BF is afraid of ejaculation. Suspect Trauma. How to help him to resolve?

[IAmReallyImportant]

16 hours ago, Vzdoh said:

 

You probably haven't read anything I have written here. 

My highest standard is 10 orgasms per session. Normal for me 2-3 per session. He gives me that. 

I am not going to demand highest standard from someone who has an obvious trauma in sex department and controls his ajaculation so much. 

That's just simply not reasonable at thus point. 

Its called deflection and projection . Fact is you have a relationship with a guy who has fear of having childs with you. And you want to go to pair therapy after 4 months. Now, you want to convince me and others that you are not clingy and have high standards. I end this discussion because you act from a place of ego defend. You can answer but I will not read it. 

Edited August 31, 2021 by IAmReallyImportant

[Nahm]

Reality is vibration. Reality is Mind. If I hold in mind ‘a relationship is for my needs’, I attract someone who’s vibration is ‘relationship is to fulfill myself, via fulfilling the needs of others’. I’d be a magnet to someone clingy & needy, and yet initially feel great about it, while unaware what’s transpiring. 

The vibration of ‘relationships to fulfill my needs’, aka to make me feel better / satisfied / whole, attracts someone who’s vibration is ‘relationships to fulfill other’s needs’, aka to make me feel better / satisfied / whole. ‘Attracts’ can be a useful lens while vibrationally being it is yet unhearable, do to identification. 

One can say others are projecting, and that is fine. One can say others are unintelligible, and that is fine. One can also ask questions, to understand entirely new & different perspectives. One can experience new perspectives, and new & expansive understanding, if one allows for this possibility. It’s as if one were holding a ‘for me’ (as the bodymind) funnel, and only what fits into that funnel is heard. Everything else gets held & kept outside that funnel. But one can inquire into what isn’t fitting into that funnel, what one doesn’t understand to no fault of one’s own, for not having experience of.

Having a son from a previous relationship, and a great relationship with him, if my current wife spoke of him as the cause of my trauma, a ‘tool’ of manipulation via his mom, as a ‘mistake’, this would be deeply unattractive to me. I imagine him reading her words. I’m aware how he might feel. I might be in a pickle I wouldn’t understand or realize I am in, if my good feeling wholeness unknowingly thrived on fulfilling the needs of others, as aversion from feeling myself, so to speak. My wife might also find herself in a pickle, of trying to get me to no longer avert, to go within, while she is averting herself, attempting to use me to fulfill her ‘needs’. 

Even if, especially if, I spoke of my son as a source or tool of trauma, and as a mistake to my wife… it would be most safe, comforting, clarifying, and attracting, if she did not. If she thought of him, rather than herself… and of me, rather than of me as an object or means to satisfy her sexual & emotional needs, via her identification with the bodymind.

Bodymind identification & it’s cycles of thought can of course be transcended, yet not from the same lens & understanding from the vantage of identified with the bodymind. The ‘other thing’ that can be experienced via relationship, other than just fulfilling earthly needs, is communion, oneness, transcendence, together. It’s a beautiful experience. Most beautiful. And of course, that’s what you’re already experiencing.  

[Vzdoh]

21 hours ago, Nahm said:

Reality is vibration. Reality is Mind. If I hold in mind ‘a relationship is for my needs’, I attract someone who’s vibration is ‘relationship is to fulfill myself, via fulfilling the needs of others’. I’d be a magnet to someone clingy & needy, and yet initially feel great about it, while unaware what’s transpiring. 

The vibration of ‘relationships to fulfill my needs’, aka to make me feel better / satisfied / whole, attracts someone who’s vibration is ‘relationships to fulfill other’s needs’, aka to make me feel better / satisfied / whole. ‘Attracts’ can be a useful lens while vibrationally being it is yet unhearable, do to identification. 

One can say others are projecting, and that is fine. One can say others are unintelligible, and that is fine. One can also ask questions, to understand entirely new & different perspectives. One can experience new perspectives, and new & expansive understanding, if one allows for this possibility. It’s as if one were holding a ‘for me’ (as the bodymind) funnel, and only what fits into that funnel is heard. Everything else gets held & kept outside that funnel. But one can inquire into what isn’t fitting into that funnel, what one doesn’t understand to no fault of one’s own, for not having experience of.

Having a son from a previous relationship, and a great relationship with him, if my current wife spoke of him as the cause of my trauma, a ‘tool’ of manipulation via his mom, as a ‘mistake’, this would be deeply unattractive to me. I imagine him reading her words. I’m aware how he might feel. I might be in a pickle I wouldn’t understand or realize I am in, if my good feeling wholeness unknowingly thrived on fulfilling the needs of others, as aversion from feeling myself, so to speak. My wife might also find herself in a pickle, of trying to get me to no longer avert, to go within, while she is averting herself, attempting to use me to fulfill her ‘needs’. 

Even if, especially if, I spoke of my son as a source or tool of trauma, and as a mistake to my wife… it would be most safe, comforting, clarifying, and attracting, if she did not. If she thought of him, rather than herself… and of me, rather than of me as an object or means to satisfy her sexual & emotional needs, via her identification with the bodymind.

Bodymind identification & it’s cycles of thought can of course be transcended, yet not from the same lens & understanding from the vantage of identified with the bodymind. The ‘other thing’ that can be experienced via relationship, other than just fulfilling earthly needs, is communion, oneness, transcendence, together. It’s a beautiful experience. Most beautiful. And of course, that’s what you’re already experiencing.  

Hey dear Nahm, that's a lot of text and it probably took you a long time to write this piece up! So I deeply appreciate the effort! A bit clearer than your previous posts  So I think I understood like 80% of it

However, you are taking my other post about my needs not satisfied fully in a relationship and extrapolating it to "I am not able to meet my needs on my own, therefore, I am looking to meet them externally". This is quite a wild extrapolation, to be honest! :)))

Let's deconstruct the needs into a few buckets and from there, it will be much easier for me to showcase what needs I am talking about.

Needs I am taking care on my own:

- need for self-love and self-acceptance

- need to give love to and care about  others

Needs I am taking care of with the help of friends/family/colleagues/clients:

- need for social circle and interaction

- need for spiritual connection

- need for serving others

- need to give love to and care about  others

- need to receive love and care from others

- need for physical presence/interaction

Needs I am taking care of in a romantic relationship:

- need for intimate/sexual connection

- need for spiritual connection

- need to give love to and care about the other

- need to receive love and care for the other

 

So from the above, when I was talking about my needs are not fully met, I meant - need for intimate/sexual connection/intimacy/physical presence (I am super tactile) and as you can see, this need can only be primarily met in a romantic relationship, can't be met fully by friends or family or colleagues or even on my own even if I try super hard - bottom line is - intimate interaction is only possible with a romantic partner. Now does it make me vibrationally clingy or looking for people whose vibration is to meet the needs of others? I don't think so! This is a very normal need in a romantic relationship and fulfilling it is actually the entire point of a romantic relationship, apart from spiritual connection and giving/receiving love. 

And even further extrapolation you made from me simply stating that this particular need is not fully met is that I ONLY look for romantic relationships where I ONLY look to meet MY OWN NEEDS. This can't be further from the truth! I am in a romantic relationship to give love and meet the needs of the other for connection. But of course I do expect that since I sincerely want to meet the needs of my partner, he will have the same attitude towards my needs as well..

 

Not sure if I am making sense...but this is my logic and you are simply looking and extrapolating from a small point into a big ass problem :)))

 

 

[Nahm]

 Oh how radiant you are, what a joy! 

1 hour ago, Vzdoh said:

Hey dear Nahm, that's a lot of text and it probably took you a long time to write this piece up! So I deeply appreciate the effort! A bit clearer than your previous posts  So I think I understood like 80% of it

It’s just a comment, took a few seconds. That 20%… one is in the position to ask, to look for clarity, or to project the current understanding, (or of course simply not interested). 

Quote

However, you are taking my other post about my needs not satisfied fully in a relationship and extrapolating it to "I am not able to meet my needs on my own, therefore, I am looking to meet them externally". This is quite a wild extrapolation, to be honest! :)))

We’re close to actual communication, will inevitably be in communion. Can it be seen, in a plain and ordinary manor, that is what you’re saying I said, but that is not what I said, what I’m saying, nor how I think? 

What arise upon contemplating… precisely when does the need to tell someone else what they said / are saying arise? 

Quote

Let's deconstruct the needs into a few buckets and from there, it will be much easier for me to showcase what needs I am talking about.

Needs I am taking care on my own:

- need for self-love and self-acceptance

- need to give love to and care about  others

Needs I am taking care of with the help of friends/family/colleagues/clients:

- need for social circle and interaction

- need for spiritual connection

- need for serving others

- need to give love to and care about  others

- need to receive love and care from others

- need for physical presence/interaction

Needs I am taking care of in a romantic relationship:

- need for intimate/sexual connection

- need for spiritual connection

- need to give love to and care about the other

- need to receive love and care for the other

 

So from the above, when I was talking about my needs are not fully met, I meant - need for intimate/sexual connection/intimacy/physical presence (I am super tactile) and as you can see, this need can only be primarily met in a romantic relationship, can't be met fully by friends or family or colleagues or even on my own even if I try super hard - bottom line is - intimate interaction is only possible with a romantic partner. Now does it make me vibrationally clingy or looking for people whose vibration is to meet the needs of others? I don't think so! This is a very normal need in a romantic relationship and fulfilling it is actually the entire point of a romantic relationship, apart from spiritual connection and giving/receiving love. 

And even further extrapolation you made from me simply stating that this particular need is not fully met is that I ONLY look for romantic relationships where I ONLY look to meet MY OWN NEEDS. This can't be further from the truth! I am in a romantic relationship to give love and meet the needs of the other for connection. But of course I do expect that since I sincerely want to meet the needs of my partner, he will have the same attitude towards my needs as well..

What happened / happens, when none of your needs are met? This could be useful. 

Quote

Not sure if I am making sense...but this is my logic and you are simply looking and extrapolating from a small point into a big ass problem :)))

Problems are very similar to needs and projections.