Fixing myself.... (no comments please)

[Preety_India]

I want to isolate myself as much as possible. 

Even if it's a painful thing to do. 

It's for my own good. 

I'm too tired dealing with people. I don't need it.. 

Isolation has always benefitted me. 

 

[Preety_India]

Finally getting better than the last two days 

Last two days were pretty draining. 

Need to get back to my art. I can be a bit monotonous. 

 

 

                     

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

You have helped me so much. I can't believe it. 

I have come back to art thanks to you. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I tried making a quick prayer for healing. 

Because I have been so overwhelmed by my home situation. 

It's ridiculous to the extreme. 

 

I don't even feel like writing about it anymore. 

 

[Preety_India]

Lately I have been dealing with too much emotional stress coming from my family. 

I just don't want them. 

I wish I could go away somewhere for a retreat. 

I feel absolutely incapacitated. 

It's like I don't like anything at all. 

I feel like I want a break from my family. 

They have been doing some toxic shit. 

Like nobody is talking to any one because of whatever my mother did. 

And I'm thinking I need time till January to sort things out. 

I have been through so much. 

I just need to take care of myself. 

I'm investing in art in the meanwhile and trying to cope to the best of my abilities with my family issues. 

It's not easy at all. 

But art has been an uncharacteristic and unusual healer. 

 

God give me a breakthrough

 

I really don't want pathetic family members in my life. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Retreats are so awesome. Only if I boatloads of money I would go on a retreat for a week or a month somewhere in the mountains 

Last time I went on a retreat was in 2019 I had spent all of my hard earned money on it. But it helped me find peace. 

It was mega expensive and burned a big hole in my pocket. 

These days I can't even think of something like that. 

I have saved up some money for books and art supplies and art classes in the future. 

I just can't think of going on a retreat 

 

Plus I want therapy for PTSD which is mega expensive in my place. 

I wish I never had to deal with such a family. 

Too many things that went wrong. 

Too much passed

 

Too many things I forgot to take into consideration. 

I tried so hard just to have some peace of mind. 

I distracted myself really badly for years and it did a good job of handling the trauma. 

 

[Preety_India]

One thing that I seriously lack is foresight and given my power of intuition its a huge irony. 

I think foresight and intuition are on the opposite sides of the seesaw. Both complement each other

You need intuition for foresight. 

Without foresight intuition is like a nail without a hammer. You simply look at the nail not knowing what to do with it.

Without intuition foresight simply cannot exist. Intuition is the nail and foresight is the hammer. But you need the hammer for the nail to fit in place. 

I wish I had the foresight with a lot of things. 

 

[Marcel]

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Marcel

You have helped me so much. I can't believe it. 

I have come back to art thanks to you. 

That’s so awesome.

I’m so proud of you ❤️

[Preety_India]

After many many days finally. 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 28, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I think I had ignored you on multiple occasions in my journals. But you still came. So I had to be kinda courteous. Was never interested in talking to you to begin with. 

I have you blocked. You can't message me anymore. Got it???? 

Take your pity party elsewhere. 

And insanity. Who me?? I'm not the least insane. I'm simply overwhelmed. But my life is going to get better. 

So i don't need your advice anymore. 

Keep it for when you'll need it yourself. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I wish I could start my life all over again. 

Like life 2.0

 

You have no idea what kind of life I would create. 

None of this shit will ever get into it. 

We make so many mistakes and there's just so much to learn 

 

 

[Preety_India]

At this stage it's impossible to love my mother

I just hope that there are no more fights. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All I have to do is keep praying that there are no more fights. 

My life is slowly turning for the better after my boyfriend came into my life and I give him the credit for radically changing my emotional and mental terrain @Marcel. Without him this wouldn't be possible.

 

Edited October 29, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I have realized that emotional instability only exacerbates with stimuli and more personal fodder. 

Emotions are like a volatile liquid. 

[Preety_India]

I think I need to have a certain discipline or schedule in my life. 

Last time my mother attacked me I lost all schedule I had built up with great difficulty.. 

I find it difficult to be disciplined and when something emotional or traumatic happens all the built up discipline goes to the drain 

This time I need to be careful to not let that happen again. 

It is her fault that she is violent not mine.. 

I shouldn't let her bother me so much. 

But the fear is very primal. The last time she attacked me my arm was swollen for a month and the fear I experienced was excruciating to say the least. 

Everytime she gets violent it reminds me of the violence she did to my dad and the trauma cycle gets activated. 

I'm normally stable emotionally unless something happens in my family that causes acute mental stress and exacerbates my already vulnerable condition. 

One thing in retrospect that I should have done is to not let all of these family situations to take away my basic sanity and light as an individual. 

I wish back then there was someone to guide me. 

I mean even a couple of years ago like in 2018 would have made a huge difference if only I had the foresight to know what's coming in terms of her attacks and psychotic episodes. 

When she has a psychotic episode things are really very difficult. 

It's crazy and my mind automatically goes into "hyper stress" survival mode. The fear and anxiety is unbearable because I know she can attack again. My body automatically goes into freeze mode when I see her around. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

What could i have done in retrospect? 

I could have taken better care of myself instead of neglecting and abandoning self care which I did for years.

I could have done the counter intuitive thing. 

But instead I did self destructive things like insomnia, playing video games, being in abusive relationships, eating junk food, not taking my medication and constant distraction and crying and self harm. 

There just wasn't a proper way to deal with the hopelessness I experienced. It was too much negativity in my system 

Combined with the lack of money made me miserable. I felt like my life was over. I wasn't ever gonna get out of this woman's hold. So I figured my life was useless anyway. I stopped sleeping and ate very little. 

I lost weight due to hyper stress and I lost memory as well, I mean my memory worsened big time. 

I was slowly killing myself because I didn't see myself getting free from her problems.. 

I had seen my dad die because of her mental issues. I felt I was going along the same route. 

 

[Preety_India]

A new wave of hope 

These days I'm thinking there is still some hope in my situation. Even if things get better financially, the emotional part is a challenge 

I feel like even if she is violent I can handle this somehow. 

If I don't allow myself to be damaged. 

If I really find ways and places to be at so she doesn't discover me. She can be a bit stalkerish 

Last time I stayed away from her at a friend's place she was desperately asking me my address. I kept telling her no.. But she won't have a no for an answer. 

She even followed me to see where I was exactly going. So I took a bus and went somewhere to throw her off the trail 

I will have to use little tricks to evade her as much as possible. She is a total sociopath 

I feel like if she went somewhere things would be so much better.. 

Sadly that's not an option now. 

So I'll try to use escape strategies to get away from this psycho bitch 

 

[Preety_India]

 

One way to mend myself. 

One way to mend myself is to completely stop everything that is self destructive. No more of those games I was playing. 

No more wasting time on unhealthy habits. 

No more listening to bad music to cope with the home environment.. 

Schedule sleep and eating strictly. Last night I didn't eat anything because I felt like I didn't deserve to eat. The emotions of self destruction were quite strong.. I felt sleepy and I slept off and woke up feeling better. 

Just two days ago she was banging on my door threatening to kill me if I came out. So I stayed in my room and didn't even go out for the whole day, not even use the bathroom. It was very painful. So I kept doing my art to distract my mind and not think about the death threats. 

Next day morning I went to the kitchen and she followed me. I was panicking very badly because I thought she would attack me again so I picked my bottle of water and immediately ran to my room. 

It was sheer primal fear. That night I didn't sleep again. The fear was too much. 

But after doing some art work I feel better. 

I channeled all the body stress into my art. 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

We will get through all of this together hun.

I am always here for you. I love you 

I know how difficult self destruction can be, especially when you’re alone.
 

But you have me now hun And I will catch you when you fall and absorb all the impact for you if I have to. 

I want to make sure that you’re safe at all cost I feel incredibly protective about you.

You are worthy You are strong You are loved 

You got this hun 

I love and adore you forever ♾❤️

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel aww. You brought me to tears. With you I feel a sense of hope I never felt in so many years. 

You're so awesome and I mean it.. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

When I read your posts that's what happens to me