me everything will be alright. Satan is so attractive when he does that. 

Now I'm able to cement both sides. 

I was always looking for what evil meant. 

For so many years I struggled between good and evil and what both went. 

Now I see it. 

Clearly clearly clearly. 

 

[Preety_India]

Talking to myself. 

 

It's May 6th. 2022.

6.33 am. 

I went through the biggest awakening experience of my life. 

It's almost like Satan raped me and then told me that everything will be alright. 

And I obliged. 

Why did I have to go through this invisible rape? 

Why did I have to suffer at the hands of Satan through temptation? 

This awakening was huge for me. 

The biggest most challenging awakening of my life. 

Why did I feel tempted to Satan and what was Satan trying to teach me? 

Omg this is big for me. 

I smelt rotten flesh in my dream and imagery of rape. 

Now I realize why I had the dream described above. 

It was Satan paying me a visit. 

It was Satan raping me in my dream 

 

OK so this was huge and massive for me. 

Massive. I had been looking for this for years now. Years. Probably since 2016.

 

I have understood the difference between God and Satan through this awakening and this is massive for me. 

God is outward intelligence 

Satan is inward intelligence

God is outward love. Satan is inward love. 

God is outward energy. Satan is inward energy. 

Satan is sociopath 

Satan is sociopathy personified.. 

I had to be raped by Satan in my dream.. I had to suffer and go through this massive suffering to achieve massive awakening 

God is sweet. But Satan is a drug. 

You see the difference? 

God is virtue. Satan is a shadow. 

This is my final awakening. Fusing both good and evil. 

Why does Satan like me? 

Because Satan is attracted to outward energy since he is incapable of it? 

So it creates this weird bond between good and evil similar to shades of Stockholm Syndrome that I'm not exactly unfamiliar with. 

Now I understand the attraction to sociopaths 

If God is sugar then Satan is salt. 

Reece came from that source. 

Satan is power. Satan is authority. Satan is resistance. Satan is criticism. Satan is possession. Satan is conquest. Satan is 

 

Edited May 6, 2022 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

At least 80% of the population is going to be mega doiche

[Preety_India]

I was thinking of Reece 

[Preety_India]

 

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

Childhood wounds part 1 (feeling loved part) 

❤️The good part 

Things that made me feel loved. 

Childhood wounds part 2 will deal with things that made me feel unloved. 

 

(specific things are at the end of the post) 

 

This topic is extremely serious and personal to me, not sure whether I should even participate. It can bring my wounds to the surface. This shit cuts, deep, deeper and is extremely challenging emotionally. 

But if my deepest experiences help enlighten others, then I'm ready for it.

 

I don't remember being loved by my Mother. Any physical affection she might have shown is either erased from my memory or stopped when I was 3.

 

Our neighbors were cruel and jealous and would do little things to harm our family like starting conflicts or let their children throw things at me. Most of my neighborhood kids bullied me after being coached by their parents. 

My mother was a restless woman suffering Manic Bipolar and showed traits of narcissism. My father was passive and rarely stepped in if she was being ruthless. 

Her behavior is what made me feel unloved and completely destroyed my family. 

Things that my father did that made me feel loved. 

One day I remember my dad taking me to the store and my eyes took fancy to a little white teddy bear plush toy. I told my dad that I wanted it. My dad was dirt poor and it was expensive and my dad told me that I can't have it. When we got back home from the store, I cried profusely because I really liked that teddy. My dad sat there and watched me and then kinda shrugged a bit and relented. He then said that he would go back to the store, pay the money and get me the teddy bear. And he did that. A short while later I was playing with the bear, I was 4 years old. I had thrown a massive fit to get this bear. And I really appreciated my dad being kind enough to not think too much about the money.

I remember my dad frequently taking me to ice cream stores and buying me popsicles, lollipops, candies, ice-creams, anything I wanted. 

He would regularly take me to the market when I was barely 6 years old and show me around on his bike, take me to stores, buy me things, hold my hand while walking, constantly keep a watch over me and teach me how to talk to people, or how to be safe. He was extremely protective of me. 

 

He would come home from work and then take me to the store and next he would take me to a nearby temple to teach me how to pray to God. We were Hindu. Temple was a place of prayer. 

I remember him taking me to the beach every 2 weeks and letting me play with the waves meanwhile he would walk along the shore keeping a watch over me in the hot sun. If I found a sea shell I would run to him excitedly, "Daddy, I found this."  (specific memory when I was 7\8 years old.) 

When I was 6 years old, my dad used to drop me to school and hide behind a church wall (the church was in the backyard of the school), and then he would watch me till I reached the classroom door and then looked back at him and he would wave at me from the corner.

One day I remember when I was 12. I was sitting in the school library reading a science fiction book. I was absent minded and I forgot that my dad had come to the school to pick me up. I was busy reading and left the library an hour later. My dad kept frantically looking for me for over an hour, me being blissfully unaware. And then I randomly began to walk home and toward the nearest bus stop to catch a bus. And I heard my name being called. I turned around and it was my dad. He was crying profusely, tears rolling down his cheeks. I was clueless and I asked him, "daddy what's the matter?" 

And he said, "I had been looking for you everywhere (Preety) and I thought you went missing. Why didn't you call me and tell me where you were? I was dying with worry." 

That was the first time I realized how much he cared for me and how a parent felt not knowing where their child went. I felt his protective nature as a father. 

 

On my 15th birthday, he got me a cat as a gift. He told me he knew how crazy I was about cats.. The cat was sadly murdered by my jealous neighbors within 2 months and I went into shock. 

My dad passed away shortly after that  from cardiac arrest which traumatized me for the rest of my life thereafter. His last words to me very - "try to live no matter what." 

I'll always remember that he wanted me to live for him. 

 

 

11 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Childhood wounds part 2 (feeling unloved) 

The bad part 

The bad part involved my abusive, controlling, emotionally unavailable dismissive, narcissistic, bipolar mother. 

 

Here we go - 

—she would constantly start a fight with my dad over nothing, almost nothing but it seemed as though she always needed some kind of stimulation. My dad telling her how much he cares almost had no effect on her.

—I used to come home from school/kindergarten and I was as little as 5\6 years old and I used to see my mother yelling, screaming and fighting with my dad.

—there was constant fighting throughout the day, it created a lot of emotional stress, worry, tension and nervousness, anxiety that was completely invisible to my mother, it's like it never mattered how I felt. 

-My mother used to hit me often. She was physically abusive and violent. 

One day I was reading and I was feeling anxious and I wasn't ready to go out and buy bread which was her command. She came to me and grabbed the book and hit on my head with the book. 

--my mother normalized abuse of every kind. 

-- not being heard 

- my mother never hugged me even once for more than 20 years. It hurt very deeply that she prevented me any kind of physical affection making me feel abandoned and unwanted 

- No one cared about who I was, what I liked or wanted, how I wanted to live. It was never about me but always about my mother. Everything was to be done was to serve her purpose. I felt less like a child and more like a slave. 

.. 

- Being beaten/hit by my mother to  submission , I could never be myself in front of her. I could never tell her what I wanted. I felt oppressed like a kidnapped victim. 

— I cried almost regularly in silence and cried myself to sleep on the regular. 

— I was neglected emotionally for prolonged periods of time with my mother always watching TV even when I was crying in the background and I was just a little child 

.. 

—there was constant noise, loud yelling and tension in the home 

—my mom would ridicule me in front of others 

—one day she even made me undress in front of my dad and I was barely 12 years old, that event traumatized me. 

— there was zero privacy and she used to creep into my room whenever and however she liked. She would throw out my favorite things in the dumpster and I used to feel very violated.

—she was very controlling and I could not even drink from my favorite cup without her permission.

— I was constantly picked on by my mother virtually over everything. She was literally a bully and sociopath 

— my teachers used to love me and find me a sweet child. But at home, my mom used to make me feel like a criminal.. It made me averse and resistant to any kind of criticism as an adult. 

— if I ever wanted anything, it was met with negativity, dismissal and hostility. 

.. 

— she would pinch me, pull my hair and make fun of it. She would buy me uncomfortable tight clothes. Refuse me makeup. Make fun of my acne or pimples

— she would force me to work extra time. If I didn't clean something her way, then she'd start name calling. She would call me a loser almost every day. I would break out in tears and my pain was stimulating to her.

—she would inspect each and every object I had on the table or closet. If there was something missing in her room, she would accuse me of stealing it.

.. 

— I was made to feel guilty if I wanted to look beautiful. 

— if I called a friend she would snatch my phone rudely and ask me to stop calling people or friends 

— I was not allowed to go out without her permission 

— she would say that I turned out like my dad as an insult 

— she would call me crazy, insane, and often tell me that she would have been happiest if she had aborted me (this was frequently said when I was between the ages of 12 to 16)

 

 

[Preety_India]

He was extremely loving. 

 

[Preety_India]

I'll always love you Reece.