How to set healthy boundaries

[Jenkins]

So, I've used to be very social and maintained quite a large social circle.

1 or 2 weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend and I received lots of support and social events invitations, to the point where besides work I partied around a week straight.

I don't want to seem ungrateful to the friends that wanted to be near.

This week I decided that I want to focus more on growing. I have good friends, however some of them are needy and I'm having a problem setting my boundaries straight, yet working on it.

I don't want to be too rude, or too kind and having to explain the fact to them more than necessary.

What's the best way to tell your friends that you will limit (by quite a lot) the time you'll spend together?

If you want to focus on work and they keep asking to hang out?

Should you give any explanations about having not enough time to hanging out as much as in the past?

One of my friends was really helpful, yet he is a little more on the needy side.

Ideally I would have a preview of my week / month and establish then how often and when I want to hang out. 

I started recently to internalize that being selfish isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as you don't overdo it.

I don't want that socialization to impede my growth, especially when I'm not the one wanting to socialize more.

Any tips on how I could approach this situation?

 

[Preety_India]

I'm a person who has struggled with boundaries for the longest time, I thought I would offend my friends and acquaintances if I ever said something. I became very submissive over time, submitting to everyone's demands. 

I thought that being selfish was a bad thing because that's what my mom had taught me, every time I did something for myself I was made to feel guilty 

Long story short I went through many changes this year and one of those changes was to implement boundaries, confront people on their behavior, not put up with shit and find my own peace. So far so good, I have come a long way and I have become successful at doing this finally. 

I have learned to become a little more selfish and not let others vulture on me. 

How did I achieve this? 

1) First is to build your confidence to be able to say no 

Try it. Say a flat out no. This is for confidence building. If someone is offended, don't take responsibility for their feelings. Learn that true friends don't get offended and true people don't play victim to your basic needs. My ex boyfriend used to make a big deal if I slept off after a rough day at work. See? Don't allow such people in your life because they're only looking to meet their own needs at your expense. People who genuinely care about you won't throw a tantrum over you wanting your space. 

2) be aware of what you want. 

Be more self aware. Ask yourself questions. Investigate your own needs and limits. This way you already know how much you can give to someone in terms of resources and time. 

3) Be direct and use a tiny amount of social tact. 

This is a bit tricky. Often when we are too direct, people are hurt. I used to be indirect. If you give excuses about why you can't socialize, you'll always keep finding more excuses. For example if you said, "hey, I can't attend the party, because I have work to do." This works in the moment but then you have to keep giving the same excuse every time someone invites you. Instead be direct yet non offensive like, "hey, I generally do not prefer attending parties. You have a good time." in this manner you end it for good and the person doesn't bug you again. Don't say anything like, "I don't have time for you, " that's too harsh and personal. Always make direct statements without making it too personal. Use "I" in an affirmative and assertive way, for example instead of saying  "why are you asking this?" simply state - "I don't like answering such questions." this way you put the burden of your boundaries being respected on the other person by stating yourself assertively and affirmatively. But instead of saying "I don't like/want to answer you," (that you make it too personal and without tact) make it more tactful and impersonal "I don't like answering such questions." 

The form of communication you use is absolutely important to convey the right impression and still maintain your social image intact. This is tricky and requires you using a lot of Nuance here and there. 

4) asserting boundaries is absolutely important. Initially you can be soft. If the other person doesn't comply or tries to resist your polite request, then be firm about what you want and don't budge or submit. 

 

Also work on self esteem and people pleasing tendencies. I had low self esteem and I couldn't turn people down. Now I do it effortlessly. 

I have adopted the "I don't give a fuck attitude" and truly it works wonders. Once you stop caring what people think about you, you can finally rest easy and be yourself. And don't worry about socialization, because people who truly wish to respect your time and feelings will always be by your side. Those who are offended by you wanting your own space and time can Fuck Off. 

Good luck and have a nice day! 

(first time giving a structured answer.. Lol) 

 

 

Edited December 3, 2021 by Preety_India

[Jenkins]

@Preety_India thank you so much.

It was a very comprehensive answer.

Will try to work on this with the tips given.

I believe having the frame that real friends are accepting your needs and not the reverse is a very good idea.

Best,

[Preety_India]

@Jenkins you're welcome. 

 

[Kalki Avatar]

@Jenkins Stop hanging out with them gradually for them to start to get used to seen you less out. Dont rush it completely. At one point you will get to almost not hanging out with them. Then stop for a while. Then once in a while you hang out with them again and then stop again. Its a process of recontextualizing their perception of you.

I recommend you to be patient, since you might miss them and even need them later. 

When they ask you whats going on, dont tell them you are improving, etc. Just say you are busy with simple things like work, family, chores and need rest. 

Edited December 8, 2021 by Kalki Avatar