Love - Hate Relationship

[Marcel]

 

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

@RickyFitts

Absolutely, i am not exactly sure what is causing this, but i have the feeling this is some sort of defense mechanism that hinders me to feel inside of me.

Interesting, there could well be something in that - a lot of our human behaviour is a defence mechanism, I suspect, an unconscious coping strategy. Just keep inquiring into it mate, it should all become clear in time  

Glad you're feeling better today anyway, bro, you're doing great  

[Marcel]

14 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

Interesting, there could well be something in that - a lot of our human behaviour is a defence mechanism, I suspect, an unconscious coping strategy. Just keep inquiring into it mate, it should all become clear in time  

Glad you're feeling better today anyway, bro, you're doing great  

Thank you very much i hope you´re doing well as well.

 

[Marcel]

 

Pain is making me stronger. I feel less resistance and more acceptance. I feel more and more gratitude from day to day. It seems i am almost addicted to the struggle, like it is a part of myself. But i am absolutely relived when i can relax and just be in the moment for once. My tendency to do things in extremes can be beautiful and intimate but also destructive and superficial if i do not have it under control, like yesterday. There are two personalities inside of me, the loving and caring one and the destructive and hating one. I adore the loving side of myself and try to use my evil me only for discipline and consistency, but it is a dangerous game. If it takes over i can barely control how i feel or what i am doing, it is like gaining the instincts of a professional hit man. It feels amazing in the sense that i can focus, concentrate, absorb and organize a myriad of information, to an almost unbelievable degree if it is in its zone, but my feelings turn dark and deadly in the process. This version of me has no regard for my life whatsoever and will destroy it if i am not careful. It is very powerful and dominant. I do not fear it, but i have tremendous amounts of respect. I cannot allow myself to underestimate this being. It is very capable at accomplishing everything in front of it, but i have to keep it on a leash. God knows what this thing will do if i let it run free without any restrictions.

[RickyFitts]

20 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Thank you very much i hope you´re doing well as well.

 

Cheers buddy, I'm getting there

[Preety_India]

13 minutes ago, Marcel said:

It is very powerful and dominant.

I've always liked the dominant side in a man combined with feminine. It inspires a certain mystery I can't resist. 

 

[RickyFitts]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I've always liked the dominant side in a man combined with feminine. It inspires a certain mystery I can't resist. 

 

You know what, I get that - I like the same sort of dynamic in women, someone like Florence Welch of Florence + The Machine embodies this very well I think:

 

[Marcel]

13 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I've always liked the dominant side in a man combined with feminine. It inspires a certain mystery I can't resist. 

 

Well, that´s me. I am mysterious.

I can be dominant for you as long as you want. But I do not have it under control and it might kill me.

I can be very emotional. I like to show my feelings and can open my heart to you whenever you want. But I do not have it under control and it might kill me.

I am dangerously unstable sometimes in both directions and dimensions.

Maybe that is why i generally shy away from any social contact or relationship.

Just being in this forum and interacting with people can be really nervewrecking to me, independent of the topic i am discussing.

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, Marcel said:

Well, that´s me. I am mysterious.

I can be dominant for you as long as you want. But I do not have it under control and it might kill me.

I can be very emotional. I like to show my feelings and can open my heart to you whenever you want. But I do not have it under control and it might kill me.

I am dangerously unstable sometimes in both directions and dimensions.

Maybe that is why i generally shy away from any social contact or relationship.

Just being in this forum and interacting with people can be really nervewrecking to me, independent of the topic i am discussing.

That's so sexy!

 

[Loving Radiance]

@Marcel Hey Marcel, I haven't read all your posts. Have you considered seeking psychological help? As you describe your past, there seems to be a lot that is calling for shadow work and expression. There are many modalities to make yourself whole again.

[Marcel]

10 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

@Marcel Hey Marcel, I haven't read all your posts. Have you considered seeking psychological help? As you describe your past, there seems to be a lot that is calling for shadow work and expression. There are many modalities to make yourself whole again.

I think about this a lot and it took a lot of years for me to admit to myself that i need help.

I was always on this "I dont need any help, suck it up and get going" mindset.

I still struggle with this a lot.

It has improved quite a bit since i met my girlfriend, but i just cannot bring myself to want to see a therapist.

I think going to therapy is a good idea, but the resistance i feel against it is tremendous and i don't want to force myself.

[Loving Radiance]

2 hours ago, Marcel said:

I think about this a lot and it took a lot of years for me to admit to myself that i need help.

I was always on this "I dont need any help, suck it up and get going" mindset.

I still struggle with this a lot.

It has improved quite a bit since i met my girlfriend, but i just cannot bring myself to want to see a therapist.

I think going to therapy is a good idea, but the resistance i feel against it is tremendous and i don't want to force myself.

Good that you are already aware of this. What you write comes across to me as if you feel your beautiful self-image would take a hit, if you'd seek help.

Forcing yourself can result in an ego-backlash. There is nothing bad about going to get psychological help. In fact, it is self-loving to search for ways to become whole again.

I would be interested what you feel when you connect to the resistance. Take steps to search for a therapist and feel the arising resistance (without having resistance against the resistance of course hehe ). Can you feel the resistance to search for a therapist? Really sit in that space, like in meditation. What arises when you sit with resistance?

[Marcel]

3 hours ago, Loving Radiance said:

Good that you are already aware of this. What you write comes across to me as if you feel your beautiful self-image would take a hit, if you'd seek help.

This probably hits the nail on the head.

I struggled with my suicidal thoughts and tendencies for half my life and most of the time by myself.

I am very aware of the fact that i do not need to continue doing it this way and that i have people around that love and support me.

Be it my parents or my lovely girlfriend. Especially my girlfriend, she helps me a lot just by being around me

But i have done it this way for so long and generally always have been a loner, dealing with things myself, that it becomes quite challenging to change it.

I can feel that it does become better over time. I am already far more accepting and open to help and support then in the past.

But taking a step like, just looking for a therapist really freaks me out, i get nervous and stressed out and can barely calm down.

I definitely want to take that step, but i need to do it slowly. I still feel pretty unstable despite the confidence i have in my self.

[Loving Radiance]

22 hours ago, Marcel said:

But taking a step like, just looking for a therapist really freaks me out, i get nervous and stressed out and can barely calm down.

I definitely want to take that step, but i need to do it slowly. I still feel pretty unstable despite the confidence i have in my self.

Yeah, I get it. Baby steps are the way.

What comes to mind is to be stable when feeling unstable. Observing yourself. That is best done with a mind that does meditation on a daily basis.

I also initially thought of shamanic breathing regarding your past, but I feel that it would overwhelm you; shamanic breathing would be best done with an experienced guide or facilitator when there are alot of emotions still from the past.

Quote

I would be interested what you feel when you connect to the resistance. Take steps to search for a therapist and feel the arising resistance (without having resistance against the resistance of course hehe ). Can you feel the resistance to search for a therapist? Really sit in that space, like in meditation. What arises when you sit with resistance?

^-- This is the step to take after your mind is calm enough to observe the storm of emotions.

Here is also something I found that might interest you when you have an observant mind:

Edited August 24, 2021 by Loving Radiance

[Preety_India]

I don't think you need a therapist. 

I'd suggest staying more engaged in doing things you love is helpful. 

Try not to go back to dark thoughts. 

Listening to cheerful music helps? 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

5 hours ago, Preety_India said:

I don't think you need a therapist. 

I'd suggest staying more engaged in doing things you love is helpful. 

Try not to go back to dark thoughts. 

Listening to cheerful music helps? 

 

Maybe.

But i think it would still be a good day to see a therapist at some point in time.

A professional that is trained to help people like me may have some good insights that i would not want to miss it.

But i suppose you are right to some degree. I´ll try to write more and being engaged in more conversations.

As i told you yesterday. The type of music i am listening to is changing quite a lot lately.

It started about 1-2 months ago and really kicked into high gear once i meet you my love.