The Usage Of Unused Energy And Tackle My Inner Demons

[Mango1998]

Last Weeks

It feels like weeks I've been on actualized.org and maybe it is like that I don´t know, I don´t have any feeling for time anymore and time does not actually matter to me

Well, last weeks were full of learning and trying not to collapse and I survived them. We wrote first chemistry and one part was good and the other one not so I was at end of the exam totally confused and happy that it was over;D Then English came. I was not nervous at all and I learned only one day before the exam and it should be enough. English is a subject you don´t really know what to learn. You can only prepare yourself for the last task, where you should comment on a topic. And because we wrote about Shakespeare I learned some arguments for and against the relevance of him.  And the exam was totally boring. And it was the first time I almost used the whole time. I really hope, this exam will be better than the others. And on Friday we wrote our last exam, I had mine in history. Both examples were good and I could have done both, so I took the more interesting one about the opposition against Hitler and it was the first time I had time to correct my mistakes I hope I did nothing wrong because normally I use the whole time to write and this time, well it was strange ;D Whatever.

And then we had a party. First, I didn't know whether to go or not but then I went there and it was a good decision. Many people told me how happy they are because I came, I didn´t understand that really but I made me of course happy. And I had a lot of fun. Also I made some good experiences: You don´t have to drink, to enjoy and dance. You just need the right people   I had all of them there. We had a great time. I talked with some about random stuff and with some about serious stuff. and the must fun part was to experience all the people drunk Some were really different, more serious and others were really emotional. And there were some brave. One friend of mine tried a cigarette and first I was shocked when she told me that because she is normally not like that but then I only laughed   Experiences are good, in my opinion and as long as she didn´t get addicted, everything is good and save it will be fun to see her tomorrow and talk about that

Another experiences: People are more themself and easier there. Everyone is hugging everyone and having a great time. Ok there was also one girl crying all the time, but she was the only one.  I wish, I went there earlier

[Mango1998]

Cold showers and discipline and books

I´m trying to get more discipline and so I watched some videos from the flowfinders and one video was about showering cold. So I tried that two times and it´s so fucking hard man. At the first time, I got a strong headache after 7 seconds and I had to ship to hot water and after that again to cold water. Then today it was a little better I could stand ten seconds under the cold water   I need that discipline for school, later studying and then for work. And with discipline, I hope to organize my schedule and manage time, so I have extra time for self-development

I wrote about a month ago that I'm changing my reading habit. And the last book I read, was "The Alchemist". It´s an amazing book and I just enjoyed it. @JKG you have to read it, so we can talk about it Now I will concentrate on some history books. Right now I'm reading " Martin Luther- tzhe human being Matin Luther". t sounded very good

 

[Mango1998]

Cold shower habit failed after about I don´t know exactly but I think a month. That´s just so frustrating That´s why I started a new journal about establishing habits. So hopefully this will work out for me

But I´m trying new things. Two weeks ago I decided to wash my hair only with water, so no shampoo or other stuff will ever touch my hair. It was pretty ugly at the beginning but it´s getting better and my hair is recovering. It´s becoming more full and shiny and I like it

Also, I´m trying to be more honest (because of a book named "Radical Honesty"), talk about my feelings with other people and man that´s hard.

Today, for example, I told my father that I don´t really like him and feel uncomfortable in his company. He got really angry, shouted at me that I´m so thankless and he is dead for me and all that things parents tell when they are angry but don´t really mean it. I didn´t say anything after that, no explanation because he wouldn´t understand that. He has an old-fashioned way of thinking. We can´t actually pick our parents, so we don´t have to like them right? He would never understand that. Also, he thinks that he can compensate love with material stuff but what we actually need is his time, his love, his attention. He doesn´t understand that. He just thinks too much and does nothing. He promises too much, but can´t hold it.

Now we won´t talk for a period and that´s ok with me. I favor that because I don´t have to listen to his dreams he will never achieve because they are just so material and he will never be brave and hard-working enough to achieve them. Tha sounds hard but it´s the truth. He dreams but he does nothing for that. And I don´t want to become the same, so I will become a hard-working and happy person

[Gabriel Antonio]

6 hours ago, Mango1998 said:

Two weeks ago I decided to wash my hair only with water

Cool, @Dragallur told me about that. I also read an article that no shampooing might be better for the hair. My hair gets pretty oily, so I have the habit of washing every single day. There was a time I didn't wash, and I got so much dandruff. Maybe with enough time, the hair will completely recover itself. 

 

6 hours ago, Mango1998 said:

Today, for example, I told my father that I don´t really like him and feel uncomfortable in his company. He got really angry, shouted at me that I´m so thankless and he is dead for me and all that things parents tell when they are angry but don´t really mean it. I didn´t say anything after that, no explanation because he wouldn´t understand that. He has an old-fashioned way of thinking. We can´t actually pick our parents, so we don´t have to like them right? He would never understand that. Also, he thinks that he can compensate love with material stuff but what we actually need is his time, his love, his attention. He doesn´t understand that. He just thinks too much and does nothing. He promises too much, but can´t hold it.

Wow. I did the exact same thing to my dad in the beginning of this year. What has actually helped my relationship with him get better is to proactively look for his qualities. I spent about 6 months without seeing him, and now we are slowly getting in touch more often (about once a week). I have found that it is rather easy to say "honest" thoughts about another person, but it is a challenge to be vulnerable and expose parts of myself that I don't want people to know about it. Anyway, just my two cents...

Keep practicing, and you will naturally transform yourself and your dad--for you two are one.

[JKG]

@Mango1998 I feel kind of proud of you

[Mango1998]

On 14.5.2017 at 9:08 AM, JKG said:

@Mango1998 I feel kind of proud of you

Thank you Mama

[Mango1998]

Special Days

Yesterday we could go and vote. That was somehow something special for me I felt special because I could vote   But the more nice thing came in the evening. I went with a good friend spontaneously to the cinema and we watched a documentary called "Expedition Happiness". There was a couple from Berlin who decided to travel from America to Alaska to fulfill a childhood dream. For that, they bought an old school bus and made a moving apartment   So they traveled to Alaska and then they decided to travel to Argentina. That was so amazing and I learned something from them: Don´t travel too much at once. I hope to do someday the same thing with someone

After the movie, I decided spontaneously to sleep at her home and thankfully my mom was ok with that (because he mother is a friend of my mother :D). We had a lot of deep talk during the night. We talked about education systems, how false our parents raised us, about the relationship of our parents, sexuality.... That´s why we slept hardly five hours

Today was another nice day I was today in Dusseldorf on an information evening and got to know a lot of stuff about my holiday job. I´m kind of excited. I will be traveling through Germany and advertise for good organizations like WWF and some other. And I will earn enough money to travel more that´s really cool

[Mango1998]

By the way the nature and landscape in Alaska and Canada are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo beautiful  Same is with the culture and food in Mexico South  America seems to be very nice

[Mango1998]

I´m feeling great

Today was a day with a lot of sun, warmth and nice air I spent many hours outside, sweat a lot and had ice cream I also made some lemonade and spent some time with my grandfather. He is so kind to me. We didn´t talk much because I didn´t know what to talk about, but that was ok Normally I´m a very chatty person but nowadays I prefer talking less. Words are just words and the most times they are so useless. The conversations are mostly useless. There is no deep intention behind that. So we enjoyed the sun, the wind, and the nice wheater.

I don´t know why I´m writing this, but there was a guy at our home to change some electronic things and we saw us in the staircase and that was such an intense moment for me. I don´t know if he felt the same but it was so filmy and I want to remember that. He came out of another flat and I was going downstairs and there was a short moment we looked at each other's eyes and he had so deep blue eyes (i have a weakness for blue eyes )you could lose yourself in. It lasted only for about 3 seconds but still, there was something. I regret that I didn´t even say "Hello"  

In the book "Radical Honesty" I read a chapter about dealing with anger. It makes so much sense what the guy is talking. I´m not expressing my emotions and especially my anger enough. I want to work on that. Also, I´m letting my small sibling express their feelings more openly. For example, I hated in the past when they cried about little things. now I motivate them ti cry more and let everything out It feels good to do so. Sice then our relationship improved and every time they feel bad, sad, angry or something else they come to me and we deal that together.

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 5/17/2017 at 7:00 PM, Mango1998 said:

Also, I´m letting my small sibling express their feelings more openly.

On 5/17/2017 at 7:00 PM, Mango1998 said:

We didn´t talk much because I didn´t know what to talk about, but that was ok

<3

 

 

[Mango1998]

At Thursday @JKG and I spent some very beautiful hours together. First, we simulated her oral exam That was fun   and afterward we did our usual walk through the forest. This is the best part of our meetings because then we can speak more openly and about things that actually matters We talked about honest things and it did really well to let all that things out of my mind. At the beginning, I was terrified how she will react but thankfully she reacted really honest and told me also some truths. This improved our friendship very well and I want to widen that "strategy" to my other friends, too. So we can also improve our relationship She and I both see honesty as the most important value in a good and working friendship  

Yesterday I got inspired by my grandfather's food and veganized that. It´s "Milk rice" with a berry mix and fresh strawberries. I´m quite proud of that  The rest of the day I was busy with my small siblings and waiting. 

[Mango1998]

Flowers, Good Weather, Quality Time

Today and tomorrow is a flower market in our city. Many people from Germany and the Netherlands came her to sell their products or buy. Because my mom was working, I went there to look for nice flowers for our terrasse but I hardly wanted to buy something

In the past I was kind of a shopaholic and bought so much useless stuff and spent my whole money on food Now the affection to things is removing slowly Thank God! Instead of buying stuff, we enjoyed street food, went on a carousel and enjoyed the sunny day.  My bigger small sister also bought me some Oreos (I love them!), that was really sweet of her Later at home, my small siblings and I started a painting. We will continue with that tomorrow  

[Mango1998]

Negative Vibes

I´m feeling shitty. The day began quite good but my mom had to ruin everything. I´m tired of being her slave. Why do I have to have such parents and such a bad relationship with them? I´m tired of this. I can never please them. I´m not a damn puppet who has no own will and will do whatever they want me to do. This is just so exhausting.

My mom is working four days a week from morning to the evening and has two small kids. And who is chosen to play the new mom? Me of course. I love my sister and brother but I´m not their mom. And when mom is home, she meets her friends, cleans the whole time, is on her phone discussing the matters of the complete world or is the whole day shopping. That´s not what my siblings need. They need her. They already have no father, now they are losing their mom, too.

Yesterday I told my small sister that I will leave them soon and go to study and work. She got mad and wanted to leave with me. She would even leave mom to go with me. My mom is so unfair. She has always a darling and the other children get no attention.

We had a fight because she went twice to the flower market and spent so much money on flowers ( Money we don´t have!) and I had to babysit again although it was my free day. And after about three months the flowers will be dead because she has no time to water them. AND next year she will spend again so much money on flowers she can´t take care of. What is that?? She is so unhappy with her life, her situation, and everything and tries to drown that in material things. She thinks material stuff is love. That´s also why she buys my siblings so many toys they don´t actually want. And well, they destroy them very soon. Such a waste. We could do so much better things with that money.

I tried to tell her how annoyed I´m of her behavior but she hardly listens to me. I really tried to be honest but instead of seeing her own failures and admitting them, she found some in me. What I did wrong and what a bad daughter I am....

I could write novels on that topic but this will cause only more negative vibes.

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Mango1998 I feel for you. Hope things are better with your mom. 

[Mango1998]

@Gabriel Antonio Thanks It´s like the old times. We ignore each other for some time and then we act like nothing happened 

 

[Mango1998]

Wonderful And Crazy Day

Yesterday was my oral exam. I couldn´t sleep the whole night, so I watched a movie based on a real story. This made my appreciate my life again

And then at 4 AM I got rid of laying in the bed and trying to sleep, I got up, made me breakfast and drove to school. I got there at 5 AM I never was at that time at my school   I was even earlier than our second headmaster, I kind of felt proud So, then I had about three hours nothing to do. I just sat there, listened to music, tried to learn a little and then did a power napping.  That made me even more tired and I started to thinking, that I should might not do that exam. But I still went there and that was a good decision.  A lot of people wished me good luck and that they would think of me while I was in the exam. I felt loved

My Maths teacher was over protective she wanted to hold my stuff and gave me water and asked me if everything was alright and that I will make it. That was so sweet We had a half hour to do some exercises and I couldn´t do each of them, that made me nervous.  But that was alright. In the second part of the exam, I had to explain my solutions and I talked about 13 minutes (I was surprised ). In the second part, my teacher would ask me questions and I had to answer them. That went pretty well   Only the last question was pretty hard. i had to calculate the wing area of a triangle and the triangle was pretty weird   It was neither right-angled, isosceles or equilateral And then my exam was over   I felt so relieved and also exhausted  

After the exam, we had to wait about four hours for our results. So my friend and I went to the city I a bookshop, later we played a lot That  was the best part of the day Then finally we got our results and I got an A. I still can´t believe that It´s so amazing

Yeah, then I drove back home and my grandpa was only at home. We celebrated that and he took me to my favourite vegan restaurant (actually I drove us but he paid  :D)  I had a mango burger which was really jummy and as a dessert strawberry cake wit some ice-cream and also some huge cookies

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Mango1998 you're awesome <3

[Mango1998]

Ramadan

Tomorrow Ramadan will start and during my past life, I was fasting the whole time. But now I don´t want to do this anymore. I used Ramadan for self-control but there is no need to do it anymore. There are other and better methods. Apart from the fact that Ramadan is really unhealthy especially during summer. It´s such a torture. No eating and drinking for more than 12 hours. And I don´t know if I can still handle this.

In the past, I was used to drinking only 0.5 liters per day but now I increased the need of water and I need it. 

Now I have to find a way to tell that my mom   That´s the tough part. She counted on me and she is on a religious trip again  That will make it not easy but I want to tell her the true reasons and not another story  I  could tell her I need the energy to learn history (and it would be true. But ONLY partly).

Except that I´m invited to lunch tomorrow

[Gabriel Antonio]

On 5/20/2017 at 7:06 AM, Mango1998 said:

At Thursday @JKG and I spent some very beautiful hours together. First, we simulated her oral exam That was fun   and afterward we did our usual walk through the forest. This is the best part of our meetings because then we can speak more openly and about things that actually matters We talked about honest things and it did really well to let all that things out of my mind. At the beginning, I was terrified how she will react but thankfully she reacted really honest and told me also some truths. This improved our friendship very well and I want to widen that "strategy" to my other friends, too. So we can also improve our relationship She and I both see honesty as the most important value in a good and working friendship  

Yesterday I got inspired by my grandfather's food and veganized that. It´s "Milk rice" with a berry mix and fresh strawberries. I´m quite proud of that  The rest of the day I was busy with my small siblings and waiting. 

That looks amazing, super yummy!

 

On 5/26/2017 at 5:35 PM, Mango1998 said:

But now I don´t want to do this anymore. I used Ramadan for self-control but there is no need to do it anymore. There are other and better methods. Apart from the fact that Ramadan is really unhealthy especially during summer. It´s such a torture.

Yes! You're 100% right. Congratulations for dropping this self-torture.

[JKG]

On 26.5.2017 at 10:35 PM, Mango1998 said:

In the past, I was used to drinking only 0.5 liters per day but now I increased the need of water and I need it. 

how much do you drink now?

 

On 26.5.2017 at 10:35 PM, Mango1998 said:

Tomorrow Ramadan will start and during my past life, I was fasting the whole time. But now I don´t want to do this anymore. I used Ramadan for self-control but there is no need to do it anymore. There are other and better methods. Apart from the fact that Ramadan is really unhealthy especially during summer. It´s such a torture. No eating and drinking for more than 12 hours. And I don´t know if I can still handle this.

I have an idea of how you could appease your mother. You could fast for one day each week - but with drinking water. This is actually very healthy for your body.