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Preety_India

My private feelings /that's the fate I had chosen deliberately/a new leaf

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Degree of obsession. 

If your partner or friend is unhealthily obsessed with you, watch out for those signs. 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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The last point about negativity is a huge deal.. 

Being around a negative person is an absolute nightmare. 

Case in point is my mother. 

I did not hear her say one positive thing in years. 

For example I could be having coffee with her and she will start talking about rape. And I'll be like No - "early in the morning, I want to enjoy my coffee and not have to hear about rape in the news." 

Or we could be sitting at a park and she will start gossiping about neighbors. I will be like "stop." 

Whatever comes out of her mouth whether it's gossip, news, negativity about my dead father, complaining, whining, there's nothing that comes out of her which has any positive value or constructive /productive nature to it. 

Every thing that comes out of her mouth is dipped in negativity 

Like if I said I want to try a new hobby, her reply would be something cynical like "don't kid yourself, you can't do that" 

And in situations of emotional abuse she could get extremely abusive like verbally abusive like "you're a loser", "you're this or you're that" 

It's tough to be around her. 

I cannot think of even a single interaction in more than 5 years that I would consider as "positive" or "happy" or "cheerful '

My mother has Bipolar for more than 2 decades and her bipolar is extremely difficult to deal with. 

She is taking treatment but it doesn't really help. 

Being around a Bipolar disordered person can be a nightmare to live with depending on the severity of their behavior. 

When she is manic, she gets violent and I had to be at the receiving end of her violence many many times. 

Bipolar people start drama for nothing. 

Bipolar people don't respect boundaries. 

 

I don't have much respect left for her anyway unless she invests seriously into healing.. 

 

Her behavior caused massive losses to the family. 

My father started suffering health problems early on because of her. 

I suffered anxiety because of her constant abusive behavior and violence. 

 

 Living with her was like living in absolute hell. 

 

From my personal experience, living with a bipolar person can be extremely dangerous to health, not to mention stressful. 

 


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It wouldn't be an understatement to say that I had exhibited extreme patience while dealing with my mother. 

But it all came with a huge price. I suffered both physically and mentally 

The only reason I ever put up with her is because she is my mom 

 

Over the years I have learned to forgive her, although it's difficult. 

. My father's death/passing is a constant reminder or how toxic she was and how much of her toxicity ruined our family. 

 

She is also NPD along with being bipolar. 

So i suffered narcissistic abuse for the majority of my life with her 

 

It was always like walking on egg shells around her. 

I remember as a teen my hands would tremble really bad if I had to hold a glass of water and if she was around. 

She had cultivated massive anxiety in me because of her narcissistic abuse.. 

Much of my self esteem and boundary issues directly stem from being subjected to narcissistic abuse throughout my formative years. 

Today whatever health issues I have, they're directly because of her. 

 

 


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  • Understanding
  • Appreciation
  • Openness 
  • No drama 
  • No victim playing 
  • No 3rd party (triangulation) 
  • Respect for needs and space 
  • Emotional Maturity and EQ
  • Respect for boundaries - no violation of boundaries. 
  • No control - the person should not control you 
  • Mutual growth and freedom and support. 
  • No propensity for gossip 
  • No negativity (constant negative talk is dangerous) 
  • Unhealthy stalkerish obsession (look for such  signs) 
  • Positivity. Humour, fun, games 
  • Mutual activity. (good friends and partners do things mutually) shared activities. 

 

7mzClk3.jpg

 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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I think because of my mom and my experiences handling her terrible behavior, I developed a lot of emotional resilience which was very much exploited in my last relationship. 

 

My patience was taken for granted all the time. 

If you're happy with a relationship then you're simply happy. 

If you're trying to cope with a relationship, well then that's not a relationship. It's destructive 

 

 

P8FkdQe.jpg

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

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The self destructive. Drama creators. 

Egotistical. Selfish and self serving. Takes a toll on your self worth 

The gossiper

The envious 

. The whiner 

The criticizer.

 

Edited by Preety_India

INFJ-T,ptsd,BPD, autism, anger issues

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  • Understanding
  • Appreciation
  • Openness 
  • No drama 
  • No victim playing 
  • No 3rd party (triangulation) 
  • Respect for needs and space 
  • Emotional Maturity and EQ
  • Respect for boundaries - no violation of boundaries. 
  • No control - the person should not control you 
  • Mutual growth and freedom and support. 
  • No propensity for gossip 
  • No negativity (constant negative talk is dangerous) 
  • Unhealthy stalkerish obsession (look for such  signs) 
  • Positivity. Humour, fun, games 
  • Mutual activity. (good friends and partners do things mutually) shared activities. 
  • Trust 
  • No constant criticism (you cannot have a healthy relationship with a constant criticizer) 

 

 

 


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Don't try to listen to them in a row or back to back. Emotional songs can be bad for mental health sometimes because getting too emotional can impact heart. So emotion whether it's heavy or sad or romantic, all are slightly harmful to a degree.

 

I have had dizziness when I got too emotional. So I don't do a lot. If I get too emotional I take a break and go for a walk to get the emotion out and calm it.

Any emotion activates sympathetic nervous system which is not good for heart eventually. People who are emotional are prone to heart attacks like my father.

 

So the only thing that doesn't impact the heart is restful peaceful calm non emotional songs or neutral light happy songs or deep calm songs.

 

Emotions are also like exercise

 If you do too much your brain and heart can have a breakdown. I have been through plenty of breakdowns at your age.

 

So now i listen to mostly calm non emotional music.

 

 

 

 


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I never had anger issues growing up. I was extremely calm. But my mother caused me to suffer to a point where anger became my second nature. 

Most of my Rage is PTSD rage 

 

Maybe I think what I need is not silly rage at my level of mental development. I need conscious rage.

 

So I have to be careful to transmute it to motivate me to do work or fight rather than simply exhaust myself with useless rage

 

I made massive changes spiritually in last 2 years of 26000 posts

 

Edited by Preety_India

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People who are addicted to emotions generally suffer cardiac issues over time.

(im already suffering some cardiac issues) 

 

I was addicted to emotions all
my life. After I suffered dizziness, my doctor advised me to calm my emotional states.

Now I try to balance my emotional responses. My emotional range is higher than average

 

You need self control. 

Try to engage in 3 types of states that are emotionally light - Romantic/sexual, happy, and peaceful.
These ranges generally are more healing than disturbing.

Sadness, anger, pity, self harm, confusion are the most unhealthy emotional states where they can almost destroy your peace of mind. Notice whenever you are in such a state. 

Immediately throw such states out of your system. They are needed only for occasions not all the time

 

Self harm is a pretty heavy generally. 

 

Learn to keep your emotional state and frequency at optimal range. Within limits. Its like how you manage food intake.
Your emotional state should be either happy, upbeat, loving, romantic, sexual, peaceful, calm, rhythmic. Etc. And your emotional frequency is the level to which you experience these states. Not too deep and not too light. For example if you listen to calm music all day long, it's not good because it is declining heart rate to a level that is unhealthy.
So your frequency should be moderate and balanced, neither too much nor too little.
Similarly with masturbating. If you do too much, it will get you tired and dizzy.
Everything has to be moderate.
You have to slowly fine tune your frequency and adjust. 

 

 


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Always check your emotional state from time to time throughout the day. Slowly you train your mind to do it. 

 


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Death is an important process for me

 

Because to me dying means cessation of suffering. 

Weirdly, when my father died, it was 9 pm in the evening and my first reaction was happiness. I did cry but inside me I was feeling happy, since his suffering of a lifetime came to an end

Suffering to that degree has an abnormal impact on the brain. I don't hate anyone because of it.. Not that I have love for everyone. It's just that I don't have hate for anyone. It makes no sense to harbor hate because you realize at some point we are all fucked anyway. There's no point in hating someone. Suffering spares no one, only the degree matters. 

I went through extreme suffering, that is unexplainable in words, too complex to explain and too easy to simply take in

It's not so much about how I explain it but who I explain it to.. Suffering at an existential level is only understood by an open heart, a closed mind will always find ways to puncture the wounds deeper or pour fuel.

I also don't find any point in speculation, because it only serves your ego. Instead of trying to speculate, I try to resonate. Because maybe that's what a person needs when they are feeling down in life. They don't need your speculation. 

I also believe that whatever happens to us, death or disaster has a clear meaning to it, has a role to play and is somehow tied to our spiritual destiny. It's the "why" of our life. It happens for a reason and is a part of our spiritual process/journey. 

I never had the maturity to understand things on an existential level or a Meta level for that matter. It was always taking things in the moment. 

Life was so fast and freaky there was no time to sit back in silence to decide what to do next. 

I've realized that when there's too much chaos in the system, everyone suffers.. 

Some of you who have the luxury to hate me probably haven't suffered enough in life to be able to forgive others. 

When I see people fighting over petty things, I feel a sense of derision and pity. Because I have seen worse things in life. I have seen to much to know that fighting over silly things is just a luxury to have. I could never fight over silly things because silly things never happened in the first place. Everything is a blur back to childhood. 

 

 


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Truth defeats everything that is against it. 

In life there are only 2 kinds of people. Those who care about the truth and those who love to troll the truth. 

Those who care about the truth operate on a different frequency intellectually and emotionally. 

Those who troll the truth operate on a frequency that only serves their biases. 

We can be very intelligent beings yet hold a ton of biases among us. 

We can shift the narrative to confirm our biases. 

If bias is what you want, bias is what you will find. 

At some point, the realization sinks in that some people just won't change even after a lifetime. Some people just would never take you seriously.. Some people just want to hate you and nothing can change that. Nothing will change them. These people just don't serve a purpose anymore. They are there to hinder you, to make you feel punished rather than accepted. You simply have no better choice than to take the higher road. 

 


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I have reached a point in my life where I don't care how someone perceives me. It's none of their business to begin with to decide who I am and or what I am even without putting the slightest effort to know me? 

 


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Feeling surprised 

 

When love came my way, I felt very surprised. I'm not the most loving person in the world, yet I'm also not hateful enough. I'm somewhere in middle where I can have some normalcy as a person. 

I was never shown love in life except by my dad who passed way too early to be able to make sense of anything. 

By my mom - hell no. The only last time that she hugged me was when I was 11 years old. I don't remember anything after that. 

Majority of my childhood was loveless and just boring, tensed and sad most of the time. I don't remember a single happy moment. Any happy moment was immediately ruined by my mother's cynicism. 

The house was not a place I liked. It was poor, cramped, dilapidated with very little room to move so you were mostly just sitting in one corner throughout the day, bored and listening to all sorts of negative banter. 

There was nothing to like or be inspired by. 

I remember only one emotion from my childhood - anxiousness. 

I was very anxious around my parents constantly fighting and bickering. It had a huge impact on my psyche. 

Parents should know not to fight in front of children, especially if a child suffers from anxiety already, it is very cruel to fight in front of them, it's tantamount to child abuse. 

 

 


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Feeling surprised. 

When you open up your wounds to people, they either understand and empathize with you or simply ignore or invalidate you. You quickly realize who is who. 

Being around people who never give you a closure or acknowledgement of your pain hurts. And so is equally hurtful when people act or pretend like they are empathizing only to double down and invalidate you further the next moment. 

The thing is intentions usually become clear one way or another. Your inner energy always shows. 

You can break trust once. You can break trust twice. You can't keep breaking trust forever. Somewhere down the line, karma has a way to show things, things become synchronous enough to show you what resonates and what doesn't. 

I have always been a simplistic person and it provided me some form of protection. This kind of matured understanding of things is quite heavy for my brain and quite stressful to process. 

I was never the one to understand things deeper than my intellectual capacity would allow 

 

 


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Feeling surprised. 

As a child I was never shown love. I was never shown normalcy. I was never shown respect. I was never shown creativity and openness. 

I had to suppress a lot of my feelings. Being open was considered bad. My mother would shut me down often if I cried. 

If I cried, it was considered a psychological problem. I was considered a mess. I was heavily judged. 

I was judged for every little thing, to the point that I developed some form of phobia of judgement. 

I remember a user on the forum saying 

She can't handle criticism. She shuts down whenever she is criticized. She is easily triggered. She is so Angsty. 

I'm not surprised by such observations of myself. 

Yet I feel let down rather than understood. 

I wasn't brilliant when it came to articulation either. Some people can easily put word to their thoughts and express their pain. Whereas for me, I felt very immobile when it came to expressing my feelings in words. It's like words would just never come or it took forever to be able to say what I really wanted to say and if I could ever achieve that, much of what I said wasn't worded right and subject to a ton of misinterpretations and then it was my job(and a tedious one), to keep debunking and dissecting each one of these misinterpretations one by one and the anxiety of doing this meant that I would simply escape the argument or dismiss it letting the misunderstandings simply hang around, causing more confusion and inviting more judgement in return for simply opening up. 

This made the process difficult... (the feeling that I carry now is like I'm in a hospital and the doctors are still discussing what to do but with every minute my condition is only getting worse, I stand no chance to the elements trying to destroy me, irony being a big part, the more someone tries to help me, the worse it gets paradoxically, it will take an extremely highly intelligent brain to detect this paradox and see the picture and problem for what it is. Tears just flowing down my cheeks as I stare helplessly knowing that it's too late for anyone to care, knowing the inherent irony of the situation and how it's playing out, having nothing at my disposal other than acceptance of whatever is happening, but an inner resistance to this acceptance, coming from knowing that all of this wasn't my goddamn fault, it's happening to me, and I'm just a spectator of my own misery. Its a vicious process of self torture but there is no way out of it than simply knowing that things were meant to be this way. There were times when I cried but nobody wanted to look at me and I wish somebody had looked in my direction and seen and understood my deeper wounds, I wouldn't have expected them to do anything for me, there was not much that they could do anyway, yet just my pain being understood might have given me some solace. It's like I did everything in my power that an intelligent being would do to make things better yet these efforts were in vain, these efforts weren't visible to anyone, so all that anyone saw was me simply languishing and doing nothing. And I was judged again. Judged as unproductive, useless or lazy. There was no escape. No matter what I did, I came back to square one. I had a huge tide in front of me, and swimming against it was simply impossible, yet expectations were placed on me that I had to swim. I would had every chance at victory but the process was (by some weird cosmic bad intent) made excruciatingly difficult. So everytime I hear or read the words "this made the process difficult" I'm reminded of the feeling I had. It's lodged in my subconscious and keeps coming up from time to time. It's like echoing in my brain. My brain desperately trying to find an answer to - "why was this process made so difficult?".... And no answer to such questions, in fact even asking such questions was futile.) 

 

 

 

 


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I also have emotional baggage and unresolved issues from my past relationships. 

My emotional baggage comes from being mistreated by my exes and feeling a sense of deprivation and abandonment. 

The only regret is that I stayed with them longer than I should have because I trusted them too much and believed that the relationship would still work even when they were clearly not putting any effort in making it work 

And I was a very positive person who tried her best to make those relationships work and did not realize that sometimes you need to stop hoping and start learning. I had this mentality back then that I could fix things and turn negative into positive. 

Sadly I learned my lessons through my relationships that relationships can't work just with one person taking the entire burden of the relationship, the other person must put equal interest and effort or else it crumbles. One person can only do so much. You have to break things and cut your losses instead of hoping for better things. 

Also i was manipulated extensively in these relationships where I was made to believe that I'm loved every time I doubted something. It's hard to think straight and logically when you are manipulated. I was completely brainwashed to believe that the relationships were working despite my intuition saying otherwise. 

Every time I tried to break these relationships, I was given new hope and I was manipulated even more. It was tough to understand what was going on. And I was a person who trusted very easily. 

I am better at detecting manipulation now than before. If someone told me something that doesn't feel okay, I lay down my boundaries instantly.

Back then I was completely shitty with boundaries. It is suffice to say that I didn't even know that the word boundaries existed. I had no idea what boundaries even meant. 

I had no idea how a healthy relationship looked like because my mother and father had a toxic relationship. He was the cool guy and she was an abuser. The dynamic was very ugly between them. She was not kind to him. He never expressed himself much. So there was no way for me to know what a healthy relationship even looked like. 

Back then I took everything at face value, not being aware of my own emotions, not aware of healthy dynamic and completely devoid of all boundaries. 

Not having any boundaries meant I was unable to say no when I was disrespected or mistreated. 

I was very forgiving. So if someone treated me badly, I used to forgive them instantly if they said sorry. But they would do the same thing again. 

The reason why I was so forgiving is because my mother is completely opposite of me. She was very unforgiving to my dad 

I had taken an oath in my life at the age of 14/15 when I ran away from home that I'll never become like my mother - ruthless, cold, unforgiving and hyper strict. 

I decided that I'll always be forgiving and gentle and warm rather than cold and not strict like her. 

She had warned me that the world is not a good place and that whatever she became, it was how circumstances had shaped her in her life.

She always told me that I was stupid and dumb and that I did not understand the world 

She considers me too loving and soft, incapable of survival. 

At certain points in my life, I felt like she was telling me the truth. But because I hated her so much, I was unable to accept her advice or her way of life.. 

I had deeply rejected her deep deep inside of me. I had developed intense hate knowing that my dad suffered because of her. Because I loved my dad to death, it created intense conflict in me as a child. I was supposed to pick sides between the two. I always chose my dad's side because he was more gentle and caring and she was ruthless. I could not resonate with her 

Maybe she was right about the harsh realities of life.

Because she had warned me early on that my soft and sensitive nature would invite a lot of pain in my life. 

By the way the turn of events in my life after the age of 18 actually proved her to be right. 

I suffered enormously because of my kindness and forgiveness. People who came into my life only took advantage of me. It left me drained stressed and traumatized. 

So in a way she was right about survival in this world and why she was being so tough. 

This has generated intense conflict between me and my mother. On one hand I hate her very deeply and I still forgive her despite everything, yet on the other hand I feel like she loves me in a very  twisted way that I can't explain. 

It feels like she shows me love through hate. 

On one hand I don't want to be like her at all and on the other hand what she says about the world is true but I'm unable to accept her advice because accepting her will make me become more like her. So it is a paradox. A vicious emotional conflict. 

Maybe after her death, I will sometimes have flashbacks where I will feel like  what she was saying was right. That will generate an intense conundrum. 

I will forever suffer conflict because my mother and father were polar opposites and the love for both has torn me apart. Either I choose my dad or I choose my mom. I decided to choose my dad.

But my mom used to hate my dad so much. In turn I began to hate her for hating my dad. 

Now you see where all the emotional conflict comes from. 

My dad was stage Green and my mother was stage Orange 

I began to embody stage Green to be more like my dad and less and less like my mom. I didn't like anything stage Orange. 

I began to hate people who resembled my mother.

I began to hate anything that reminded me of my mother. 

It created intense emotional conflict in me. I was divided between two opposite parents who could never be similar. 

My dad was very emotional. I became like him. 

When I was 15 years old I began to exhibit behaviors of my dad. This was against her expectation. She had imagined her daughter will be like her 

 

 

Then my mom resented me. During every fight she used to tell me, "you're so much like your dad." 

She wanted me to become like her. But I turned out to be like him. And she hated my dad a lot. So she began hating me as well because I reminded her of my dad. 

This is intense emotional baggage and unresolved conflict. 

I have emotionally rejected my mother and accepted my father 

I had to make one choice and I made it. It's final.. 

I have a lot of childhood scars coming from trauma that was unresolved and kept festering for years. 

All of this trauma was created by my mother. 

I became intensely attached to stage Green because it reminded me of my father and how safe he made me feel. 

Stage Green represented safety and security and warmth and kindness. 

I developed a strong rejection to stage Orange. It was poorly integrated in me because every time I try to integrate it, it reminded me of my mother and I simply cannot integrate anything that reminds me of her. 

Everytime I think of her and the conflict she creates in my mind, my stomach becomes sick. 

She left me with intense trauma, baggage, turmoil and conflict to deal with for the rest of my life. Good job as a mother. 

Even her death in the future will not resolve my trauma. In fact it will make it worse. 

I will have more conflicts because of flashbacks. 

I'm torn between love and hate. Glimpses of my childhood where I feel like she loved me when she hugged me immediately overshadowed by memories of her violently beating me and abusing me verbally and mentally. 

She mixed love with hate. She was a tyrant. She was nice one minute and then intensely cold and mean the next minute. She would love me and then hate me other days.

She normalized abuse in my mind. Blatant child abuse. She made abuse look like love. She mixed abuse with love. So she would beat me and then make it sound like this is all loving. Of course it is not. 

Because of her I lost sense of boundaries between normal and abuse. If my exes abused me, I did not feel that lt was abuse. I took it as love. 

My boundaries were horribly messed with since I was a child. I began to normalize abuse because that's what I did as a child. This pattern continued in my life. 

So if my ex disrespected me, i was desensitized to it. I was not able to draw a boundary. 

It took a lot of time and understanding and shadow work to finally escape the grip of abusive relationships. 

 

 

I know this is a lot to deal with but I'm a tough cookie who was being motivated by my dad. Never gonna give up, that's what he always told me. I'll always be his daughter first, her's later. 

 


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