Blackrose and Periwinkle

[Preety_India]

For me the word death means a lot of things. 

I constantly tend to associate good feelings with it. 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

How do I love myself more? 

This question is not about self image issues that girls usually have. I don't have issues regarding looks or body image, most of the time I am fine with it. 

I don't even hate myself. 

But deep down I feel like I don't love myself. Like it's all hollow there. There's no hate. But also there is no love there. 

It feels empty inside. I have empathy for other people and I quickly reach out to people who need help or support. 

One day a friend of mine said to me - "you are good at taking care of others, but you fail to take good care of yourself." 

I never feel like I'm important enough. It is always others others others. 

My family never taught me that I was important enough. In fact they always did the reverse. 

I was always told to sacrifice myself for others. 

As a result if I needed help, I never asked 

I would help others in my family but never myself. 

I would schedule appointments for my mother but not for me. 

If she needed to eat, I would go hungry that night 

 

The problem is that all this tendency has bottled up over the years to where I no longer feel myself deeply 

 

I feel like a dead tree dying. 

I feel like I never have myself. There is always something more important to do and it's not related to me. 

Deep down I feel tons of self pity because I was made to feel undeserving of anything good for years as a child. 

I was tirelessly nitpicked on by my mother, constantly criticised 

If I ate an extra morsel I was called selfish. I developed a shadow against self care and selfishness. 

If I felt uncomfortable doing something for her, I was labelled selfish 

If I felt lazy or unwell and did not schedule her appointments, I was called selfish and useless. 

It was as though my whole life was a duty to others 

I have come to realize that this pattern dominated my life and caused me immense suffering to the point that if someone showed me love and acceptance I would break down in tears 

I never felt loved and accepted by my family, except for my dad who died years ago and I don't have much of a memory of him.

Feeling isolated and disowned by my own family made me feel very vulnerable and unworthy. 

 

 

How do I feel strong enough to love myself from deep within? 

The inner  feeling of worthlessness doesn't go away no matter how hard I try. 

 

[Preety_India]

I feel dead inside. 

The only thing that makes me feel better is my new found love. 

 

[Preety_India]

I usually don't feel worthy of anything but my lover Marcel makes me feel a bit worthy from time to time. 

 

I feel very safe with him 

 

He is my knight in shining armor. 

 

Whenever I'm with him, I feel loved and accepted. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

You are the hero of my life. 

 

I never felt I deserve someone like you. 

You made me feel loved and accepted. 

I usually don't feel worthy of anything but you make  me feel a bit worthy from time to time. 

 

I feel very safe with you 

 

You are my knight in shining armor. 

 

Whenever I'm with you , I feel loved and accepted. 

 

You are giving me so much confidence that I lacked for so long. 

I never felt so much confident in life before meeting you 

You make me feel so wanted and accepted 

My family almost made me feel unloved and discarded. 

But you make me feel accepted. 

I trust you blindly 

 

After meeting you I feel very motivated and encouraged to improve my life 

I never felt like I could do anything better. 

But with you I feel like I can do a lot 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

We're not even Marcel and preety anymore. 

We are Blackrose and Periwinkle. 

 

Yours a black heart and a black rose and mine a pink heart and a pink Periwinkle.. 

 

??

 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Marcel]

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@Marcel

We're not even Marcel and preety anymore. 

We are Blackrose and Periwinkle. 

 

Yours a black heart and a black rose and mine a pink heart and a pink Periwinkle.. 

 

 

Agreed.

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

How do you know that I always wanted to name my child Michael. 

That's such a coincidence Btw. 

Yea I wanted to name my son Michael and if I had a daughter I would name her Heather or Grace. 

 

 

For me Michael is the purest name for a son. I always believed it to be the best name for a man to have. 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel for me the name Michael is important because it reminds me of Archangel Michael. 

That's why in my mind Michael feels like a holy name. 

 

Grace reminds me of being graceful and taking things with grace and if I had a daughter I would teach her exactly that. 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

 

 

You are Blackrose 

 

 

 

 

I'm a pink Periwinkle 

 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

 

This is yours 

Black heart 

 

 

 

 

 

And a pink heart. 

 

 

 

 

The setting is perfect my love. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2021 by Preety_India

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Yea I wanted to name my son Michael and if I had a daughter I would name her Heather or Grace. 

That is so freaking weird, I was thinking earlier today that I'd call my daughter Grace if I ever had one! Always loved the idea of having a son called Michael too, always liked the way it sounded for some reason!

I've just googled the meaning of the name Michael (I'm weird like that) and apparently it means, 'Who is like God?' or 'Gift from God', and Michael appears most prominently in the Bible in the Book of Daniel, which seems appropriate for me  

[Preety_India]

@RickyFitts

Hehe. Interesting. 

 

 

 

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

It seems you´re connected to the both of us somehow bro lmao 

Me and preety are able to exactly predict each others thoughts sometimes, it is fascinating to say the least.

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel Does seem that way mate, yeah! 

11 hours ago, Marcel said:

Me and preety are able to exactly predict each others thoughts sometimes, it is fascinating to say the least.

Wow, that's so cool!  

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

I have tears of joy thinking about you. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

Yesterday I was dreaming about me sitting in the forest waiting for you and this picture reminded me of that. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

Ours is a melody of blackrose and Periwinkle. 

If I have to honor a Blackrose this dress is perfect in my opinion. 

It has delicate and intricate designing. 

I always wanted some Goth element to my love relationship. I have explored this idea in my old journals as well. 

Where I imagined myself to be a Gothic princess in love with her Goth prince 

 

 

I wish it had more rose detailing. 

 

Edited September 19, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

Our love is filled with so many coincidences. 

Yesterday I was talking about finding you at a headstone. And waiting there. 

Today I saw the picture in my feed. It's mind boggling how dots keeps connecting us. 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

@Marcel

I love love red lipstick. I used to have this picture as a profile picture for some time. I know I changed so many profile pictures because they were so artistic to me. 

This picture is one of my favorite profile pictures I had selected. 

It shows the red jewelry I'm really obsessed with. I just love costume jewelry and I have several pieces and I will show you some day, right now they are all scattered in my old closet. 

So in this picture I really love those red glittering earrings and the red pin in the neck 

Can you spot something in the picture? 

Hint - look for black. 

 

 

 

@Marcel you're intelligent so you'll figure it out.

 

Edited September 19, 2021 by Preety_India