My private feelings /that's the fate I had chosen deliberately/a new leaf

[Preety_India]

I'm not too clever in any department. 

I thought I was retracting back to my former self. 

 

Edited September 10, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Really what do people achieve by playing games? 

I'll never know. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I closed so many chapters on so many people last week. Gave them back as much as I could, stood up for myself. Didn't care about social validation or anything. Chose my own path. Asserted myself firmly. Told them to FUCK Off. For good. The torment is over and everything is settled. 

Time for a new leaf

 

 

Time for new chapters 

 

I was already a recluse and I think I'll always remain one. 

Nothing pleases or surprises me about people anymore. Same old passive aggressive games. Same old covert 2 faced nonsense. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

People asked me why was I so angry. 

 

Maybe because it was GIVE BACK time. 

 

That's why. 

 

I was done with people. 

I was done being constantly fucked with. Being fucked with my emotions. Being played and mistreated. Being felt unaccepted, unbelonged and blamed for nothing. 

 

If you fuck with my feelings, I'm obviously going to react. What do you expect and why do you expect better of me when better was never given to me? 

 

The question is - if you constantly keep disliking and hating me and show  general contempt, then why do you expect that I'll treat you better? 

Where is the consideration for my emotions and feelings? 

 

I'm not a wall that you constantly get to punch how you wish. And when I  defend, I'm blamed again for the defense.. 

 

If you do hate me so much anyhow, then leave me to my fate and just let me be. Why the need to constantly project your hate on me? 

 

 

 

At some point whatever hate you put into my system is going to boil out and over. Shouldn't be a surprise that I get angry. 

I have always been mercilessly triggered and set up to always react without any show of compassion, sensitivity or appreciation. 

 

Am I not a human? Am I your punching bag? 

And what gives you the right to decide if I'm victim or not? 

Maybe I do feel victimized deep down. Maybe you can't feel how I feel and so you can't relate. But can you understand that you trying to judge my situation doesn't help me at all? 

You saying that I'm a victim only perpetuates my pain because it comes from judgement rather than empathy. 

You can say I'm a victim. But that invalidates how I already feel. That makes the cycle even more vicious because you are putting your fingers deep into my wounds rather than healing them. So maybe don't do what doesn't help if your intention is to help. If your intention is to judge and condemn me then I don't need it because I don't see it fair. 

 

What I need is the opposite of judgement. I need understanding. And if you can't understand things the way I see them, then don't even bother to judge because your judgement without understanding is false. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Some people aren't good at portraying themselves in a good way and I'm one of those people. 

I can't pretend to be something that I'm not. 

I have never done that and will never do that no matter what. 

I have always been myself. 

 

(I don't need your breadcrumbs appreciation) 

 

If you don't like me, that's fine, but I'm not going to change to who you want me to be, I don't have to, I don't need to. If I change, it will be my own will and wish and at my own pace. 

I cannot dance to other's tunes 

 

I always remain who I am authentically. And if you can't love or appreciate me for who I am, no need to throw dirt on me. 

Keep that dirt with yourself. 

 

I can do better and I'll always do better. 

I will find my footing eventually. 

I might not have great confidence but I have an innate confidence whereby I don't stoop down to Shamelessness just to appease public approval. 

I don't need public approval 

I don't need to do anything to win favor. 

I can be myself, dying and rotting away in my own ditch, not caring about anyone, and simply reject everyone around me, because I don't need your half hearted love and sympathies that I didn't ask for. I'm cool even when I'm dying, at least I lived my life on my own terms, not caring what others think. 

 

The hell with everyone who speak absolute nonsense about me, who don't care to appreciate, but always care to judge. Who hate me because they can't stand me. 

 

And if you think I'm doing this for attention, then understand that I'm doing this as GIVE BACK. 

 

I'm so done with all the constant negativity thrown at me. I decided I wasn't going to be your punching bag. It was my time to give back to each one of you who had done me wrong and mistreated me in your unique ways. 

Deal with your judgement and hate you have on me, don't throw it on me. And don't expect me to be lying down if you think attacking me should not come with a defense. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I am not here to impress you 

And I don't mean to say this in an arrogant way. 

I mean to say that trying to impress society or a group in of itself looks manipulative and dominating to me. 

It's about getting favorable ratings. And please spare me that. I don't scout for ratings. 

(Btw, women are always rated one way or another) 

I don't need large number of people coming to me and saying how much they like me. 

I don't wish to be praised or put on a pedestal. 

But I don't deserve to be hated either. Especially when I haven't done anything personal to you. 

I'm no Saint nor do I pretend to be one, nor do I want to ever be. 

So spare me your virtue signalling. 

 

I'm okay by myself and as I walk on the path of emotional independence, I'm more and more by myself. 

 

I get it that you don't feel like respecting me but don't disrespect. 

 

Some are blatant attacks on character (how else are you going to put a woman down other than blaming her character, I mean what better way to satisfy oneself) 

And some are covert attacks in the shadows behind closed doors. 

This is not my imagination. 

I do feel punched all the time. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

So just because I don't lick your ass and don't bend to your nonsense, doesn't mean that I should be constantly shit on as punishment. 

Because no matter what, I will still stick to who I have always been. 

It's my integrity and need to be myself 

Nobody really stands between me and my self 

 

 

[Preety_India]

In regard to whatever happened last week, I will update my policy on how I'm going to be interacting with people from now on. 

I will need to change a bit and keep things strictly official. 

I have nothing personal with anyone anymore. 

So no personal fucking.... That's already stopped. 

I am going to be harder on myself. 

Every communication is going to be as non personal as possible. 

That is only "hi" "you're welcome" "how are you" "thanks" etc. 

This type of communication doesn't allow for manipulation by the other party 

 

There is going to be greater self awareness. The feeling of "people are watching me," which I never wanted by the way, but I guess I will have to settle with that. 

And greater self restraint. 

 

I don't like the social aspect of this forum. Too much spiritual Ego and I can handle it no more. 

 

So no more socializing here. I'm going to abandon the social aspect of this forum altogether. 

I don't like games and being caught up in them. 

 

 

Bigger changes are on the way. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Dealing with people stresses me out a shit ton.

 

I don't like speculative nonsense. 

I have never been into too much gossip. 

 

For a majority of my life, I always struggled with how to deal with people and maintaining a favorable public image. 

It was difficult because maintaining a favorable public image also meant not being my true self, compromising on who I really am, blocking my own expression and assertion, pretending to be someone or something I'm not, pretending to be a good person. 

But this is not my Forte. I don't like to pretend to be a good person. Should I be punished because I'm not Miss Goody Two Shoes? 

 

 is the price to be authentic in public to be paid with - constantly held against myself, constantly demonized and attacked and insulted and made to look worse than who I am? 

I simply like to be who I am. I like to be my authentic self. Anything else feels like spiritual abuse. 

A person who wants to authentically be their true spiritual self is going to be having a hard time among a bunch of all high and mighty spiritual Egos 

 

I get it, attacking me makes you feel better. 

Attacking me also gives you a a chance to look better than me. 

 

To compete with me and against me. 

 

Like someone said earlier on the forum, this forum is more competitive than collaborative. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I am an emotionally active person.. 

There's a difference between being emotionally active and emotionally reactive. 

 

I know that my journal will always get a lot of views. I never had the luxury to not be judged. 

I never had the luxury where people weren't too interested in me. 

Even if I sat far far away from people, they would always turn around/behind and look at me. This was always the case. 

As a result, I spent a majority of my childhood and adult life running away from people and in total isolation. I didn't develop any social skills because Being around extroverted people felt like a non stop torment. 

Everything that belonged to me was ripped apart.. 

Everything was pried open and looked into. 

I was never allowed a sense of normalcy. Privacy was never taught to me. Respect was never taught to me. 

 

My mom would not even knock on the door. 

She would directly pull my  bedsheets while I slept. 

I was followed wherever I went. In school people would come to me even if I sat alone. 

Nothing was ever normal. 

All of my stuff was public anyway. 

And it weren't public, it created even bigger problems. It meant endlessly defending myself and providing endless explanations where I would then need to expose all of my private secrets. What was the point of hiding secrets anyway if it were to be brought to the public without my permission? 

The point is I don't have an obligation to explain shit. 

I realized quickly that being public actually gave me more protection against "games" than being private. 

Being public meant no more explaining to do. 

Being public meant  some form of defense. 

 

Being public meant not having to be an extrovert. 

Being public meant that I could remain silent and still expect people to know things about me which would be difficult to explain otherwise without context. 

It's like watching my life as a long soap opera, and explaining someone who hasn't watched it from the beginning and that would be a shit ton of explaining. And if I made my whole life public, I wouldn't need to explain them from the start. 

When it's all public anyway, the context becomes clear. I'm absolved of the burden and the responsibility to explain everything. 

Being public was also protecting myself from more Introversion and false shame. 

Instead of living with this burden that people could be misinterpreting me if I haven't let them know enough. 

Now if they still misinterpret me despite knowing everything about me that anyone can ever know, then it's not my burden anymore, it's their prejudice and bias and upto them to deal with it. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I am an emotionally active person.. 

 

There's a difference between being emotionally active and emotionally reactive. 

I'm emotionally active. I see emotions in walls, in colors, in objects, in songs without lyrics, in everything. 

I live emotionally. My whole life was a long journey of emotional torture. Emotions occupied a huge portion of my life. 

I remember suffering separation anxiety and crying enormously as a child when my parents didn't come to pick me up. 

Everything I perceived was from an emotional lens 

I never sat down and discussed anything objectively or analytically. 

That doesn't prevent me from being logical. I am an INTP so I used a lot of logic in my interpretation. 

But my predisposition is largely emotional which means even the logic that I used was emotional logic.. 

(I drifted into sleep while writing this post momentarily, because it's so heavy for me. All of this venting out is a lot of stress and I get exhausted) 

I don't objectively analyze people, I simply feel them.

I sense people. I sense environments. Even though I use logic my feeling and sensing are super accurate 

It's because the psychic or parapsychic part of my brain is well developed.. 

I accurately predicted my father's death. I suffer premonitions. 

I get psychic messages about people who are deeply bonded to me. 

For me sensing things wasn't probably my born nature but it something I adopted over time because that was my only survival. There was no way I could objectively analyze people since I was such an introvert, I wouldn't look at anyone, I always looked down, the only way to absorb and survive my environment was to sense it. 

On top of everything I suffered social anxiety which completely prevented me from being an extrovert. 

The only time I showed some extroversion was when I needed to ask for something from anyone. 

This emotional survival mode in childhood caused my brain to hugely develop psychic abilities over time. 

I rely on logic to connect things together. 

But behind that logic I rely on vibe, sense and themes to get my ideas across and to download my environment effectively.. 

That is the only way I navigate my environment is through senses, vibes, themes and colors 

 

This propensity is well reflected in all of my journals. 

All of them have a certain feel, texture, vibe, theme, presence and a certain emotion to it. 

Every vibe is different. Every theme is different even if the subject is same. 

 

This is because I tend to live through vibes.. 

You cannot box me into practicality. 

If something doesn't feel right, I don't do it even if it's beneficial to me. 

If someone doesn't feel right, I cut them out, even if they might be beneficial to me. 

 

It does not matter if a person is materially beneficial to me, if I don't vibe with them, they are out of my field of vision. 

All my life, my survival depended on my emotions. 

If I didn't feel right in a place, I stopped existing there. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

I am an emotionally active person.. Not a reactive person. 

In fact I don't like to react. 

So when i react, it's my worst side being put on display, probably out of spite. Probably because I need to be made to look bad for people's amusement. 

 

Whenever I react emotionally, and I do it very rarely because I just don't like to be in that state of ranting and anger or argumentative, (it's not good for my health anyway). 

So whenever I react emotionally, it's because I'm inadvertently being set up for it. I am made to react despite not wanting it. 

Now you can say that I can ignore it. 

The problem is how much can you ignore and how long? 

There's always a point where I feel i need to address and stand up for myself against ridicule and destructive criticism. 

There's a point where too much ammo is used against me and I feel the need to retaliate because swallowing too much of it feels like cowardice and a dent in my self esteem. 

I'm not a coward or lame duck nor will I put up with constant assaults on my self worth which is my main trigger button since my mother Ruthlessly attacked my self esteem for years (narcissistic parental abuse) which gave way to my eventual trauma and PTSD that I still suffer even  Today. 

So anything that even remotely attacks my self worth becomes my trigger button. 

And there are plenty of people online who simply love to push that  button again and again. 

Maybe if people learned that triggering others is inherently sociopathic, I wouldn't need to fly in a rage or get into defensive mode all the time. 

 

(when you see me getting angry and overly emotional, what you're witnessing is PTSD rage, I developed PTSD rage over years of constantly being attacked by my own family, needless to say at some point you have to show rage and anger to make all the bullying stop) 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Anyway at some point I feel this will all die down

Maybe people won't be interested in me if I simply stop talking to especially those who love to give me attention. Especially negative attention. 

Only talk to those who truly appreciate and understand me and openly so. 

I don't need backstabbers. 

I don't need people who privately act kind and nice and publicly ignore me or isolate me and play games. Women do this a lot especially, much more than men. That's too much covert nonsense to handle. 

And nor do I need people (especially women), who publicly praise me or act with goodwill but privately play gossip behind my back and act covert or stir the pot to rile up others against me. 

I don't need these two types of people. 

Public gives me protection from games. 

So when someone honors me publicly yet don't play games behind my back, it makes me feel more secure and comfortable with such people. 

I like how  Gianna does posting here in her journal. I need to learn from her. If someone disagrees with her in a non constructive way she immediately gives them back right on the spot and makes it clear out and out that she won't take it. 

I like how she said, ". I'm not going to read the rest of your posts on this thread, you're clearly misunderstood. I'm sorry" 

I probably need to cultivate that. 

 

 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

. Why even bother to talk to people who don't put the effort to understand you and intrinsically don't appreciate your presence, only superficially acknowledge you  out of public decency or whatever. 

 

 

For the sake of sanity and harmony,  only talk to those who truly wish to understand and genuinely care about, don't wish to trigger or constantly condemn, don't want to make me look bad for their own happiness, don't play covert games behind my back or in front. Only those who truly appreciate you, support you and want to be genuinely there for you, are happy sharing your happiness. Are generally glad to have met you and happy for you without being covert or covertly  dismissive about it. 

No place for jealousy or envy. No need to invite such people. 

 

 

Being publicly open when it comes to praise is instrumental. It works as an insurance policy. Insurance against "playing games kind of people." 

When someone publicly and openly appreciates you (don't get me wrong such people can still play covert games behind your back), things are a bit easy, they are not suddenly going to back pedal unless they are a psycho, they have a responsibility towards what they had said to you and a responsibility to honor that. 

So the emotional safety net with such people is stronger and better. They won't flip out on you that easily, at least. 

Here you have to take three things into consideration. 

Understanding - these people want to put the effort into understanding you instead of disengaging and invalidating your perspective and nature. They don't want to gaslight you. 

Appreciation - they show genuine appreciation and respect to what you say and do,and not mixed with dry humor or stupid sarcasm. Not superficially saying something sarcastically, but actually putting you down in the same gesture. Their praise isn't contrived, fake or forced. They aren't doing it because it's general  public manners. They aren't doing it because they are shy to show it publicly as it puts a certain responsibility (the type where they might think that they might be offending your haters by praising you publicly, well in that case you don't need them appreciating you anyway, they are the kind of people who "hey I wanted to send you this private card to say hello, but I won't do lt publicly because I feel embarrassed to be  associated with you publicly and I don't want people to know that I support you in which case you get more leverage which I actually don't want you to get, I often see this with people who follow me but don't want others to see that they are following me, like my followers list will show 104,yet it is actually 110 followers, it seems like a sneaky act, at some point I would have gladly appreciated if the forum was Simply done with the social part, hard to integrate both social and PD aspects into a forum, because the social aspect really becomes cultish at some point where you have camps of people either supporting you or against you,which is inevitable the more you interact with people or you're just generally hated or just generally liked, both contributing to the cultish aspect.) 

The appreciation needs to be natural and authentic, a key to good interpersonal relationship on a social platform. The appreciation needs to be from the heart and quite bold, not a half hearted lazy one (women are generally good at lame and lazy appreciation, they kinda show like they are appreciating you but it's always filled with some off the cuff sarcasm that makes it sound more like a  shady remark than true appreciation. Beware of lazy appreciation)

Openness I have always observed that the people who I have gotten along with most are very open and openly friendly in their nature. They don't shy from publicly accepting or appreciating me. They don't suffer insecurities with me. They aren't holding a shadow of doubt around me. Such people have lesser tendencies of being passive aggressive to me. They are openly affectionate without holding anything back or against. They are also less Egotistical in comparison to those who pay a compliment but make it sound like they had to move a mountain for making a simple gesture. Paradoxically those who feel like they might be appeasing my ego if they complimented me are the ones who suffer ego issues the most themselves. It takes a person to be more humble and  less Egotistical to be able to compliment others without doubt or guilt. I call them the open people. They are high on openness. They are not only openly affectionate and appreciating but they make  communication much simpler and easier without playing into insecurities and or awkward silences, there is no room for misunderstanding because they want to be forthright and assertive and get everything resolved and done with, not leave you unnecessarily stressed by intentionally leaving gaps in communication and leaving you wondering or perhaps leaving you feeling bad about yourself or under appreciated or disrespected. It's simple. They don't want you to feel that way. They don't want any misunderstanding. They don't simply leave you hanging on without closure. They want harmony between you and them and that's exactly what they strive with open communication. In short they don't want any hard feelings, any cold shoulder treatment, no silent bullying, awkward pauses, playing victim, no gaslighting, they just want to be openly confrontational so everything between the two of you is fully brought out in the open, in short they don't want to be a sneaky bitch about it. If they love you they want to love you openly. 

 

 

These are the three qualities I should look out for creating harmonious interactions with people so I don't end up emotionally reacting. 

 

I mean if you want  to block the cycle of darkness in your life, begin by blocking the wolf in sheep's clothing lurking around you. 

 

 

 

 

its a lot of fuck everything else outside of love for me.

 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

14 hours ago, lxlichael said:

@Esilda  its a lot of fuck everything else outside of love for me.

You got this, whatever you're dealing with.

 

[Preety_India]

 

3 other things that I can add to the  list are 

 

• No drama (there shouldn't be drama in interpersonal relationship) 
• No victim playing 
• No 3rd party triangulation (one of the most common culprits in relationships and the biggest indicator of narcissistic tendency involved in your partner/friend etc) you already set the boundary that the relationship will always be one on one. 
• Respect for needs and space 

Victim playing is what my second ex used to do a lot 

He would accuse of things I never did solely to play victim and make me feel guilty. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

So here's a compiled list for interpersonal relationships building that can be used as a handy checklist. 

• Understanding
• Appreciation
• Openness 
• No drama 
• No victim playing 
• No 3rd party (triangulation) 
• Respect for needs and space 
• Emotional Maturity and EQ
• Respect for boundaries - no violation of boundaries. 
• No control - the person should not control you 
• Mutual growth, freedom and support 

 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

3rd party triangulation was a very common phenomenon I experienced in my 3rd relationship with Joseph. 

He used to always bring another woman in the relationship and make me compete with her for his attention. 

The bullying and emotional abuse in that relationship was massive. 

If it weren't a woman, Joseph would set me up to fight with his family. And when his family didn't react well, blame would be placed on me. This is clear cut narcissistic triangulation which is a hallmark sign of narcissistic abuse in relationships. It's a way of control through a third party. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

• Understanding
• Appreciation
• Openness 
• No drama 
• No victim playing 
• No 3rd party (triangulation) 
• Respect for needs and space 
• Emotional Maturity and EQ
• Respect for boundaries - no violation of boundaries. 
• No control - the person should not control you 
• Mutual growth and freedom and support. 
• No propensity for gossip 
• No negativity (constant negative talk is dangerous) 

 

In a healthy friendship there's little space for gossip. 

 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

Understanding

Appreciation

Openness 

No drama 

No victim playing 

No 3rd party (triangulation) 

Respect for needs and space 

Emotional Maturity and EQ

Respect for boundaries - no violation of boundaries. 

No control - the person should not control you 

Mutual growth and freedom and support. 

No propensity for gossip 

No negativity (constant negative talk is dangerous) 

 

 

Edited September 11, 2021 by Preety_India