suffering and surrender

[neovox]

I've been enduring so many health issues for such a long time, I just feel a deep weariness. Not that I want to die, but feeling tired of being in this body. I try to make the most of it and maintain positive and spiritual perspective but I have a difficult time feeling it. I try to let go, surrender, and put my attention inward,  but my surrender isn't total and I feel suffering rather than Divine Love. When I'm healthy and well my spirituality flows.  I feel divinity everywhere. I feel God in the people I interact with. When I'm feeling shitty like now, there is no depth to my experience. I feel contracted in my ego. My whole vibration and experience is like night and day. I just want it to be well again. I look back and understand that all of my biggest growth  gains came from difficult times. But it doesn't feel good as its happening, I'm not able to achieve total surrender despite my efforts. I want to surrender, I want to be at peace. I can close my eyes and be completely present and feel peace for a few seconds or a minute, but my mind and concerns quickly creep in, take over,  and I'm right back in my sense of self and suffering. I know that full acceptance offers the greatest growth, but still I lean away, try to distract myself, and want it to end. I resist. I'm trying to figure out how. How do I experience such difficulty with genuine acceptance? Is it because I still identify with my physical form too much? Is it because I'm still so attached to my health and life? Is it lack of discipline? or my conscious development just lacks the capacity? I'm not actually fishing for any answers or validation from the outside. I've not been keeping up with my usual spiritual practices, but I have had an intuitive urge to write and share on this forum, which is new for me. So here I am.

[Loba]

I'll delete this in a bit because I don't feel good about posting in other's journals but I just wanted to let you know that I relate 100 percent to what you are going through and I want you to know I am rooting for you and hope that you are able to regain your health and find even greater levels of divinity within you, good luck.  Have you spoken with @Michael569?  He has a lot of knowledge on health conditions and might be able to give you some advice.

[Preety_India]

@Michael569  @Nahm you both are needed here. Please help the OP. 

 

 

 

[Nahm]

@neovox

It sounds like you’re saying health issues and suffering are the same. Can you specify? Have you been diagnosed with health issues, or are you primarily talking about how you feel?

[Michael569]

@neovox I agree with what Nahm said. Would you be willing to share with us what you are experiencing? Do you have any medical diagnosis? Many health conditions are manageable and many curable with proper treatment/therapy. Perhaps there is much you can do and are just not aware of other options out there. 

 

[neovox]

I'm experiencing extreme fatigue, swollen lymph nodes in groin, pelvis, armpits, neck, systemic lymphatic fluid congestion which in turn causes nausea, more fatigue, and cystic acne break outs. Not currently, but at times I experience varying degrees of neuropathy in my hands, and loss of sensation in my right leg and foot. This has been happening in episodes that last 4-6 months. The first was in 2017, second 2019, and this is the third which started in November. I have seen doctors, had diagnostics, labs, CT, MRI. They've ruled out all the major auto immune, no diagnosis. The neurologists says its a virus. Labs all look good. I keep going back to the doctor and getting nowhere. I'm exhausted of trying to figure it out. I figured if it keeps progressing eventually they will find something quantifiable they can diagnose.

[Michael569]

@neovox Consider requesting a test for Epstein Barr Virus. This virus has been associated with Chronic fatigue syndrome and also causes inflammation on the neuronal level (this could explain the neuropathy) The swelling of the lymph nodes indeed suggest that there is an immunological conflict because your lymphatic immunity is fighting very hard which is causing lymph nodes to swell. Push for stool testing as well as for blood testing of common viral infections. 

Also, consider requesting B12 (lack thereof could be causing neurological symptoms), vitamin D testing as well as HbA1C (to test your long term blood sugar) but these have probably been done already

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6525645/

[neovox]

@Michael569 thank you very much for your HIGHLY valued input. What you say is exactly on point. I've had some labs for Epstein Barr done and the results weren't exactly clear to me. Communication and explanation aren't exactly strong suites of my factory farming style health care providers. ...

Epstein Barr Igm antibody- neg.. 

CMV Igm antibody- neg..

CMV IgG antibody- neg.. 

Epstein Barr Igg antibody-445..

These labs were done Jan 2021.Which was a couple of months after the initial onset of symptoms.

Looking back to 2017 there is a single Epstein Barr- "positive" without any further details.  In any case, I'll dig into this. Epstein Barr reactivating seems to match very well. You are good!  Thank you again! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[Michael569]

@neovox This is interesting. IgM antibodies are usually high in the beginning and once the infection settles they drop and IgGs start raising which would explain the rise in IgGs. So this would suggest this has been going on for a  while. I'm by no means an expert in virology or immunology so definitely ask for a comprehensive test on this and push to get as much as you can but happy that you found this advice helpful. Once diagnosed you'll have a clear line of treatments available to you holistic or medical. If they dismiss you, get a second opinion or see a functional medicine doctor

Good luck! Keep us informed about your journey. 

[neovox]

This past week I've felt "normal" for the first time in about five months, and goddamn it feels good! I'm almost afraid to declare it because I don't want it sneaking back up on me, but for the moment I have my life back. 

It has been a rough winter. Everyday was a struggle just to maintain going through the motions of life. Performing at work took everything in me. I was so tired, nauseous, and feverish feeling (tho I had no fever). Everyone always asking me, "are you okay?" It was obvious how bad I felt.

This past week the weather has warmed up, and I've been waking up feeling like my old self. The air outside feels sweet, the sun feels amazing on my face, I smile and greet neighbors and strangers, and it feels so good to be back to life. I appreciate so much more that I took for granted. Just having the energy to wake up and not want to lay there in misery. Turning on music and cooking a nice meal, cleaning,, cutting up with the family, to have my sense of humor back, and even starting back on my fitness routine.