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catcat69123

I'm stuck in Freeze mode/Dissociation

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The-freeze-flight-fight-fright-flag-fain

 

 

I'm basically stuck at the top. I've been experiencing 4 as my baseline for a few years. Chronic percieved danger numbed me out to the point of suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. Became a big hedonistic bastard to cope with that, definitely had some effects on me physiologically. (full body tremors, constant shaking)

Psychedelics and sometimes meditation pulls me into the present moment. I feel alive, I feel the warmth of the sun and the sound of birds, feeling of the wind and beauty of music. There is a lot of pain in never letting go of anything, it was the vow I took as a kid to never express myself eg. I wouldn't be like my father who was a kind of bipolar tyrant. But my understanding has developed so much since then obviously and now I'm kind of taking care of myself, but this dissociation stuff is life destroying.

Example: hypervigilance, (I was bullied a lot in school, that was... 7 years ago) and I still experience this kind of state where my awareness gets aroused so intensly I get pulled from threat to threat to threat when I see other people around, cars, noises, it shuts down my ability to connect and keeps me numbed out and tensed up EVERYWHERE i go. fucking torture bruv

I mean it has sucked the life out of me literally. I've been trying to find out how to feel grounded in the present more. I've done just about everything I've researched, mindfullness, somatic experiencing, breathwork, meditation, changing diet.

It feels a bit like a disability truly now. Does anyone have any advice on coming out of this state? Day-to-day it's just surviving and not living. I really want to change.

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How much self love work have you done ? Something that helped me was to constantly overwhelm past memories with what I imagined infinite love to be. In other words, lets say you were rejected as a child, then imagine actually having a childhood where you were totally accepted, and feel what that feels like in your body. Use your imagination to overwhelm the past with a sense of infinite satisfaction. The more you do this, the more those old victim identities will begin to dissolve, and the more you will know yourself as the creator of your life. 

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@Wilhelm44

Quite a bit since my mushroom trip. Before that I was cutting, spending all day on video games + drugs and basically locked myself in isolation. 

Self-love is very difficult, I find it really quite hard to apply to myself. Feels like a lot of empty words, the intention is always sincere though. Meditation, yoga, sometimes I journal, eat pretty good, trying to learn art. I'm just so incompetant on how to be a human being, I'm 24 and learning how to talk to people, I actually have intense anxiety that I don't fully realize. 

I've only been taking is more serious for a few months at this point,

this dissociation thing is really crippling tho cause i really don't understand what to do about it. But yeah, I can acknowledge I have taken some steps at least, still I would like more progress. I can accept this present moment but I know I can do more.

Thanks for the suggestion i'll try that visualization stuff. You're right I have quite a few of that identity to being a victim. It's difficult to truly let go of that stuff, kinda shaped my whole life

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@catcat69123  I hear you, if I was you I would join different spiritual groups in my city, surround myself with friendly likeminded people, seek out the wisest and most compassionate people there, and be willing to learn. And don't be so hard on yourself, you're still young. 

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@Wilhelm44 yeah also a strange situation i'm in

i literally live in a town by myself where i don't know anyone and don't speak the language of this country x d

but i've been looking online. it's difficult to find that group of people for sure, i still haven't

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i really feel like it's a simple case of exposing myself to a new environment/experiences, but i just cannot find this environment that i feel safe to fully shake the demon in me. well..

enough to express myself and to make my messed up identity realize there is no more danger, and it's safe to experience the present. but i really need that support and i can admit that, it just does not work by yourself, it's like a whole part of my brain turns on in a social environment that i really need to be in, i donno if anyone knows communities that do weekly mental health video calls honestly i can't find a single one on discord. i'm gonna just make my own at this point 

what i feel like people who are experiencing this freeze state or dissociation from the present moment is some kind of exposure. because the response is isolation, and i am in isolation right now doing 'healing work' but this is also healing and i just really need to fucking recgonize i have to put myself in a social situation that it feels actually safe. the thought of just walking around shoots my anxiety through the roof, i mean this attachment comes from a deep root of being picked on by 20+ people in a small town growing up mostly.

if anyone does know any communities like this or discords or zoom /whatever feel free to reply, thankz

 

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@catcat69123  The next best thing is to listen to teachers on Youtube that you resonate with. See if you can listen to talks on the topic of self love from as many different angles as possible. And begin to see your current situation as a blessing not a curse. You are starting your spiritual journey at a relatively young age and you have the necessary solitude to do so. Once you discover a teacher that you like, really study their work, let that teacher be like a friend in a way. Self love really is key, with that all good things come. Matt Kahn is a brilliant teacher you might enjoy. ps you are alive, focus more and more on what a miracle that is within itself.

Abraham Hicks is also good energy to take in. 

 

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@Thought Art yeah i found one. shes a very spiritual person with a really interesting story and really actually nice to talk too. but her actions (breaks, constant schedule changing, hanging out with her friends and cancelling our appoinment and shit like that) idk maybe it's the part of me not wanting to trust someone but also sometimes pull this sceptic out of me making it hard to trust. 

but yeah, i don't think there's anyone who couldn't use a therapist (could be a friend/family if u have that) having a truly trustworthy mirror reveals a lot of very buried stuff

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