During my suicidal moments

[Preety_India]

Yo bitch 

 

      I'm a Pisces 

 

 

[Preety_India]

My personality is very Piscean.. 

My closest personality  match is NIRVANA frontman Kurt Cobain. 

I'm suicidal and enigmatic like he was.. 

Plus I have a huge need for spreading my wings as far and wide as possible. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

What happens when you don't give a fuck....... Like at all. 

My mind is racing right now. It's on fire. 

There's tiny bit of stage Red in me especially when I'm angry. 

I can go on a rampage but I generally don't. 

I'm very visual. All my thoughts are like images. 

                 

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[Preety_India]

#tryingtogetmylifetogether

 

 

[Preety_India]

Honestly why was I so late? 

So late to the party. 

But better late than never. 

 

It's ok to be late. 

 

 

[RickyFitts]

You're wonderful, Preety, I love you so much  

[Preety_India]

@RickyFitts yo thanks B. 

 

 

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

You´re not complicated to me at all.

I feel that i understand you inside out.

We both almost killed ourselves several times and therefore it´s easy for me to relate to you.

I continously feel that we are the same person, one soul split in two bodies.

If you need time to open up to me then that is completely fine.

I want to give you all the time in the world.

I was like you for many many years and know how much trust and strength it takes to be vulnerable.

So good on you for opening up in your journals.

I´ll just try to support you the best i can in our journals darling

[Preety_India]

#tryingtogetmylifetogether

What things aren't good? 

If you ever want a relationship, have a good relationship or don't have at all. 

That's my way. 

My last boyfriend, it was more like friendship so I don't even count it as a relationship. 

 

So total 3 boyfriends. 

My 1st boyfriend - almost no relationship because we didn't even talk for months.... There was no giving. There was no love. Loveless relationship. He did not create love or joy. There was zero growth. He did not love me.. 

Don't be with someone if you don't feel like you love them. Don't keep them attached. That's emotional cruelty. You keep them bound to yourself because you simply need a girlfriend. 

My 2nd relationship - he wasted my time. Don't waste someone's time. You're exploiting their time. Zero commitment. Deception. Using others. Holding me hostage to superficial affection 

3rd relationship 

Very abusive. Almost 3 years long. But very abusive. Quality of the relationship really bad. 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

@Marcel

[Marcel]

6 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

#tryingtogetmylifetogether

What things aren't good? 

If you ever want a relationship, have a good relationship or don't have at all. 

That's my way. 

My last boyfriend, it was more like friendship so I don't even count it as a relationship. 

 

So total 3 boyfriends. 

My 1st boyfriend - almost no relationship because we didn't even talk for months.... There was no giving. There was no love. Loveless relationship. He did not create love or joy. There was zero growth. He did not love me.. 

Don't be with someone if you don't feel like you love them. Don't keep them attached. That's emotional cruelty. You keep them bound to yourself because you simply need a girlfriend. 

My 2nd relationship - he wasted my time. Don't waste someone's time. You're exploiting their time. Zero commitment. Deception. Using others. Holding me hostage to superficial affection 

3rd relationship 

Very abusive. Almost 3 years long. But very abusive. Quality of the relationship really bad. 

 

 

 

 

4th relationship

Deep and Intimate connection. This relationship will last forever. Open minded and Caring. 

There is no abuse, judgement or shame in our conversations.

He might just set a good example for others.

[Preety_India]

Relationships are complicated I know. 

But what I have gleaned from my train of  relationships is this. 

• Have fun 
• Try to be giving rather than taking 
• Don't possess or guilt the other person. Bad idea. Careful here. Because there's a huge difference between being possessive in a loving manner and being possessive in a selfish shallow narcissistic manner. 
• Do not abuse emotionally or physically or mentally 
• Let the person have a happy experience with you 
• Don't Cheat emotionally or sexually 
• Don't exploit someone's time for your entertainment. Using someone is also narcissistic behavior. You can't justify using someone 
• Love is eternal.
• Have the best intentions in mind. Be a giver.. Don't be a  taker. 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Marcel said:

 

4th relationship

Deep and Intimate connection. This relationship will last forever. Open minded and Caring. 

There is no abuse, judgement or shame in our conversations.

He might just set a good example for others.

Blessed. 

 

[Preety_India]

44 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Relationships are complicated I know. 

But what I have gleaned from my train of  relationships is this. 

• Have fun 
• Try to be giving rather than taking 
• Don't possess or guilt the other person. Bad idea. Careful here. Because there's a huge difference between being possessive in a loving manner and being possessive in a selfish shallow narcissistic manner. 
• Do not abuse emotionally or physically or mentally 
• Let the person have a happy experience with you 
• Don't Cheat emotionally or sexually 
• Don't exploit someone's time for your entertainment. Using someone is also narcissistic behavior. You can't justify using someone 
• Love is eternal.
• Have the best intentions in mind. Be a giver.. Don't be a  taker. 

 

 

Another thing I wanted to add here is the vital difference between loving possessiveness and shallow selfish possessiveness. 

Loving possessiveness is real, pure, unadulterated and natural. It is passionate and affectionate. It is loyal and it comes from really wanting that person really really badly. From the heart.. 

 

Understand this difference. 

Shallow possessiveness does not come from heart but from ego. It comes from a narcissist ego that wants to have a person just hanging around. 

It's almost as if I had a relationship simply because I just want a person to compliment me. Not because I truly want them. I'll call it shallow possessiveness

In this the person tries to create an illusion that they still want you but they actually do not want you, they act like they want you, they basically keep you hanging in the balance. 

When a person truly wants to possess you, this possession creates a strange sexual dynamic, a psychosexual dynamic which I'll define as true and pure love 

 

Post in progress. 

 

 

 

 

Example of loving possessiveness 

Do you feel closeness in your relationship? 

 

If you feel like the other person truly wants you and they are so overjoyed in your presence, this means they love lovingly possess you 

There can be a creepier version of this possession but that's a psychological disorder that manifests as psycho obsession. I'm not talking about that. 

Loving possession is where that person wants to own you emotionally, sexually and mentally. 

I call it true pure love. 

They bind you to themselves. They begin to feel you Psychically. If you walk away, they don't see it as a loss, they see it as hurt. 

Common signs of this dynamic are 

#They are happy around you 

#They miss you and they really miss you 

#Your pain is their pain 

#They are angry if you are not around 

#they are angry if you flirt with someone. 

#they feel hurt that you don't reciprocate 

 

 

 

 

 

Example of shallow narcissistic possessiveness 

The above picture shows a certain closeness. 

The picture below shows distance. 

Do you feel a distance in your relationship? 

 

What happens after a fight? 

Does that person simply drop a hello to get you back? 

Is it a superficial way of getting you back or do they really want you back? 

You basically run back to them like a dog. 

You feel like they really want you yet when you get back with them, they are not excited. They aren't trying to rebuild the relationship. They aren't trying to discuss what went wrong or why it wrong. They are acting passive. Because they wanted you back for egoic satisfaction. Not because they truly missed you 

Not because it hurt. But because they saw your parting  as a loss rather than a hurt. 

So by dropping a hello, a superficial cute coming together they wanted to ensure that you still be on their payroll. 

 

 

In loving possession, you can sense the other person's Pain and absolute neediness, the need to bind to you sexually to them, the need to talk, the need to want you psychically. 

There is a certain Eagerness.

 

Yet when it comes to shallow possession, the Eagerness is Missing. 

 

Loving possession is wet horny possession. 

Shallow possession is dry possession. 

 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Concepts to be discussed later 

• Liberation 
• The three words - it doesn't matter 
• Trying to get my life together 
• Strict boundaries and putting my foot down 
• Psychic vigilance
• Psychic resonance 
• Fear based mindset 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Why should I care anymore what someone thinks about me? 

If someone truly understood me, I wouldn't need to defend.. 

[Preety_India]

The road to all these neuroses was to find freedom. 

Yea like I learned today to be fully vulnerable. 

Sometimes I was scared of being vulnerable as well. 

 

[Preety_India]

I guess the luxury of being delicate and fragile was never afforded to me. I wasn't built that way.. I was built to fight all the time because that's the only way I had learned to live. 

The more I'm hurt, the more I have begun to turn inward. Love doesn't do it to me. Force does. I always needed someone to push me a little further on my part, I hate being analytical about things. Is it even worth it in my case. Sometimes I would simply keep rambling like a lunatic, there was no beginning and no end to whatever that existed in my life. The only thing I needed to do was collapse deeper and deeper into my own walls. Is there a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Maybe not. Now I realize why this kind of writing is important, why this kind of venting is important and I'll let it become a part of my fabric, I'll learn eventually the way others learn. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Why to even put false pretenses if just generally I'm considered worth nothing? 

Who cares what someone thinks about me anymore? 

I would be lying to myself if my heart felt heavy and I didn't let the tears flow. 

Why should I hide and what is it worth? 

Just an incomplete piece of poetry that remains redundant and gathers dust. 

 

Edited August 31, 2021 by Preety_India