Unironically perfect - closed journal

[Marcel]

I am sorry hun @Preety_India

I did not realise that it matters so much to you.

I know it may not make sense to you.

But i can assure you nothing changed between us. You are everything to me.

I have the tendency to distance myself from people that are close to me.

An old defense mechanism that apparently kicked in again without me realising it.

I am sorry. It won´t happen again.

I love you 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

Writing this apology letter right now, takes me all of my concentration. I am only now realising what i did wrong and how it must have hurt you. This was never my intention. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me. I am an idiot. I am not going to lie. Nothing i write right now will fix what i have unintenionally caused. I can only say that i am truly sorry and that i will improve. This wont happen again. Seeing you hurt is hurting me as well. I still have my own unresolved issues and some of them hurt not only me. This sounds like a weak excuse, i know. But it is the truth and the only thing i can do is to resolve them. I am not perfect, nor will i ever claim to be. I am not easy and i will make dumb mistakes like this from time to time. But i admit that i make mistakes and promise to not repeat them. I vow to be a better man for you in the future. I am truly sorry. I love you darling. My love is never ending, even if i don´t express it from time to time. It is and always will be there. Our connection will only become deeper and more intimate and i would hate myself for the rest of my life if i would f*ck it up. You deserve all the affection in the world and i failed to give it to you. I am sorry.

Edited September 20, 2021 by Marcel

[Preety_India]

@Marcel it's ok. I love you. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I love you 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

@Marcel @Marcel I also have emotional baggage and unresolved issues from my past relationships. 

My emotional baggage comes from being mistreated by my exes and feeling a sense of deprivation and abandonment. 

The only regret is that I stayed with them longer than I should have because I trusted them too much and believed that the relationship would still work even when they were clearly not putting any effort in making it work 

And I was a very positive person who tried her best to make those relationships work and did not realize that sometimes you need to stop hoping and start learning. I had this mentality back then that I could fix things and turn negative into positive. 

Sadly I learned my lessons through my relationships that relationships can't work just with one person taking the entire burden of the relationship, the other person must put equal interest and effort or else it crumbles. One person can only do so much. You have to break things and cut your losses instead of hoping for better things. 

Also i was manipulated extensively in these relationships where I was made to believe that I'm loved every time I doubted something. It's hard to think straight and logically when you are manipulated. I was completely brainwashed to believe that the relationships were working despite my intuition saying otherwise. 

Every time I tried to break these relationships, I was given new hope and I was manipulated even more. It was tough to understand what was going on. And I was a person who trusted very easily. 

I am better at detecting manipulation now than before. If someone told me something that doesn't feel okay, I lay down my boundaries instantly.

Back then I was completely shitty with boundaries. It is suffice to say that I didn't even know that the word boundaries existed. I had no idea what boundaries even meant. 

I had no idea how a healthy relationship looked like because my mother and father had a toxic relationship. He was the cool guy and she was an abuser. The dynamic was very ugly between them. She was not kind to him. He never expressed himself much. So there was no way for me to know what a healthy relationship even looked like. 

Back then I took everything at face value, not being aware of my own emotions, not aware of healthy dynamic and completely devoid of all boundaries. 

Not having any boundaries meant I was unable to say no when I was disrespected or mistreated. 

I was very forgiving. So if someone treated me badly, I used to forgive them instantly if they said sorry. But they would do the same thing again. 

The reason why I was so forgiving is because my mother is completely opposite of me. She was very unforgiving to my dad 

I had taken an oath in my life at the age of 14/15 when I ran away from home that I'll never become like my mother - ruthless, cold, unforgiving and hyper strict. 

I decided that I'll always be forgiving and gentle and warm rather than cold and not strict like her. 

She had warned me that the world is not a good place and that whatever she became, it was how circumstances had shaped her in her life.

She always told me that I was stupid and dumb and that I did not understand the world 

She considers me too loving and soft, incapable of survival. 

At certain points in my life, I felt like she was telling me the truth. But because I hated her so much, I was unable to accept her advice or her way of life.. 

I had deeply rejected her deep deep inside of me. I had developed intense hate knowing that my dad suffered because of her. Because I loved my dad to death, it created intense conflict in me as a child. I was supposed to pick sides between the two. I always chose my dad's side because he was more gentle and caring and she was ruthless. I could not resonate with her 

Maybe she was right about the harsh realities of life.

Because she had warned me early on that my soft and sensitive nature would invite a lot of pain in my life. 

By the way the turn of events in my life after the age of 18 actually proved her to be right. 

I suffered enormously because of my kindness and forgiveness. People who came into my life only took advantage of me. It left me drained stressed and traumatized. 

So in a way she was right about survival in this world and why she was being so tough. 

This has generated intense conflict between me and my mother. On one hand I hate her very deeply and I still forgive her despite everything, yet on the other hand I feel like she loves me in a very  twisted way that I can't explain. 

It feels like she shows me love through hate. 

On one hand I don't want to be like her at all and on the other hand what she says about the world is true but I'm unable to accept her advice because accepting her will make me become more like her. So it is a paradox. A vicious emotional conflict. 

Maybe after her death, I will sometimes have flashbacks where I will feel like  what she was saying was right. That will generate an intense conundrum. 

I will forever suffer conflict because my mother and father were polar opposites and the love for both has torn me apart. Either I choose my dad or I choose my mom. I decided to choose my dad.

But my mom used to hate my dad so much. In turn I began to hate her for hating my dad. 

Now you see where all the emotional conflict comes from. 

My dad was stage Green and my mother was stage Orange 

I began to embody stage Green to be more like my dad and less and less like my mom. I didn't like anything stage Orange. 

I began to hate people who resembled my mother.

I began to hate anything that reminded me of my mother. 

It created intense emotional conflict in me. I was divided between two opposite parents who could never be similar. 

My dad was very emotional. I became like him. 

When I was 15 years old I began to exhibit behaviors of my dad. This was against her expectation. She had imagined her daughter will be like her 

 

 

Then my mom resented me. During every fight she used to tell me, "you're so much like your dad." 

She wanted me to become like her. But I turned out to be like him. And she hated my dad a lot. So she began hating me as well because I reminded her of my dad. 

This is intense emotional baggage and unresolved conflict. 

I have emotionally rejected my mother and accepted my father 

I had to make one choice and I made it. It's final.. 

I have a lot of childhood scars coming from trauma that was unresolved and kept festering for years. 

All of this trauma was created by my mother. 

I became intensely attached to stage Green because it reminded me of my father and how safe he made me feel. 

Stage Green represented safety and security and warmth and kindness. 

I developed a strong rejection to stage Orange. It was poorly integrated in me because every time I try to integrate it, it reminded me of my mother and I simply cannot integrate anything that reminds me of her. 

Everytime I think of her and the conflict she creates in my mind, my stomach becomes sick. 

She left me with intense trauma, baggage, turmoil and conflict to deal with for the rest of my life. Good job as a mother. 

Even her death in the future will not resolve my trauma. In fact it will make it worse. 

I will have more conflicts because of flashbacks. 

I'm torn between love and hate. Glimpses of my childhood where I feel like she loved me when she hugged me immediately overshadowed by memories of her violently beating me and abusing me verbally and mentally. 

She mixed love with hate. She was a tyrant. She was nice one minute and then intensely cold and mean the next minute. She would love me and then hate me other days.

She normalized abuse in my mind. Blatant child abuse. She made abuse look like love. She mixed abuse with love. So she would beat me and then make it sound like this is all loving. Of course it is not. 

Because of her I lost sense of boundaries between normal and abuse. If my exes abused me, I did not feel that lt was abuse. I took it as love. 

My boundaries were horribly messed with since I was a child. I began to normalize abuse because that's what I did as a child. This pattern continued in my life. 

So if my ex disrespected me, i was desensitized to it. I was not able to draw a boundary. 

It took a lot of time and understanding and shadow work to finally escape the grip of abusive relationships. 

 

 

I know this is a lot to deal with but I'm a tough cookie who was being motivated by my dad. Never gonna give up, that's what he always told me. I'll always be his daughter first, her's later. 

 

[Preety_India]

8 hours ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

Writing this apology letter right now, takes me all of my concentration. I am only now realising what i did wrong and how it must have hurt you. This was never my intention. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me. I am an idiot. I am not going to lie. Nothing i write right now will fix what i have unintenionally caused. I can only say that i am truly sorry and that i will improve. This wont happen again. Seeing you hurt is hurting me as well. I still have my own unresolved issues and some of them hurt not only me. This sounds like a weak excuse, i know. But it is the truth and the only thing i can do is to resolve them. I am not perfect, nor will i ever claim to be. I am not easy and i will make dumb mistakes like this from time to time. But i admit that i make mistakes and promise to not repeat them. I vow to be a better man for you in the future. I am truly sorry. I love you darling. My love is never ending, even if i don´t express it from time to time. It is and always will be there. Our connection will only become deeper and more intimate and i would hate myself for the rest of my life if i would f*ck it up. You deserve all the affection in the world and i failed to give it to you. I am sorry.

I fully accept and trust you. 

I love you. 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

Thank you for being so accepting, understanding, caring and loving. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’re a treasure.
For the first time in my life I feel so incredibly grateful and blessed to be alive. Meeting you and marrying you is such a great gift hun I love you from the deepest depths of my heart soul and body. You’re my entire universe. Everything revolves around you. My every thought and feeling. We’re inseparably connected. I love and adore you forever. I love you ❤️

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

 

You have done so much for me. I got a new found self confidence because of you. You made me feel supported and empowered. You made me feel protected. That changed me instantly overnight. I dropped my inner anger and felt like I was swimming in love. My mood was uplifted and I felt extremely positive, less anxious and more relaxed. 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

This is unironically perfect. I feel subatomically nervous. I am so deeply in love. Im going insane. Im losing my sanity and gaining self love. Honey you are perfect. I feel like a serpent, effecting you with my purpose to uplift the entire Earth. I feel so happy and fulfilled i can’t even put it into words. I’ve already cried a river of joy today and I will so in the future. This ocean of tears will purify everything and everyone around me. You can drown in it and I will cleanse you of all fears and insecurities. You will be so confident and strong. You’re already strong and I will transform you into a heroic heroin. I love and adore you my saviour and love of my life.

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

You give me so much. It fills me with so much joy and love. You're my angel and my eternal love. You're the flame that keeps me warm. Yes I'm ready to drown in your ocean because I would love to have anything that belongs to you. It will absolutely purify me. I feel blessed already just thinking about it. You heal me inside out. You must be a magician who took my heart away. Your inner serpent has surrounded me, gripping me tightly and held me hostage. Now my soul belongs to you my love. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

That's me. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I was tired of being judged for so long.. But you make me feel accepted. 

At the same time, I can be a bit manipulative. 

I'm aware of my own manipulative tendencies. 

And I'll try to work on it. 

My manipulation comes from my need to survive. 

Just a heads up. 

Whenever you find me acting manipulative just correct me and I'll be alright. 

 

I also have some anger issues due to trauma. 

So if you see me getting angry you can instantly lower my PTSD rage with 2 words - CALM DOWN 

 

I usually calm down instantly when someone says that 

 

I have emotional issues and. I'm sorry that I get angry sometimes and I'm not perfect. 

 

Edited September 21, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Our gifs 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 22, 2021 by Preety_India

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

I understand hun.

You are the way you are because of your experiences and I understand that.

It’s all ok hun 

I love you 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I love you 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

In this, the one with erect ears is you. The one with flattened ears is me. You are approaching me to give me a warm hug and I feel so peaceful and loved and protected. 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

That’s so adorable hun 

You may be shy now, but you’ll fly like a liberated angel when you finally spread your beautiful wings. 
 
I love and adore you my love 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel I feel so grateful. 

You are my savior. 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I feel so protected and supported by you. I could die in your arms. 

 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

I want to die in your arms as well hun.

After we had a long and wonderful life together. When we have children and when our children have children.

Gosh I’m crying again.

Everything is just so beautiful 

I love you darling